well lessee, it was a blistery 30/45ish today.. with wind chill.. "gusting winds".. i saw my breath tonight for the first time in over a year. tonight was the annual mom-family get-together.. only at a different house now because two members went and died and the other place had too many memories. so here was this gathering of all of these people i never see and i felt more a part of them this time.. not so much "one of the kids" as much as one of the kid/adults that i always wanted to be a part of. it's funny, the heirarchies in families. the little ones were adorable and the big ones were a mix of fun and cool and too-grown up and realistic with babies and sore backs and swelled stomachs from having babies and look here at the newlywed couple who already look distant and ready for divorce. it's a scary world. my anti-kids/marriage views were reinforced over and over tonight.. though the kids thing gets iffy every now and then. they're cute every few thousand minutes, you know? little boys are so much better than little girls. i don't care what anyone says.
the flight up here was hell and hell some more.. a quick rundown:
forget cell phone
have to pack up mom hospital room quickly in crazy 85 degree heat because she's so cold
late for plane??
take wrong route to airport
no cell phone
wait, cell phone, call dad, oh dear, longest route imaginable
late for plane????
finally airport, now i'm the only healthy strong one so i must lug around all 8 pieces of luggage to three different places
here and here and here and here... oh then please lug them all over here ma'am so we can search them, thank you and have a nice day
fuck you
fine, thanks very much
melody's underwear all over the table... handfulls and handfulls of underwear
sweat
seedy eyes the searcher had.. what could he have been thinking
it's a good thing i didn't have a vibrator
no water. more sweat.. LATE FOR PLANE!?
finally done, take 80 pieces of carry-on and mom in wheelchair and run and run and wait in security line and search carry-on and get scanned for a few minutes (LATE FOR PLANE??)
search grandmother.. insulin, oh my! yes she's diabetic goddamn you
run to shuttle.. miss shuttle by a few seconds. OF COURSE
just enough time to get boarding pass and help mom go to the bathroom and HELLO start my period in the middle of all of this
flight: isle with CRYING BABY
crawling-around-kid
trash and poopy diapers and apple juice and me facing the wrong direction in the front so unable to overt eyes and lean back.. mom trying to talk to me endlessly when i JUST WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC
st.louis airport: lunch, i drop my sandwich all over floor. start mild cold. rush rush rush

and i think that's all one needs in one lifetime. and then once in tulsa everything was magically better.. mother/grandmother didn't bother me nearly as much.. new surroundings.. not so much them invading my terrority. (though fucking dad and jordan left town in the uhaul with the cat having escaped.. neighbors still haven't found him.. i fear he's gone foreverr.. i hated them for a good few hours.. such inconsiderate bastards.. later i had a dream that they took him to a vet and put him down and i sobbed hysterically in the dream. who needs this?)

ummmmm...and so everything was great for the first few days, the nice little 99 toyota avalon is mine to drive wherever and drives GREAT and that's wonderful... and then i go to our great pizza place down here with dad and jordan once they get in town and dad does an asshole thing and my mind goes nuts about what all else he does and never apologizes for and how jordan goes along with it every time and here is this utter downward spiral (and yes i kept thinking what a female i was being - it's even harder to be in a pit of shit and hate who you are in that pit) and there was no conversation and it was excrutiating and i kept looking at the door (Run Free) i had the keys.. no.. retreat to bathroom.. shit i was in that goddamn hole i get into.. and i can't see any other solution than that i have a mood disorder (i am turning into my mother more and more everyday and it scares the shit out of me and i can't do anything about it because it feels so natural) stilll haven't talked to dad much.. in a daze i drove home and screamed for something to do other than go back to the apartment.. i stopped at a gas station to get a paper, glimpsed the clerk from the window and although ugly i had this dry depressed thought of just fucking him in a storage closet or something to get away from this feeling.. what that kind of life would be like. and i go home and have a ridiculously sexual dream about alan.. watching dawson's creek and joey and dawson making out turn into me and alan making out (and so much more, jesus) and i'm not phased by these things at all anymore because they seem to happen so often. but i still wake up feeling all strange and thinking about axel's blog commentary and how simple it was.. but it's just so much more than that.. i don't know.. maybe this is obvious to everyone else in the viewing audience but things that should be there aren't there, so what can you do? and i wake up and write about it and the previous night and there is this nonstop period of hours of insanity and depression and none is showed to these people but i just can't stop running over and over this shit that i can't seem to escape from and write things like this:

"How unhappy can one person feasibly be before they just die?

These and other questions fall into the “never ask a person you don’t want to upset” category.

James Dean and Bridget Jones.

Cry and Laugh.

“Is that all there is?”

every moment today was maddening and I don’t think I’m going to end up alright. I see no way out. I see nothing happy in the future. I want to call alan. I want to die and take drugs and forget and have a lobotomy. Where is the muffin man? How far do I have to go into this desert? Where is at least an oasis?

I Keep Breaking Into Song when I’m not even happy and they are all sleeping now and I need to leave or WHAT!? I don’t know. Probably nothing.

There is a possibility that I am in some way schizophrenic. I talk to myself incessantly. I don’t know if that counts as voices or not. I somehow think all my thoughts of how normal most of my unhappinesses are will end up being totally abnormal. And one day someone will say “how did you live like that!?” and I will shake my head and say I didn’t. where is suicide when you need it? Why does it seem like such a distant but distinct option? Why can you be so close to someone yet so far away from them? Yes this is me standing here next to you but I am not at all here.. look at my eyes, not into them, you can only look At the eyes of someone who’s not there. You do not look into dolls’ eyes.

Oh dear. Everything’s changed and will again."

and then a few hours later it's all gone and that place i was when i wrote that where i couldn't imagine how anything in life could ever get better without then getting much worse turned into just kind of fluttery nothingness.. reading buddyhead and friend's blogs and talking to friends brings me back a little.. at least from my head.. i want a coma in a pill.. certain pills for certain lengths.

guys. i'm in trouble. no i'm serious. this is all bullshit. i'm just typing. i'm seriously in trouble. something has to change or one of these moods will hit at an opertune time and i'll say goodbye to everything and i'm fucking serious this is a possibility and i can't think of how to fix it.

for a moment tonight after i dropped my brother off i thought for the first time how i truly loved him to death and if i should die he'd be the one i'd really really really really not want to hurt.. so that's motivation enough. ok.. vanilla sky was very very great and made me completely forget about life for over two hours. very very great. cameron crowe is a genius.

if it wasn't so easy to Give Up.. things would be different. but it is. and i'm naturally lazy. and it's not like i have no happiness. there's a lot of happiness. moods just take over some time and i can't think outside them at all. and a person who goes to therapy and takes pills and goes to work and goes to school and lives and lives and dies is not ther person i want to be.

see the craziness that i run into in oklahoma? well tomorrow jordan and i get to take a mini road trip to a cousin's house to ride horses and have a good ole time. so there is always that.
do not take good moods for granted. or normalcy.

lovemelo