i thought maybe -
maybe i'd call axel
call jessica
alan? no
cry to someone -
but i'll do it here.
my father and i are not of like mind.
and i don't think we can exist together properly - with closeness like i'd like to continue sharing and continue growing thru out my life - because of this canyon ripped out between us. maybe other people have less severe views that differ or they just never talk about serious, very serious things for fear that they'll find something absolutely awful like i keep finding with him.
almost like he's murdered someone i love or he's trying to rid the world of jews or something - but maybe the same or worse because it is such a Basic difference of thinking about the World and Life and Love and What Everything Is About.
i am here with arms widespread screaming "Love! Love everyone! What good is anything if you can't love these people? You're backwards moving in frenzies, taking back years of struggles to Be Loved and Accepted. You're not accepting. There is no love without accepting!"
i expect him to walk in now with glowing red eyes. preach against evil but then eat all the evil and shit it all over everything. Somebody hear me!!!! Where Are His Ears!? Where is the key to the boxes around them!?!
he spits at me Beasteatomy, ology, whatever - sex with animals - adultery, murder - and compares THIS with sodomy. and skips over my questions so slick and asks the same question to me over in a way that he thinks helps him but only dumbfounds me and shocks me to sadness to think he perceives things in such a way. he never truly answers a question. i ask several times - take out all the reasons for it, take out the people involved, take out the Bible, take out the comparisons, what is inherantly evil about sodomy? Never answers the question. Gives An Answer - but does not answer the question.
to think, all this time, i was grieving about his passivity - the fact that he shuts the door on all my way of thinking - sticks his fingers in his ears and refuses to listen - but all this time THIS has been boiling inside of him, this rampant fear and hatred and religious furver - FORGIVE HIM, FATHER, FOR HE HAS SINNED - this is the same seed but a worse strain. and i suppose i try to psychoanalyze him to find the root of these feelings but he won't have it, he won't give me the upper hand, won't reduce himself to the statistic, the socially-pressured, conservatively-raised little boy - won't allow himself to ASK himself WHY he feels the way he does, much less me.
and so i think automatically, i must get out, i must fly far far away into like-minded people who wash over me like peace - i think of jessica sometimes and cry because it feels SO GOOD to be around her and to be reassured of all of these beliefs that alienate me at home, these warm loving arms that hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright - through her eyes and her smile and her words, you see .. - but then if i left him he'd just be left alone to think what he thinks and never get any more exposure and who knows? in 20 years of conversations like these and daily influence i may have a massive effect on him - the simple slaying of a small boy in a bible belt town changed hundreds of people for the rest of their lives - for the GOOD of mankind - and i cry joyfully to think of that new peaceful loving tolerant, no, accepting father he will be and how glad i'll be that i stuck with it - but until then i'm crying hysterically, and on the inside when not on the outside because i'm LIVING WITH this hatred, this stench, this evil swarming around in my father's head - not only has it swallowed him, but he LIKES IT - and i feel that i'm fighting him for my brother and i'm So Worried about him when i move out and just praying to the vast empty? darkness that he's saved somehow without feeling pressured from my side.
GODDAMN IT WHY CAN'T DIFFERENT-MINDED PEOPLE CO-EXIST?!? and maybe it's all me being intolerant, but everything in me says to run from it, to reject it, to hate it. this must be what he feels too. are we both the evil then? is that just me doubting myself? if he never changes, will i have to? and if not, what then? am i destined to sever from both my parents?
i can't help but think this is all very unfair.
and thru all this i'm just crying, crying, crying.