i'm babysitting drew's sick sister now. have you ever had a moment of shared something with a cashier at a grocery store? i had one of those today, thankfully. dr.warner wanted to take me out to lunch but i felt i really needed to get away because i'd probably freak out again and i do not have a nice calm PC way of crying.. i either tear up or i cry.. and my body does this seizure type thing that looks like hiccups and i can't control it, it takes forever for it to die down - like a little kid who's coming off of a tantrum. i looked for her for an hour and saw ms.howerton, just cuz i felt she was semiclose to dr.overbay and she could talk about it, but she so quickly dismissed it as very sad and then started advising me about career plans and college experiences, all of which seem too fucked to discuss right now, they're all very unsettled, i'm going to start counseling at school on april 16th and they'll be torn apart then. why is everyone obsessed with fixing my college/career problem? as if that is the most important thing? dr.warner said i was reacting so emotionally at something that wouldn't normally get me so worked up because of the stress piled up, which must be true, the straw that broke the camel's back? i've been waiting for that. it's not pleasant, and in front of fucking a class of high schoolers who i didn't face so i'm not sure if they noticed - i love that dr.warner has her own little office, but there's all the windows too - just paint over the goddamn lot of them. it felt really good after a while to see her classroom and see her interact with her students who all love her.. i said "don't you love your profession?" and she said she did and then that turned into "you should teach, melody". ugh

my stomach has felt achy and sore for days, the kind of feeling you get after doing a thousand crunches, which i obviously have not done, and i had fantasies last night of spontaneous internal bleeding and a sudden death like dr.overbay's and how WELCOMED that would be. just pray reincarnation is not real and hell is not real.. i don't feel like coming back and doing this shit all over again. i do not have an appreciation for life at this particular moment in time. what a relief death would be, i can't tell you. i have no desire to continue this cherade - school-work-career-home-mom-30-new career-death of someone-dating disasters-body clock stress-guilt-weddings-sex-economics-politics-growing old-retirement-dental care-body image-shit. i'm not in the mood. i don't want this. i want to be swept up in a completely bizarre lifestyle unlike anything i ever imagined. i do look forward to dogs though. and living by myself with a giant dog and decorating and reading books and finding close friends that i could sit in coffee houses with all day. i need to stop watching television.

my dad and i had a 45 minute conversation about whether or not halle berry overaccentuated the race card in her acceptance speech. i had no problem, dad had a problem for the people that have a problem. which is mildly racist. which he doesn't agree with. and i was so on the ball for the first twenty and then i died or something and the wind was ripped out of my sails and i could no longer think of words and it was if this demon had come in and gripped my neck and made me doubt myself and give up. which i ended up doing. now thinking i'm not sure if political career is right for me because all of these debates never end and i am so sick of intolerant people but that is just me being intolerant and i don't know how to stop that. and in politics you must pick a side, which means you must be against another side. but they are human too and believe just as strongly as you. it's like debating religion. is this why adults always say steer clear of religion and politics? i always liked to talk about it. but now i think i'm changed a little. i ended very quietly in our debate, because i was starting to cry a little as i always fucking do, and i mentioned a little to him about his limited love, and how my love is apparently limited too, but it doesn't bother him, and it bothers me. he didn't say anything and i didn't say anything. there's not really much to say i guess. he had mentioned that our difference of beliefs doesn't make him think less of me, but i knew i thought less of him. and i just want to sit down with ghandi and work all this out and have him tell me what needs to happen. i am intolerant person. i don't have an inner peace. i can not sit quietly and accept and be satisfied. this is another problem i don't want to live with.

i'm really exhausted. jordan's birthday is today and we have no presents for him and i'm never getting my nearly $2,000 back from dad probably and i'm going to volunteer to walk dogs at westminster and try not to think about money because when i have it i spend too much. so maybe tiny bits won't be to harmful. who cares about going to movies anymore? or renting? or eating out? or bowling or miniature golf or pool or what? i don't much anymore. my thought, when looking for calm and peace and tranquility, is always of god's hand made of water going over me from the top of my head down. and it doesn't rush off me, but it goes through me, and there is that cool sensation in my head and chest - the feeling of water is unlike anything. once i said multiple orgasms were the greatest feeling - now, and for a long time, i know that's not true.

so after a bit of wimpy crying last night about dr.overbay, i came today and am sitting in now dr. warner's office and she just witnessed me quake with tears and i have no idea where it fucking came from and i'm terribly embarrassed and she's teaching now. i think it's this on top of everything else.. and so many people seem so over it.. i am very confused. this feels very surreal. i can't celebrate anything right noww. i fucking hate crying in front of people.

i thought maybe -
maybe i'd call axel
call jessica
alan? no
cry to someone -
but i'll do it here.
my father and i are not of like mind.
and i don't think we can exist together properly - with closeness like i'd like to continue sharing and continue growing thru out my life - because of this canyon ripped out between us. maybe other people have less severe views that differ or they just never talk about serious, very serious things for fear that they'll find something absolutely awful like i keep finding with him.
almost like he's murdered someone i love or he's trying to rid the world of jews or something - but maybe the same or worse because it is such a Basic difference of thinking about the World and Life and Love and What Everything Is About.
i am here with arms widespread screaming "Love! Love everyone! What good is anything if you can't love these people? You're backwards moving in frenzies, taking back years of struggles to Be Loved and Accepted. You're not accepting. There is no love without accepting!"
i expect him to walk in now with glowing red eyes. preach against evil but then eat all the evil and shit it all over everything. Somebody hear me!!!! Where Are His Ears!? Where is the key to the boxes around them!?!
he spits at me Beasteatomy, ology, whatever - sex with animals - adultery, murder - and compares THIS with sodomy. and skips over my questions so slick and asks the same question to me over in a way that he thinks helps him but only dumbfounds me and shocks me to sadness to think he perceives things in such a way. he never truly answers a question. i ask several times - take out all the reasons for it, take out the people involved, take out the Bible, take out the comparisons, what is inherantly evil about sodomy? Never answers the question. Gives An Answer - but does not answer the question.
to think, all this time, i was grieving about his passivity - the fact that he shuts the door on all my way of thinking - sticks his fingers in his ears and refuses to listen - but all this time THIS has been boiling inside of him, this rampant fear and hatred and religious furver - FORGIVE HIM, FATHER, FOR HE HAS SINNED - this is the same seed but a worse strain. and i suppose i try to psychoanalyze him to find the root of these feelings but he won't have it, he won't give me the upper hand, won't reduce himself to the statistic, the socially-pressured, conservatively-raised little boy - won't allow himself to ASK himself WHY he feels the way he does, much less me.
and so i think automatically, i must get out, i must fly far far away into like-minded people who wash over me like peace - i think of jessica sometimes and cry because it feels SO GOOD to be around her and to be reassured of all of these beliefs that alienate me at home, these warm loving arms that hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright - through her eyes and her smile and her words, you see .. - but then if i left him he'd just be left alone to think what he thinks and never get any more exposure and who knows? in 20 years of conversations like these and daily influence i may have a massive effect on him - the simple slaying of a small boy in a bible belt town changed hundreds of people for the rest of their lives - for the GOOD of mankind - and i cry joyfully to think of that new peaceful loving tolerant, no, accepting father he will be and how glad i'll be that i stuck with it - but until then i'm crying hysterically, and on the inside when not on the outside because i'm LIVING WITH this hatred, this stench, this evil swarming around in my father's head - not only has it swallowed him, but he LIKES IT - and i feel that i'm fighting him for my brother and i'm So Worried about him when i move out and just praying to the vast empty? darkness that he's saved somehow without feeling pressured from my side.
GODDAMN IT WHY CAN'T DIFFERENT-MINDED PEOPLE CO-EXIST?!? and maybe it's all me being intolerant, but everything in me says to run from it, to reject it, to hate it. this must be what he feels too. are we both the evil then? is that just me doubting myself? if he never changes, will i have to? and if not, what then? am i destined to sever from both my parents?
i can't help but think this is all very unfair.
and thru all this i'm just crying, crying, crying.

my head is a very strange and condensed mixture of queer as folk, cigar smoke, wanting to smoke more cigars on a regular basis, and josh hartnett and shannyn sossamon getting each other off with flowers in what is without a doubt one of the sexiest scenes i've ever witnessed in a film.. more inspiration for classy porn, jot it down.. my cigar butt is in a bag in the pocket of my jacket and my hands (freezing) were always in my pocket during this movie and i kept taking my hand out and smelling it and after a while it was not nausea but some kind of good feeling..i want more i said to myself.. so this is sort of addiction.? i don't care. just reminds me that i wouldn't last a second trying to kick any real addiction, like nocotine or the like..i'm such a wimp. i cop out every single time and say "is it REALLY worth it to deny myself this?" and i conclude that it's not and that's it.. i have no self control whatsoever. there you go. jacob struble is really cool, doo dah doo dah..
i feel i slightly ignored alan.. or maybe alan thinks i slightly ignored him.. only because my attentions were stretched so with axel and juan..it's difficult.. still a little terrified of seclusion..hmmm..c'mon baby stop your crying..i love that song.
i wish axel's parents would go out of town more often so we could all spend the night there all the time.. with air conditioning and less mosquitos - look for screaming red bumps any day now.
axel, what is your favorite thing about sight?
alan, what is your favorite thing about touching?

lovemelo