welll..

an interesting observation of drunken people is that they finally pay attention to you (me) - "oh, melo! we should hang out!" yea hon where were you a couple of hours ago? and as false as it is, it was sort of a guilty pleasure, even though i don't plan on making a habit of it.. people are shockingly annoying when they're "drunk".. not like the movies at all. feels like half intoxication and half acting like they're intoxicated.. everything reaks of exaggeration. some more than others. kids are really dumb, aren't they? i mean, when you get right down to it..

it looks as if i'm going to oklahoma. i didn't really want to, even though it will probably be a semi-positive experience, i just hate the little things of assisting all of these sick/injured people and i apparently have to fly up there on the 18th with mom and grandmother so that should be bushels of fun. ready to jump out of the plane? YES. ohboyohboyohboy.. and dad and jordan get to drive all of mom's stuff up there and have a wonderful bonding experience while i, well i don't. can i have a whole person, ever? no? can i end it now then?
and then we'll come back the 29th (dadjordanandi) in the plane, and i'll listen to music with gigantic headphones that try to erase everything going on around me (and do so very well) and get to the point of bursting wanting to be home and away from that ugly life i just dropped off and maybe start fresh and .. spend time with friends? if i'm lucky. i need a better new years plan this year. like i need water.
i'm contemplating money.. and how i have about $700 now.. and that'll probably go quickly this month on presents and any quick fix i can get my hands on.. and then i have like $2400 coming in the end of january.. so do i even need to be saving? or worrying? should i just live off of college money and stop thinking about the future? my problem with planning for the future by things like "saving" is that there is so much hell to be put thru whilst saving to get to.. what? a larger chunk of money later on to feel a little safer? but what is money if you're not spending it? it's pointless. and this is a teenage perspective, i know.. but i mean i'm not looking to put out a mortgage on a house or anything. jesus fucking christ.
i think stress is actually being felt physically through my head now. i had a panic moment a few days ago where the car was dying and i was very hot and i wanted to dropkick my grandmother to timbuktu and dad and jordan were being dad and jordan and i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life and i could actually feel painful pressure all around my forehead and temples.. and then i was relieved for a moment with crazy singing squirrels. but crazy singing squirrels can't always help you. so i need a more lasting relaxation/stress-relief technique.. i'm thinking more along the lines of a lifestyle. or else i'm going to end up.. badly. life change is the hardest thing in the world for me to comprehend. not things that happen to you, but things that you do to change - i can't bare the thought of embarking on anything.. even if it's the best thing in the world for me. help help help

my cds are in the car which is in the shop til tomorrow. but if i had them now i'd like to listen to....

yeah i can't think.. i thought of at the drive-in/the icarus line/jonah/amnesiac at the same time.

the scene in Eyes Wide Shut where nicole kidman is sitting on the floor of the bedroom giving the monologue about the man she'd seen years before and almost left her family for - that is jaw-droppingly phenomenal. what an incredible testament to female sexuality.. and the despair that comes with it. wow

lovemelo