remembering thursday july 12th 2001:

Suicidal tendencies come easy. I blame them on mother. I call myself her. I sit at the table and watch with a blank stare at the people that find it so easy to smile and have a great time together and I get jealous and I feel alone and I just wish I could do that but then I think it’s because they know each other better than either of them knows me and i think, oh that should make me happy with it, but it doesn’t and I’m left to feel the outcast and I’m so very tired of being by myself because I’m so very bored with myself and I’m tired of pretention and I’m tired of big words and I’m tired of jenn even though there’s no real reason to be except for me, but for anyone else it’s just plain silly jealousy or just the sickening of looking in the fucking mirror all the time, but others don’t do it for me either. I’m am forever dissatisfied. If I were to write a book it would be called the narcissist. Sigur ros gets me there and brings me up and their ability to do both is !
astounding. But I’m in no mood for the up. There is a word for utter hopelessness and despair and pain and defeat and anger that describes what I want to say in front of this sentence that I always say “I’m just like mom”. I’ve completely earned all of it. I meant to say something besides earned but I thought earned first so maybe it’s meant to be. I’m so very tired. Things like showers become a chore.. small talk.. little things no person should be afraid to do.. I’m so very tired. Help help help I have no one. I thought I could go up to bryce with this wonderful gut wrenching speech and be completely honest and just give him my number and leave, but but… I could never. Or that thought is paralyzing me. Ya I’m so tired of alan. I have used himup. Sorry alan. He deserves so much better. They all do. I’d feel bad for them if I could just stop feeling bad for myself….. I am her. I don’t want someone to fix me.. I’ll have nothing. I want a fresh ear.. I !
want to feel like I’m not becoming a burdon on someonei want the feeling that I’m not wearing someone else out.ineed that someone help help helllpem television: they make me feel guilty what!? I’m not gung ho about going out so I am lazy? A bad person? I am the scum of the earth? Sure. Tv makes me stop thinking.. andmovies.. I think but I’m not lost in MY thought which oculd easily kill me.. I jump to the end of every sentence because I know how they all end and they’re never good and I can’t figureout how to change that.. inevitability hellphellllllllpppppp. Oh jesus. Books can’t do it anymore. I completely stop paying attention and think instead.. all the while reading the fucking words. No comprehension. I then feel bad because vonnegut deserves better.. I can’t help him.. I am never a good fan, never was. Help. I’m thinking that maybe…. Maybe I’ll just die.. no that never happpens, maybe I’ll take the year off.. no that never happens. Let’s le!
t MORE people down. YEAH! The stomach hurts so I think about thaat…. I thought physical pain wouldn’t’ be as bad but then off I ran from it.. well it’s not that it was worse, just something I could consciously stop. Yea….. jonah always spells “cuz” “cos” and I thought it was so cute and endearing but I could never bring myself to do it (self loathing) I think I’m getting the fear…. I miss jude.. all I want is jude.. his face, his voice, his lips, his eyes.. the hair.. the slender grace.. of jude. I can’t help it.. my breath catches.. it’ll never happen in reallife and I’m making myself cry because theree is the most abundant supply of self pity in me as there ever was in any human.. sigur ros is lifting up. Ami too to lift up? Is it that simple? It always has been.. what then? The length of this is comforting.. I can’t help but say comforting . oh here’s my escape.. number 7. Diving thru water and swimming forever until I happily fade away.. or sit and ask the blu!
e mother for 1000 years to make me a real boy… oh there’s such saddness. I can’t help it (you CAN) I need to change EVERYTHING and it takes so much work and I’m so LAZY and I can’t stop digging I can’t stop digging I CAN and I won’t or something I have no idea I just want to fix this.. I just want things as I know them to change.. any change will do, give me something to talk about. Love would do. Where is love? Love is everywhere but inside me.. and I think that feeling is love, and maybe the jude obsession is love.. and maybe the smile at the horses and the hills and the music and the sky and the air is love, oh MAYBE THAT IS LOVE and I’ve forgotten to call it love but there must be REAL LIVE PEOPLE love in me somewhere that I’m just not seeing.. oh how I’d die for real live people love.. help to own COOK BOOKS. To talk about inane things and just not care about all the things I care about now because I am doiong no good by caring I am only hurtin gmyself and I !
amapparently paralyzed from the top of the head down in dooing ANYTHING about anything I care about ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; what do I care? Sometimes I don’t, but I fear these times are my most real and I can’t I can’t fix this even though I could really use a fix.. I could really use some love. I could really use some lasting joy. I culd really use a month without fear or depression or weakness.. I could really use a lot of these things. I don’t see life ending by me and I don’t see it going on by nature.. I don’t see anything.. and I’m scared to death. And I just wish I could sleep forever and ever and never care again.

that's as real as i get. i can't apologize for the darkness in these past few posts. just the way it is. don't read if it gets you down.
but as there are always brighter sides - i just watched Home for the Holidays again, and it's one of my alltime favorites, directed by jodie foster, with wonderful holly hunter and robert downey jr and geraldine chaplin - and it makes me very very happy and warm feeling. see it as soon as you can.

lovemelo