the night before last i had a most amazing dream

i immediately labeled it "meeting my soulmate", but after more thought i wouldn't call it that.
i just tried to type this at a public library and surprise surprise it erased it again and here i am at ucf on a sunday because i need to relay this experience .. i hope it comes out the same. i was starting a new class at some imaginary school and the boy next to me and i started talking - as if there were no easier thing to do than to talk to one another - and our responses were just so and our subjects were just so and all was easy and natural and comfortable and i didn't appreciate it in the dream because in DREAM LAND i do not have all of this excess thought at all seconds of every waking moment clouding experiencing - so we got out of class and there was the feeling that he was supposed to go somewhere else but he stayed with me instead and we just walked around and had interesting conversations and experienced little strange things with other passing humans and had minute touchings in the casuallest of ways - like we'd known each other for ages.. like after a particularly scary running-into with a potential new french teacher where we were seperated for an insane videogame-type car ride, we got back together and i said i'd missed him and i took his hand and kissed it and we just kept walking and talking - no stress. that was really the only time that reminded me of a typical relationship, the i missed you part, everything else wasn't at all like we were in any way each other's crutch.. it was a friendship that was so new and natural that it would've become whatever else without even a talk about it, just because it's the natural progression of things - no talk of other people or future or sex or even a memory of physical appearances (!!) - just a dynamic between us that i've never experienced in my life and now is all i want. there was an immense sadness when i woke up and realized it was a dream and he was gone forever - i shouldn't say he, maybe i should say That. so it wasn't about soulmates.. who cares about all that.. i just want a carefree relationship, conversations that are easy and meaningful at the same time oh this is bullshit it's not coming out like last time.. shit. i can't explain. it was just so much better. it's as if all of my relationships with people are like me standing in front of a thousand people giving a speech (which for me with my fear of public speaking would be worse than any kind of torture you can think of) and this dream dynamic was like i had just finished and had run off to the back of the stage where one lone person asked how it was and as i talked to them i wasn't thinking at all how i looked to him or who he was or where our conversation was going.. no consciousness of everything that every little thing means, just talking - that's it. and such a relief at being shielded from all the eyes and judgements and pressures of all of those people. so who cares about sex. that indescribable dream state is all i want.
and it makes me think if i could just control my dreams and go back to him every night it wouldn't even matter that nothing was happening in waking life, because dreams are just as real as anything else i think - and the dreams would become the reality and the waking life would become the dreams that happen at random and don't necessarily mean anything - and everything in each part could be controlled.. imagine that.

oh god i can't describe how terrible it is to wake up to this from that.

lovemelo