when did this stop being a journal and start being an update thing?

i'm supposed to write what i "feel.......".. well i'm tired of that, especially after watching pi again, it's hard to feel throughout that movie..unless your head is hurting thru his. i'm very afraid of those headache/seizures. darren aronofsky apparently uses similar techniques in each of his movies.. the quick movements, like in pill popping, and the "Fear cam" where it's hooked up to the actor.. alright then. it doesn't seem as special now. if he does that with batman i'm going to laugh outloud.

so i saw jonah sunday night.. which was amazing. and everytime i see him now i'm getting less and less excited and i think that somehow this time won't feel as good.. and then it always does. and i got to tell him something like that. how i rarely listen to his music anymore, but whenever i see him it all comes back to me, like being reminded of something of yourself in the past. and it's a really good feeling. i still love his music. and this time he was even funny. he did this hilarious rendition of a madonna song performed by (his imitations) his dream team at the grammies or something.. which is madonna, jeremy enoch, a duo of haley joel osment and simon birch, and finally, yes, james hetfield. it was hysterical. everyone lu lu loved him. (i've been watching a lot of john leguizamo's sexaholix). and jenn and i are completely addicted to foose ball (sp?) - not because joey and chandler are.. because it's so damn fun. it's amazingly fun. so now i have a new goal of owning a foose ball table. and they had a great juke box at will's pub that had old far and james brown and tool and outkast and barry white and all of these great people.

i'm starting a nightly (6 a week or so) regiment of walking the hadaway's dog. i love this dog. and we both need exercise. and she's a great walking dog. so that's a good thing.

i smoked pot for the first time with kristin monday night. ah, caught ya off gaurd didn't i?

well it wasn't that great because it just made me extremely tired, but apparently not enough to go to sleep, and i wasn't in control and that didn't feel good, even though i thought it might.. and the back of my neck was really hot.. and i got really hungry, which is never all that useful. and i wanted to leave and gorge myself but i didn't feel like i could drive, until like 4 hours later..which still felt sketchy..so no i didnt enjoy it. which i guess is good because if i had i would've probably abused it to escape my problems.. and that apparently isn't a good idea, according to historical documents. so i think that's the end of melody and marijuana.

and i've managed, all of sudden, to get this great job basically babysitting this girl with rhuematoid arthritis that pays $8/hr and is from 2:30 to 10:30 or 12:30 every weekday. so that's a lot of hours. and a lot of money. and very little effort. this after playing phone tag with the lady for nearly a week. and reflecting on how oddly hard it is for me to find a real job. i guess this wouldn't be classified under "real job" though. with taxes and time clocks and all that. but i'm lucky. by god. the only thing is her place strongly resembles a garbage heap...and that kind of dirtiness makes me very uncomfortable. so i think i'll steadily start cleaning everything starting tomorrow.. oh boy. it's an amazing property, though.. big two story wooden house that's like a futuristic cabin looking thing..on a lake, but between the house and the lake are poorly-kept sheds and shrubs and trees and piles of junk and gnats and all of these unsavory things.. so i will come to the rescue, and we'll turn their property into what it deserves to be. mhm. $8 an hour baby.

lovemelo

i'm very very very into great danes right now.

quick thought: line from song i like: "i hate the way we expect to fail. and then we fail. and then we get bitter because we failed."

see, i've been really interested in danes for about a year, following my "the bigger the dog, the better" mantra.. well you can't get much bigger than danes. and that's a severe understatement. these are dog/horses. small ponies. i am freaking in love with them. so i've had this fantasy goal for a while of one day living alone in an apartment with my black or blue male great dane and he could just be my life partner for a while and we'd live happily ever after. i've longed for a dog since i got rid of my last one in second grade. well i'm going to remedy this situation the moment i'm able to. there aren't many apartments/condos that accept large pets, but there are a few, and the harder search will be worth it, i'm sure. there's one off of university near ucf, and there's one behind the blockbuster on red bug, so i had this dream last night (finally a happy future dream) of living back there with my dane and i'd walk him up to blockbuster all the time and i'd be afraid to leave him alone tied outside because someone might steal him (he wears a sign around his neck that says "i'm friendly" so people won't hesitate to pet him) so the blockbuster workers (who know me by now) let him sit right inside the door where they can play with him (they get all excited whenever we stop by) and then we go lie on the couch and watch movies.. what a life.

but see i had never seen one in real life.. but i'm driving my brother and his friend home yesterday and i mention danes and the girl says their friend has one, so we go over to their friend's house and theirs (actually a dane/rhodesian ridgeback mix - how incredible) is away at the moment but ALL IS NOT LOST and she leads us over to a neighbor's house who have TWO and we get to play with them and ask all sorts of questions for like half an hour. and jesus, the male, dreyfuss, is freaking huge. i wasn't actually prepared for a dog that big, to tell you the truth. i've seen them on tv, i've seen pictures. tons of pictures. but they're much bigger in real life. and so i was blown away and after the initial shock and slight fear at this gargantuan barking dog, i fell completely in love with both of them.. the girl, gracie, is black and slender and looks just like an oversized lab..dreyfuss's head is as big as a watermelon. gracie is all legs and kisses. they're nearly 6 feet long when they lie down, it's incredible. there is no bending to pet them..such a different feeling. so you look at these dogs, and you love them, and you almost have to laugh at every other dog because they're so tiny in comparison. i mean there is no other dog like them.. so how, i ask, could i be satisfied with any other breed now that i've got the dane bug?

so now i'm a little obsessed. they're all i've been thinking about since i left them. i went back this afternoon to get the number of the people she bought them from, and i'm going to visit that place as soon as they'll let me. so now i just want to be around great danes all the time. i keep forgetting to tell the lady from yesterday that, since i'm looking for in and every chance to be around them, i would love to help out with them whenever she needs.. but i'm going to tell the rescue place people.. i will be glad to volunteer my time.

so i'm completely back into dog obsession mode.. and i don't know exactly why i left the thought of animal care as a profession for so many years, but i'm back on it now.. i took some career aptitude tests at ucf recently and i was looking for higher scores in all of these more typical areas i've been considering.. but they were just lacking, and the few that weren't i still wasn't that enthusiastic about.. but animal care was like 97%. the next highest was in the 70s. and i sort of overlooked it at first..but now i'm thinking that was one of the most obvious clues in history. hello melo. because as much as i love movies and books, i've never felt all that determined to work in movies or writing.. but animals are completely different. i guess i've never considered it to be "work"..but you get paid for it, so it must be. so now i have to change my major to zoology or some such thing. it's funny how we come full circle, my first career objective was to be a vet, back when i was little.. well there you go.

axel,
so can we plan for tomorrow (monday) to watch eddie with jenn and possibly juan? gimpy wants to see you as well. i saw her last night for the first time since you me her and kristin went to citywalk. i didn't know michelle brown and holly were still together. go figure. you also need to come with me sometime before you leave to the fringe festival downtown, it's this collection of theatre groups putting on shows until sunday night. there's this one called fairy tales about gay life that looks cute. and a bunch of others. you'd appreciate it. there's nudity! live people standing nude in front of you! i still haven't experienced that. well while at the theatre anyway. have not heard from bruce. i may go "accidentally run into him" at dunkin donuts. call me whenever you read this.

lovemelo

cds that i want very much right now: the monsoon wedding soundtrack, the white stripes album (didn't so much like their first single, but love the new "fell in love with a girl" song), that beastie boys cd with the sardine can, the who's Tommy, jill scott, angie stone.

i love dogs

written 5/7/02:
i've had a maddening day - quick rise @10 and shower and dress and then dad on the phone for me for nearly 3 hours trying to get all the supplies for my new pet sitting job - which include an occupational license, an alpha/numeric pager, a precise shirt found mainly in eastern Zaire, a very good, detailed orlando map (the book kind, not the folding kind), a portfolio/day planner that has about 2000 capabilities, and a trip to [several] police departments to get finger printed, WHICH, by the way, i woke up very early for yesterday, only to have Miss Sanford PD tell me i need a finger print card (after i'd called and been told they would supply one) thus requiring me to visit the FBI in Maitland to get one and then make it to the ALTAMONTE PD by 3:30 to do it. And i did. And i met a lovely dog there. But then my car, which had been smelling like formaldihyde all afternoon, in the hot hot son, without air conditioning, leaving me to have visions of bizarre children putting class dissection project remains in my back seat some day while i was leaving the car with the windows rolled down, started making funny noises and getting too hot and at Panera became WAY too hot, so i called dad, he yelled at me (which is the appropriate thing to do in this situation), and i put water in the coolant thing, which immediately leaked out, and by the time i got to Pep Boys it was steaming, and this is where i am, whilst writing this. since 4. it's 7:30. dad didn't feel like coming down. whenever i get out of here (after finding out that everyone who appears on Elimidate is a complete moron), i have to get to a public library to get online and try to get another social security card, because i've apparently lost mine, and i need it for get a job. i've never needed it before, and an ID and social security number will not suffice. so that should take a while. and then i have to go to oveido mall to get this weird shirt that costs more than i have so i have to put money in my account very soon from some imaginary fairy godmother. as opposed to a real fairy godmother. occupational license at casselberry tag office that always has hour-long lines tomorrow morning. then work work work. what the hell.
and i still haven't called joe, so, technically, he could be dead.
i was caught several times thinking about him at work yesterday. i guess you can't help going over all the possibilities in your head. i was just washing dishes at home and i got locked on to just a normal day in the relationship between melody and joe - just the very smallest of things would be mindblowing at this point. like juan; he was scared of a jenn relationship because it's been so long since he's been in a relationship - well let's just say it's been 5 times as long for me. just to experience that kind of dynamic with someone..i can't imagine. i don't know why it's taken me so long. so this possibility feels like it's at the end of my fingertips, touching, not pressing. and it's a very strange mixture in my stomach of fear and excitement. i feel very embarrassed telling anyone this. you feel like a freak admitting something like that. and now, when i think about it, i don't think it was me or them. it was just life, and timing. maybe i shouldn't talk like it's over. it's most likely not over. but it would be nice.

12:28 that night:
well i'm home, i've just watched How Stella Got Her Groove Back, which was kind of dumb, but taye diggs is immaculately beautiful, so is angela bassett. black people age so well, their skin looks so flawless. sometimes i just want to touch them, like on the shoulder or the back. skin is so beautiful sometimes. i imagine i'd want to touch and explore every inch of a lover's body, just spend hours going over everything...the human body is so incredible, it's this organ, this living thing, yet it's just a shell, but it's so much of us. i love the people who talk about the body being the greatest instrument - and then i think of dance and how pure that is, and that Powerade commercial with all the people performing those spectacular physical acts - when it says in big letters "what is going on?" it's Shocking what our bodies are capable of doing. and so beautiful.
the car, as it turns out, may be very badly damaged. like the engine. which could cost more than the car is worth. so that could all be finished. and if so, all of this stress and hard work of the past week will have been useless, because i can not do this job without a car. and i sat today on my dad's bed, in the middle of all the insane effort, thinking "this better pay off", then thinking it probably wouldn't somehow, that that was suddenly creeping in as a sort of intuitive idea...but i wrote it off as me trying to make excuses to stop working so hard, because i'm so inherantly lazy and unconfident in starting big things like this. but now there's this. and i have other means for work, but all very low paying, and practically impossible to feasibly get another car with. dad's brakes suddenly went out today, too. and this all right when it seemed i would be able to hold onto my car a while longer while my mom struggles with her plans. "it gets worse before it gets better." finally, tonight i got a letter from UCF saying that my financial aid has been taken away because of insufficient number of hours completed. i haven't told dad. i don't know if i owe them money now or what. money that i don't have. i got maybe an F and a D in two classes, which was very unexpected, but maybe not final, i find out tomorrow, but if this is true, i lose the florida academic scholarship as well. now it seems suddenly plausible to have to drop out of school for lack of funding. and this all is in me now, very quietly. you stand still and the wind swirls around and all of this information doesn't quite sink in, but just lingers all around you. touching, not pressing.

later that night i read this in vonneget's cat's cradle, and loved it:
[an american ambassador's speech to the people of san lorenzo on the anniversary of their "100 martyrs for democracy"]
"i am about to do a very un-ambassadorial thing. i am about to tell you what i really feel. we are gathered here, friends, to honor the 100 martyrs for democracy, children dead, all dead, all murdered in war. it is customary on days like this to call such lost children men. i am unable to call them men for this simple reason: that in the same war in which the 100 martyrs for democracy died, my own son died. my sould insists that i mourn not a man but a child. i do not say that children at war do not die like men, if they have to die. to their everlasting honor and our everlasting shame they do die like men, thus making possible the manly jubilation of patriotic holidays. but they are murdered children all the same. and i propose to you that if we are to pay our sincere respects to the hundred lost children of san lorenzo, that we might best spend the day despising what killed them; which is to say, the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind. perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. that would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns. i do not mean to be ungrateful for the fine, martial show we are about to see - and a thrilling show it really will be... and hooray say i for thrilling shows. but if today is really in honor of a hundred children murdered in war, is today a day for a thrilling show? the answer is yes, on one condition: that we, the celebrants, are working consciously and tirelessly to reduce the stupidity and viciousness of ourselves and of all mankind. see what i have brought? [he holds up a wreath that says "pro patria", and then recites this poem]
'i was the first fruits of the battle of missionary ridge
when i felt the bullet enter my heart
i wished i had staid at home and gone to jail
for stealing the hogs of curl trenary
instead of running away andjoining the army
rather a thousand times the county jail
than to lie under this marble figure with wings
and this granite pedestal
bearing the words "pro patria"
what do they mean anyway?'
what do they mean anyway? they mean 'for one's country.' any country at all. this wreath i bring is a gift from the people of one country to the people of another. nevermind which countries. think of people... and children murdered in war... and any country at all. think of peace. think of brotherly love. think of plenty. think of what paradise this world would be if men were kind and wise. as stupid and vicious as men are, this is a lovely day. i, in my own heart and as a representative of the peace-loving people of the united states of america, pity the 100 martyrs for democracy for being dead on this find day."

5/8/02 2:46am:
the grades have been confirmed at A, D, F. no more financial aid. still don't know about the car [i now have my fixed car back but the whole situation is too sketchy for this pet sitting job so i've declined it, don't care about school right this second]. but all of this doesn't matter for a few minutes here because this evening found my previous situation's striking contrast. bruce. suddenly appears, as if from nowhere, outside with drew. i go join them, we talk talk talk. he looks very good. and by that, i mean exceptionally good. i'm feeling very well, i'm on a roll, conversation is going very well. drew then must leave. i prepare for bruce to say goodbye after brief movie talk, but instead he says "i'm starving, do you want to get something to eat?" i am stunned, but remain very cool and off we go. this is shocking. i'm in bruce's pimp black old lincoln that he paid $750 for. i'm riding in a car with bruce. who i've never had an actual conversation with before this day. this is quite a leap. so we eat at philly's and have wonderful easy conversation, about everything from movies to angelina to classy porn to what have you. now outside he says the unthinkable - "so what do you want to do now?" what? this kid still wants to hang out with me? am i dreaming? excuse me? well i wasn't dreaming, and he kept asking me where to next throughout the night. we went thru the mall and had fun looking at kitchenware, we wandered aimlessly in the car, with his new Hammer/Vanilla Ice and Beastie Boys - license to ill tapes i convinced him to buy, made a quick and kind of accidentally uneventful stop at blockbuster (i realized my VCR was broken) and went to the oveido bowling alley and played 3 games of pool. i beat him once. conversation stayed entertaining and effortless. for four hours. this has got to be one of the oddest experiences of my life. (was this to make up for 4 hours at pep boys?) so he took me home and we exchange numbers and i'm told he'll lose mine, so i have no idea when to call him, but i may see if he wants to go bowling tonight. i hope that's not too soon. does anyone realize the magnitude of this? this was otherworldly. i didn't really feel tremendously attracted to him as time passed, just incredibly comfortable. suddenly he's not just a piece of meat, he's a person kind of a thing. and we're so alike. (de ja vu?) and he's so goddamn attractive. but i didn't really pick up a flirtacious vibe from him, but i don't exactly have much to go from so i don't really know how to read him. drew just told me he's very selective about who he hangs out with. he was very surprised i'd spent 4 hours with him. so this is the new story. and if you'll compare these two days i've written about, you'll find that life is the strangest thing there is.

i love joe burusso. i know he was axel's bully way back when, but he's no bully now. i invited him to bonnie's birthday party last night and i am So Glad i did because he was my party buddy..we talked for hours. i love him. i forgot how great he was and how easy he was to talk to. he made math so bareable last year.. he goes to my school. he's going to be my new best friend. i love joe burusso. and he's kind of sexy, but i'm not going to jump to conclusions here. i had a great time..finally..at a party. these strangers were drinking but somehow it didn't bother me. they were older.. and there were animals. fish and lizards and turtles and a large cat named Ned (not Neederlander) who was tres friendly and a fabulous rottweiler named Roxy who was very rambunctious, but lovely. and the girl who's house it was's boyfriend reads good books so i got to talk to him about them.. he likes michael moore and ralph nader. call me an asshole, but i'm so surprised these people are bonnie's friends. and jeanette taught me how to play spades and we kicked everybody's ass all over the place. and i played in their drinking game with water, which was fun and not alienating. and i drove home at 4 and did not get run over by a drunken driver on cinco de mayo, however you spell that. so what a great time. finally.

i should probably call joe and make sure he got home alright. his headlights got farther and farther away from me, and i kind of started to miss him. i love joe.

axel,
i would start working sometime next week, after i train, which means shadowing ken, the head guy, on one of his rounds and learning how to do everything, including INSULIN SHOTS...woo..i'm gonna be practically a vet after this thing is over. which was my childhood dream. there you go.
growing up too fast.. um, well in terms of time and how we view it, i think we're all fucked - because no matter what, when you look back at a time in your life, it seems to have gone by fast, good or bad, and when you concentrate on the present it seems to be moving slowly. no matter what. so time technically moves just as fast all throughout our lives, but our perception of it will always be the same stupid mess of "oh my youth went by so fast and now things are so slow.." blah blah. i don't think i grew up too fast. unless i shouldn't be as grown up as i am now now. but i don't think that's so. at least i didn't go the typical route and lose my virginity when i was 13 and become a drug addicted alcoholic when i was 15 and all that.. that's growing up too fast, in my opinion. but maybe those people who go through that have it better than i do in a way..just because that ground has been covered and they've learned and recovered, hopefully.. um.. you need to come down here soon.

i've realized that the reason corvettes are so damn cool is because they look so much like the batmobile. "this is all true."

i had the most teenage night of my life last night.. playing phone tag with juan and jenn trying to find out their feelings for one another.. SO 8th grade. it was great. i can't hardly believe "juan and jenn". their names might be too much alike. it obviously wouldn't be a lasting thing.. and it may not be a thing at all, but it's so fun to think of the possibilities. this is all so funny.

i've just discovered the wonder of Krystal. i've now eaten there twice in one month.. and that'll be twice in my lifetime.. if you don't count the ones at the grocery store, which i've always loved, but didn't realize they were a fast food restaurant as well.. it's funny.. i want to know if they were started by a midget or something and that's why they're obsessed with little food.. you feel like a pig when you order because you're like "i'll have 300 cheese krystals". it's fun.

countdown to spiderman is now...5.5 hours... dun Dun DUN.

i had some deep things to say but i don't want to get into them now and i've forgotten some of them.. but they're interesting and i'll put them here later. tho it may take me forever to get to a computer again.. maybe not til monday. "we'll see".

l.m.

why is nothing posting right away as per usual? ...

ok so mom's trip was suddenly cancelled.. her lady she was going to stay with found out that she had lied about everything and cancelled. so i have the car a wee bit longer..hopefully the delay will prove to be much longer than expected, which seems to happen in these situations. maybe someone will convince her to stay.. i have no idea.

i have no idea what to say to drew's mom. she's been talking to us a lot, and it's terrible, and maybe more terrible than my situation because it's not as if you can sever ties with your child. that's a very different situation. i have no idea what to say. i don't think drew reads this, but if he does, i'm sorry.

but at least we all have spiderman. i'm seeing it tomorrow night with my brother, hurrah.

i've apparently got the petsitting job. this is very good news, it means lots of money, a lot of early rising, but that's ok. (dogs need letting out between 6 and 10 am..that's a bunch of dogs all over the city so i can't just let them all out at 9:45. so that will be unpleasant, at least at first..)