happy thanksgiving. mine's been good, all food, including large turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes w/ marshmellows, cranberry sauce and rolls, came out very nicely. surprisingly easy. then we watched donnie darko and jordan absolutely loved it ("I AM Donnie!"). now we're at hadaways for dessert.

saw solaris yesterday afternoon - what a haunting and beautiful movie. wonderful music. so great, interesting, sad, sexy, you feel what you're supposed to feel. five stars, definitely. i want to buy it maybe. there was a 1972 russian version that was an hour longer and i hear just a big piece of communist propaganda (hurray), so i want to see it. george, by golly, is a Real actor, he did so great. the chick's eyes get freaky at times, they're so big. let me tell you about the brilliance that is george clooney's ass - i couldn't believe how perfect it was. this is a guy in his mid-40's, he doesn't need to have a perfect ass... it was like a 20 yr old gay guy's ass. really. he is a lovely lovely naked man. "and visions of clooney danced in her head", as for later that night.. yes. i would accept that man's invitation to dinner. i am half his age, but i would overlook that. i'd say, george, you're short, but i can overlook your shortness if you can overlook my general physical unattractiveness. and he'd say, oh, melody, you're beautiful. and i'd say, yes, george, and you're tall, let's go. match made in heaven. well i guess he's my new obsession.. there hasn't been one in a while, that's funny.. he's been there all along.

dad is getting out monday or tuesday, we're accepting barbara's offer, which makes me sad, but it seems to be the only way. i'm going to give her my pell grant money and work for free for a couple of months and hopefully dad can go back to driving the cab and make enough for us to get by for a while.. he hurt his knee in there, it's just a overall bad environment, no work can be done through that place, it's ricockulous. i have no idea when i'll be able to get a car.. this all takes hopeless amounts of time. mom says she's getting jordan a computer for christmas, with our $5000, so that's one problem that'll be better. dad gets to go with us to tulsa now for christmas, i think, unless he has to work a bunch to make up for the week off.. i don't know - what a vacation. i have no idea why patti won't pay this money for us. she says "$5000 is a lot of money". yes, it is. and we of all people should know that. but it wouldn't be nearly so crippling for you, so why not just do this out of the kindness of your heart? i don't understand people sometimes.. the generous people don't have money - or maybe they're just saying they'd pay because they're not in the position to, i don't know. who cares, he's getting out, things will go back to normal, we were just starting to get on our feet, and now we've had our inevitable set back, it's all a pendulum, you know? whatever - life goes on.

update: we're not paying ridiculous amount of money to get dad out.. going legal action way instead.. everything is incredibly slow. jordan and i get to cook all the thanksgiving food together and i am excited about that, not so much sad, though maybe i will be tomorrow. george clooney makes my stomach feel all wishy washy. i could marry that man and live in his home in italy and play with his pig and two bulldogs. i'm going to see solaris and his lovely perfect bottom this afternoon.

well i just made a quiz to send to all of you, so that was fun.. jenn's was nice, professional, mine not so much. i made a measly 50 on her's. shameful. mine has some curve balls, watch out.

i have a big crush on owen wilson. to the point where i rented armaggedon to see him in it. what a terrible movie.

jimmy eat world's Clarity is a really great album. those of you, and you know who you are, who own bleed american or really like them and pretend to be a fan, go out and buy it, and static prevails is really good too. clarity was so perfect for me for that two year span of 10th and 11th grade. it's so nice to go back to these albums that make you sing that you still remember the words to (well sort of) after so much time spent away from them. my brother, much to my surprise, found our mindless self indulgence tape the other day !!!! i couldn't believe i remembered every cranny of those songs.. how crazy were they? i'm seriously wondering now if they're some secret messengers from the KKK.. listen to all those white people going on about nigger this and nigger that.. there's something about niggers hanging by their necks.. watch out. i'm curious. either way, it was hilarious running into them again.

so alan i am tres mad at you - you do not call, not for all the money in the world, when a good friend needs to reach you. you need to learn to call. you really do. even if it's just to say you can't see me, that there's no time in the world for little old melody.. that at least is respectful. i could've used someone this weekend. i really wanted to see you. the following is going to make me seem much worse off than i actually am, but i still would've liked to talk to you.

i could start this off with a grand title and everything:

drew carey's mother once told him, "any problem that can be solved with money is not a real problem".

i've been running that through my head all week, like a mantra, only i'm not sure i can believe it. my dad is in jail, since thursday. he needs $5,000 to get out or he's spending 60 days there. that's january 21st, the day of the coldplay concert. we really didn't think this would happen again. again: he spent 30 days in jail two summers ago for the same, failure to pay alimony. that was the worst time i think i've ever had. i was living with my mom, who was particularly crazy and cruel right about then, i had no job, so no money, and no car of my own, and all she did was try to make me as miserable as i could be, taking away everything that made me happy, making sure i knew i had no way out because if i ran away i could be taken in and sent to juvi for being a runaway. i was 17 so i had no rights whatsoever. we had no support system of friends then, there was nowhere i could go, and my only salvation, my father, was completely out of reach and unable to help me. i was this caged animal and i can't explain how terrified i was. this, thank the vast empty darkness, is a completely different situation, as was seen today. she showed up at our door, insisting we talk to her, that she was going to contact child and family services and see if it's legal for a 16 yr old to be staying alone with a 19 yr old. our friends the hadaways called the police, tho i don't really think they needed to, we didn't ask them to, but i guess it was good, because now i know for sure what my rights are. it's so nice finally being an adult. as long as dad is away i am temporary gaurdian of jordan and in charge of our home and who comes in. i have full legal authority. this is such a relief, i can't tell you. the police were very nice and on our side, even though three of them showed up and the neighbors, i'm sure, are in a gossip frenzy. it must look so scandalous from far off. i had to apologize to our upstairs neighbor, i think he understood, he's very kind. our grandmother has threatened to come down and "get in our faces" until we let our mom back into our lives.. in which case i'm giong to have to get a restraining order against them, which sounds like fun.

the second day, the day after, friday, i got into a panic. i feel so terrible for my dad. i hate that he has to go through all of this shit again, it's so ridiculous. i can't believe we put people in jail for things like this. i wish i could take his place. i didn't know what to do at first.. it's not like last time where i just sit idly by - i'm an adult, i'm in charge here, i should be going and getting and finding help.. i wasn't sure who to ask for money or if i should ask them for money. finally i got a hold of his sister, worth millions, and she weaseled out of paying like last time.. somehow i forgot about that from last time, but i won't forget this. i am so angry at these people. what happened to grotesque generosity? $5000 would be like $100 for them. if all we had in the world was $5000, we'd give it to them, in a second, if something like this happened. she uses the excuse of "it'll go straight to your mother and she's crazy". bullshit, what the fuck does that matter? your brother is in jail, he could be attacked or raped or worse, and you sit there on your money and offer me "anything you need". meanwhile i ask barbara, my employer, who struggles to get by waitressing for disney for the last 30 years and she says she's getting her mortgage on the house on tuesday, $10,000, and she'd be glad to give me the money, knowing that whatever house repairs that have been waiting for years are much less important than dad getting out of jail - this just makes your heart scream, doesn't it? it's like the richer you are, the less generous.. and vice versa. "there are no rich communists". so i immediately backed away from barbara's offer, this before knowing patti (dad's sister) wouldn't be offering - but now i'm wondering if we should take barbara's money, and i'll just work for free for a few months and give her my pell grant money when i get it for this and next semester, even though i can't believe sometimes how much we need another car. gandhi says "poverty is the worst form of violence". so i have all these other thoughts - setting up a donations table in front of a grocery store like a girlscout, standing in turn lanes with jars like the firemen, calling a radio talk show and inspiring community support.. i envision these romantic "it could happen to you" endings, but the thing with nicolas cage and bridget fonda was, they didn't ask for it. it just happened. you lose all the dignity when you ask for it. and i hear about friends of friends who sit on $500,000 and are thinking about helping, but no word yet.. and it's amazing to look around and see money literally all around you, just not right there with you, the only place you really need it to be. but i'm still trying to concentrate on drew's mom's saying. i'm just not sure if it's true. i'd really like dad to be out by thanksgiving. i talked to his parents tonight, i didn't think anyone would tell them, i couldn't tell at first if they knew, because they didn't sound so upset, just worried about how we were doing - but when i realized they knew, and they offered to help with rent, but not with the purge amount.. i really didn't expect that. maybe they don't have it, but they must have something. they must have the ability to convince patti, something. they didn't sound like they would do anything of the sort. there may be a thinking on his side of the family that "he's made his bed..." and it just disgusts me. he tries so hard. he drives a cab 70 hours a week and i work enough and we still barely sqeak by. what is left over that we could've given my mother? there's nothing left. money, money and christianity, i've decided, are the bain of my existence. i tried to schedule visitation yesterday and they said i could see him that night and then an hour later i called to confirm and it was a mistake, his visitation time was earlier that afternoon, and now i have to wait another 4 days. these fucking people. but maybe he'll be out by then somehow. i could take barbara's money and go down there tuesday, though i really don't want to. she works so hard. life is so fucked up. but hey, it could be a hell of a lot worse. we could be younger and have no rights, we could have no car, i could have no income.. we could lose our apartment that way, but i think we're safe from all those things. there are people this time that won't let that happen. if you pray, pray for my dad, and on thursday, be thankful for what you have.

oh my gosh.. amanda, my babysittee, got a new animal to add to the ...10 animal house. they wouldn't tell me what it was at first.. so i get there early and search the place and i'm thinking "godammit it's probably another turtle. that's all we need." having turtles is morally wrong, i've decided. they find them from the lake and bring them back to live their lives in a 1 X 2 foot aquarium.. does that sound nice to you? they try every day all day to get out. that's all they do. it's disgusting. ugh i just want to let them go in the night and deal with the consequences. so this is worrying me.. and then finally i find, in the upstairs bathroom, a carrier with a little furry thing. oh my, i think, it's a rabbit. but it's not, it's a kitten! and she's not terrified of me! she's just waking up and she's like "oh hello" and she's dark grey with white feet and she attacks your hand and it's the most adorable wonderful thing ever.. i am so happy now. amanda has given her another stupid cliche animal name, whiskers, but i'm refusing. i've decided to call her cleopatra, cleo for short.. that's so much nicer. amanda has no concept of "different is interesting and often better". she listens to nsync, afterall. it is all i can do to keep my gandhi sensibilities with her and not treat her the way she treats other people.. the best way to change a person is to set an example, i say, and i hope that's right, sometimes i have my doubts, but no, i'm sure it's right.. anyway. cleo is wonderful and i am so happy. god i want a kitten.

i swear to God that hot asian guy in stat knows i swoon over him... today he strutted in as usual, he's very cocky, (crotch rocket driver), i hadn't seen him in over a week, dunno where he was.. he greets his friends, he stands in front of the seat directly in front of me and i stop taking notes to watch.. he lays down his stuff and slowly, very slowly, removes his jacket and bends down to sit.. i got wood. it was hilarious. what a tease. i want to bite his ears. wao now.

i once again did a paper a week early thinking it was due today.. but that's ok. my humanities professor told us about a delta V gene that the people in medieval europe developed to combat the plague, and now people apparently have it to combat AIDs, since the AIDs virus and the plague work practically the same way in the body.. and this hasn't been made very public i'm guessing because it would discount that underground mainstream idea that AIDs is God's punishment for certain behaviors.. the gene is completely random, after all.. so that's all very interesting. i'm going to go look it up and see if it's real. i want delta V. how cool would that be?

my mom is taking my dad to court again for failure to pay alimony.. so i hope he doesn't go to jail again, and to help i am probably testifying (?) for him thursday afternoon.. which is bizarre. she calls last year's suicide attempt "a stroke" and us helping her move her things back to tulsa with her "him secretly removing my things from my apartment and shipping me off away from my children". it's ricockulous.. the system works so that anyone with a head full enough of lies can get equal time and possibly win if sympathy is directed accurately.. it's very crazy. hope that no one crazy comes after you with lies and sends you to jail.

we finally get to see my brother's soccer game for the first time this season tonight.. it's going to be very cold, but i can't wait. there's something so fun about that. i miss all the soccer parents.. i felt like a soccer parent. i feel like the substitute mother in the house.

i bought my coldplay ticket guys. a reminder, it is tues jan 21st at hard rock, doors at 7pm, $38.25 with ticketmaster charge in advance, more on day of obviously.. get em while they're hot.

from michaelmoore.com:

'What would Jesus drive?' gas-guzzling Americans are asked

Oliver Burkeman in New York
Thursday November 14, 2002
The Guardian

The midwestern United States, equally devout in its worship of God as in its worship of gas-guzzling four-wheel-drive vehicles, is about to be asked to choose between the two.
"What Would Jesus Drive?" is the slogan dominating a television advertising campaign about to blanket cities in Iowa, Indiana and Missouri, along with the southern state of North Carolina.

The question presumably did not arise in first-century Galilee, but the Christian group behind the ads believes the answer would not include sports utility vehicles, the fuel-inefficient, environmentally unfriendly monsters that rule America's roads.

"We have confessed Christ to be our saviour and Lord, and for us, that includes our transportation choices," the Rev Jim Ball, of the Washington-based Evangelical Environmental Network, said.

"Most folks don't think of transportation as a moral issue, but we're called to care for kids and for the poor, and filling their lungs with pollution is the opposite of caring for them."

The campaign's slogan is inspired by What Would Jesus Do?, a phrase ubiquitous among young Christians in the US who sport it on bracelets, clothing and customised Bible covers.

"We take seriously the question What Would Jesus Do?", Mr Ball said. "What Would Jesus Drive? is just a more specific version. What would he want me to do as a Christian? Would he want me to use public transportation?"

A coalition of religious groups, led by Christians and Jews, are due to launch a related campaign later this month in Detroit, America's car capital, where they have called for a meeting with representatives from the big three manufacturers, Ford, General Motors and DaimlerChrysler.

Though all three companies have begun to launch hybrid cars powered partly by electricity, SUVs, vans and pickups still account for half the new vehicles sold in the US. TV ads abound declaring them "professional grade" and built "like a rock".

Car companies say they are only responding to demand.

"If people would be demanding tailfins on cars, we'd be making tailfins on cars," said Eron Shosteck, of the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers.

At least one car maker is fighting on the same territory as Mr Ball: Chevrolet has been touring a series of nationwide evangelical rock concerts entitled Chevrolet Presents: Come Together and Worship, prompting condemnation from non-Christian groups.

"This may be a sign of the times," Rabbi James Rudin, spokesman for the American Jewish Committee, said recently. "But it's not a good sign."

writer's block... i have writer's block... i've been sitting here in front of this devil at school, it's dark now.. it's been 45 minutes or so and i've only done the title page... now i'm wasting more time rambling here.. i've changed computers once. i've taken many sips of water. i've skimmed over my nude Zeus (or Poseidon) and my nude David (sexy) and my Francios de la Sarra being eaten by frogs and worms (frogs?).. and i have to discuss how each represent the a.Greek b.Medieval Christian c.Renaissance views of the human body.. this is not terribly hard. then he asks us to pick representatives of two groups and have them both assess each view.. like liberal/conservative, male/female, adult/child, what have you.. that's the part i don't like. i don't want to make up someone's opinion.. i'm so tired of creative writing (which i don't even do anymore, but i've somehow grown against it for the creative pressures it gives you) i want only nonfiction, research, mostly objective writing.. i like slipping in little asides here and there, a little objectivity is ok.. but i'm so tired of creating people. who am i to create people?

the movie with nick cage that i told you about, alan, is called Adaptation, not Adaption.. i'm a moron. i don't even think adaption is a word. in fact, i just checked, it's not. like "nucular". now you look at it and say "of course that's not a word", but you all say it, dammit.. it comes out of mouths everyday. "nucular war". "nucular family". "nuclear" is the only word here. that's it. it's not either/or, they're not synonyms. one just isn't a word.

i suddenly smell my grandmother.

this guy in the row in front of me is looking at sexy pictures of girls, not porn, but sexy pictures.. i'd never feel comfortable enough to do that in a public place like this. i admire his gusto.

under pressure.. so that's the song from adapTAtion.. i love it. and it has that copied vanilla ice riff, so i'm wondering if that's the police song (is it the police?) but it doesn't sound like sting.. or gordy... my calves are cold. i'm wearing sweat pants (fancy ones from that devil place) and a sweat shirt ($3 from a consignment shop, too cool) and socks with sandals. that's right. i'm very comfortable, but still a little cold.. it's chilly outside. nice.

alright i apparently have to go over paper thoughts here:
zeus is.. he is athletic, he is ideal warrior as beauty, fixed position, about to throw spear (or lightning bolt?) so that muscles are tensed in just the right way.. very muscular, arms way too long, hair and beard and pubic hair in perfect parallel wavy lines, stomach in symmetrical trapezoids.. what is a trapezoid again? oh yes. geometric, symmetrical, math, ratios, rational beauty.. god as man..warrior as beauty.. ok
sarra..represents Pope Innocent III's scary sermons on horrible human condition, --> plague > body as worm food, frogs as creepy creatures of that time..body as temple of god and thus is brought up on judgment day, but put thru hell during life and left to deal with physicality of death, memento mori, remembering death to prepare for inevitable..body as representing earth's vileness and corruption.. lead to conservative lifestyles..blah blah
david....alberti's "virtu" - skill, talent, fortitude, ingenuity, and the ability to determine one's destiny. strong and defined muscles, tight, veins showing, head and hands way too large, sturdy, ousting of proportion, featured, contrast with donatello's weak, featureless, girlish david..fearless, brooding, heroic proportions.. legs too short to seem in better proportion as people look up at him?

oh my god i've wasted so much time. i'm not really pressed for time, but i really wanted to be out of here by 8 or so.. maybe i still can. it's only 6:45. i bought the missy elliot cd b/c i love work it so much (she is so cool) but the rest is just bland, and she talks too much and now i feel like she's stupid.. but she has that occassional really great song and video, the song is almost half the video.. very cool. my god she's lost a lot weight, that's weird. and that today show guy too.. what's going on?

i love jerry seinfeld. i really need a car. what happened to time?

the gods are trying to bargain with me...

"don't kill yourself as a result of every republican in the country getting elected...
and we'll give you...
amazing weather"

oooo, below the belt. that's not playing fair.

news headline today "jeb has no idea how to pay for class size amendment". SIGH

it's a scary time to be an american.

i finally found donnie darko for sale at hollywood video (the best video rental store around, give them business) for $10 so i'm buying that wednesday, hurray.

and on a darker note, alan, i don't think i can make it this weekend. i probably wouldn't be able to make it til saturday and then sunday afternoon late i'm having a very early thanksgiving dinner with some friends of ours who i haven't seen in a long time that i've been really wanting to see. it's my dad's friend Bob. Bob is so cool. he's the one i had like a two hour philosophy/religion debate with that time, as our family members sat idly by, it was so great. now this angers me, i haven't seen any of my friends in a very long time and i miss you very much, i have lazy daydreams of taking walks with you around the ucf campus, i don't know why, and i also love how there are no activities planned with friends for months and then all of a sudden they're all on one weekend. ; ) but i'll see you when you come down for christmas i guess, though i will be in tulsa from dec 22-31 it looks like, and i was really looking forward to a gainesville trip which i've been craving for a while.. i need to see jessica, and i need you and axel to see jessica's house.. which i don't even think she lives in anymore. i actually have no idea where she is now. she hasn't returned my email from a month ago. i need to use the telephone. and here you're finally having an alcohol-free party and i can not come.. it is all very sad. i'm sorry.

i took my family to see Bowling For Columbine last night, and it was great, and they liked it. i heard my dad sighing loudly a few times so i was worried he was getting annoyed with the obviously liberal agenda.. but i think michael moore has finally come across the right way to the public, not as this raging liberal trying to get conservatives and a bunch of democrats, but this guy representing the people, us, he does not have alterior motives, he is not running for political office (tho i wish he would, i'd love him to be president, tho he'd never get elected because he does not obey the corporate daddies and then the public would think he was trying to get into office the whole time, which he is obviously not) - he is fighting for the poor and the downtrodden, the misunderstood, the CHILDREN.. MICHAEL MOORE IS FOR THE CHILDREN. excuse me. jeb bush is for the children, my ass.. i can't wait to vote tomorrow. i'm not sure if i should not vote for all of those other candidates because i know nothing about them, or vote for the democrats so the republicans won't have a majority in the senate.. i do not know. i'm planning on voting on a few amendments too. i hope they have explanations on the ballots. do not blindly vote, people.

ok so dad saw this tender hearted fighter last night, and he has a lot of respect for him now and i think he finally gets why i'm always preaching mooreisms. best parts of the movie: matt stone's 3 minute animated version of the history of the U.S.. hilarious; mike's interview with james nichols, asking "why not do it the way gandhi did it, he didn't use violence and he beat the british empire" and nichols saying "...i'm not familiar with that."; couple minute montage of all the times the U.S. killed people around the world in the last hundred years - killing off democratically-elected leaders if they didn't conform to their agenda, replacing them with whomever they liked, taking out any dictator they felt like, countless thousands of civilian casualties along the way, bombing iraq every week since a decade ago. jesus. hundreds of thousands of civilians killed. why??; never-released footage of the shootings at columbine, surprisingly affecting. i was really shooken up by that. it didn't seem to affect me much when it actually happened, but seeing it all before you on security cameras.. kids just eating in the cafetera, just sitting in the library, and suddenly they're like trapped rats, scared little children huddling under tables, i couldn't imagine if that had happened to me in my school. it's an extremely disturbing movie. and it's very funny. you see it and you just want to talk about it. go see it.

Triumph of Love is a great movie. it just came out on video, it has mira sorvino and the greatest living actor, ben kingsley. it is so sexy and funny and great.

finally found out stat friend's name.. aneesha.. aneesha.. i'm going to forget that so i'm putting it here because you know how i read my own writing all the time and it'll remind me.

shamika... i've just met a girl named shamika.. - that goes along very well with the west side story song. time goes by so fast, goodbye.