four weddings and a funeral was great. i love british humor. but it made me cry. who knew the funeral in a british comedy would be an actual sad funeral? it's another movie where we see a group of very close and longtime friends and i think that you could handle anything if you had something like that. it's the being alone that really makes everything the more unbearable. to have great friends that you see often and have seen you through so much and that you feel completely comfortable around, like family - i think that may be all you need.

the foo fighters are so emo, it's hilarious. not the actual fact, but the reaction the world would have if they realized it, given the current connotations that follow "emo" around. ha. listen to the song about the generator on the new album, and listen to #10 on the color and the shape and you'll hear that very familiar emo-climax/feeling. if you're familiar with it, that is. did i tell you i bought the color and the shape finally? it's so incredibly wonderful. in my head everlong is one of the greatest songs of all time. the foo fighters have a very special pure wonderful kind of rock n roll and it never fails to bring me to a great place. they're fantastic.

i finally had a moment with my mother at the hospital where i wasn't absurdly sad and choking to get out of the room. first i wanted to, but then she woke up and after a little bit of painful silences something switched over and my brother and i started joking and somehow incorporated my grandmother and mom into it and got her magically to yell which is not yelling by our standards at all, just speaking normally.. you see we have been hardly able to hear anything she says and i finally felt like breaking out and getting something out of her. who cares what all of this means and has been and will be? just find a carefree moment and go with it. right. so we actually spent a little bit of time with her and ran around the hospital with her in the wheelchair (it should be called Jesus' Hospital, i swear.. that fucking guy is EVERYWHERE - oh look, jesus playing with sheep, jesus sitting amongst adam and eve and various animals, jesus hugging a child in heaven.. jesus). so apparently it'll take her somewhere from 6 months to a year to be able to really function properly and live on her own.. to be able to walk and all of that. so she'll go to oklahoma and be cared for by my grandmother who has gone through way too fucking much to imagine (two children lost in the same year a couple years back, this child the way she is, a mother who's dying but tormenting her as much as possible before she goes, siblings who are always ill and on the brink of death... jesus again) and mother may never be able to dance again, and i think she knows that.. and these are all here swarming around. no maybe she'll recover fully and five years from now she'll be the exact same person she was before all of this. and i'll go back to avoiding her and trying to find some way to not feel guilty about every little mother-related thing.

there's some sex show on hbo right now.. i should probably go watch it. ta