Rufus Wainwright's Imaginary Love

"Every kind of love, or at least my kind of love
Must be an imaginary love to start with
Guess that can explain the rain, waiting walking game
Schubert past my brain to start with
Hoped to look at you in a cab
Back of your head across my lap
Oh what grace, green back seat against the red of your face
Hoped to look at you in any old grand hotel
Drunken demands gave way to reservations
Oh what a room, champagne brings such happy faces, happy faces
'Cause every kind of love, or at least my kind of love
Must be an imaginary love to start with
Guess that can explain the rain, waiting walking game
Schubert past my brain to start with"

Vibrate

"My phone's on vibrate for you
Electroclashes, karaoke too
I try to dance Britney Spears
I guess I'm getting on in years
My phone's on vibrate for you
God knows what all these new drugs do
I guess to have no more fears
But still I always end up in tears
My phone's on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinnochio's now a boy
Who wants to turn back into a toy?
So call me
Call me in the morning, call me in the night
So call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone's on vibrate for you, for you"

i love him

this is my 274th post. so ok i kind of like this new format. i've been dreading this post for some reason, the "dad's out of jail" post, just like whenever he gets out i hate having to call everyone to notify them, usually just make him do it, but i guess what's always the worst is the "he's in again" call right after it happens. like i imagine how terrible it would be to have to call all the friends and family members of someone who had died, having to relive it over and over with people, i might just not call anyone and run away. oh well, everything worked out, phones are back on, fantasia is going to be our american idol, everything is ok. this is what i love and always sing right now, besides led zeppelin:

to dream the impossible dream
to fight the unbeatable foe
to bear with unbearable sorrow
to run where the brave dare not go
to right the unrightable wrong
to be better far than you are
to try when your arms are too weary
to reach the unreachable star
this is my quest, to follow that star
no matter how hopeless, no matter how far
to be willing to give when there's no more to give
to be willing to die so that honor and justice may live
and i know if i'll only be true to this glorious quest
that my heart will lie peaceful and calm when i'm laid to my rest
and the world will be better for this
that one man, scorned and cottered with scars,
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable star

what a fucking song. i have the sinatra version and this great grandiose operatic one by ed ames. woo

and also i was putting off posting because i didn't have much to say. i know i'm a snob but i can't stand it when people pop up on their blogs every few days/weeks to just tell us a list of things that happened to them, the most mundane things, i did this and then i did this and i did this and then i saw this and then i did this.. oh my god. this is not a day planner people, the golden rule is one to live by and when you show up at someone's blog, does it excite and intrigue you to find the daily events of that person's life? do you think "i'm sure glad they posted that, i feel like i know them so much better now, i feel like i know life better now.." i've discovered the only problem with the golden rule, by the way, which ends up being a very major problem. if i treat others as i would want to be treated, that still screws me because i respond a little differently to most things than most people, so i'm throwing things at people that i myself would like, i'm treating them like i would a me clone, a long dream of mine, and sure enough it gets thrown back in my face and i get fired twice in two weeks. the last one didn't stick, but still. the problem with this is i could just muddle myself down and change to fit into more people but there are those special few out there who think just like me on most things and i would've never found them if i hadn't been throwing me out there at them. dammit.

rufus wainwright: "be a star and fall down somewhere next to me."

cleaning is like cleansing the soul for me, so i feel newer and better after organizing my closet. and i came across my bag of keepsake junk, 90% i ended up throwing away, but thankfully i came across this lovely like three page, front and back, elaborate, hugely erotic sexual fantasy about george clooney i had written in my peak clooneyness during my world lit class.. three semesters ago i think. and jesus it is HOT. what's nice is it's just my kind of hot. maybe i should write that kind of stuff. and i'd love to post it here, but i feel that that would be too revealing of me, almost like saying "hey i filmed myself masturbating, wanna see?!" maybe not that odd, but in the same vein. plus this isn't a sex blog, tho i'm thinking of starting one. you remember those others i had started visiting, they're kind of boring after a while actually, but i'm sure my own would always be interesting to me at least. but i guess i sort of already have one. my secret blog houses all the things i'd like to remember including really sexy life events and dreams and i guess soon this lovely george clooney fantasy. george is my professor. oh man.

i'm on the 96.5 workforce thing that gets me $96 if they call my name and i call back within ten minutes and $96 more every hour if the next names don't call back in time.. from 9-5 on weekdays, so if anyone hears my name call me on the cell, 257-1331, and warn me just in case i'm playing racquetball or something.

this kennel gig has me moving around and sweating a lot so i'm losing freaking weight over here. i turn to the side and disappear, ha ha. no but my tight jeans are now my loose jeans and my regular jeans are just obnoxious.. ha haha ha! what a wonderful problem to have! it is a joy to get paid for losing weight. this is how gym memberships should be. wouldn't it be simply adorable if i lost all this weight and then i was too poor to buy new clothes so i was like a poor little matchgirl on the street with the men's shirt and overalls that are 5 sizes too big.. ah deleriously wonderful problems...

just finished watching first half of sixth season of sex and the city, the only ones i've not seen, 12 episodes of orgasmic fabulousness, eons better than the second half of the season i shared with jenn and was too serious and odd for me to get off on like normal.. the first half has me laughing outloud and sighing like usual. oh sex and the city. i love you. and blair underwood! joy

mom's coming to town for a week on monday for jordan's graduation, the first i'll have spent any physical time with her in over two years. prepare for possible meltdown.

now that i've gone and made blog enemies with my day planning comment, i want to urge everyone to retaliate, not only by changing their blog and sticking up their nose, but by screaming "BORING" in my comments if you ever find this one that way, i will not cry, i will smile and be happy that you're treating me the way i'd like to be treated. i'll try to do the same to you, of course by swallowing all my words. let's consider each other and be each others "me clones", reach into me, we need this. johnson, out! i'm so kidding.

dad's back in jail, my phones aren't working, la toya got kicked off american idol, and i hate the world.

right, completely forgot other major life event.. since i have experienced so little physical pain in my life i consider this a major life event anyway: at my kennel job on monday i was playing ball with a labrador retriever, key word retriever, obsessed with the damn ball, simon is his name, and my weak arms can't throw a tennis ball so far so i thought, in my silly little head, why not punt the ball? it may go farther. gosh! so i drop the ball and kick, only, hey, simon is obsessed with the ball, he thinks i'm just dropping it, so he goes for it as i'm kicking, full on kicking, and i full on kick him in the face as i kick the ball.. the ball flies, he flies after it, completely unphased, jesus it was hard tho i can't believe i didn't hurt him. but wait, it's not the dog that's hurt, it's me! my foot feels like it's been shot.. just huge waves of pulsing pain all through the foot, wow, i look down and there's a hole in my jeans above my shoe.. i can barely walk but i stumble over to the chair and it hurts like hell to take my shoe off and shit, there's a bloody hole in my sock. that fucking dog's fucking tooth went through my fucking jeans, my fucking shoe, my fucking sock, and into my fucking foot. right on top of the foot. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. so that hurt. again, dog is fine, there's a hole in my foot. it hurt realll reall bad for three days and then i apparently slept on it wrong and that leg had a half-charlie horse for two days and in the middle there i got checked up at the UCF clinic and got a tetnus shot and then my arm started hurting, and then i got a crick in my neck and that was hurting, and then my tooth started hurting, lol, so for a minute there i was completely falling apart. this type of stuff really makes you appreciate good health.. it's true what they say. sure you can be suicidal and going crazy but somehow that all falls to the backdrop when your body gets a new hole! so if there are any teeny-tiny-penised-foot-fetishists out there.. wayheyhey.

i feel like laying back on my bed and smoking a cigarette, having just had sex with brian kinney. er, watched him for hours on queer as folk.. oh brian.. amanda had asked me last week who i would want to look like if i were a guy, and i couldn't think really, i thought maybe ewan because he's well endowed, but no, no no, gale harold, aka brian kinney, has the perfect male body in my opinion. tall, thin but not skinny, fit but not too muscular. he leans over countertops and the length from his neck to the top of his pants running down his back is miles. perfect ass. yes i finish watching queer as folk and i come out more than ever feeling like a gay man, talking and thinking like one... so in my fantasies of brian i am not myself, a girl having sex with brian kinney, i am a sexy boy, not really justin but someone who can keep my personality, that fascinates him and turns him on. good afternoon.

i got fired from my receptionist vet job at tuscawilla oaks yesterday morning. a bit of a relief because it was stressful and i didn't like the doc, but mostly very obnoxious because i'm nearly positive it was for some personal reason. my performance had greatly improved and i think it may have had something to do with the length of my hair or my clothes or my personality, all of which i was slowly dumbing down to fit in around there. good riddance, right? still, i have fantasies that the doc thought i was a lesbian and then i sued the pants off him in a grand quest to help along gay rights and no, not at all to satisfy my own anger.. ; )

there's a new girl at the lake howell vet named michelle who's very nice and just moved from new york. she says the tap water is very different up there. like down here it seems smelly and nasty in comparison. do you notice this, frank? i really hope i can get up there in june with the kids.. i think with the fewer jobs i'll be able to swing it better, even tho i'm getting less money.. it all depends on other people in my house working i guess. i really want to see the algonquin hotel. feel the presence of dorothy parker. i am identifying with her more and more. when i'm not identifying with gay men. well, you know how gay guys are sometimes called friends of dorothy... hmm

i saw broadcast news the other day, a great great movie from the 80s starring william hurt, albert brooks, and holly hunter.. albert brooks' character is now one of my favorites in all of cinema. there's this great scene where he gets insulted by a higher up who he really admires in front of a room full of people and he's best friends with holly and he leans over and whispers in her ear "laugh so they don't think i'm dying inside but have so much style that i just said something funny" and he walks away and she bursts out laughing.. great scene.

i'm going to go rent the first two seasons of queer as folk and fast forward to all of brian's scenes like a psychopath..

oh my god i've just this minute discovered another damien rice song that apparently has been on my computer for weeks without me noticing it.. it stands against the wall and blends in to the wallpaper, jesus - The Professor: first i'm thinking well great i've just burned the cd finally (just bought cds finally today) and this better not be a good song cuz then i'll hate that it's not on there and i'm not sure i'm willing to throw out one of my only ten cds, four or five of which are going to my brother, so's i can rerecord damien songs.. ahh.. so then i'm listening and it's amusing but not really worth throwing out the cd, tho cute, AND THEN HE STARTS SINGING IN FRENCH AND MY HEART JUMPED INTO MY THROAT AND I THINK HAD AN ORGASM.. oh my god, what is it about french? oh god damien. yet another wonderful boy to sing french to me.. add him to the list of jeff and rufus now.. sigh sigh sigh is all i'm still doing. GODDAMN YOU BURNABLE CDS!! so now i'm exhausted.