i get to see cat power tonight with jenn whom i haven't seen in yeahs and yeahs. i finally bought a cat power cd last night while driving around all over town looking for a movie that apparently doesn't exist because stardust doesn't even have it - but i had such a craving for comedy and this one looked especially funny (it's called St. Ives - don't bother looking for it, again, it doesn't exist) because it's a period piece comedy.. i think early 1800s.. and the duels are hilarious and the courting is hilarious and everything.. at least according to the trailer i saw before some other movie i'd rented. there is apparently a st. ives from 1976 with charles bronson that is found in the ACTION section but it is not at all what i was looking for. so i settled on what i thought would be a steamy homoerotic turkish film called.. Steam and a romanticish comedy i'd been eying for a while called I love you, Don't touch me. Steam was horrible and boring and i fast forwarded thru it to get to the good parts, which there were none really. i'm confused. well after watching bedrooms and hallways for about the fourth time on hbo i'm getting to love stories about gay men.. so i want some more. because it's apparently like straight men and lesbians. mhm. hot stuff.

i tried posting something the other day at a local library and it promptly erased it so i'm at the ucf library before film class, the last class til next week, where i hope i'll finally get to see You Can Count On Me again, and i wanted to say this whole thing about Waking Life and how profoundly affecting it was.. but in that erased piece i wrote i had forgotten again to write about this bizarre habit i have of feeling out-of-body as bonnie once complained of being stricken with in our freshman year. i kind of like it though. it's a realization while something is going on that you are actually participating in that something... it's hard to explain. like when i pet my cat i don't think "i'm petting my pet cat, shadow", i'm just petting shadow, who i hardly notice is a cat because he's been around me so long and i feel like i know him and he has a personality. which of couse he does. this is the same for all animals i have for a while, though, this is not the best example. the best example was the night i met Eli. Eli is a thousand foot tall skinny 22-year-old black guy that bonnie introduced me to. we were getting along Smashingly (i feel incredibly british lately) and getting to know one another in a slightly flirtacious way.. it was very strange. that feeling of fnally meeting a very new and different person when i hadn't in so long and being strangely connected with that person right away, like you see on tv.. we had kind of paired off at Kobe's and then when we all went back to his apartment he and i went out the back porch and sat across from each other in lawn chairs and he told me his life story. and it was shocking - lots of drugs and jail and sex and murder and insanity (not all by him) - and i just sat there wide-eyed for most of it and i kept seperating myself from the moment and realizing i was really talking to eli here on this porch at like 4 in the morning and there is a different way you see things when you're just in the moment and when you're realizing you're in the moment. i wasn't not paying attention.. i was just overly aware of what was happening. i'm not sure if it was just because it was that time of night or what. no i guess not because i've done it lots of other times. i don't know. try it sometime. i'm not sure if it's normal. but take yourself out of some something that you're doing or watching or experiencing and realize for a second what you're really doing. this probably sounds like bullshit. how do you convey feelings with words?

it's as if we're asleep most of our waking life and we're just doing things and we're not really aware we're doing them on any kind of real level.

i miss...
bus rides

lovemelo