alright i'm going to rant about my interesting weekend

friday i had dinner at niko's new house with her mom and her mom's boyfriend and noticed how doomed to failure their relationship was because he was seemingly normal and she was kind of crazy and annoying. it bothers me that i can't express this to poor niko, but she and her mother are incredibly close and i have a definite feeling it would upset her or make her resent me in some unfair way.. i need to stop talking like this, i rarely think like this. i hate sounding intellectual on this thing.. i want to write like i FEEL not how i think.. or maybe, i don't know, develop a style. do i have a style already that i'm not aware of or don't like so am ignoring? this reminds me of bridget jones' diary, which is incredibly funny, but much smarter and funnier than anything i could say.. i really really enjoyed it. i took marianna's comment about it making her laugh outloud several times and rented it and my mother and i had a good 2 hours of not thinking about why we hate each other. hurray.

saturday i saw k-pax with dad and jordan and don't know exactly how to feel about it because the end was kind of like "..ok." and yknow i judge movies by how they make me feel afterwards and afterwards i was just kind of like "..ok." so. ok

THEN.. then i had to have my dad drop me off at sapphire for jonah's show and my stomach was in knots, i was soo so very nervous and i couldn't figure out if it was because i was seeing jonah, jessica, bryce or just showing up at sapphire for the first time by myself (and in my father's car, no less.. i made him drop me off on a side street, they made fun of me, but i can't help it). and i feel that nervousness now a little just thinking about it.. it's definitely bodily... weird.

so i got there and stood in a very long line of punkish/rockish/emoish/indyish kids that all really look and act the same and that make me very self-conscious and fat-feeling because they're all so lovely and skinny and as much as i don't want to be like them, their majority over my minority is very uncomfortable. threatening even! i have these dillusions that they make fun of me behind my back.. i'm paranoid, yes. so i looked everywhere for about 20 minutes for any sign of jessica or jonah and no sign of either.. and i had kind of let go of the profound hope that bryce be there because, again, he hasn't been there the last two sapphire shows = sign and all that mumbo jumbo. so... oh but then i'm looking ahead and a kid who looks like him suddenly walks by me in the direction i'm looking ... hmm.. his calves look bigger.. could this be him? he's wearing goofy white tennis shoes and white scrunched down socks.. could this be him? he suddenly has a huge tattoo on the back of his neck that looks like his back hair exploded.. lol.. could this be him? i watch him walk down and he turns and *gulp* it is him. suddenly all of these silly physical things i was finding on him disappear and i can see his face again and it's been a fucking year or more and i try to recover very quickly because again, these kids and their eyes, and my mouth hanging open a little in a gaze is probably not becoming.. so i just watch him walk in and out and around and there's this moment straight out of a movie where he had walked off past the doors, down the street, and then after a little while, he came back and i could only see his head moving in slow-motion through the other heads off in the distant towards me. surreal.

so i get inside and find jessica and hug and have little moments of reunion talking and force myself to look for jonah as much as bryce because, afterall, jonah's more important. isn't he? well.. so i can't find jonah anywhere. and for some time it goes on like this. but i can see bryce everywhere. and it's constant like that. and it's very nice but i also feel guilty because i'm not exactly paying attention to jess or the first band that we're on the floor bobbing our heads to. i'm jerking my head around looking for bryce. and seeing him about every fourth minute. well then. (this of course reminds me of the last or second to last vonnegut book i read where a main religion was Jesus Christ the Kidnapped where all members believed jesus had come back but had been kidnapped so it was their duty to jerk their heads around and look for jesus at any waking moment. hilarious)

so.

i finally find jonah and just kind of watch him walk around in a hurry because well his bandmates have been ready for some time and i got the impression that he was late and no one could find him. so he's running around getting ready and i'm just smiling looking at him (the last time he came down was spring of last year) and his hairs a little longer and messier and he seems shorter, maybe because i'm taller, and he doesn't seem older, maybe because i'm older.. and i'm just smiling. and then they start and the first song blows me away. it's so beautiful and rockin and .. i don't know, sigh-inducing. and i imagine saying "it all must be downhill from there". well not really, the others are wonderful, and a few (half actually) are just old onelinedrawing songs (his previous acoustic outfit) make into rock songs so i got to sing along and it was lovely.. and i made a point never to take my eyes off him to look for bryce, and i didn't. there was this great harder song they did called hostage about a previous love leaving him and before it he had maybe a too-personal moment where he said every girl leaves him so he's a scaredy-cat (i don't know if the audience understood) and it has this great line in the chorus with this great music that i'm now addicted to "'back off, or someone'll die', you never run away, 'back off, or someone'll die', oh to be you".. it's really just great with the music, not by itself.. so i'm singing it now and probably all day.

oh boy i'm at school and i only have about fifteen minutes until i must skeedaddle.

so the show was amazing and i bought the cd and single and stickers and a shirt that says in german "i never want to say my best days are behind me" and in english "new end original" (the band's name) and i'm wearing it now and not feeling like a nazi. and we finally got past all the people and spoke to jonah and he gave jessica a huge hug and said hello to me and remembered my name, which was nice, but i figured out how close he and jessica were (lots of email writing i hear) as opposed to he and i, but i didn't let it bother me. i think i've grown up a lot or something. i talk more freely now.. and sometimes i get really annoyed with myself because i'm suddenly the talker and i don't seem to compare to the before-talkers in my head. or something. and so jonah suddenly says they're seeing a movie and do we want to come.. well jesus. i didn't think we'd get to hang out with him again.. so we say sure, of course and go with him and these two high school kids (ha) to midnight pizza down the street and have pizza and talk around a table.. and it's lovely to get to do that, but i think i'm growing out of him. i noticed much more how much he talks about himself and when not about himself just in a way that makes his opinion the most important.. and i suppose our crowd lends to that, we're just kids who like him a lot who want to hear what he has to say. or at least that's what i was last time he came down. now not so much. but the others were. so i sat there and tried to get over it. but i'd have to admit it wasn't as nice as last time. if i see through jonah now, who's next? i'm worried.

my buddyhead shirt and text cd came in the mail that morning so i got to wear the shirt and feel all cool and when we were leaving jonah's guitarist complimented me on it and we started talking about what colors he looks good in, because the shirt's red and he said he wouldn't look good in red and i couldn't tell if he was flirting with me, because hey, he's talking to me, or if he was gay, because hey he's talking to me about fashion. but that's alright, it was fun. and the movie was skipped and they left and we left and apparently jonah and jessica kissed and i'm now preparing for their wedding because apparently they've kissed a few years ago also, only a much more serious kiss.. so HMM. oh it would make me very happy if they got together.. i've never been attracted to him for some reason completely unknown to me. dunno, dunno..

damn, i don't want to grow out of jonah.. jonah was reminding of everything that was right with the world for so long. i've got to find something else now? i suppose.. maybe life itself can remind me. yeah it has.

so that was my very interesting weekend part. OH, and the kid that was with us got a picture (he thinks) of bryce.. so look forward to hearing about that. i sure as hell know i am. there's more to put here but somehow i've found myself in an ungood time slot and i regret it.. maybe i'll elaborate later. it's all just feelings i guess. strange but good night. bryce's eyes are haunting me now. i swear he knows. this kid andy took the picture and i think he knew it and started looking at us but we acted goofy and looked up at the sky and all that.. i have no idea what he knows. it's kind of a fun little game. oh my got to go..

lovemelo