so tired. there's a lot to complain about so i don't think this is going to be very long.. got to figure out a way to get past everything. everything. so so tired

mom's apparently fine. she's recovering and off the respirater and i can't decide what to feel about that but it looks like whenever she wakes up i have to find some way to avoid real conversation with her so she doesn't understand whatever it is i'm going through and i figure i can do that since i've done it well enough with all other family members. except of course for dad who i never seem to give up on but still disappoints me every single time i try to relay some deep thought to him about anything. never the response i want, ever. it's this relentless game. the car is still in the shop and i miss it TERRIBLY because of the freedom it gives me. there have been so so many times the past few days where i felt so trapped in dad's car.. i just want to stop hearing about it, but i can't go anywhere when we're in a moving car and he gets a call and has to tell the story all over again. i can't go anywhere. and i can't go anywhere really now. christ i need a car.

so the family is thinking of making all these arrangements to move mom up to oklahoma again to stay in some facility or with some family member that restricts her in similar ways because she can't find help here because she has no support because we can't have anything to do with her because it's too fucking hard and i'm just trying not to think about the sadness of a woman with such a fucking horrible life, more horrible than any i can imagine, really, so that she tries to kill herself but then all these fucking people say "no hon, can't do that.. come back here" and then she gets to wake up to all the shit she knew before only worse now because she's going to be treated like a child/mental patient, taking away all her rights and pleasures i'm sure for some time, maybe until the end. i will not involve God in all this. what is God anyway?

this is so fucked up i can't even think

i think i'm choking

you know that feeling right before you start to cry where there's the lump in your throat and your face feels really hot and your eyes start to burn? i think it might've just been installed in me permanently.

i'm so disappointed in just about everyone i know and don't know.