there are a few moments even when my hair is a little greasy and dirty but kind of falling out of a pony tail and my face is a little oily but you can still see a little mascara that i run into the bathroom and the light in there is just so that i glance at the mirror and think for a second that i'm truly beautiful. every once and a while. my idea of a beautiful woman is something like that. i always imagine russel crowe's wife in gladiator when i think of women who are truly beautiful. only when they're like that can i really appreciate them. there's something motherly, but they don't need to be a mother.. but they're full and lush and a little weather-beaten and very real and i hesitate to say a word that is a mixture of soft and dirty. not that kind of dirty. i find them in period pieces. i'm trying to think of one today and i can't.. because society tells me thin is beautiful so i think of thin girls and say they're beautiful.. but i'm telling you, there's something else out there... there's something more

.....on with the show......

the world is not going to shit because of sex or violence or poverty or cancer or hate or government or lies

it's going to shit because of PRETENSION.

it might be what i hate the most. it's what immediately turns me off of almost every human being i run into. except for a few, which i'll not name because those not named will get upset. i am not even on that list. and maybe that's the thing i hate the most about myself. the moment i become pretentious, and i realize when it happens, believe you me, i give up a little and fall for it more and sometimes drown in it and can't get myself out again without simply walking away from whatever situation i was in. there's been pretension already in this paragraph. why won't it leave me ALONE?!? pretension is now what i see in jonah. all over jonah. he's excreting it through his pores. what am i to do?

we sit at that table in midnight pizza and he talks about things that ail him and how he gets through life problems and strives to be a better person and a better rock star and what he feels about world issues and music issues and it all. he proclaims radiohead are not musical geniuses, but "miles, dylan", those are musical geniuses. he really does seem to see himself as the most important person in the conversation (which consists mainly of him) and i suppose he's in the right because when he's not speaking there is usually uncomfortable silence and i hate being a part of these glowing-eyed children waiting for his next word (yknow i wasn't nearly so angry at all this saturday night).. so maybe so much of that has formed him into what he is today so he shouldn't be blamed..

oh nevermind. i now remember the moment outside sapphire after we returned and andy is watching jonah talk to different people inside and he says to us, so innocently, "how can he be so nice?" and we all shake our heads in wonderment.. "i don't know, he just is. he's one of those rare people" and he is one of those rare people. he's better than so much out there, so so much. but he suffers from what i hate about people too.. and i guess i'm just now realizing it.

i don't want to grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

in fifth grade my mother was shopping in toys r us for a pottery wheel for me for christmas when one fell onto her head (supposedly) from a top shelf and did some great damage for some time (supposedly). she tried suing toys r us but somehow it didn't work and we were all forbiddon to sing that song. i used my pottery wheel just once and never felt like using it again. i think she probably made up half of the accident and pain it brought.

once i asked her for money and she wouldn't give it to me and i was in a bad mood so i lashed out and said something like that she didn't pay the rent et al, dad did, and he does actually.. she pays it, but with his money. and she became enraged and decided to down a bottle of tequila with a bunch of her usual drugs. she stepped out of her room for just a moment half way through to show me what she was doing in some very theatrical way and i ignored her and continued watching tv and she was in there for some time and jordan finally went in and found her and called 911 and when the men were bringing her out on the stretcher she yelled at me drunkenly something like "see what you did". and i just sat there. "you ok?" some fireman asked and it jolted me and i said "sure" and they left. if you know someone is killing themself and don't do anything about it, is it murder if they die? that's the guilt i was talking about. that night was, incidently, the at the drive-in show. my dad wouldn't let me go because of all of the happenings. i was most upset about that.

i'm singing "spiders" by system of a down.

lovemelo

(forgive me)