i'm singin in the rain, just singin in the rain, what a glorious feeling, i'm happy again...

how many times have i stood in the rain and sang that song? countless times. and it never fails to make me feel good. and maybe i was hysterical, but it did it for me again today, standing outside florida hospital waiting for the valet guys to bring my dad's car that's no more than a hundred yards away that i feel i should be walking towards instead of waiting for..

what a fucked up day. i study study study for a sociology exam i was supposed to take today and then dad calls me and says mom "tried to do harm to herself again" this morning and was found curled up in the backseat of a car in the driveway of previous boyfriend, dwayne deville (interesting name, hm?) and she's at florida hospital "in critical condition" and i say "well i have an exam, i have to go to class" (see i've been through all this before) but he says that it's worse this time, that she may be dying or may have already died. and then that tired sigh. here we go again.

well i guess this time was a little different. she left notes for several people, she's never done that before. she didn't make some theatrical display beforehand to allude to the fact that she was about to do something. and now she actually is in critical condition at florida hospital.. tubes in her and everything, in a coma. well then. so we finally get up there and for once all eyes and attention is on me because i seem to be the next of kin (along with her mother?) and i can't stop thinking how fucked up this is, yeah i've always wanted attention but when i finally get it it's like this?! "sign these papers, we'll do more tests, she's just hanging on, we don't know which way she'll go at this point". ok. first i think i'm making the life or death decision and i'm out of my fucking head because these people are standing around me waiting for answers and here's my family and my heart says let her die and am i going to sound like a fucking monster to these people? i kept thinking i should ask to talk to whoever alone but i never got the words out. dad still talks for me, ha. well it isn't the life or death decision, it's just more tests, more tubes. whatever.. they're talking to my grandmother on the phone and let me talk to her and she's all crying saying she doesn't know what to do and debi wasn't in her right mind (but she never is) and she doesn't want to be a vegetable and we've got to do anything we can to save her. jesus fucking christ. my mother is a fucking moron. pills again. always pills. she's failed so many times this way and she still doesn't learn. shoot yourself in the head, jump off a building, hang yourself.. something that works almost every time! christ! now it's happening all over again and as fucking frightening it is to have her strangely the closest to death than she's ever been.. the worst possible outcome here would be if she recovered and walked out of there and back into our lives so we could start the ride all over again. i don't think i can start the ride all over again. she needs to go. it's better for her, it's better for us, it's better for the world. she wanted to die, she's going to continue to want to die, she'll try it again and again until it finally happens, it might as well happen now.

i can't imagine how vicious this sounds. and my dad, the ever-positive when it comes to the grand scheme says life is always the best choice, but i'm sorry, i'm not sure anyone in the world understands my mother like i do, but she will never get better, she will never be happy, i have lost all hope. and for me that takes a lot.

it was very disturbing seeing her lying on that bed. it feels like she's already gone but she's just lingering over to torture a little more.. like "i'm pretty much gone, but not completely dead, so you'll have to feel like shit a little longer until you finally get word that i've died when you'll REALLY feel like shit and then it'll haunt you for the rest of your life." well joy.

my god, these eyes of these doctors and nurses all standing there looking at me waiting for me to decide to sign and i just look at all them and laugh for a second and i think the doctor thought i was cracking up and said "you're overwhelmed.." and i suppose that was it. of course i thought the life of a person was in my hands, and it still might be. and that's completely fucked up. and wouldn't it just work out that way. so i got a bunch of bullshit in my ear and then i asked jordan, and poor jordan, so solemn, calmly said we should help her because if we can do anything, we pretty much should, or whatever words he used, it was so innocent.. so i agreed and i kept saying to myself "fine fine, yes i will not be responsible for the death of my mother. that will not happen." but maybe it will, fuck if i know. (well here's more of my life paralleling to dawson's creek, axel). so here's the guilt that's going to come back. and maybe it was my destiny to have it.. because i rarely feel badly about my actions.. i always make up excuses for myself.. and this might be the one big end all be all event where everyone tries to talk me out of the guilt but i feel it forever anyway.. and i'm just predicting, none of this has happened.. but i know her family would always blame me. these silly stupid people with their silly stupid hopes. they have no idea. alright i'm exhausted. i can't believe it finally might be happening.. i'd kind of given up on it, since it never seemed to work.. maybe she's finally done it. i'll tell you if she dies. CHRIST THAT SOUNDS SO COLD and i can't explain this, it kind of is, but there is so much more, it fucking hurts but i can't do anything here i mean.. i am not a monster. please believe me. there are so many good intentions.. it's so fucking hard ok i can't talk about this anymore