my head is a little swimming with "eye or mouth" thoughts that i've kind of already expressed so i'm at a loss for anything of meaning.. so i retreat to things like

i really like jimmy eat world. they're darling. i downloaded all of bleed american and songs like sweetness are really quite happy.

and

i'm very excited about Ocean's 11. take out the funny/cool/fun storyline and brad and george and matt and don and bernie and casey and julia and andy and strip it as bare as it can possibly be and i'd STILL be very excited because who's it directed by?

Steven Soderbergh, that's who.

and am i ready to tie him with kubrick? oh i don't know.. that's daunting.. kubrick is (wide eyes) but steven is.. well he's a kind of shake-your-head-and-smile type of filmmaker.. well-wasn't-that-fantastic type guy. and since he knows how to make a supremely sexy scene i added him to my list of "quite possibly wonderful lovers". which earns him points. and he gave a wonderful and moving acceptance speech for his oscar last year.. "CREATE." tears in eyes. really.

i've found that i want to be just about anything happy people on tv and movies are, occupation-wise. so i figure i should give up on knowing for sure and admit that i don't know what the hell i want to do. and admit that the only thing is to be happy. and that adding things to your life can't be the only way to get there. and self-help variety can't be the only other option.

"if i find love, then i'll be happy." yes but what til then? and what afterwards? life can not all be about that.
"if i find a job that's enriching and rewarding and entertaining and i finally feel like i'm accomplishing something and contributing something to the world and maybe helping people, then i'll be happy." that feels like years away. and you can't have that with no one to come home to, it'll mean less and less.
and how can we say happiness comes when you have both? an income that you're happy with, a person that you're happy with, a job that you're happy with, a mind that you're happy with, a family that you're happy with. well i doubt the existence of all of those things at the same time. so i suppose we never get to be happy in that "complete" sense. and maybe it's better that way, because there's only downhill to go from somewhere like that. it's like heaven - heaven that i've stopped believing in. which i might need to reconsider, because there's a lot of possibilities for what heaven is. i don't think i want to grow old. and i don't want to get married. and i don't want to have kids. and i don't need a nice home, only to live in an interesting place. i had the thought today driving that i could be very happy as that fun aunt type. my brother will be all normal and married with children and i'll visit them sometimes, though not often because i'll be that aunt in that far away, glamorous place the kids dream of visiting, and i'll spoil them when i see them and dress different and paint and have some boyfriends a very long time and others a very short time and send the kids fantastic presents that they could've never predicted.. hey that makes me very happy. and when they run away they'll stay with me and i'll teach them all kinds of fantastic things. ok.. maybe that's a future to look forward to.

i mostly get scared because i can't see myself far into the future.. it's all black.. so that makes me think i won't last that long. but maybe my insight just isn't that tuned yet.

lovemelo