and as much as i try, i do want comments. comment on your blogs. i read them.

ok. a bunch of things: no more dedication to school, no more void of emotional whatever for alan, sickness swapped (figures), not nearly so much sadness about jonah's pretentiousness as a result of new glowing-eyed youths surrounding me with their gushing ( i am So Glad), ok i can see myself in gainesville, ok, no more school i can not take more school it is for people who are not like me it is not me ah, alright so i force myself into alienation during some great moments of togetherness, maybe to see who will come out with me? oh there's the walking behind everyone dream and relief when alan fell back with me.. is it often or not often alan? so many thoughts of alan it's ridiculous, they're swarming, - "crystal sleeping here? that is WRONG -" and stop. no hard feelings towards crystal, none at all ...where is this going? i like crystal very much. we're like crystal.. why is it so hard to talk to people? are the ones you can talk to easiest the best ones? it doesn't seem to reflect my feelings. so good so so very good to laugh hysterically with alan and crystal at eddie - Sharing. now to go forward with all the references and inside jokes and hope they remember and laugh. freedom! not quite. "goodnight, sweet prince" i just want to touch you, that's all. and kiss you some. can we just do that and not care? i want the michael/brian relationship with the close dancing and kissing and touching and reliability and comfort without any of that crutch stuff or hurt feelings or waiting for the magic fuck.. why is it that i can sit here wanting to do something and know that nothing is stopping me but be completely unable to move? it's not like it has to mean anything.. look, she's doing it.. i want to shed all of these character traits i've built for myself. i'm completely swimming in the ocean of gay rights.. i am involved. it is my movement.. that does not directly affect me. axel watch The Celluloid Closet - a documentary about the history of homosexuality in cinema - very wonderful and insightful.. everyone should watch it. so many interesting points. and i finally told my dad out of the blue "i need to start therapy" - forget that hard prideful side that doesn't want to be another one of those people who go to therapy, and i'm sure i'll return to that idea, but i need it anyway. right now, i need it. i have to make some sense and change some life and love some self and that can be the first step. i dread the first day when i have to somehow come up with an idea of myself to portray and then live up to every week.. try to find a way around that (note to self). i'm reading this sex and the city book and although i know it is not reality, a chapter today reminded me very much of reality and got me very afraid that i was in the "undatable" category, because so and so is how men think.. and i understand and i sympathize and am guilty myself - so now i may have to stop thinking about how to change the world and instead give up and change myself, even though.. even though.. self confidence does not come with a changed body. your mind is always the same. so therapy? but i want activity change anyway.. just to feel better.. just to have more things to do.. so i went swimming today and remembered how nice it was to lay wet in the sun and be relaxed and have music playing. a great day for that. warm and breezy. i realize now that all problems stemmed from that one thing.. and the power of it amazes and scares me.. because i know in my mind it is one of those unimportant things.. not only in the socio-political way, but in the zen way.. all physical will fade away and none of it will matter. and until then? well i guess that's the point. i dance around saying it, i know.. i just hope you pick up on it and silently understand and never bring it up to my face because that's how ashamed i am. when it gets right down to it. no bother when i see it with other people, just me. i even believe those others can find love. and don't worry, there are lots of times when it's not nearly as important as it is right now.. i do think of other things. and those other things are more important, just not in my mind sometimes. and also, i may get a pug. i've caved a little on small dogs. and they're small enough to be accepted in our place and tide me over until the days of gigantic dogs. tigers, too. i'd get a tiger. sure, why not? there's more, assume all you want, but it would just be verbose.

oh my gosh axel..

i've just finished the queer as folk first season. well i don't know what to do with myself now. i'm completely lost in their world. do you watch religiously or am i just talking wildly to someone who watches every now and then? did you see the last episode? that's got to be my favorite prom scene of all time. i finally placed michael.. he used to host talk soup. i remember liking him a lot. so axel you must find a way to get me tapes of the new season.. i can not wait for it to come out on video, that'll take a year. i may just get showtime at home.. though i don't want to have to pay even More for cable. i can't believe how they bleed us dry.. so i gathered from descriptions of the new episodes that justin is still alive.. but i'm dying to see how brian reacts when he wakes up. dammit axel. help me! ok i'll see you tomorrow.

lovemelo

so i've been watching these Queer as Folk tapes. i'm not all that impressed but i'm still a little hooked. it's like dawson's creek. with a hell of a lot more sex. and that, to my surprise, is one of my biggest problems with it. i wasn't exactly looking for gay porn when i rented it, i thought it would be a little more serious than that - and i like to think most of the gay community isn't so obsessed with sex, it feels like a stereotype - of course these are single men in their 20's. and it's kind of ridiculous that 90% of the shots of the lesbian couple involves them making out. "hmmmm", i say. and every sex scene with the resident playboy IS exactly like an intro to a gay porn.. a little silly. kind of hot, well he is kind of hot. ok i'll just talk to axel because i don't think you've seen this, alan - justin is annoying to me, and his little chick friend is retarded and i worry that that's the only real symbol of straight friends (except debbie) and this girl is all starry-eyed.. "i'm not a lesbian, but i'm a big fan!" he he! c'mon. so it could be done better.. but on the upside.. brian is terribly sexy, and michael is adorable and i love him.. and i love the dynamic between the main four guys (i'm always jealous of that close-knit-group-of-friends atmosphere).. and i'm very interested in how brian and michael will end up (i'm only thru episode 8 of the first season) - umm.. and i'm generally just really interested in brian. he has lovely layers. and he is lovely. so i guess we have a new show to talk about. : )

i'm listening to these two kids across from me, girl and boy, and the boy is kind of meandering around asking the girl to a movie by talking about all of the (very dumb) movies that are out - and it's really kind of cute. aw, he just got her phone number. i'm telling you, it's like watching animals on tv.

the squirrels at ucf are really comfortable around people (or too afraid to run?) and it's so adorable when you walk by at like 2 feet away from them. i want a squirrel. whenever i see animals, any animal (except for hyenas, the only animal i've never liked) i say "i want a ___" - i want an elephant.. a tiger.. a bat.. a snake.. a chameleon. but i've never said that about children. hm

lovemelo

the night before last i had a most amazing dream

i immediately labeled it "meeting my soulmate", but after more thought i wouldn't call it that.
i just tried to type this at a public library and surprise surprise it erased it again and here i am at ucf on a sunday because i need to relay this experience .. i hope it comes out the same. i was starting a new class at some imaginary school and the boy next to me and i started talking - as if there were no easier thing to do than to talk to one another - and our responses were just so and our subjects were just so and all was easy and natural and comfortable and i didn't appreciate it in the dream because in DREAM LAND i do not have all of this excess thought at all seconds of every waking moment clouding experiencing - so we got out of class and there was the feeling that he was supposed to go somewhere else but he stayed with me instead and we just walked around and had interesting conversations and experienced little strange things with other passing humans and had minute touchings in the casuallest of ways - like we'd known each other for ages.. like after a particularly scary running-into with a potential new french teacher where we were seperated for an insane videogame-type car ride, we got back together and i said i'd missed him and i took his hand and kissed it and we just kept walking and talking - no stress. that was really the only time that reminded me of a typical relationship, the i missed you part, everything else wasn't at all like we were in any way each other's crutch.. it was a friendship that was so new and natural that it would've become whatever else without even a talk about it, just because it's the natural progression of things - no talk of other people or future or sex or even a memory of physical appearances (!!) - just a dynamic between us that i've never experienced in my life and now is all i want. there was an immense sadness when i woke up and realized it was a dream and he was gone forever - i shouldn't say he, maybe i should say That. so it wasn't about soulmates.. who cares about all that.. i just want a carefree relationship, conversations that are easy and meaningful at the same time oh this is bullshit it's not coming out like last time.. shit. i can't explain. it was just so much better. it's as if all of my relationships with people are like me standing in front of a thousand people giving a speech (which for me with my fear of public speaking would be worse than any kind of torture you can think of) and this dream dynamic was like i had just finished and had run off to the back of the stage where one lone person asked how it was and as i talked to them i wasn't thinking at all how i looked to him or who he was or where our conversation was going.. no consciousness of everything that every little thing means, just talking - that's it. and such a relief at being shielded from all the eyes and judgements and pressures of all of those people. so who cares about sex. that indescribable dream state is all i want.
and it makes me think if i could just control my dreams and go back to him every night it wouldn't even matter that nothing was happening in waking life, because dreams are just as real as anything else i think - and the dreams would become the reality and the waking life would become the dreams that happen at random and don't necessarily mean anything - and everything in each part could be controlled.. imagine that.

oh god i can't describe how terrible it is to wake up to this from that.

lovemelo

it is as if..............

all people cease to exist when i'm dying to talk to someone. oo, ah, i say. it's interesting. last night i got into a frenzy for something to do to fill my remaining waking hours (because i seem to always need to be doing Something - and that's why tv plays such an important role in my life) - alan i forgive you but you must make it up to me by writing me back. i sat in class today thinking i'd get an email from you when i got out and then i got out and no email! so mend your ways.. mhm.

queer as folk, the first season, comes out on video today i Think, and i'm excited about a new (maybe very good) series to get to rent and fall in love with. i'm stopping by the second i leave here.

i have one class a day, four days a week, which means a lot of gas but also a more relaxed feeling. and they kind of escalate in time lengths.. an hour and fifteen minutes the first two days, then two hours and fifteen minutes the third, and finally two hours and Forty Five minutes the fourth.. so always long weekends. i really do like that about college.

i finished my book, and i have Catch-22 and Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 to continue (i started them and then like an asshole left them for other more interesting-at-the-time books) but it's very hard to do.. and i'd so much rather start the subterraneans, by kerouac, because i haven't read a kerouac in a year and they tend to make me feel very good about life. though bridget jones was hysterically funny at the end and got me all caught up in a girly way with happiness when she and mark darcy got together and sadness when they fought.. and it's really just like a tv series, with silly commonplace things like that happening, but it was enjoyable, and the last chapter nearly killed me i was laughing so hard - and it felt good to have a daily (nightly) routine of reading a chapter or two so as to finish in under a year (because so many books make me go crazy and procrastinate and then it takes months and months to finish) but here i was holding to my daily routine and i got it finished in under two weeks and it feels very good. and i feel like those women who sit in bed next to their husbands every night and they both read next to one another in silence for an hour or so and then go to bed.. and there's a comfort in that. see i want to break routines to make my life extraordinary, but when it comes right down to it they give me an immense comfort. what can you do?

currently singing to self over and over again throughout most days: "i am a man of constant sorrow" from O, Brother, Where Art Thou? - it's very catchy.
i believe i could very easily fall in love with george clooney despite his height.
and james dean for that matter. i have a very teen-angst connection with james.

i like the existence of an old obsession that kind of sticks around for years. ewan is that obsession. he's still around, and he still gives me butterflies. and he's going to be traveling the amazon i think on the travel channel next week, hurrah! black hawk down should be good too, though i fear it'll be a saving-private-ryan type and win the oscar just because of our current patrioticness. tsk tsk

axel, rent Before Night Falls. it's very good and directed by this genius who i forgot about, Julian Schnabel. it's tremendous.

i have been on Smashing Pumpkins high for like two weeks now. nonstop. haven't listened to anything but my best of otis redding cd one day that i picked up recently.. i like him very much.. and he has this great song that i think is performed in Ali during one of the live music scenes.. and it's one of those slow songs that have those moments of crying-out that the girls in the audience would scream to. i don't know what it's called.. but it renews your love of soul music. the smashing pumpkins have this wonderful wonderful song that sounds EXACTLY like denison marrs but with billy's voice called Stand Inside Your Love (i love that title) and you guys should download it.. it's emo.. it's space rock.. a little. it's great, i t f e e l s g o o d.

and tonight, tonight may be my favorite pumpkins song. and we're even talking about A Trip to the Moon in film and that's what the video is mimicking.. so that's fun. i love that huge sound, so many instruments, such a good feeling. go listen to it if you haven't heard it in a while.

lovemelo

axel, sleep together eh? literally or figuratively? either way very good, hm? don't worry about unnatural feelings.. they change. if drew forgets to tell you, open the big present from me first. the bag one second. and of course read the card in between. hope lots of fun comes from them. ; ) be sure to let me know what you think.

film professor yesterday was very neat.. very funny and smart and may be one of those "few great ones" you see in the movies, but not sure. may be too many german expressionist films at first.. but probably good in the long run.. thinking of other possible careers in the film industry - doing the music for movies.. hmm.. thoughts on that. still don't know how one starts Anything.
national gov't prof today was much less interesting but maybe she has some fire in her yet.. we get to debate things like death penalty so maybe could be fun (and there's very hot-headed little girl who likes to shoot her mouth off in sometimes unsmart (undecided here) ways.. maybe there is hope for her too, dunno dunno.. ) can you pinpoint the two movies that whole sentence sounds like?

alan, i'm very loving my smashing pumpkins cds.. the new stuff sometimes doesn't sound like them at all, but sometimes in a good way.. there's some that are EMO and that's interesting.. and some heavy rockin and others just really gorgeous and i love it all and am very happy that there is so much NEWNESS to enjoy for hopefully a long while. "rock on".

the first truly beautiful thing about ucf today: outdoor loud theological debates - drawing crowds of people.. kind of like watching animal planet.. very fun just to watch and maybe one day participate in.. this is finally feeling a bit like college.

lovemelo

lovemelo

alright let's try this again. i tried posting the other day and the damn oveido public library again erased it (mixture of anger at them and embarrassment that i didn't remember that). i don't have as much to say this time around. (famous last words)

it's my first day back at school and i have a class in 35 minutes and i have to leave in 20 minutes and it's a nice but kind of uncomfortable cold here today.. and my neck has spasmed or something worse than these past months of mild pain and now Really Hurts so i feel like frankenstein walking down the street here and not feeling cool and poised and whatever image i'd like to put off among these, my peers. i hate being around peers i guess. i know they don't care, but you feel like they do.. you feel like they're watching you and judging you. i'd like to become completely invisible except for maybe my eyes and just walk around in sunglasses and not worry what they thought of me but be glad that they're still aware i'm there so they wouldn't run into me. i'm wearing a cute outfit but i don't feel cute. i've taken on the persona of bridget jones without the feigned self-esteem. it'll come soon enough. when the neck pain goes away.

axel i have presents for you. and i'm sure you've gone home. and i'm sure alan and drew have gone home and i was going to give them to them to give to you and now you must wait for yeahs and yeahs. but congradulations on billy. is he kind as well as smart and intelligent? : ) i think the perfect equation might be kind, smart, attractive. and yes i know you don't even need that much, but if you have that.. isn't that all there is?

oh well funny is nice as well. kind smart attractive funny? oh i don't know.

but yes i want to meet billy.. and i'm very very happy for you because new relationships are so very fun and exciting. i understand the beauty of waking up next to someone.. but there's also this ideal dreamlike state of first holding their hand - and getting excited by something as simple as that.. that's bliss, isn't it? and look, that's even the word you used. ; )

AFI gave the "best film of 2001" award to the lord of the rings.. that makes me very happy.. i now think i want to see it again, this time with my dad and brother.. i think they'd really enjoy it. it's great when movies like that come out. i keep remembering it and smiling. and wanting to share it with more people. rarely does a PG-13 impress me quite so much. i hope they all realized what they really accomplished.

alan send me that blast-from-the-past conversation when you find it, send it to melo@usa.com.

i don't know when the next time i'll have access to AIM will be. so see you all here and there.

lovemelo