wipe out - i've wiped out - i'm going under. shit

dad just told me tonight about mega-tsunamis, yea, i guess they hit every few hundred thousand years and we're due in for another here in a few hundred or thousand years. or maybe next wednesday. from the canary islands will fall whole sides of mountains, enormous land masses several kilometers in diameter, sending waves hundreds of meters high towards the east coast of the U.S. - these waves are many kilometers in length, 1,000 or maybe 1,500 meters tall, they race at about 500 miles an hour towards us, reaching us in around 8 hours, and there we will be devastated.. the waves will destroy maybe 12 miles inland, maybe more. and in 8 hours you simply can't get everyone to get the hell out of florida and on hard land up above us. we're all doomed. i'm drenched just thinking about it.

i've had an amazingly bad week despite the goodness, it completely slammed me over the head, i was caught all unprepared for the same old fucking shit. i really just want to hibernate for months, let no one see me, or go off and join another clan for a while and make them wonder what the hell happened to me. or maybe disappear for years and come back 100 pounds thinner and no one recognizes me and they all hit on me and then maybe i'll cut their eyes out. yeah. "where did that come from?" it's always there. it is Always There. i don't need mom to tell me anymore because my friends tell me every time they see me, when they don't see me. listen to me listen to me there is nothing that seperates us but bodies, i am inferior in no other way, why does that have to mean so much? how can there be the smartest funniest kindest most interesting fat girls and no one in the goddamned world sees them? shit. this all happened five days ago but it took about five hours to hit me and now it's taking a while to wear off. i've created a monster. not that i want any of these people, because i don't. one has a vagina, one is not terribly smart, and the other is - cruel. but as that song says "i want you to want me". yknow i'm blowing this whole thing way out of the water because this is completely not the same scenario and never was and my comparisons are all offbase but i was just smacked over the head with these feelings: he would never uproot and move anywhere for me. never in a million years. when i dug around this idea of you and her i was not digging for a replacement, who the fuck am i kidding, i've already been replaced several times over probably, but those girls never bothered me because in my head i was always smarter or more interesting in some way, yea i'm a complete bitch, but this is an entirely different thing - she may be my match, and she has that one other advantage as well, so this is a completely different ballgame. my ego can not in any way be stroked by this arrangement, i can only feel like less because of this, the wave is headed right for me. and would you believe, as smart as i am, it never occurred to me that i would react this way? i can't believe it either.

hey i know this is all so stupid and i know you're crinkling up your eyes in a grimace after every line and thinking "melo, melo, no, you have no idea", and maybe i don't but this is how it's all hitting me and i feel like complete shit. there was really only that one other time that i felt so used up and worthless and disgusting. and so i get angry at you, all of you, because i blame you for making me feel this way even tho it is merely my reacting to all of you in a way that maybe isn't necessary. there's a piece of me that feels very strongly that there is a majority of the world out there that is completely different, sees things completely different, wouldn't even notice the pink elephant because pink elephants are old news and beautiful just like all the other safari creatures! so i jump to: i need new people around me, i want to start fresh, i want new eyes that have a completely different view of things. i may get to go camping with them next month. i was there with them and i was still the pink elephant in the room but i didn't feel like i was, and it didn't seem like anyone else noticed it - NEW EYES DIFFERENT PEOPLE - and i love these people that have been here for years, i do, but i fear that it's my self-loathing side that draws me to them. oh you know what

this has gotten too complicated. basically something that wouldn't make most people blink has capsized me and i'd love to not bother telling anyone because it just reveals what a depressing psycho i am but then i wonder if i just didn't say a thing for about a month until it went away and i went back to the parties and everything was great, wouldn't it all show up again in a year or two? the very same thing? not that it won't. but now at least you know a little. the tsunami show says "it's not a question of if, it's a question of when". i kind of hate you, but, i can't seem to leave. i'm not back in that place, don't worry, i'll probably never be, but it still manages to hurt like hell.

so after a lovely evening bonding with will and frank, frank and i drove around where we had one of our finest moments and he inspired my latest craze:

Boys II Men

oh hell yes. i've just downloaded all the greatest hits stuff plus a few others.. sooooo goooood.. "i'll make love to you" just made me blush like a school girl the first time listening to it again. man! 6th grade, baby! elton, you're next btw..

is alan mad at me now because i care about his love life? stop to think for just a moment and realize how silly you're being. i have a story to tell you when you decide to call me. you've gone and lost your spot at the melo&jenn table, so go cry in the corner about that. you make me second guess myself but yknow what i'm right here, as i am in all situations, so homie don't play that.

what's your favorite Boys II Men song? end of the road is really freaking good. but i can't help it, motown philly is so fun and was maybe my first love of theirs because all i had was cooleyhighharmony. so good.

frank, you're right about life is peachy. there's something about it that's better than the debut.. i was listening to daddy the other day and you're just like... buddy.. why are you putting this on your cd? it makes you very uncomfortable. and then his sobbing.. i'm sorry, i got off on it when i was a whiny teenager but i can't believe he didn't get the shit kicked out of him at more shows. macho guys don't roll with that stuff. i'd like to watch the video again, though, i guess i lost it. this is the era of my life where i review my musical past apparently. the closest i've come to liking new rock is jet. my dad even liked it. there's a closer in here somewhere...

i just had a wonderful every-six-months conversation with drewcifer, and the weather is cool and great, and i get to see jenn tomorrow and dish, and thanksgiving food is hours away.. things are relatively good.

outkast was so cool just now on the american music awards.

so last night, after marianna and i went to see lost in translation (third time), she got a call from a boy telling her there was a party so we went, and there i met some of the coolest kids i've ever met in my life. it was the best time. dancing! to hey ya! and remixed bjork songs and new rock n roll and all this great stuff. kids who like to dance are a missed thing in my life. just goofy dance, "dance fights", mirror dancing.. it was great. the people were so goddamned nice, so welcoming, so OPEN.

does anyone remember JT? marianna and meghan brennon's friend. he was there, drunk and rambling about an overly dark existential play (..repetitive) over at rollins, a real mindfuck that was hilarious to hear described by an unsober kid who still wasn't over it.

the place was matt's, a skinny bowl-haired kid who was such a gracious host you wouldn't believe, spent an enormous amount of time apologizing and trying to help me clean poo of my shoes because his mom's shitzu shit (ha) everywhere a while before everyone realized it.

his roommate, miguel i think, is someone i've seen before, probably at school, he has a lovely curly fro, they played their recorded music on the computer and it's everything from cool techno to outrageous, funny rock, good times.

frank OWNED the dance, he went nuts, marianna might like him now.

alex came later and told us about the corruption of the law office he works at and told me about his horrible experience living out his fantasies and gave me a big hug when i left even though he didn't know me very well.

conrad, a friend of jill's as it turns out, told me all about alaska, he grew up there, got really perked up when he heard i was obsessed with alaska. we talked about how amazing the life of salmon is. and late-term abortions and adoption and birth control and china's overpopulation. he thought conrad from heart of darkness was spelled with a "k" but i don't think so.. first i thought he was a character in the book, but he's the damn author i now realize. joseph conrad, right? with a "c".

joey was incredibly nice, first i complimented him on his tie and then later in the... marijuana smoking room... we were at the center of this circle of chaos coming from these crazy people and we started talking together about them and then it got into jesus and gandhi and how all of us have this thing in common, we started as christians and abandoned it somewhere along the way, and we sat close and it was intimate and great. wait, before this i was overhearing him telling this story to marianna and lane (i don't have a story about lane, just that he is incredibly skinny and marianna likes him and he invited us), and it went like this: joey was delivering a pizza recently to a salon after hours and the women invited him in and offered him blowjobs a la classic porno storyline (!!), but he was caught offgaurd and declined but now regrets it a little, lol.. that's the most bizarre story you'll hear for a while. so then joey wants a drink and we go downstairs where it's quieter and talk about movies and he asks what movie i'd watch right now to make me all happy and i say singin in the rain and he says he hasn't seen the whole thing.. and i'm not sure if joey was just a really nice guy or if he was into me, but as much as i liked him i have this distraction over here, which is

phil. (there are two phils actually, the other one is a natural-red-head drug fiend, very high, cute sweet etc) but see this phil is sexy as all hell. and i told him this. he says hi randomly at me, a little while after he arrived and we met, and i say "yea, we met, you're kind of sexy, i was looking at you earlier" and he laughs, he's drunk, and i continue talking to conrad.. and later when joey and i are downstairs phil comes down and goes into the bathroom right next to us and comes out and i can't help but stare at him because he fucking looks like brian from queer as folk, the sexiest damn thing on tv.. and i tell him this too.. so i've conveniently started this great blatant honesty thing with phil, which is nice, and he just sort of laughs it off but doesn't run off so that's nice. phil is very good looking. ok so he talks with joey and i for a while and then we go outside and alex tells me about his law office and we leave soon after cuz it's 4 and marianna's tired.

so you like that? cuz i do. many many very smart, cool, interesting, kind, good looking boys paying attention to me. i'm sure they were all just being nice because i'm new, but dammit i feel like i've been to an orgy. you know that thing about girls.. the SATs would say: good conversation is to girls as sex is to boys. and the girls were great too. very laid back, very cool girls. and dancing! so. i had a great time. i hope to see much more of those people. i had a dream involving them all that night too.. but of course phil was the main character because he apparently liked me back and we were trying to find a room to get busy. ; ) it was fun. go, dreams! ok goodnight. sweet dreams.

angelina who?

my new girl crush is scarlett johansson. i am in love with her. she's just got to be one of the oddly loveliest things in this world. and that is how you spell "loveliest", i checked.

i don't understand how to put a picture on this thing, so go here to visit her sexiness:

http://movieweb.com/movie/ghostworld/cod.jpg

and for god's sake go see lost in translation. it helps you appreciate her sultry voice, perfectly imperfect face, and yes, pot belly.. i love it. it's the best movie so far this year, it's in two entertainment magazines' lists for oscar contenders.. oh yes.

i'm listening to the new deftones album.. i talked to jenn last night and it's funny, it's as if we've landed on the same menstrual cycle.. she's back into her old love pearl jam and here i am rekindling my old flame. i made this lovely desktop of assorted favorite old chino pictures, three of them in that great red shirt he always used to wear when he was skinny and probably coked up or something. i downloaded the "be quiet and drive" video. that's a lovely video. whoever recorded it messed up and made the audio late or early, i forget which, but other than that it was a wonderful reminiscing. i like this new album. i do. it's good. i even like "lucky you". now. the other songs i didn't know the names of were "when girls telephone boys", "battleaxe", and "bloody cape" - good song. i really like "anniversary of an uninteresting event". it's pretty. chino, you're pretty. sure he seems like a perfectly ordinary/boring, somewhat obnoxious fellow judging from the footage on the cd-rom, but hey, you can't sing like that, and about that, and not be on some level amazing. am i right or am i right or am i right? orami right? ahammiright? (my favorite line from groundhog day)

and now guess what i'm listening to! i finally downloaded it. "there is no if" by the cure.. yes alan.. frank's mentioning of saladfishman made me look over that again and they're nice lyrics and now that i'm a cure head i can appreciate it more. where did you come across this song?

i feel like i should be saying something more important..is there some dark, profound thing i can relay to you kind people?... i'm about to get ready for bed, exercise, read, and go to sleep.. life is ordinary and not dark or really important. dad lost his job on halloween and is still looking for a new one, so i guess that could soon get ugly and get him in jail again in time for the holidays, but i'm not spending too much time thinking about it. i'm spending a bit of time thinking about chino. and movies i just saw and am just about to see. and a paper due tuesday. and recent boy drama. love actually was a very great movie, it stays with you. i had this really sexy dream a month ago where i made out with brian lacey, so now i'm missing him and wish i could run into him at 7-11 again and this time get out of the car and talk to him. he showed up with marcus sobering in another dream i had over the summer where my family and i were running out of a city in mexico that i thought was about to be bombed my a nuclear weapon. hm.

7-11 is a hotbed. weeks ago.. i was sitting in the car waiting while my dad was in getting a money order.. and tyran donis walks out, glances at me, for a while, recognized me i'm sure, gets into his black pick-up truck with a dominos delivery thing on it, drives out of my life.. i think the breath was knocked out of me, i was frozen. that kid.

see. it hasn't really been 8 years of barren wasteland.

i forgot something on my frank post:

new favorite phrase: big nelly bottom (taken from queer as folk)

and i keep remembering little things about the deftones show.. chino smoked some weed and started rambling about manattees.. lol.. starting making "sad manattee" noises, wanted to sing a manattee song, but instead just started "around the fur" with "hey manattee" instead of "hey vanity", it was hilarious. and god bless YOU, chino.

chino said his favorite song was queen of hearts by juice newton.. download that and experience pure chino.. : )

i still remember that damone starts at 32:36.

"this feeling gets old, and so do your eyes..."

so the deftones are still a great band. and they're all fat now. : ) they must be happy. abe is a chunky bastard with long curly hair now, he looks ridiculous. three of those guys are very lucky to be married. people kept throwing things at the stage and something hit chino in the head while he was holding that last great note in root.. the bastards.. chino spent a great deal of time on my side of the stage - i had this dream the other night where i was hanging out with him, meeting him after the show for dinner with some other people, i reminded him to put on his wedding ring, heh, it was fun.. so here's what they played:

bored, root, fireal
my own summer, around the fur, be quiet and drive, lotion, head up, mx
feiticeira, digital bath, change (the encore)
hexagram, minerva (opener), and 2 or 3 others but i don't know their names.. i should probably listen to that album more..

so good times for all, and i ran into jill and greg which was nice, so, good times.

i'm gonna copy frank because it's not like anyone's not used to that:

currently really into: the cure, particularly "wrong number" and "close to me"
waiting to see: love actually and the housekeeper, and i guess the matrix but blah
working: actually yes, a lot
homework: oh yes
porn: a big wallop this evening, the worst porn i've ever seen in my life, "Deep Inside: Dirty Debutantes #31" !! it was sitting on the vcr at work.. what was i supposed to do? my god.. the girls were having no fun at all. it was like reality porn. sorry but i like simulated sex better.
angry at: jordan who fucking broke my $100-better-than-sex headphones that our computer-music-listening relies on.. and i think i'm getting ready to being ready to move out maybe..
concerts: deftones, day after tomorrow with a nice boy named nate who i'm slowly getting interested in so i'm getting slightly nervous in a fun way
politics: i'm tired of them, i'm thinking of giving up until the real deal starts, west wing is even becoming a drag.. i'm such a girl, an election is pending and they could pass all this great legislation and ooo bartlet is yelling at god but dammit all i want is for josh and donna to get it on
downloading: aerosmith currently to compile with tons of other random songs for amanda
missing: the old jonah days a little, new york
crazy neighbors: annie and melissa, but it's kind of entertaining and i'm getting money for errands and things
concerns: did anyone actually go out and see lost in translation as a result of my last post? you all sicken me
hair: suddenly shorter and more purple.. it'll be ok in a few days but not soon enough for nate! we may just be heading towards good friends because we get along so well but hey you never know - yknow i gave him this address a while back, i suppose he could be reading this stuff, that would be convenient
dreams: he's going to think i'm obsessed with him if he's reading this.. i started thinking about him differently half because of this dream i had about him, which i told him about but said i didn't remember what happened, oh but i do.. i'm not sure, we were lying very close on a bed and first i didn't think about him but when we were there a sec i changed my mind, it was a "starting a relationship" feeling dream.. it was nice
movie i bought a month ago and still haven't watched for the first time with it in my possession: annie hall -- the lobsters!
movie that really is pretty great: jerry maguire
favorite scene from jerry maguire: when she's in the kitchen the morning after telling her sister that she's in love with him and she hears her kid say hi to him cuz he's around the corner listening in the hallway and her face is so classic, mortified, but he's a good guy and doesn't scamper off but instead kisses her on the cheek and sits to have breakfast with her son.. thas cool mang
best damn food ever: crab puffs
should be in: bed