wow suddenly i have a lot to say and i'm going to forget down the line so i'm giong to make a quick note:

(vincent/obsessions, guilt, journalphobia, too much tv)

ok.. which one do you want first? well the polls are telling me "too much tv".

i watched way too much tv tonight. and really every night. all the time. and i had this vision of a camera angle that started on the side of the tv, behind it, looking at the set itself, (at night, all lights off except tv) and slowly moving to the right to see the blueish light coming out of it and filling the little room and bouncing off the moisture in someone's eyes sitting on a couch. and that's me right there. and it'll be some good show, something funny, something entertaining, let's take newsradio. good show, good art, good writing/acting. good stuff. but still look at me.. lost to the world and being amused by these flashing colors coming from this box in my living room. nothing better to do. well of course better to do.. just won't. i don't see an end to this.
hey there is a middle ground between being a slave to money and throwing it out alltogether, i've decided after a moment to think about it. (hope to get there)

v i n c e n t

i love just saying his name. letting it roll off my tongue.. slowly. letting that "cent" hiss. and i did the same thing with the first names of all of the others. before this one i was saying, very slowly, like lisa bonet in high fidelity "james" for mr. dean. and before that i would constantly sing "hey jude", but just that first line, whenever i'd think about mr. law - well or i'd just kind of whisper "beauty". and before that i'd roll the "r" in "robert" and say it very quickly when i saw mr. downey. and before that just a sultry, spanish "benicio".

so have these made up for my lack of actual real life relationships? well not made up for them, certainly, but replaced them. and this is probably the reason i haven't freaked out and jumped on whatever guy comes along. i wasn't actually dating anyone, but in my head i was entertained plenty. and in all reality when i look back on them they feel like relationships. relationships that all ended amicably and maybe didn't end at all (it's not like i left any of them completely) but instead got put aside for a while as i indulged in a new one. this may be the american dream. hm. am i destined for polygamy? i've seen it on "real sex", i understand how it could work. right now it seems a little too hokey, though.. i have yet to fall into Zen and all that. ha. if i ever find a guy will these obsessions stop or have to stop? right now it feels completely like a new relationship when a new one begins.. and it's very nice. i'm very excited about them and attracted to them. i look forward to all the pictures i get to look at and movies i get to rent. hmmm. i'm crazy then, i guess. i'm a disturbed, sexually frustrated little girl. gee

i made christmas cookies tonight without it being christmas. though you can smell cold air outside. yumm

i sit around and think about this thing (the blog) sometimes and get really frustrated (tho not sexually this time) about how it has a tendency to go nowhere and really just placate all of these silly teenage grievances without going *too deep* which is where all of the actual interesting stuff lies, but see i can't bring myself to share that with people. so what the hell am i still doing here? well i get bored a lot. and i have journalphobia. the pen and paper kind. it sits there next to my bed like a little child that's ready to latch onto you forever if you ever pick it up and look, i do NOT want children right now. ok that was pathetic.. this is a useless topic. hey let's battle over the "if a tree falls in the forest..." question with a deaf person. yeah!

jesus i had no idea kristin and gimpy were dating. that's insane. nobody ever tells me anything. (a single tear)

hey these christmas cookies are mighty good. you make them like you'd make rice crispie treats, only with cornflakes, and put some green food coloring in the marshmellow creme/butter mixture and add the cornflakes and make little wreath formations and then put red hots on them however you like and TA-DAH, you have my grandmother's holiday cookies. rock n roll.


suicide can be caused by one of three states of mind, i've come to understand:

despair
indifference
happiness

now despair is obviously the worst time to kill yourself. that's no way to go. that's a horrible emotion to take to the grave. that would seem to get you off on a bad start in wherever you go after you die.
indifference may be a rather good idea. it's rational. it's thought-out. it's perfectly sane. it works. i have a tendency to side with the indifferent here.
happiness is a tricky one.. not many people feel like committing suicide when they're incredibly happy. there seems like an ever-lasting bounty of joy just over the rainbow. well that's certainly not true and you could call that state of mind the closest to insanity. but who cares, right? it feels good. so we're basically insured, if we are thinking people, that the happiness will end and somewhere down the line things will get shitty again. so why not kill ourselves in a moment of utter happiness? "shoot me, i'm happy!" here's the catch-22: it's the best idea but the hardest to do. whatever.

i'm going to say indifference is probably my favorite though. you're tired of the whole swing of emotions between happiness and despair and you're sick of the motions and you don't feel like playing the game anymore. oh there's a good analogy: dodge ball. despair-suicide is getting hit in the face with the ball and falling down and crying like a baby. happiness-suicide is pegging 10 kids you hate in the face and watching them fall down and cry like a baby and then just walking out victorious even though the game isn't over. quitting while you're ahead. indifference-suicide is standing in the back and watching all the silly people throw their silly balls and thinking "ok this is retarded" and walking out of gym. and that's literally something i've wanted to do on many an occassion in absurd p.e.

so maybe i've become a proponent for suicide. don't freak out about it and try to get everyone help. listen to what they have to say, be honest with them, and allow things to go their natural course. if you've got nothing to live for and you want to die then it's probably a good thing. if you're really happy and you want me to shoot you then i might just do it because i think that's mighty smart of you. if you don't give a shit about this merry-go-round anymore i might just jump off with you. hell. why not? blah and i better not get any panicked phone calls asking if i'm alright. ha. give me a break.

guilt: another time.

lovemelo