there are a few moments even when my hair is a little greasy and dirty but kind of falling out of a pony tail and my face is a little oily but you can still see a little mascara that i run into the bathroom and the light in there is just so that i glance at the mirror and think for a second that i'm truly beautiful. every once and a while. my idea of a beautiful woman is something like that. i always imagine russel crowe's wife in gladiator when i think of women who are truly beautiful. only when they're like that can i really appreciate them. there's something motherly, but they don't need to be a mother.. but they're full and lush and a little weather-beaten and very real and i hesitate to say a word that is a mixture of soft and dirty. not that kind of dirty. i find them in period pieces. i'm trying to think of one today and i can't.. because society tells me thin is beautiful so i think of thin girls and say they're beautiful.. but i'm telling you, there's something else out there... there's something more

.....on with the show......

the world is not going to shit because of sex or violence or poverty or cancer or hate or government or lies

it's going to shit because of PRETENSION.

it might be what i hate the most. it's what immediately turns me off of almost every human being i run into. except for a few, which i'll not name because those not named will get upset. i am not even on that list. and maybe that's the thing i hate the most about myself. the moment i become pretentious, and i realize when it happens, believe you me, i give up a little and fall for it more and sometimes drown in it and can't get myself out again without simply walking away from whatever situation i was in. there's been pretension already in this paragraph. why won't it leave me ALONE?!? pretension is now what i see in jonah. all over jonah. he's excreting it through his pores. what am i to do?

we sit at that table in midnight pizza and he talks about things that ail him and how he gets through life problems and strives to be a better person and a better rock star and what he feels about world issues and music issues and it all. he proclaims radiohead are not musical geniuses, but "miles, dylan", those are musical geniuses. he really does seem to see himself as the most important person in the conversation (which consists mainly of him) and i suppose he's in the right because when he's not speaking there is usually uncomfortable silence and i hate being a part of these glowing-eyed children waiting for his next word (yknow i wasn't nearly so angry at all this saturday night).. so maybe so much of that has formed him into what he is today so he shouldn't be blamed..

oh nevermind. i now remember the moment outside sapphire after we returned and andy is watching jonah talk to different people inside and he says to us, so innocently, "how can he be so nice?" and we all shake our heads in wonderment.. "i don't know, he just is. he's one of those rare people" and he is one of those rare people. he's better than so much out there, so so much. but he suffers from what i hate about people too.. and i guess i'm just now realizing it.

i don't want to grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

in fifth grade my mother was shopping in toys r us for a pottery wheel for me for christmas when one fell onto her head (supposedly) from a top shelf and did some great damage for some time (supposedly). she tried suing toys r us but somehow it didn't work and we were all forbiddon to sing that song. i used my pottery wheel just once and never felt like using it again. i think she probably made up half of the accident and pain it brought.

once i asked her for money and she wouldn't give it to me and i was in a bad mood so i lashed out and said something like that she didn't pay the rent et al, dad did, and he does actually.. she pays it, but with his money. and she became enraged and decided to down a bottle of tequila with a bunch of her usual drugs. she stepped out of her room for just a moment half way through to show me what she was doing in some very theatrical way and i ignored her and continued watching tv and she was in there for some time and jordan finally went in and found her and called 911 and when the men were bringing her out on the stretcher she yelled at me drunkenly something like "see what you did". and i just sat there. "you ok?" some fireman asked and it jolted me and i said "sure" and they left. if you know someone is killing themself and don't do anything about it, is it murder if they die? that's the guilt i was talking about. that night was, incidently, the at the drive-in show. my dad wouldn't let me go because of all of the happenings. i was most upset about that.

i'm singing "spiders" by system of a down.

lovemelo

(forgive me)

alright i'm going to rant about my interesting weekend

friday i had dinner at niko's new house with her mom and her mom's boyfriend and noticed how doomed to failure their relationship was because he was seemingly normal and she was kind of crazy and annoying. it bothers me that i can't express this to poor niko, but she and her mother are incredibly close and i have a definite feeling it would upset her or make her resent me in some unfair way.. i need to stop talking like this, i rarely think like this. i hate sounding intellectual on this thing.. i want to write like i FEEL not how i think.. or maybe, i don't know, develop a style. do i have a style already that i'm not aware of or don't like so am ignoring? this reminds me of bridget jones' diary, which is incredibly funny, but much smarter and funnier than anything i could say.. i really really enjoyed it. i took marianna's comment about it making her laugh outloud several times and rented it and my mother and i had a good 2 hours of not thinking about why we hate each other. hurray.

saturday i saw k-pax with dad and jordan and don't know exactly how to feel about it because the end was kind of like "..ok." and yknow i judge movies by how they make me feel afterwards and afterwards i was just kind of like "..ok." so. ok

THEN.. then i had to have my dad drop me off at sapphire for jonah's show and my stomach was in knots, i was soo so very nervous and i couldn't figure out if it was because i was seeing jonah, jessica, bryce or just showing up at sapphire for the first time by myself (and in my father's car, no less.. i made him drop me off on a side street, they made fun of me, but i can't help it). and i feel that nervousness now a little just thinking about it.. it's definitely bodily... weird.

so i got there and stood in a very long line of punkish/rockish/emoish/indyish kids that all really look and act the same and that make me very self-conscious and fat-feeling because they're all so lovely and skinny and as much as i don't want to be like them, their majority over my minority is very uncomfortable. threatening even! i have these dillusions that they make fun of me behind my back.. i'm paranoid, yes. so i looked everywhere for about 20 minutes for any sign of jessica or jonah and no sign of either.. and i had kind of let go of the profound hope that bryce be there because, again, he hasn't been there the last two sapphire shows = sign and all that mumbo jumbo. so... oh but then i'm looking ahead and a kid who looks like him suddenly walks by me in the direction i'm looking ... hmm.. his calves look bigger.. could this be him? he's wearing goofy white tennis shoes and white scrunched down socks.. could this be him? he suddenly has a huge tattoo on the back of his neck that looks like his back hair exploded.. lol.. could this be him? i watch him walk down and he turns and *gulp* it is him. suddenly all of these silly physical things i was finding on him disappear and i can see his face again and it's been a fucking year or more and i try to recover very quickly because again, these kids and their eyes, and my mouth hanging open a little in a gaze is probably not becoming.. so i just watch him walk in and out and around and there's this moment straight out of a movie where he had walked off past the doors, down the street, and then after a little while, he came back and i could only see his head moving in slow-motion through the other heads off in the distant towards me. surreal.

so i get inside and find jessica and hug and have little moments of reunion talking and force myself to look for jonah as much as bryce because, afterall, jonah's more important. isn't he? well.. so i can't find jonah anywhere. and for some time it goes on like this. but i can see bryce everywhere. and it's constant like that. and it's very nice but i also feel guilty because i'm not exactly paying attention to jess or the first band that we're on the floor bobbing our heads to. i'm jerking my head around looking for bryce. and seeing him about every fourth minute. well then. (this of course reminds me of the last or second to last vonnegut book i read where a main religion was Jesus Christ the Kidnapped where all members believed jesus had come back but had been kidnapped so it was their duty to jerk their heads around and look for jesus at any waking moment. hilarious)

so.

i finally find jonah and just kind of watch him walk around in a hurry because well his bandmates have been ready for some time and i got the impression that he was late and no one could find him. so he's running around getting ready and i'm just smiling looking at him (the last time he came down was spring of last year) and his hairs a little longer and messier and he seems shorter, maybe because i'm taller, and he doesn't seem older, maybe because i'm older.. and i'm just smiling. and then they start and the first song blows me away. it's so beautiful and rockin and .. i don't know, sigh-inducing. and i imagine saying "it all must be downhill from there". well not really, the others are wonderful, and a few (half actually) are just old onelinedrawing songs (his previous acoustic outfit) make into rock songs so i got to sing along and it was lovely.. and i made a point never to take my eyes off him to look for bryce, and i didn't. there was this great harder song they did called hostage about a previous love leaving him and before it he had maybe a too-personal moment where he said every girl leaves him so he's a scaredy-cat (i don't know if the audience understood) and it has this great line in the chorus with this great music that i'm now addicted to "'back off, or someone'll die', you never run away, 'back off, or someone'll die', oh to be you".. it's really just great with the music, not by itself.. so i'm singing it now and probably all day.

oh boy i'm at school and i only have about fifteen minutes until i must skeedaddle.

so the show was amazing and i bought the cd and single and stickers and a shirt that says in german "i never want to say my best days are behind me" and in english "new end original" (the band's name) and i'm wearing it now and not feeling like a nazi. and we finally got past all the people and spoke to jonah and he gave jessica a huge hug and said hello to me and remembered my name, which was nice, but i figured out how close he and jessica were (lots of email writing i hear) as opposed to he and i, but i didn't let it bother me. i think i've grown up a lot or something. i talk more freely now.. and sometimes i get really annoyed with myself because i'm suddenly the talker and i don't seem to compare to the before-talkers in my head. or something. and so jonah suddenly says they're seeing a movie and do we want to come.. well jesus. i didn't think we'd get to hang out with him again.. so we say sure, of course and go with him and these two high school kids (ha) to midnight pizza down the street and have pizza and talk around a table.. and it's lovely to get to do that, but i think i'm growing out of him. i noticed much more how much he talks about himself and when not about himself just in a way that makes his opinion the most important.. and i suppose our crowd lends to that, we're just kids who like him a lot who want to hear what he has to say. or at least that's what i was last time he came down. now not so much. but the others were. so i sat there and tried to get over it. but i'd have to admit it wasn't as nice as last time. if i see through jonah now, who's next? i'm worried.

my buddyhead shirt and text cd came in the mail that morning so i got to wear the shirt and feel all cool and when we were leaving jonah's guitarist complimented me on it and we started talking about what colors he looks good in, because the shirt's red and he said he wouldn't look good in red and i couldn't tell if he was flirting with me, because hey, he's talking to me, or if he was gay, because hey he's talking to me about fashion. but that's alright, it was fun. and the movie was skipped and they left and we left and apparently jonah and jessica kissed and i'm now preparing for their wedding because apparently they've kissed a few years ago also, only a much more serious kiss.. so HMM. oh it would make me very happy if they got together.. i've never been attracted to him for some reason completely unknown to me. dunno, dunno..

damn, i don't want to grow out of jonah.. jonah was reminding of everything that was right with the world for so long. i've got to find something else now? i suppose.. maybe life itself can remind me. yeah it has.

so that was my very interesting weekend part. OH, and the kid that was with us got a picture (he thinks) of bryce.. so look forward to hearing about that. i sure as hell know i am. there's more to put here but somehow i've found myself in an ungood time slot and i regret it.. maybe i'll elaborate later. it's all just feelings i guess. strange but good night. bryce's eyes are haunting me now. i swear he knows. this kid andy took the picture and i think he knew it and started looking at us but we acted goofy and looked up at the sky and all that.. i have no idea what he knows. it's kind of a fun little game. oh my got to go..

lovemelo

MARRIAGE (or, in princess-bride-speak: mehwage)

here's my thought. marriage is completely unnecessary.

here are my two very simple points:

Q: what's the difference between a happy couple that have stayed together for ten years and a happy married couple that have stayed together for ten years?
A: two rings, a ceremony, a sheet of paper, a few legal rights, maybe some changed names

Q: what's the difference between a couple who wants to break up and a married couple who wants to break up?
A: a trip to a court and some lawyers and a bunch of papers to sign with the possibility of being legally seperated from your child(ren), oh, not to mention a nonsensical little thing called alimony


now let's break this apart a little. (am i going to be a lawyer? no) now usually the argument for marriage runs something like "it's a symbol this and it's a symbol that.. la dee dah, tra la la, blah blah blah, love, symbol, union, symbol..blaarghhh". right. well really it's just an excuse to exercise our repressed materialistic urges, see..
two rings mean NOTHING, but they're pretty and you get to wear them to show off to people and/or to ward off people and/or to attract people.
a ceremony is nice and all, but really it's pretty laughable and way way way too expensive and stressful and extranneous and really just a way for the bride to feel special and secure and show off to all of her friends how wonderful her little marriage is going to be. think about this.
a sheet of paper i think very obviously means NOTHING, and if i have to explain that, you should not be my friend.
legal rights are possibly the only reasons that seem fairly logical here, but as long as the gay community is restricted from marriage and therefore the legal rights that come with it, it's my belief that, in the spirit of fairness and equality, the straight community should take measures to reject those legal rights until EVERYONE has at least the opportunity to gain them.
changed names... well there's that lovely romeo and juliet line about a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet, or some such thing.. and, in all seriousness, it's just another way to place women below men and continue patriarchal society.

now i'm thinking a break-up, if it's after any significant amount of time, is in itself a hard enough situation to have to then deal with our asinine judicial system and all of the inequities that are found there and the pain that comes from ripping children away from "undeserving" parents. and alimony, my god, i swear, is the most insipid thing. i'm sorry, but in my opinion all ties should be severed when couples split up. legal ones, anyway. if you want to remain friends it's your own business, but for the law to place upon one the requirement of a monthly fee to support the other until they remarry or die is insane. my father has to do this for my mother, who actually makes more than him most months, and thus he will never save up any significant amount to better his own life; and she'll never remarry, i mean christ, she's crazy! and to have any circumstance where someone's death is in the least bit a relief is t e r r i b l e. which is why life insurance policies also need to change, but that's another topic for another day.

so. have i converted anyone yet?

i'm not saying marriage in essence is a horrible idea.. the good aspects are good, but the bad aspects are far worse than should be put up with in a civilized society and should be changed. there is nothing less pure about an unmarried couple in love who live together and raise a family. but again.. it's all about patriarchy. it's all about tradition. there's a lot of sexism in the world, and i've never been more aware of it than when i think about what marriage/divorce really is. against both men and women. for instance, women are seen as less able to earn an income (and in fact, statistically, they receive only about a third of men's salaries) so they are usually issued alimony.. there's a little patriarchal symbol present in how weddings include the bride walking to the groom instead of them walking together, or him to her or whatnot. but then in custody suits women are often thought of as having a more natural inclination to raise children well, so the children usually go with the mother, when science has only proven this fact with animals and men, contrary to popular belief, are a bit higher than animals in their fraternal levels... never doubt the existence of inequality.

well have i turned into a conflict theorist or what? i feel like i'm writing a persuasive essay for Dr. Warner.

dream conclusive summary: marriage is pointless and a bit moronic and chauvinistic and in need of some changes if it's ever going to hope to last a few more millenia. and until these changes occur, i for one am boycotting the institution. :)

lovemelo

ok i just reread my statement on suicide and i laughed outloud.. it must've seemed wacko, huh? lol.. ohh the places our minds go. oh who cares. fuck it! we're all too cowardly anyway.

is alan thinking i'm pointing my finger at him for being discourteous with that last post? well interruptions were never really a problem between us, i don't think. is he a narcissist too? well sure. well actually i have been complaining about him an awful lot lately (sorry axel.. no matter how long i talk, trust me, i'm always placing myself in your position and getting annoyed with myself). i don't necessarily want to put myself closer to the line of lecherous affiliations.. which he might as well forget any fancy term and just call it "MELOVILLE" even though i'm sure he wasn't thinking of me when he wrote it. long drawn-out sigh...

"distance makes the heart grow fonder"

?????????no??

lovemelo

ok i just watched another david mamet film: Olleana, with william h. macy. and it's all dialogue and it's all MAMET dialogue, at that. it's not realistic in the least. it's this consistently-intellectual jargon for nearly an hour and a half straight.. a few movings around, a few sips of tea and what have you (see then you talk like this for a few hours after) but really just a play (and it was based on a play, of course written by mamet) and there is the most immense amount of INTERRUPTIONS. that's practically all the first half hour was, an interruption of someone speaking every other second. and phone conversations. because mamet loves the dynamics of phone-acting. it's that one-sidedness. but it was this ridiculous spectacle and i'm almost at a loss, i don't know what to do with myself after i see one of his films. they send me in a frenzy that i can't verbalize. my mind races when i'm following the dialogue.. these interruptions.. you know at least these were interruptions that had something to do with the conversation at hand. i have this problem with people, mostly my dad and my brother, where i'll be speaking and they'll just start talking out of nowhere, in the middle of my speaking, about a subject that has nothing to do with what i was talking about. imagine this:

dad: this is wrong, grammatically
me: well that's what i was thinking, i kept thinking that there was something wrong with th-
dad: jordan, do we need to cut your hair?

and i just stand there and stare blankly and i'm in absolute SHOCK that these people could have such a lack of consideration. but it's not just for inane things like that, see, it's for things that i care about. i'll be talking about something i CARE ABOUT and they'll do something like that. i swear to god i don't understand people. am i alone in the world? am i the only one paying attention to the needs of people? if i ever interrupt any of you, you have my permission to smack me in the face. what nerve! and it still happens! even after i talk to them about it. they still do it! so does this mean what i say isn't important to them? well half the time, i'm sure, but still - STILL. goddamn consideration, is all. common decency.

and here's how vonnegut ties into all of this..

from Slapstick or Lonesome No More!:
"I have had some experiences with love, or think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as 'common decency'. I treated somebody well for a little while, or maybe even for a tremendously long time, and that person treated me well in turn. Love need not have had anything to do with it.
Also: I can not distinguish between the love I have for people and the love I have for dogs.
When a child, and not watching comedians on film or listening to comedians on the radio, I used to spend a lot of time rolling around on rugs with uncritically affectionate dogs we had.
And I still do a lot of that. The dogs become tired and confused and embarrassed long before I do. I could go on forever.
...
Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.
I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please - a little less love, and a little more common decency.'"

well there you have it.

lovemelo

stubbed toes are really painful if only for a few seconds

L.I.E. was strangely unaffecting. but maybe that says something.. the fact that pedophilia (in this case) isn't so shocking, that i wasn't so bothered by it. i might should think on that.

there's going to be a david mamet movie marathon tomorrow night on sundance. very exciting.

my wonderful Jonah is coming to town a week from tonight with his new wonderful band New End Original. whom i've never heard. but i don't care. i can't wait to see him.

i misspelled buckley.. that makes me feel very bad.

everyone
everyone around here
everyone is soo near
it's holdin' on
it's holdin' on

"national anthem" is really exciting really. especially live.

gosh i haven't written a poem or a piece of fictional writing of any kind in months and months. i want to change this right now and improvise:

hey is that hair on your toe? i didn't know it was you but then you screamed and i thought 'the sky is falling' but it wasn't, it was only you. and at night when i clench my teeth together i wake up to find my jaw all dislocated and chewing is very hard and once, once my friend, i could not open my mouth. and i thought of you. and when i stood in the middle of the windtunnel things felt like they were spinning around me. i could float to them over there sitting under that tree and they could watch and compliment me about it. 'i could watch you walk all day' she'd say. and we go off and sing in malls. and i'd run into him there and get butterflies all over again even though i knew he was nothing. gimpy, she sees me, and i can't hide from her. i can not be who i'd like to be with her eyes on me, i feel naked. why try? she sees right through me. and i go off to be other people's gimpies.


that's all.

lovemelo

L.I.E. will be seen tomorrow...

new favorite song: chop suey by system of a down. what's happened to me? well i don't care, because serj's voice is fucking amazing. i'm enthralled. i need more. and i need him to start a softer side project or something. no problem, though. didn't i say i was craving the rock? well he's incredible.. what can i say..

echo by jeff buckly is one of the sexiest songs in the world. not soft sexy, though.. kind of aching sexy.. i'm telling you, his music is SEX. he was probably the greatest lover the world has ever known. and then he went and died. please go find his music.

lovemelo

i just watched a movie for vincent (who was very sexy and you got to see his ass but unfortunately he was practically raping his girlfriend at the time) which had waayy too much sex to be watching with your FAMILY. ahem. i'm sorry but some things should be left to the imagination. in fact, it's better that way! it's often sexier. but prostitution isn't the sexiest thing i can think of. unlike vincent.. heyy.

five o'clock shadows are darn sexy. and i suppose six through ten o'clock shadows. ;) men are very attractive, aren't they?

it's very hard to write someone emails or letters or get excited about them visiting when you're in constant blog-correspondence with them. ho hum. it's annoying.

i watched an affair to remember today. great love story. i loved the remake, love affair, a lot more, but this one was funnier. i just love the new style of filmmaking.. it captures human emotion so much more accurately. the 1997 version of Lolita is heart-breaking, it's gut-wrenching, it's immaculately sexy, it's wonderful. (yknow, great age difference is a strange turn-on for me.. hmm) but the 60's one kubrick did didn't show it as nearly so sad. here's a man who's completely destroyed, and things are so casual it seemed, at least in comparison with the new one. and it was funnier, too. i guess in the 40's-50's we were finding a lot of humor in things. that's post-war mindset? i don't think so. i have no idea. of course kubrick was immitating old styles with his Lolita.. the 60s made all kinds of different movies. his was black and white and really was trying to be a 40's era film. hmm ok i don't know where i'm going with this.

romances really do get to me. Love Affair and Lolita and Dreaming of Joseph Lees and The Way We Were just kill me. really. especially the last two, since they're about a girl falling in love with a guy first, when he doesn't even know she exists practically. robert redford, man. even with a bizarre name like Hubbel. he was gorgeous.. he was a dreamboat, if i was ever to use the term dreamboat. but it wasn't about just who he was, the most attractive thing was the version of him that barbra streisand created in her head. and you can see it because you're with her the whole way, without the movie even being from her view.

i think i'll go watch Love Affair now.

lovemelo

wow suddenly i have a lot to say and i'm going to forget down the line so i'm giong to make a quick note:

(vincent/obsessions, guilt, journalphobia, too much tv)

ok.. which one do you want first? well the polls are telling me "too much tv".

i watched way too much tv tonight. and really every night. all the time. and i had this vision of a camera angle that started on the side of the tv, behind it, looking at the set itself, (at night, all lights off except tv) and slowly moving to the right to see the blueish light coming out of it and filling the little room and bouncing off the moisture in someone's eyes sitting on a couch. and that's me right there. and it'll be some good show, something funny, something entertaining, let's take newsradio. good show, good art, good writing/acting. good stuff. but still look at me.. lost to the world and being amused by these flashing colors coming from this box in my living room. nothing better to do. well of course better to do.. just won't. i don't see an end to this.
hey there is a middle ground between being a slave to money and throwing it out alltogether, i've decided after a moment to think about it. (hope to get there)

v i n c e n t

i love just saying his name. letting it roll off my tongue.. slowly. letting that "cent" hiss. and i did the same thing with the first names of all of the others. before this one i was saying, very slowly, like lisa bonet in high fidelity "james" for mr. dean. and before that i would constantly sing "hey jude", but just that first line, whenever i'd think about mr. law - well or i'd just kind of whisper "beauty". and before that i'd roll the "r" in "robert" and say it very quickly when i saw mr. downey. and before that just a sultry, spanish "benicio".

so have these made up for my lack of actual real life relationships? well not made up for them, certainly, but replaced them. and this is probably the reason i haven't freaked out and jumped on whatever guy comes along. i wasn't actually dating anyone, but in my head i was entertained plenty. and in all reality when i look back on them they feel like relationships. relationships that all ended amicably and maybe didn't end at all (it's not like i left any of them completely) but instead got put aside for a while as i indulged in a new one. this may be the american dream. hm. am i destined for polygamy? i've seen it on "real sex", i understand how it could work. right now it seems a little too hokey, though.. i have yet to fall into Zen and all that. ha. if i ever find a guy will these obsessions stop or have to stop? right now it feels completely like a new relationship when a new one begins.. and it's very nice. i'm very excited about them and attracted to them. i look forward to all the pictures i get to look at and movies i get to rent. hmmm. i'm crazy then, i guess. i'm a disturbed, sexually frustrated little girl. gee

i made christmas cookies tonight without it being christmas. though you can smell cold air outside. yumm

i sit around and think about this thing (the blog) sometimes and get really frustrated (tho not sexually this time) about how it has a tendency to go nowhere and really just placate all of these silly teenage grievances without going *too deep* which is where all of the actual interesting stuff lies, but see i can't bring myself to share that with people. so what the hell am i still doing here? well i get bored a lot. and i have journalphobia. the pen and paper kind. it sits there next to my bed like a little child that's ready to latch onto you forever if you ever pick it up and look, i do NOT want children right now. ok that was pathetic.. this is a useless topic. hey let's battle over the "if a tree falls in the forest..." question with a deaf person. yeah!

jesus i had no idea kristin and gimpy were dating. that's insane. nobody ever tells me anything. (a single tear)

hey these christmas cookies are mighty good. you make them like you'd make rice crispie treats, only with cornflakes, and put some green food coloring in the marshmellow creme/butter mixture and add the cornflakes and make little wreath formations and then put red hots on them however you like and TA-DAH, you have my grandmother's holiday cookies. rock n roll.


suicide can be caused by one of three states of mind, i've come to understand:

despair
indifference
happiness

now despair is obviously the worst time to kill yourself. that's no way to go. that's a horrible emotion to take to the grave. that would seem to get you off on a bad start in wherever you go after you die.
indifference may be a rather good idea. it's rational. it's thought-out. it's perfectly sane. it works. i have a tendency to side with the indifferent here.
happiness is a tricky one.. not many people feel like committing suicide when they're incredibly happy. there seems like an ever-lasting bounty of joy just over the rainbow. well that's certainly not true and you could call that state of mind the closest to insanity. but who cares, right? it feels good. so we're basically insured, if we are thinking people, that the happiness will end and somewhere down the line things will get shitty again. so why not kill ourselves in a moment of utter happiness? "shoot me, i'm happy!" here's the catch-22: it's the best idea but the hardest to do. whatever.

i'm going to say indifference is probably my favorite though. you're tired of the whole swing of emotions between happiness and despair and you're sick of the motions and you don't feel like playing the game anymore. oh there's a good analogy: dodge ball. despair-suicide is getting hit in the face with the ball and falling down and crying like a baby. happiness-suicide is pegging 10 kids you hate in the face and watching them fall down and cry like a baby and then just walking out victorious even though the game isn't over. quitting while you're ahead. indifference-suicide is standing in the back and watching all the silly people throw their silly balls and thinking "ok this is retarded" and walking out of gym. and that's literally something i've wanted to do on many an occassion in absurd p.e.

so maybe i've become a proponent for suicide. don't freak out about it and try to get everyone help. listen to what they have to say, be honest with them, and allow things to go their natural course. if you've got nothing to live for and you want to die then it's probably a good thing. if you're really happy and you want me to shoot you then i might just do it because i think that's mighty smart of you. if you don't give a shit about this merry-go-round anymore i might just jump off with you. hell. why not? blah and i better not get any panicked phone calls asking if i'm alright. ha. give me a break.

guilt: another time.

lovemelo

ok after changing this thing around a bunch of times i've finally settled on this one, since it's neat and the text is so much smaller, which means it's so much better, but you can't fucking see the comments thing at the end of each post. it's practically blended in with the background. so someone either advise me on how to change colors here (because i've tried and failed) or just remember to look closer. and that section of the archive is still missing! ah! i hate html.

lovemelo

today some kids' band was playing outside at ucf. i walked out of the food area (after sharing a table with a stranger since she asked and ended up finding that she was a hip little junior theatre major. neato. life would be much easier if i was a lesbian) and kind of drifted in the direction of the "rock music". it was very amusing.. it felt really random like "oh.. a band's playing here. um.. what the hell." and people are just sitting and standing around and nobody claps when they finish a song and it's all kind of amusing. yeah.

yeah this girl's got it. anna is her name, theatre is her game. i always feel shitty when i have to take a big table all for myself. i've always kind of thought all the loners should get together and save space. that makes us sound really degenerate, but whatever. longers unite!

catch-22 is really funny and bizarre and good. but more just funny. it's not that dark.. well maybe i'm just used to it. everybody's crazy in it. which is funny. no really. go read a section of it and see what i mean.

the contender was really really good. great acting and a great message. kind of a perfect left-wing fit (up with civil rights, down with capital punishment, up with "a woman's right to choose", down with ownership of guns), but more just a nice little good over evil thing. joan's character had this amazing amazing dignity and i had great respect for her even though she and i disagree a little on political beliefs. gary oldman was phenomenal as always and had this great complexity of good intentions mixed with mccarthy-ism. jeff bridges was a little clintonesque so you weren't really sure of him most of the time, but his coming around to this side of good was kind of powerful, in my opinion.. even though there was a little bit of cheese (but not very much at all) and it was all pretty idealistic, but sometimes we need that. i still think politicians should watch movies and get their cues from them. they perfectly depict what's wrong and how we need to change. but i'm just a teenager..

countdown to L.I.E: 2 days.

the creek tonight! woo! i'm such a dork.. but it's so good.. er, bad, i mean bad.. oh but it's so good.
c h a r l i e...

i'm trying to find an available moment (2 hours) to watch Mother Night which i bought last week, which is based on a fantastic vonnegut book, but i can't seem to. i've seen it before, but on tv, i'm curious to see what was edited out, hopefully something. nick nolte starring in his second vonnegut book-turned-movie, bravo, nick. i'm really very impressed with him. and it's really interesting and heartbreaking and chilling.. it's great. it's a less funny vonnegut.. which is just as good, really. it stays with you longer.

buddyhead radio is killing me. i'm dead now. go listen to it: http://buddyhead.hipster.org/player/ the best are the icarus line, ink and dagger, radiohead (oh it gets me so excited) , aphex twin, at the drive-in (an awesome remix), kool keith, odb, N.E.R.D, and, of course, TEXT. oh man.

lovemelo

well

apparently someone out there has been doubting jay-z's heterosexuality because he's freaked out and released a song all about his love of "girls, girls, girls".

sure, brah

simma down nah, jay-z. you're about as gay as they come, i'm afraid..

alright axel has so far made the most comments here so i'm going to honor that with a delicious little axel story that i've never shared with anyone, even axel. (i think?) this may be a way to get more people to comment.. because i'll then try to type up a very interesting story about them.. everyone likes attention.. yes


there was O N E time in axel and i's friendship where i was in the least bit sexually attracted to him. (oh doesn't that sound interesting? ;) this has absolutely nothing to do with axel being an unattractive, unsexy, anything-negative guy, it has everything to do with the fact that there merely is no sexual chemistry between people of different sexual orientations. and that's why they're different sexual orientations kids. but there was one small moment where there was an ounce of it, in my head at least, with axel. k here we go

axel and i used to go to my church together all the time (what is it with me and church?) on wednesday nights and after the service the "hip kids", mainly the young adults, would go over to this other building for a thing called YAM (young adults ministries) which was really just different rooms to hang out in and place connect four or listen to music or talk to debate theology or whateveryouwantedtodo and the big main room was mainly where axel and i would go and sit on futons and watch cute boys and discuss life like good little teenagers. those were good times, weren't they axel?

well there was one time, one of the first times we had gone, where we were sitting, kind of laying out really, on this folded out futon (i think) on the floor and the lights were all dim and there was this music playing and people all around doing their thing (as always) and we were talking about something sexual.. i don't remember what it was, but it was more of a joke and then i had to somehow mimic a girl lying in wait on a bed for some lover or something and i made some goofy sexy pose and there was some look we gave each other and it was this bizarre moment of sexual confusion for me.. and i was like "wait a minute, i'm not attracted to this kid, he's not attracted to me, he's gay, i'm straight, ((oh wait, then you were calling yourself bi, so maybe that was the little loop hole i suddenly found)), so what the hell was that?" and then i had to go over different situations in my head of what could follow, and of course nothing did, thank God, that would've been messy. but it was definitely there for a few minutes and i'll never forget it because it was so random and short-lived and unexpected.

so there's my funny half-attraction to axel story. :) you know that must say a lot about axel's attractive elements.. if someone breaks the laws of sexuality and biology and chemistry and all that and finds a moment of attraction.. that's interesting. axel you should be studied. lol.

ok. sweet dreams ;) lovemelo

CURRENTLY
i'm spending about 300% of my income. i think i should stop that.

i've developed a slightly violent thirst for ROCK N ROLL. heavier, too.. after listening to buddyhead radio, where i get text and at the drive-in and the icarus line and ink and dagger.. i'm thinking if atdi, refused and text melted into each other they might be the greatest band ever. aside from tenacious d.

and then after seeing the beastie boys and run dmc on reverb.. and thinking about jurassic 5 and outkast and tribe called quest and ODB and kool keith and N.E.R.D.. i'd also really like some great new rap/hip-hop to run into me somewhere. when it's good.. it's GOOD.

i think i'm searching for my youth, because mainly youths listen to rock and rap and hip-hop. i've been catapulted out of my "adult contemporary/radiohead" phase and i think balancing my checkbook (holy crap) and trying to map out my financial future has sent me shaking about growing up and thus, here i am wanting kiddy music. but good, smart kiddy music, kids. yea.

i'm eagerly eagerly awaiting the contender to start on hbo.. i've run into it two or three times about 10 minutes in, which is not satisfactory, i must see the whole thing.. and it looks really good from the clips i've seen.. and GARY OLDMAN is in it.. in another chameleon formation of his.. he's so fucking amazing. if you weren't tracking him, you'd never recognize him. he's fucking phenomenal. go gary. "shot in the heart" on saturday was one of the most earth-shattering things i've seen in a while.. family troubles, no really, family troubles.. a guy in prison for murder awaiting the death penalty and wanting to go through with it instead of having his brothers appeal.. oh the acting.. giovani ribisi and a guy that looks like the spitting image of a young robert deniro. ohhh my. it was so good. and my vincent is EVERYWHERE.. tv, theaters, movie rentals.. he's following me around and i LIKE IT..

i had a very interesting dream last night where i went home and apparently slept with this very gay boy from my sociology class. a strange story follows him around.. he's absurdly skinny and slightly tall and he always wears these short little girl shirts with very short sleeves and his hair is so neatly trimmed and his face is so dainty and he's just so incredibly prissy looking and he has one of those satchel things with a giant sticker that says "it's not pretty being easy" and he walks like a stuck-up old woman. and get this, axel, he hangs out with that gay boy we met outside of d.i.y one night who said he had slept with his manager when he was in some boy band or something.. remember? and he went to trinity or something? well it took me a little bit to place him, but i did. so i guess they're dating or something. and it all just feels incredibly dirty to me. this skinny kid bothers the heck out of me and i can't seem to help it.. i think he's aroused the first semi-homophobic feelings in me.. the first few weeks i actually felt slightly violent towards him.. it was very mild, though, and i more just wished he would look and act different because it seemed that if i was feeling that way, some actual homophobic person would soon beat the shit out of him.. but i was kind of mad at him about this. and now i just kind of get a little annoyed when i see him.. and it's very strange, i don't like feeling this way, but he just bothers me. what the hell. i don't know. and it's so ridiculous for me to be yelling out "no, YOU CHANGE!" christ.. what am i, ten?
so anyway, that aside, i apparently went home with him in the dream and then i found out the next morning he just slept with me to get to this guy that he was after somehow and i wasn't really bothered and we went to take a bath for some reason and his roommates were wanting to talk to him thru the bathroom door and he was under the water for a second and he couldn't hear so i kind of laughed and said he was "indisposed" at the moment, kind of alluding that he was going down on me (in a fucking bathtub? wtf) and they all laughed.. like i was trying to make them think he was straight for some reason? and then we were in the parking lot outside some event and we came across the guy he's after and first he's this young, blonde hot rod type, definitely straight, and then somehow he turns into a young robert redford (who i'm kind of after right now).. so i'm asking robert these questions like i'm supposed to interview him, but i'm trying somehow to get him interested in skinny gay boy yet i'm flirting with him.. i have no idea.. and then i go inside and find BENICIO (well hey there, long time) and all of these other "hispanic" attractive males and apparently robert's real last name is like perez.. lol. and then some other weird stuff happens that i can't remember. very strange. ok then

when people go to bed and turn off the lights in the house, even if it's 10:30, it feels really fucking late.

i'm reading catch-22 finally. and it's reminding me a lot of a slightly less funny vonnegut in style, which is interesting.. i got a little worried that i couldn't be a real "reader" besides mainly vonnegut stuff, or just really offbeat stuff, because it would feel too much like school and i'd get off track too often.. which might still be true. we'll see. i hope not, though.. i'd really like to read "the brothers karamotzov", or however you spell it.. another dostoevsky. and i need to read 1984 again. and my authors need to become more varied.. because right now, on my own, i've only read about 5 authors... that's not good, with the amount that i've read. so yeah.. the pile of vonnegut is going to have to wait. maybe i'll just spread them out.. a nonvonnegut book, then another vonnegut book, then a nonvonnegut, and so on... heh

heyyy "i'm tired". i can't get the picture of spooning with vincent out of my head. what's sexier than that?

lovemelo

an entire week or so is missing from my archives. i think it has something to do with when i put in this comments thing which apparently is completely useless because people don't respond to me, ho hum, so someone tell me how to find them please. merci

i watched monty python and the holy grail at enzian today with my brother. the third time i've seen it and the second time on the big screen.. interesting. your mother was a hamster! brave, brave, sir robin.. when danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.. hi ho

i need a few hundred synonyms for "i'm tired" so i don't have to keep saying "i'm tired".

"happy accidents" is such a great great little movie... love and fate and passion rolled up with a little sci-fi weirdness.. kind of like starman - remember STARMAN!? i loved that movie so much when i was like 5. that says something. only vincent d'onofrio is far better looking. oh my, i'm getting into him. he's this big.. strong.. MAN. feels strange to think, but i do anyway.. he's so tall and.. powerful.. and you just get lost in him. oh it's nice. and what an actor. i love him. he's the guy in the new law and order, by the way.. and he was the evil guy in the cell and the evil bug guy in men in black and the picked-on private who commits suicide in the first half of full metal jacket. oh yes. and of course abbie hoffman in "steal this movie" - just writhing with sexuality. damn. ok

lovemelo

the taller you are, the funnier you are. no really. the proof is in cliff.

it occurs to me that if the female population was wiped out not only would a few of my major problems go with it, but i would be so much more popular. and good-looking. hey now. well maybe we'll leave a few.. bjork, jessica, angelina (well i'm not sure, i won't hold up to that one - maybe just pictures and video footage), and that sexy low-voiced lady from Cat Power that i get to see at sapphire next month. meow.

is it more attractive to make silly sounds and put them inside asterisks? apparently. shoot me in the head.

i have an undeniable urge to run away to a place where nobody knows me without telling anyone who does and letting them have no idea where i've gone for a good several months. i need to get that out of my system. i'm very tired of these people and these surroundings. i'd probably tell axel though. or i'd kidnap him. hi ho.

lovemelo

i love axel. i love and miss axel. why did he have to leave? godammit.

and the beastie boys. i love the beastie boys. where did they go?

blogger is making me do strange things, mommy...

Freaky Running Man


one night around six months ago i was driving down dyson towards tuscawilla. it was around 10pm. the windows were down and i was relaxed with whatever music was playing, kind of casually driving down this dark road - when suddenly there's a flash of white to my right, i turn suddenly to see this extremely tall, extremely thin, PALE sickly looking woman (?) in all white and no hair jogging on the side of the road in the most awkward fashion imaginable with her arms flailing about as she did it.. she came out of nowhere and i veered a little because, honestly, i had thought i'd seen a ghost. it was terrifiying. i thought she was either anorexic or a cancer/luekemia patient. it was strangely horrific and left me with this chill as i watched her jog off in the rear view mirror.
weeks later i'm going down the same road at the same time at night and i'm looking for her. i see the bridge up ahead and the lights on the side of it. then one set of lights starts bouncing. it's her.. i brace myself for another frightening encounter and drive a little slower to get a better look. it's a man! it's an old old old frail, could-die-at-any-second man! a bone thin, bald crazy looking old man with some insatiable desire to run! he wears all white and his shirt has refector beams on it so someone doesn't run him over, because let me tell ya, he comes at you all of a sudden-like. i have no idea why he feels the need to run.. he's incredibly thin and seemingly wayy too old to do this kind of extensive aerobic exercise which i've now seen him do so many times on the same roads at the same hours of the night and now hear the same hours of the morning - it's insane. and he's so FREAKY looking.. his arms are so weak that they just fly everywhere when he runs.. there's a madness in his eyes. he looks like he's escaping from a hospital. and he's this ghostly white.. it's so freaky.
so i now have a relationship with him. i look for him whenever i'm out at that certain time on those certain roads and i almost always see him. i've shown him now to a few people, all of which didn't believe he'd be as freaky as he actually is and doubted that we'd see him and are completely freaked out when we do. but it's really kind of a joke.. i get this nervous jittery feeling, that fun-scared suspense you get when you're watching a horror movie.. and seeing him never fails to be terrifying/entertaining. well maybe not terrifying.. it's just freaky. and so i named him freaky running man. and i refuse to think he has any other name.
i almost stopped and talked to him the second or third time i saw him, before the shock of him had worn off, to tell him to not run anymore because he's so damn freaky looking, he might get people into an accident when they first see him, like i nearly did. i think it's better left unsaid, though.. one day.. one day i'll talk to him. my brother wants to follow him around on a bike and find out his trail of running.. i'm intrigued. it's a fun little game.
however, the last three times i've looked for him i haven't found him. it occurs to me that i haven't seen him in probably two months or so. and with his age... this all means freaky running man could be..... dead. (gasp) i had these bizarre situations run thru my head whenever i'd look for him where, since i get a little odd driving at night and, like mentioned before, sort of hallucinate - that i'd accidently hit and kill freaky running man.. how strange that would be. not intentionally, of course.. just one of those odd life workings... hmm.. i hope he's alright. run on, freaky running man, run on.

lovemelo

so frank reminds me of poverty and what it's done to me and how it's been this spine of my life, always there, hardly noticeable, but sometimes blaringly obvious. you just get used to these things. i've never gotten into detail about it with anyone i don't think.. it's a strange embarrassing taboo.. i feel like if someone knew the extent they'd start a charity for me or some ridiculous thing and try to get me out of it and get this pitiful look on their face whenever they thought of me "oh, that poor, poor girl.. sigh" that's just weird. and sometimes i get overwhelmed with it.. when i think about it really and how different it is from most other people.. when i think of how it would be to be "normal" in that sense, whatever that is. to have parents with incomes over $20,000 a year, together, who have savings accounts with over $2,000 in them, who never borrow their children's money, who go out to dinner every once in a while. jesus i can't count how many times they've, together, had under $500 to their names.. maybe less, surely less. (i read that and am not shocked and i wonder if secretly lots of people get to that point and never talk about it.. maybe that's how hypnotized i am) and yet we've gotten by - and i have no idea how. merciful landlords/bill-collectors, generous friends, my new income. so right now i have about $750, which i'm fairly sure is more than both of my parents have, so i'm paying for gas for both of their cars and buying food and paying for cable and for the storage stuff to not be auctioned off and for of course everything for myself.. what world is this? i'm lulled to sleep with all of this to the point that it becomes perfectly normal and then every now and then i'm snapped awake and it's just jaw-dropping. what's going on? oh what's it matter.. there's no such thing as normal. if this way works for us, then it works for us. who cares? so what if the end of every month is nerve-wracking, mainly only for mother anyway.. i think i've gotten so used to it, so used to that last-minute fear of everything shutting off and then to have it all saved suddenly, that i no longer fear it. it's all perfectly normal. and so that's my normal. fine then. i hope i'm not growing a tumor or anything. ha

lovemelo

maybe these things aren't good. we are one person to certain people, another to others, another to family, another to ourselves, and another to our blogs. i'm not sure this is all right. i don't suppose i plan on doing anything about that, though. and this is a natural order. i won't pretend it's possible to be the same to all outlets. no. i hate that i can't be honest on this thing. i hate that i think i can't be honest on this thing.



[ c e n s o r e d ]



well aside from all this: i just watched the most incredible movie called Sex, Lies, and Videotape - written and directed by my fast-coming hero Steven Soderbergh. this guy.. this guy is a genius. he can produce the most tremendously sexy atmosphere - the most infinitely sexual moment, a moment that lingers on your tongue, that you feel on the hairs on the back of your neck.. there doesn't have to be sex. just conversation. m u s i c. camera angles. Stillness. EYES. it's awe-inspiring. add him to my list of quite possibly wonderful lovers. another of his films, Out of Sight, one of my all-time favorites, has probably my favorite sex scene, er, before sex scene ever - george clooney and jennifer lopez, the music, the voice overs, the jumping in time from when they meet in the bar to when they're in the hotel room - it's so unabashedly sexy it's.. it's something that you stop in your tracks to WATCH and afterwards just go.. "...wow." i'm so in love with his work. i'm so in love with his style. everything. he's my director/writer hero. his film-making style is so incredibly close to what i myself would do it's uncanny.. his writing is so much i wish mine could be but probably won't. no matter, i think i could be a good film-maker. i think i could create a soderberghian masterpiece one day and dedicate it to him. maybe that'll be my style. i'll impersonate different directors that i love and name the movie something in their honor. who would i pay tribute?.. kubrick. kazan. stone, lynch, von trier, luhrmann, allen. yeah. there's an idea.

but sex, lies, and videotape had andy mcdowell, who i hate, but loved in this role, and peter gallagher, who i also hate, but somehow tolerated, and mia from just shoot me, and some sexy quiet stranger with an impotence problem. it was so interesting.. there's comedies of manners, maybe this was a drama of manners.. and of course sex. i loved the depiction of sex and what it means and what it is in life and marriage and deception. it was so wonderfully interesting. to the point i forgot i was watching it with my mom. maybe this is growing up. go rent it for your own good.

joe cocker is so rock n roll and great. his songs Rock. i downloaded that "with a little help from my friends" song and it's just such fantastic rock n roll music. he was at woodstock, yknow. i'm going to buy his cd. talk about free love. rock the black backup singers, joe. go on whichor bad self.

i sat in mcdonalds and mapped out my financial future with my dad today. i couldn't help looking up at the ceiling and recognizing where i was and what this place was and what we were doing. and i hate money. i want that notion to revolutionize the world. or at least my life. i want to quit dealing with it altogether. this is the beginning of the end of the life that, though shitty as hell, was with some purity, and now i'll start the other life of working and saving and spending and worrying and working and saving and spending and on and on for decades until i finally beat it to get (nothing) or it finally beats me. because really.. if i somehow get rich, which wouldn't happen i'm sure, that wouldn't make me happy. i wouldn't be satisfied with that life. the cars and the house and the things - the material possessions that, honestly, i want, but really, i know i shouldn't and hopefully won't. and if i'm middle-income, an all-out possibility, i'll just struggle with it for ever and ever. and if i'm poor it'll hinder my life like it's done for this part of it. so there is the only solution of rejecting this part of society altogether and being an independent person outside the world. which is almost completely a fairy tale. maybe not even a happy one. that's where we get hermits and things.
i just don't want to start down the money trail. and all forces are working towards me doing that. and they always always Always will. that damn song was right: "you're a slave to money, then you die". i feel like i'm strolling off a cliff. is it lemurs that do that? or something starting with a "g"?.... i can't recall. well if it's lemurs, we're all fucking lemurs. and we have a choice, but we don't take it. and won't take it. and i'm not looking forward to it all. i hate money.


when i leave this place... phew, for a minute there, i lost myself..

alright i keep forgetting to talk about TYRAN. i am reminded of him on another blog i've created of things i need to remember which is really me just rambling about my favorite movies/music/books among a few other things. slc punk was watched for the second time in tyran's living room with his mom and stepdad and bonnie and it was a little awkward, what with all the gratuitous sex and violence, but somehow great.

tyran donis. it's no wonder that's his last name, being so close to adonis, in greek mythology the most beautiful human male. this kid is so amazingly good looking i have to stop and watch him walk by. i can't get over him nor do i want to. he represents a very bizarre time and place in my life in the middle of 11th grade, when he was a freshman, and i found him and started obsessing over him, but in a very casual and fun way, and bonnie knew him, so there was our connection. and it got to the point where he and i and bonnie and axel went out together and rocked out at shows and got him to run around in his underwear during truth or dare games and he bought me ice cream once and he and i always had the backseat of axel's car, all my doing, i'm afraid, and the first night of hanging out with him we got into a staring contest on the way home and a Live song was on the radio and while i was thinking how erotic this all was and how i should just kiss him NOW i got a little too into the song and closed my eyes for a moment while singing and then made him aware that i suddenly lost the staring contest.. i don't think he'd even noticed if i hadn't reacted so loudly.. so that moment was broken. i tried to repair and try again but it didn't happen. i was very close, though. it was nice. it was horrible timing though... the poor kid was so young. i have no idea what he would've done if i'd kissed him. he'd never done a single thing with a girl at that point. i had no idea it'd get to that point. usually these crushes on pretty people i have nothing in common with goes away when i spend time with them. only this one didn't. so it messed with my head for a few months. i had a wonderful 3 hour conversation with him on the phone one night. he mentioned to bonnie once completely randomly that he thought i was "really pretty" - which still makes my mouth gape a little. and once when she and i had gone to his house and my dad had made me come home almost immediately after we got there so i was a bit depressed about the whole thing, he thought it was his fault, the sweet thing, and called to apologize. this right after i'd calmed down about him and let reality set in and resolved to stop trying to make out with him. and then he'd do little adorable things like that and he'd just fuck me up all over again. but so much crazy teenage silliness with bonnie and him flirting without perhaps them knowing it and her finally admitting to having feelings for him and them having *so much* in common that it seemed silly for me to be involved anymore.. i'd tried for a good 2 months and i'd failed. so i left it to her. which of course nothing happened. but somehow all was lost and we never got together again. i had absolutely nothing against tyran ever, but the utmost adoration for him, it just all got so ridiculous and i felt we were torturing him and he didn't deserve all the craziness so i guess i just retreated altogether. i tried at the [metal sign] show when i saw him last to apologize for it all, he wouldn't let me finish.. it apparently makes him uncomfortable. i'd love to make it up to him. i'd love to start hanging out with him again, just to see what he's grown into, and it's certainly something else, he seemed so old suddenly.. and now instead of punk rock he listens to reggae ;) bizarro-world. maybe i'll get another chance with that one. it feels unfinished. hm we'll see. oh but what a smile he puts on my face..

lovemelo

"it's just love"
-Get Real, a lovely little movie i just watched about a boy coming to terms with being gay.

I’ve already had this conversation with marianna this evening, and I don’t know if she has access to this blog, so if she does it’ll be tedious for her. Oh well
i've been a little obsessed with seeing a few movies that have come out over these past years. not just anxious, but convinced that they’re going to be the end-all-be-all. first I think was american beauty, which knocked me over the first time axel and I saw it in the theatre. i somehow hate to admit it, because it’s a bit mainstream and recent and attached to lots of I suppose teenage things, but it seems to be in my top ten favorite movies of all time. maybe even top five when I’m honest with myself. i don’t tell people that. then there was moulin rouge. hey, come to think of it, i saw that with axel too. though not the first time for me ;) moulin rouge was disappointing, not a fabulous movie, completely not what i expected it to be, but exciting when it was meant to be exciting and great music, and avante-garde.. sort of.. and just different. so that's nice. but not fantastic or anything.
well now there's L.I.E.
i'm very intrigued with L.I.E. the previews give me chills (that's the sign), something like "you thought all taboos were revealed in the 20th century.. welcome to the 21st century" - includes "great humor, scenes of shocking violence, unique moral commentary regarding pedophilia, wonderful performances, and moments of truly inspired film-making".. hmm, i say. of course previews are an art form all to themselves..and as we've seen with moulin rouge, sometimes portray a far better film.. and the writer and director are newcomers.. and those that have seen it also recommend KIDS and Happiness - i've never seen KIDS, but i've seen Happiness. um.. it was a bit too much for me. there was this overlying sexual dirtiness, whether it be next door neighbors or a father's lust for little boys. not funny enough, yet still tried to create humor out of.. pedophilia? i'm not sure that works. in fact, it didn't. it was disturbing, at best. of course L.I.E appears to be different in that the boy is consenting.. which might make it interesting. i certainly had no problem with Lolita, i own it now. something about consenting.. not necessarily adults. a strange topic i think might get me into trouble one day. more i'm not honest with even myself about. anyways, go see L.I.E on the 19th, if only for the experience.

aaron from dear ephesus is a changed man. this once pinacle of good-christian-manhood i had him built up to be for four years is now.. perhaps drunk? a little crazy. a little disheveled. maybe broken, i'm not sure. now.. a mix of country and blues and rock 'n roll that i don't seem to respond to at all. but what's more, i don't respond to him anymore. i can't look at him or think about him the same. the man shook a bottle of beer on stage, for chrissake. it's a little sad, but maybe it's just another step in my breaking down this religion for what it really is. not this religion, maybe, but the people behind it. i'm so tired of religion, though. "once again, we are hungry for religion. that's a strange mistake to make, you should turn the other cheek." maybe it's not everything. maybe it's just another part of life that doesn't need to be obsessed over. maybe we don't need to concern ourselves. maybe we're better off without it. a clue: religion is not God.

another night at sapphire without seeing bryce. i'm taking this as a sign. fucking give up. you lost your chance. maybe this will remind you someday. walking out of citywalk last night to look up to the walkway overhead where i had an epiphany once with kristin and axel and bonnie and gimpy and michelle having a good time around me and me there thinking about him and whatthehellamidoing and finally i said we needed to go over there. i was going to talk to him then. and we went. and i saw him. and things stopped and got quiet and i still didn't do anything. i hate to think of failure as something that looms over our heads the rest of our lives.. or at least 'til we overcome it one day. so i guess...

remind me never to go out with a group of people where i am the sole of my gender. oh i'm sure it'll happen again. i'm attracted to it at first and it always ends the same. it wears me out. maybe i'm just to stop seeing male friends i could possibly be attracted to alltogether. it's too complicated. i want to get away from these people. i want girl friends and perfectly perfectly platonic male friends - where is that!? i'm so fucking tired of sexual-ANYTHING with people i do not want to be with. i don't even want to think about them. i don't want to remember anything that might trigger any fucking feeling i don't want to think about it all damn day long i don't want to run into it in my journal and in my emails and in my "keepsakes bag" i don't want it anymore. i've been a slave to it for years and years and years and it represents the past and i want to dropkick the past and meet something new and start over and either forget (right) or make some peace with it so i don't get all goddamned frustrated like this when i think about it. oh lord i'm tired. why can't i just not feel it when people say certain things that come so naturally to them and shouldn't make me feel a damn thing?



ok. there's my teen angst section. put that in your nu-metal pipe and smoke it.

lovemelo

testing..

i have finally done the thing i've been meaning to do for four years. i bought Ok Computer on cd. woo. possibly my favorite album of all time and i've been too poor to ever buy it because i had it on tape. but then the tape died. so i was forced out, and with some money now, it all worked. gosh it's a good album. and i took the liberty to buy my first jazz album: miles davis' bitches brew. woo it's a good album. really really really. i listened to it while studying for a sociology exam and the exam felt real easy this morning, finished in under 15 minutes, i think jazz makes you smarter. i'm convinced. i got it because some magazine had broken down radiohead's new album amnesiac and described what famous album each song reminded them of and one of my favorite songs reminded them of bitches brew. so there you go. and it's full of really exciting crazy crescendo-ing madness. feels like a jack kerouac novel sometimes. "blow that thang!" it's Wonderful.

the most ridiculous, cheesy, terrible, cornball, retarded thing ever: russel crowe's band and their video. ohhh my. wow. it's atrocious. and the cheeseball acting by sir russel in his own damn music video! hello mr. academy awards! wow.. and then directly afterwards to see a great video, interesting - coldplay's trouble. i love that video. reminds me of the smashing pumpkins "tonight, tonight" or whatever it's called. i love the tornado effect.. i need to see the wizard of oz again, i'm thinking. it's probably been a decade.

in the morning, in the mo-o-rning, it's GREAT! to stay up late - good morning, good morning, to you (and you and you and you) woo

i saw serendipity tonight. great movie. no really. i loved it. i expected it to be dumb because, well, romantic comedies usually are, and that silly kate beckinsale woman appeared in PEARL HARBOR, the horrific movie that will live in infamy, but i had kind of forgotten how great john cusack's taste is.. because he appeared in American Sweethearts.. which was really not that good. (except for the scene i die for all movies/tv to have: waking up in the morning next to whomever and hiding morning breath instead of making out some more. finally) well serendipity is a wonderful funny fun little movie.. only an hour and twenty five minutes long. and john's fantastic. and so is that pcu guy. and i'm so very in love with john. i mean really. he's been an obsession before.. but i never quite gave him what he deserves. megan had a plan to move to chicago, his home, and run into him and marry him. what a great idea. she's about 10 years ahead of her age anyway. john now gives me butterflies. he's got it. and i loved the movie but i got out of the theater feeling a little odd. i didn't know what to call it. miles was on in the car but it didn't feel right.. and i didn't have any choice but to put on ok computer, but it was too down for this happy movie, but i listened to it anyway.. um.. for a little bit it was that weird after-good-movie high where you don't really feel anything that's going on around you. strange jittery feeling, butterflies, blank stares while driving - seeing weird things in shadows and lights, maybe people? i hallucinate while driving at night, i think. it's a little unnerving. then this weird dryness that settled into this depression, kind of sad-tired. i want this love stuff, i want to skip all the bullshit and just get to the love stuff. no i don't really. anything would do probably. and a first-last-only thing doesn't sound fun. i'm not a bible character. it just takes for e ver. i'm tired. life is tiring. i'm tired. i need something. where is it? when is it? hello?

there was this moment tonight when i was sitting at the table doing my reading-the-paper-friday-ritual thing and jordan's music is always on in his bedroom lowly and i heard this really gorgeous song.. and he's on the computer and all lights are off in the back rooms and i just got up and stepped into his doorway in the dark and listened to this new wonderful Live song on the radio - overcome. wow, that's nice. there was a wonderful stillness.

cherry mountain dew can now be purchased in two liters and 12-pack cans. oh yeah. it's comin' up in the world. don't trust nobody.

lovemelo

in the spirit of frank's gripes:

i just saw the video for the "all star tribute" rendition of marvin gaye's "what's going on" - if you haven't seen it, it's a bunch of pop stars, from bono to fred durst to nelly to nick carter, coming together for a sentimental hip-hop-rap-pop sing-a-long about recent events. wow. ok. has anyone seen "wag the dog"? i understand these events weren''t made up, necessarily, but this pop propaghanda bullshit is the same fucking thing. there is something very wrong - look closer. i don't care if it's for a good cause. it's creepy. end of story. go watch wag the dog.

am i the only one on earth aware that gwen stefani is not attractive? take away the make-up and she's an ugly duckling, kids. wake up. she's like tori spelling. who here thinks tori spelling is attractive? well go dunk your head in the toilet.



love n kisses,
melo

i went on a night out on the town sunday, by myself, thought maybe i could catch tori amos and rufus wainwright at the tupperware theater in obt KISSIMMEE but that was sold out and too far at only an hour away. hm. so i saw two movies, zoolander, kinda funny, and then the adventures of felix, about a gay french arab guy on a quest to find his father and finds his "family" along the way.. it's nice to see gay sexuality portrayed so casually and realistically, instead of this big hurrah.. like any other sexuality. it's refreshing. it was so funny, i walked into this theater and someone yells "THERE'S ONE!" apparently i am not only the only straight person in there, i am the only female. i thought "well i guess this wasn't the best place to pick up guys". it was funny but i felt a bit on display and a little alienated and threatened.. which is funny because gay men are about the least threatening people i can imagine. kinda sad in a way that they all show up for a "gay film".. though this one did look very good, and was very good. i can hardly blame them. or maybe it's just that not many straight people showed up to it.. i don't know.

i finally finished deadeye dick, but i can hardly form an opinion because i was basically distracted the whole time by my waiter at steak n shake. first he just seemed very personable and topher grace-like.. then this strange look in his eyes when i ordered and he looked at me and said "beautiful". this guy was flirting with me. well what the heck. this happens about as often as haley's comet.. ok. i wouldn't have noticed him much if it weren't for that, but you know that the best turn on for someone is for the other person to like them. well i kinda went back to my book, i sort of figured it might be nothing. then he strikes up this conversation starting with "so what are you reading?" how classic. and we talk about books and career plans and school (he's at ucf.. hm.. art major) and my little idea for a movie about the mary kay lady and how he should move to a foreign country and earn a small living, live simply and paint in his free time instead of being a "struggling artist" - but he's not like that.. this is not a dream or anything. he's reasonably attractive, especially because of his blue eyes, but he's a little dumb.. well, just a little naive. he'd never heard of winter springs, for instance. he called himself sheltered. i believed him. he has a lot to learn, but he seems very willing to try. he seems like an innocent. so we never exchanged numbers or anything and i was too committed to finishing my book to try to make after-work plans with him.. even though he would get off work about ten minutes later and walk out the door, only a minute or two before i'd finally finish my book and walk out after him.. though he was gone. i had a little hope he might be waiting there for me but he wasn't. so now i sort of hope i run into him at school. should make for an interesting story. how bizarre this world is. when's the last time something like that happened to me? i have no idea. maybe it never did.

just tonight finished the second season of sex and the city.. what a great show. what a great season finale. i love "the way we were".

"Your girl's lovely, Hubbel"

lovemelo