ok. a bunch of things: no more dedication to school, no more void of emotional whatever for alan, sickness swapped (figures), not nearly so much sadness about jonah's pretentiousness as a result of new glowing-eyed youths surrounding me with their gushing ( i am So Glad), ok i can see myself in gainesville, ok, no more school i can not take more school it is for people who are not like me it is not me ah, alright so i force myself into alienation during some great moments of togetherness, maybe to see who will come out with me? oh there's the walking behind everyone dream and relief when alan fell back with me.. is it often or not often alan? so many thoughts of alan it's ridiculous, they're swarming, - "crystal sleeping here? that is WRONG -" and stop. no hard feelings towards crystal, none at all ...where is this going? i like crystal very much. we're like crystal.. why is it so hard to talk to people? are the ones you can talk to easiest the best ones? it doesn't seem to reflect my feelings. so good so so very good to laugh hysterically with alan and crystal at eddie - Sharing. now to go forward with all the references and inside jokes and hope they remember and laugh. freedom! not quite. "goodnight, sweet prince" i just want to touch you, that's all. and kiss you some. can we just do that and not care? i want the michael/brian relationship with the close dancing and kissing and touching and reliability and comfort without any of that crutch stuff or hurt feelings or waiting for the magic fuck.. why is it that i can sit here wanting to do something and know that nothing is stopping me but be completely unable to move? it's not like it has to mean anything.. look, she's doing it.. i want to shed all of these character traits i've built for myself. i'm completely swimming in the ocean of gay rights.. i am involved. it is my movement.. that does not directly affect me. axel watch The Celluloid Closet - a documentary about the history of homosexuality in cinema - very wonderful and insightful.. everyone should watch it. so many interesting points. and i finally told my dad out of the blue "i need to start therapy" - forget that hard prideful side that doesn't want to be another one of those people who go to therapy, and i'm sure i'll return to that idea, but i need it anyway. right now, i need it. i have to make some sense and change some life and love some self and that can be the first step. i dread the first day when i have to somehow come up with an idea of myself to portray and then live up to every week.. try to find a way around that (note to self). i'm reading this sex and the city book and although i know it is not reality, a chapter today reminded me very much of reality and got me very afraid that i was in the "undatable" category, because so and so is how men think.. and i understand and i sympathize and am guilty myself - so now i may have to stop thinking about how to change the world and instead give up and change myself, even though.. even though.. self confidence does not come with a changed body. your mind is always the same. so therapy? but i want activity change anyway.. just to feel better.. just to have more things to do.. so i went swimming today and remembered how nice it was to lay wet in the sun and be relaxed and have music playing. a great day for that. warm and breezy. i realize now that all problems stemmed from that one thing.. and the power of it amazes and scares me.. because i know in my mind it is one of those unimportant things.. not only in the socio-political way, but in the zen way.. all physical will fade away and none of it will matter. and until then? well i guess that's the point. i dance around saying it, i know.. i just hope you pick up on it and silently understand and never bring it up to my face because that's how ashamed i am. when it gets right down to it. no bother when i see it with other people, just me. i even believe those others can find love. and don't worry, there are lots of times when it's not nearly as important as it is right now.. i do think of other things. and those other things are more important, just not in my mind sometimes. and also, i may get a pug. i've caved a little on small dogs. and they're small enough to be accepted in our place and tide me over until the days of gigantic dogs. tigers, too. i'd get a tiger. sure, why not? there's more, assume all you want, but it would just be verbose.