i get into these discussions/aaaaarguments with my dad about christianity and i can never seem to explain my position correctly. i hardly blame him for thinking i'm just being a teenager and rebelling against norms and all that. i fear very much getting into a Real discussion about anything with him because i get overemotional and start to cry when i still have so much to say, but my heart overflows with all of this that i want him to understand and most of the time i don't want to go through the gruelling process so i just don't try. i don't know why i do that. maybe it's because i don't cry at other things people typically cry about. i'm not sad, i'm desperate. i desperately care about people and things and life and i want everything to just be ok and for everyone to just be ok and i see so much in this bible that stands in front of that, not letting it get through, not letting it try, and there's all of these backwards hypocritical motions that no one talks about and fucking evolution is here ! what is that? how do you explain that? but i fear talking about it because i don't want some big conspiracy to come and wack me over the head even though this is not news. how do any scientists have any religious faith? yknow i know they do, because there are so many variations of people that i've not met and they're all out there in this "real world" that i'm not a part of yet and my family is just one of a million states of minds that exist and i'm only shown them and i can't seem to get out of this little world. ten years from now man. ten years from now i'll look back at them and laugh at what little they were and how much there was and how many chances there were for me to fit in. i can't wait to fit in.

i know that with the proper means it'd be very easy to escape from all of this war stuff. i could very easily do that. tibet. no one would bomb tibet. i've been driving around in my dad's car lately while mom's car is being fixed and now i love his car, even though it's white, and i filled it up with gas and i had my classic rock on and the windows down and i felt i could very easily just run away. i wouldn't want to steal my dad's car though. i've thought of running away so many times in the past month. this is a good time to move to malta.

jon stewart is so refreshing. i love him endlessly. i detect no corruption or agenda in him and i'd stake a lot on that. and i pride myself on reading people but i've always had a realistic terror of things that we could never imagine and so then the possibility of corruption in the least likely of places. so if jon stewart ends up being evil, shoot me, i'll never know anything. i'll never know anything ever again. it's all over. robert downey jr. is a good heart who makes good important things like the last party which i watched tonight which dealt with all types of issues in and around the '92 presidential election and the bullshit overflowing from both sides, obviously on the republican side (and god how i'm terrified when i see them chanting and bush saying 'take a second and think about all we've accomplished' and the eyes burn at that) and sneakily on the democratic side (none of it's real). and neither is better than the other. they are both equally shit. and there is no choice. and there is no freedom. and this is america. take it off your bumper stickers. i get overwhelmed with all that robert showed me, not just partisan shit, just different people with different views, and abortion and the ripping it's doing in my head because i hate it so much but pro-choice is not the same as pro-abortion and there are people there who are against abortion, but for choice, and maybe that is the way to be and i just can't tell. because there's so much evil in it. and i say that it can not be legal because of our laws concerning murder in general but maybe it's all just another way to force morals on people, which is ever the last thing i could want to do.. i know only this: what is now is wrong. i'm paralyzed by all the sides.

mmoomm si lanoisullid. mom is dillusional. she is awake for days now and not remembering what she did or what's going on and rambling sometimes incoherantly about a story about a ship with the blonde roommate from dawson's creek and pneumonia and a boat house and all of this shit that maybe she dreamt in the coma and MAYBE believes but maybe it's to hide from us and protect herself. she said the other day "i'm not depressed" and we suspected. and then she said something about that she knows what she did and she's not going to do it anymore, she doesn't have the strength anymore. there is some muscle deterioration and she can't control her legs sometimes so she can't walk and her upper lip is larger and higher for some reason and she talks in a completely different voice and for the first day i thought she might've been exorcised or some bizarre k-paxian thing but now i see it's coming back to her even though she calls sometimes and says so many things i don't understand and calls me amber and says she remembers jordan and likes him, that he's cute, like he's something else besides her son, and i don't know what's real here. and the first day there was a kind of hope. we were all happy suddenly because here was this almost dead woman suddenly alive and looking at us and talking to us and ohrememberme but it wasn't this evil thing it was this new thing and we were all so relieved it wasn't the old her that we took the insanity and smiled. and then it hit me like this ton of bricks and i couldn't stay in the room with her long, i'd start tearing up, i couldn't take this person in this hospital bed. i want a real evil person more than this crazy person staring widely from, in my head, the grips of a straight jacket in some mental ward.. weekly visits.. christ. she has a phone now and i can't take her calling here i can't talk to her it makes me hyperventalate or something and i wish she could be restricted. i can't go visit her anymore but i don't want her to be all alone for entire days with nothing but a rotational nurse and a tv and
oh god it's like she is this dead thing. but she hasn't fully died. here she comes. back she'll be taken back to tulsa i guess whenever released and my grandmother is coming down wednesday and so dad must leave our home and i'll have the car back and i have no idea how things'll be but it''s very frightening. i need to run away right about now. or die or something

film, don't know what to think of it, don't know what to take in classes next year, don't know what i want to do with my life and that's not acceptable when i'm at this stage and i can't do anything about it. where is all the stress going? where is it all going? jordan gets sick. i'm not getting sick. i have my vitamin c. where will it wind up catching up with me? am i going to collapse of heart failure in a year? please? is god and all of it just a fairy tale? i imagine the other planets looking at us and giggling at our absurd belief systems. i really need a therapist or something. i don't see how insurance will find a good enough one. and i don't know if i can come up with the money. i feel so dead right now. the weeks just go by and suddenly it's friday again and i can get my paper and plan my movies or concerts for the weekend or month and then it just goes and then it's friday again and nothing has happened. i'd stop reading now if i were you.