i had no idea george harrison wrote "something" - i put that on a mixtape i made for a bubble bath - it's one of those especially sexy relaxing beautiful songs.

i'm very sad about george, but i think it's not completely about "george" - i liked him very much and saw him as the handsome one in the background who sang sometimes and was maybe the most musically talented - but it just makes me think of how huge the beatles are and how important they are and now half of them is gone - and in a couple more decades the other half will be gone and then they'll just be this memory. and so i cried a little today. because i think he's the first musician that i've cared about that's died in my lifetime. i wasn't alive for john, i wasn't aware for kurt. so i've been listening to the beatles all day and it makes me happy and sad - but it's nice to be sad about something sweetly for a change. i had no problem with george, i wish he wasn't gone, there's nowhere to go from here but up. i get to remember fondly and not wish i'd done things differently or any of that. sweet george, i smile softly at his picture on my bedroom wall. "something" really is a great song.

lovemelo

ok well here's jonah's shareboardians' ideas for alan's masturbation sign, tell me if you like any of them especially:

i think he should take a picture of himself masturbating and put it on the door when he is going to masturbate. that's my idea:)

WARNING: CLEANING PIPES, STAY OUT.

tell him to get a picture of a cat masturbating and have the caption underneath:
"[Name]'s Quality Time"

Suggestion for Alan's sign: A picture of a Naked Mole Rat.

heres my sign idea:
COME ON IN - I'M HORNY AND NEED SEX.
this should keep anyone he doesn't want in there out, and might even increase his chances of getting laid.


yeah? no? i should ask random people on the street..

lovemelo

i'm....... in the mood for luuhhhv... simply because you're near me! darling, cuz when you're near me... iiii''m in the mood for luhhhv..

there is absolutely nothing wrong in my head right now. ahh.. i'm feeling all.. post-dawson's creek, post-eddie izzard..don't have to do anything til 3:30.. ahhhh..

i'm going to deland with daddy to see jordan's soccer game - which is apparently something i enjoy doing. sure sometimes dad ignores me and talks to coach clark who is a parent and at first when they met, clark seemed too .. uh, blunt? for dad? dunno dunno.. just not typically the kind of guy he'd respond to. then he states "i'm from northland!" and DING DING DING dad's eyes light up and POOF there's a blossoming friendship. and that's all funny to me. the things we connect over.. doesn't necessarily say anything about who we are.. you're from boston?! i'm from boston too! ohhh!(kiss kiss kiss)

hahah.. the last game i was really at was at lake howell with the CIRCLE X (was that what it was called?) and i walked by it several times and snickered to myself.. ohh fun memories.

sexual activity in public places is apparently a big turn-on for me. that dangerousity of "we shouldn't be doing this here!" (dramatic GASP! hand over mouth in sarcastic british "oh that's naughty!"ness)

did anyone understand that?


and this makes me a little worried that i'll not be able to enjoy sexual activity in private places with no threat of getting caught or what have you.. oh yknow that's probably not true. it kind of represents youth - that kind of situation where you're all in a room watching a movie and two of you are trying very subtly to do things under a blanket (yes i'm reminded by actual recent incidents) - that's sexy. there's something about that. DANGA! yes

alright, here we go, i've downloaded the entire strokes album.. i need a cd to burn it onto.. i used up all of those cds like 2 days after we got them (we're talking like twenty here).. i enjoy the strokes. i like that there's a studio version of "last nite" on the album (because see the video is live music, neato, yes i know) - and i know they are completely stealing from the "70s" (see i hear 60s - i see/hear the rolling stones when they first came out, that's exactly what the video looks like, though maybe the music is very different.. well it is a bit.. ok) and their daddies are rich fashion industry people so they get all the filthy-style designer clothes and whatnot but hey.. i don't care. i enjoy the music. yes i do. and the guitar player on the far right in the last nite video is like.. new york summed up in a person to me. he looks like he belongs in Taxi.. does anyone else see that?

so it was the magic concert-premiere-on-HBO night one night and i turn to see britney spears, and here she is stripping off clothes and humping dancers and (not singing) and getting all wet from this magical shower that's coming down from the ceiling. okee dokee. and then i flip and see madonna, and here she is in regular clothes with no one else on stage and belting out as good as she can with an acoustic guitar in the middle of the stage with a little spotlight and a video playing above her - and the crowd's singing along and it's great. so we have that interesting difference. artist/slutbag. yes.

oh my goodness before i keep forgetting it - alan you must see this basement jaxx video for "where's your head at?", it's hilarious and freaky and you'll just love it.. monkeys! monkeys turned from people! monkeys playing instruments and singing! it's terrifying! haha

over and out.

lovemelo

there is never-ending love for alan

i want to press my hands against his head and his heart and speak about what a beautiful person he is. look at how we are connected, even still - look at the years and what we still have, all of this - we still think the same things at the same times. i'm astounded. thank you for him.

eddie izzard is the funniest person on earth. and here is what i mean: (imagine it with a british accent, it's funnier that way)

Cats and dogs are very interesting with human beings, cos we have a pet relationship with them. And we are the only animals that do this, you know, giraffes do not have pet gazelles.
"Gazelle... go and run... in Africa!" No, they don't say that.
And we have pets because they lower our blood-pressure. This is apparently officially it, they lower our blood-pressure. And... I don't know quite how they do that... eh... you sort of, you stroke them, you go to sleep and while you are asleep the dog puts one of those big puffy-things on your arm and goes
(tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh... tsssssss... tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh... tsssssssss.)
"It's one-eighty over sixty!"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know! I'm a dog!"
(tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh... tsssss)
Actually, when doctors do that - they take your blood-pressure - they're not actually taking blood-pressure, they're just mucking around with this. They've actually got a jumpy-spider behind your back and that's what they've got ... cos I saw one once. "You've got a jumpy-spider behind my back!"
He said, "Yeah, that's what we do. It's a jumpy-spider time. All in the jumpy-spiders, the jumpy-spiders. (pt-a-sht-a pt-a-sht-a) It's true!
Yeah, so, anyway that's what they do. You ... em, dog takes your blood-pressure and you fall asleep, and the cat drains all the blood from your body, and sells it to one of those mobile blood-banks. That's why, sometimes, you wake-up feeling all anaemic and seeing your cat and dog counting out fivers, as a van pulls off. Have you ever had that?
Well, I don't know, they lower our blood-pressure. You stroke a dog; dog's go (Yowl). And cat's go (Prrrrrrrrrrrrr). Because they're drilling! aren't they, that's what they are doing. Ah, drilling. They drill for gold, they drill for oil, they drill for anything just for the love of drilling. When you're behind... they're behind your sofa, they're just drilling. (Prrrrrrrrr) They've got goggles on, it's okay! (Prrrrrrrrr).
There's a compressor over there. (Prrrrrrrrr).
Your friends come in:
"I think your cat's drilling behind your sofa!"
"I don't think so! That's, that's purring that noise, isn't it? Cat's, are you drilling?"
And the cat hears this and whips off the goggles, and says, "No, no, no, no! Drilling? no, no! No, I'm a cat. How would I know how to drill? That's purring, you're thinking of there. Yeah, purring! Oh yes, purring. I'm having a good old purr back here. No drilling. No, no! Okay."
(Prrrrrrrrrr. Prrrrrrrrrr.)
Sometimes they drill forty... forty, fifty feet, you know, down; just for the hell of it.


i will buy his book the next time i remember to do it. from one of his sites i found a little Ewe N. Mcgregor to download and it's this little tiny sheep that jumps around and makes funny faces while you're doing whatever on the computer and you can make doubles of him so soon you can have a little herd of insane sheep and they're adorable and endlessly entertaining.

i saw the icarus line tonight, crazy panic rock at sapphire and had many many staring at bryce moments (as well as many friday night - this has been a sapphire week - 3 times gone in one week, mhm) and he videotaped their performance so i felt nice like "oh here is a band i like and so does he, finally" because he seems to ignore most of the bands i go there to see. i should've known this was a hip band. they're the buddyhead poster band. their guitarist is one of the co-founders. aaron icarus. and travis keller is the other. and i spied him with my little eye and thought "hm, he's strangely good-looking, and i am not even remotely as cool as him and i'm quite intimidated". he looks a bit like tom from blink 182 but more attractive. so he talked to lots of people and when the icarus line threw their stuff down and walked off stage after like 4 songs (without notice, it was classic) i went over to buy the cd and talk to travis and magically i did and i think i shook his hand when he was really just asking for the money and i've been silly and overanalyzed the experience later at home and got embarrassed when i'm sure he didn't notice anything. but apparently there's something like 120,000 readers of buddyhead. that's pretty fucking rock n roll. and he was surprisingly soft-spoken and kind - he's such a badass on buddyhead. so hurray for travis keller and hurray for the icarus line (who dressed alike in super-kill-rock all-black with red ties) and hurray again and again for buddyhead, the most entertaining thing on the web. hurray.

lovemelo

four weddings and a funeral was great. i love british humor. but it made me cry. who knew the funeral in a british comedy would be an actual sad funeral? it's another movie where we see a group of very close and longtime friends and i think that you could handle anything if you had something like that. it's the being alone that really makes everything the more unbearable. to have great friends that you see often and have seen you through so much and that you feel completely comfortable around, like family - i think that may be all you need.

the foo fighters are so emo, it's hilarious. not the actual fact, but the reaction the world would have if they realized it, given the current connotations that follow "emo" around. ha. listen to the song about the generator on the new album, and listen to #10 on the color and the shape and you'll hear that very familiar emo-climax/feeling. if you're familiar with it, that is. did i tell you i bought the color and the shape finally? it's so incredibly wonderful. in my head everlong is one of the greatest songs of all time. the foo fighters have a very special pure wonderful kind of rock n roll and it never fails to bring me to a great place. they're fantastic.

i finally had a moment with my mother at the hospital where i wasn't absurdly sad and choking to get out of the room. first i wanted to, but then she woke up and after a little bit of painful silences something switched over and my brother and i started joking and somehow incorporated my grandmother and mom into it and got her magically to yell which is not yelling by our standards at all, just speaking normally.. you see we have been hardly able to hear anything she says and i finally felt like breaking out and getting something out of her. who cares what all of this means and has been and will be? just find a carefree moment and go with it. right. so we actually spent a little bit of time with her and ran around the hospital with her in the wheelchair (it should be called Jesus' Hospital, i swear.. that fucking guy is EVERYWHERE - oh look, jesus playing with sheep, jesus sitting amongst adam and eve and various animals, jesus hugging a child in heaven.. jesus). so apparently it'll take her somewhere from 6 months to a year to be able to really function properly and live on her own.. to be able to walk and all of that. so she'll go to oklahoma and be cared for by my grandmother who has gone through way too fucking much to imagine (two children lost in the same year a couple years back, this child the way she is, a mother who's dying but tormenting her as much as possible before she goes, siblings who are always ill and on the brink of death... jesus again) and mother may never be able to dance again, and i think she knows that.. and these are all here swarming around. no maybe she'll recover fully and five years from now she'll be the exact same person she was before all of this. and i'll go back to avoiding her and trying to find some way to not feel guilty about every little mother-related thing.

there's some sex show on hbo right now.. i should probably go watch it. ta

i get to see cat power tonight with jenn whom i haven't seen in yeahs and yeahs. i finally bought a cat power cd last night while driving around all over town looking for a movie that apparently doesn't exist because stardust doesn't even have it - but i had such a craving for comedy and this one looked especially funny (it's called St. Ives - don't bother looking for it, again, it doesn't exist) because it's a period piece comedy.. i think early 1800s.. and the duels are hilarious and the courting is hilarious and everything.. at least according to the trailer i saw before some other movie i'd rented. there is apparently a st. ives from 1976 with charles bronson that is found in the ACTION section but it is not at all what i was looking for. so i settled on what i thought would be a steamy homoerotic turkish film called.. Steam and a romanticish comedy i'd been eying for a while called I love you, Don't touch me. Steam was horrible and boring and i fast forwarded thru it to get to the good parts, which there were none really. i'm confused. well after watching bedrooms and hallways for about the fourth time on hbo i'm getting to love stories about gay men.. so i want some more. because it's apparently like straight men and lesbians. mhm. hot stuff.

i tried posting something the other day at a local library and it promptly erased it so i'm at the ucf library before film class, the last class til next week, where i hope i'll finally get to see You Can Count On Me again, and i wanted to say this whole thing about Waking Life and how profoundly affecting it was.. but in that erased piece i wrote i had forgotten again to write about this bizarre habit i have of feeling out-of-body as bonnie once complained of being stricken with in our freshman year. i kind of like it though. it's a realization while something is going on that you are actually participating in that something... it's hard to explain. like when i pet my cat i don't think "i'm petting my pet cat, shadow", i'm just petting shadow, who i hardly notice is a cat because he's been around me so long and i feel like i know him and he has a personality. which of couse he does. this is the same for all animals i have for a while, though, this is not the best example. the best example was the night i met Eli. Eli is a thousand foot tall skinny 22-year-old black guy that bonnie introduced me to. we were getting along Smashingly (i feel incredibly british lately) and getting to know one another in a slightly flirtacious way.. it was very strange. that feeling of fnally meeting a very new and different person when i hadn't in so long and being strangely connected with that person right away, like you see on tv.. we had kind of paired off at Kobe's and then when we all went back to his apartment he and i went out the back porch and sat across from each other in lawn chairs and he told me his life story. and it was shocking - lots of drugs and jail and sex and murder and insanity (not all by him) - and i just sat there wide-eyed for most of it and i kept seperating myself from the moment and realizing i was really talking to eli here on this porch at like 4 in the morning and there is a different way you see things when you're just in the moment and when you're realizing you're in the moment. i wasn't not paying attention.. i was just overly aware of what was happening. i'm not sure if it was just because it was that time of night or what. no i guess not because i've done it lots of other times. i don't know. try it sometime. i'm not sure if it's normal. but take yourself out of some something that you're doing or watching or experiencing and realize for a second what you're really doing. this probably sounds like bullshit. how do you convey feelings with words?

it's as if we're asleep most of our waking life and we're just doing things and we're not really aware we're doing them on any kind of real level.

i miss...
bus rides

lovemelo

i get into these discussions/aaaaarguments with my dad about christianity and i can never seem to explain my position correctly. i hardly blame him for thinking i'm just being a teenager and rebelling against norms and all that. i fear very much getting into a Real discussion about anything with him because i get overemotional and start to cry when i still have so much to say, but my heart overflows with all of this that i want him to understand and most of the time i don't want to go through the gruelling process so i just don't try. i don't know why i do that. maybe it's because i don't cry at other things people typically cry about. i'm not sad, i'm desperate. i desperately care about people and things and life and i want everything to just be ok and for everyone to just be ok and i see so much in this bible that stands in front of that, not letting it get through, not letting it try, and there's all of these backwards hypocritical motions that no one talks about and fucking evolution is here ! what is that? how do you explain that? but i fear talking about it because i don't want some big conspiracy to come and wack me over the head even though this is not news. how do any scientists have any religious faith? yknow i know they do, because there are so many variations of people that i've not met and they're all out there in this "real world" that i'm not a part of yet and my family is just one of a million states of minds that exist and i'm only shown them and i can't seem to get out of this little world. ten years from now man. ten years from now i'll look back at them and laugh at what little they were and how much there was and how many chances there were for me to fit in. i can't wait to fit in.

i know that with the proper means it'd be very easy to escape from all of this war stuff. i could very easily do that. tibet. no one would bomb tibet. i've been driving around in my dad's car lately while mom's car is being fixed and now i love his car, even though it's white, and i filled it up with gas and i had my classic rock on and the windows down and i felt i could very easily just run away. i wouldn't want to steal my dad's car though. i've thought of running away so many times in the past month. this is a good time to move to malta.

jon stewart is so refreshing. i love him endlessly. i detect no corruption or agenda in him and i'd stake a lot on that. and i pride myself on reading people but i've always had a realistic terror of things that we could never imagine and so then the possibility of corruption in the least likely of places. so if jon stewart ends up being evil, shoot me, i'll never know anything. i'll never know anything ever again. it's all over. robert downey jr. is a good heart who makes good important things like the last party which i watched tonight which dealt with all types of issues in and around the '92 presidential election and the bullshit overflowing from both sides, obviously on the republican side (and god how i'm terrified when i see them chanting and bush saying 'take a second and think about all we've accomplished' and the eyes burn at that) and sneakily on the democratic side (none of it's real). and neither is better than the other. they are both equally shit. and there is no choice. and there is no freedom. and this is america. take it off your bumper stickers. i get overwhelmed with all that robert showed me, not just partisan shit, just different people with different views, and abortion and the ripping it's doing in my head because i hate it so much but pro-choice is not the same as pro-abortion and there are people there who are against abortion, but for choice, and maybe that is the way to be and i just can't tell. because there's so much evil in it. and i say that it can not be legal because of our laws concerning murder in general but maybe it's all just another way to force morals on people, which is ever the last thing i could want to do.. i know only this: what is now is wrong. i'm paralyzed by all the sides.

mmoomm si lanoisullid. mom is dillusional. she is awake for days now and not remembering what she did or what's going on and rambling sometimes incoherantly about a story about a ship with the blonde roommate from dawson's creek and pneumonia and a boat house and all of this shit that maybe she dreamt in the coma and MAYBE believes but maybe it's to hide from us and protect herself. she said the other day "i'm not depressed" and we suspected. and then she said something about that she knows what she did and she's not going to do it anymore, she doesn't have the strength anymore. there is some muscle deterioration and she can't control her legs sometimes so she can't walk and her upper lip is larger and higher for some reason and she talks in a completely different voice and for the first day i thought she might've been exorcised or some bizarre k-paxian thing but now i see it's coming back to her even though she calls sometimes and says so many things i don't understand and calls me amber and says she remembers jordan and likes him, that he's cute, like he's something else besides her son, and i don't know what's real here. and the first day there was a kind of hope. we were all happy suddenly because here was this almost dead woman suddenly alive and looking at us and talking to us and ohrememberme but it wasn't this evil thing it was this new thing and we were all so relieved it wasn't the old her that we took the insanity and smiled. and then it hit me like this ton of bricks and i couldn't stay in the room with her long, i'd start tearing up, i couldn't take this person in this hospital bed. i want a real evil person more than this crazy person staring widely from, in my head, the grips of a straight jacket in some mental ward.. weekly visits.. christ. she has a phone now and i can't take her calling here i can't talk to her it makes me hyperventalate or something and i wish she could be restricted. i can't go visit her anymore but i don't want her to be all alone for entire days with nothing but a rotational nurse and a tv and
oh god it's like she is this dead thing. but she hasn't fully died. here she comes. back she'll be taken back to tulsa i guess whenever released and my grandmother is coming down wednesday and so dad must leave our home and i'll have the car back and i have no idea how things'll be but it''s very frightening. i need to run away right about now. or die or something

film, don't know what to think of it, don't know what to take in classes next year, don't know what i want to do with my life and that's not acceptable when i'm at this stage and i can't do anything about it. where is all the stress going? where is it all going? jordan gets sick. i'm not getting sick. i have my vitamin c. where will it wind up catching up with me? am i going to collapse of heart failure in a year? please? is god and all of it just a fairy tale? i imagine the other planets looking at us and giggling at our absurd belief systems. i really need a therapist or something. i don't see how insurance will find a good enough one. and i don't know if i can come up with the money. i feel so dead right now. the weeks just go by and suddenly it's friday again and i can get my paper and plan my movies or concerts for the weekend or month and then it just goes and then it's friday again and nothing has happened. i'd stop reading now if i were you.

i wanna get high. i wanna get drunk. get laid. i want to be a stupid teenager. i want to regress back to shit. i want to be a caveman. paint on walls.

sometimes we kiss, cos it's nice to be kissed, a hand through your hair, the small of your back, stuttered breaths and fingertips, is there nothing as pure as an innocent kiss?, just for the feeling of knowing that someone would kiss you if you asked them to, but when i kiss you something moves, in the pit of my stomach, eyes stay closed, and this kiss, this innocence, flashes brilliance, so kiss me once more, and just so you know, i would kiss you, if you asked me to.. the "small" part might be a typo, meaning "smell", but i like small too.. the small of the back is a good part of the back. that poem written by a shareboardian named jason is still taped next to the roses on my wall that i don't know why i have hanging anymore. why do girls keep their roses? a lot of my room is just kept up because there's nothing new to put up, even though there have been new things recently and they've replaced old things, instead of covered them up like i did with so many shareboard poems that used to be up.. so that once you could peal back layers of my room and reveal the me's of the past. they were all me.

always quit before you think it's time to quit.

hey. everything's going to be ok.

lovemelo

so tired. there's a lot to complain about so i don't think this is going to be very long.. got to figure out a way to get past everything. everything. so so tired

mom's apparently fine. she's recovering and off the respirater and i can't decide what to feel about that but it looks like whenever she wakes up i have to find some way to avoid real conversation with her so she doesn't understand whatever it is i'm going through and i figure i can do that since i've done it well enough with all other family members. except of course for dad who i never seem to give up on but still disappoints me every single time i try to relay some deep thought to him about anything. never the response i want, ever. it's this relentless game. the car is still in the shop and i miss it TERRIBLY because of the freedom it gives me. there have been so so many times the past few days where i felt so trapped in dad's car.. i just want to stop hearing about it, but i can't go anywhere when we're in a moving car and he gets a call and has to tell the story all over again. i can't go anywhere. and i can't go anywhere really now. christ i need a car.

so the family is thinking of making all these arrangements to move mom up to oklahoma again to stay in some facility or with some family member that restricts her in similar ways because she can't find help here because she has no support because we can't have anything to do with her because it's too fucking hard and i'm just trying not to think about the sadness of a woman with such a fucking horrible life, more horrible than any i can imagine, really, so that she tries to kill herself but then all these fucking people say "no hon, can't do that.. come back here" and then she gets to wake up to all the shit she knew before only worse now because she's going to be treated like a child/mental patient, taking away all her rights and pleasures i'm sure for some time, maybe until the end. i will not involve God in all this. what is God anyway?

this is so fucked up i can't even think

i think i'm choking

you know that feeling right before you start to cry where there's the lump in your throat and your face feels really hot and your eyes start to burn? i think it might've just been installed in me permanently.

i'm so disappointed in just about everyone i know and don't know.

i'm singin in the rain, just singin in the rain, what a glorious feeling, i'm happy again...

how many times have i stood in the rain and sang that song? countless times. and it never fails to make me feel good. and maybe i was hysterical, but it did it for me again today, standing outside florida hospital waiting for the valet guys to bring my dad's car that's no more than a hundred yards away that i feel i should be walking towards instead of waiting for..

what a fucked up day. i study study study for a sociology exam i was supposed to take today and then dad calls me and says mom "tried to do harm to herself again" this morning and was found curled up in the backseat of a car in the driveway of previous boyfriend, dwayne deville (interesting name, hm?) and she's at florida hospital "in critical condition" and i say "well i have an exam, i have to go to class" (see i've been through all this before) but he says that it's worse this time, that she may be dying or may have already died. and then that tired sigh. here we go again.

well i guess this time was a little different. she left notes for several people, she's never done that before. she didn't make some theatrical display beforehand to allude to the fact that she was about to do something. and now she actually is in critical condition at florida hospital.. tubes in her and everything, in a coma. well then. so we finally get up there and for once all eyes and attention is on me because i seem to be the next of kin (along with her mother?) and i can't stop thinking how fucked up this is, yeah i've always wanted attention but when i finally get it it's like this?! "sign these papers, we'll do more tests, she's just hanging on, we don't know which way she'll go at this point". ok. first i think i'm making the life or death decision and i'm out of my fucking head because these people are standing around me waiting for answers and here's my family and my heart says let her die and am i going to sound like a fucking monster to these people? i kept thinking i should ask to talk to whoever alone but i never got the words out. dad still talks for me, ha. well it isn't the life or death decision, it's just more tests, more tubes. whatever.. they're talking to my grandmother on the phone and let me talk to her and she's all crying saying she doesn't know what to do and debi wasn't in her right mind (but she never is) and she doesn't want to be a vegetable and we've got to do anything we can to save her. jesus fucking christ. my mother is a fucking moron. pills again. always pills. she's failed so many times this way and she still doesn't learn. shoot yourself in the head, jump off a building, hang yourself.. something that works almost every time! christ! now it's happening all over again and as fucking frightening it is to have her strangely the closest to death than she's ever been.. the worst possible outcome here would be if she recovered and walked out of there and back into our lives so we could start the ride all over again. i don't think i can start the ride all over again. she needs to go. it's better for her, it's better for us, it's better for the world. she wanted to die, she's going to continue to want to die, she'll try it again and again until it finally happens, it might as well happen now.

i can't imagine how vicious this sounds. and my dad, the ever-positive when it comes to the grand scheme says life is always the best choice, but i'm sorry, i'm not sure anyone in the world understands my mother like i do, but she will never get better, she will never be happy, i have lost all hope. and for me that takes a lot.

it was very disturbing seeing her lying on that bed. it feels like she's already gone but she's just lingering over to torture a little more.. like "i'm pretty much gone, but not completely dead, so you'll have to feel like shit a little longer until you finally get word that i've died when you'll REALLY feel like shit and then it'll haunt you for the rest of your life." well joy.

my god, these eyes of these doctors and nurses all standing there looking at me waiting for me to decide to sign and i just look at all them and laugh for a second and i think the doctor thought i was cracking up and said "you're overwhelmed.." and i suppose that was it. of course i thought the life of a person was in my hands, and it still might be. and that's completely fucked up. and wouldn't it just work out that way. so i got a bunch of bullshit in my ear and then i asked jordan, and poor jordan, so solemn, calmly said we should help her because if we can do anything, we pretty much should, or whatever words he used, it was so innocent.. so i agreed and i kept saying to myself "fine fine, yes i will not be responsible for the death of my mother. that will not happen." but maybe it will, fuck if i know. (well here's more of my life paralleling to dawson's creek, axel). so here's the guilt that's going to come back. and maybe it was my destiny to have it.. because i rarely feel badly about my actions.. i always make up excuses for myself.. and this might be the one big end all be all event where everyone tries to talk me out of the guilt but i feel it forever anyway.. and i'm just predicting, none of this has happened.. but i know her family would always blame me. these silly stupid people with their silly stupid hopes. they have no idea. alright i'm exhausted. i can't believe it finally might be happening.. i'd kind of given up on it, since it never seemed to work.. maybe she's finally done it. i'll tell you if she dies. CHRIST THAT SOUNDS SO COLD and i can't explain this, it kind of is, but there is so much more, it fucking hurts but i can't do anything here i mean.. i am not a monster. please believe me. there are so many good intentions.. it's so fucking hard ok i can't talk about this anymore

another thing about growing up: halloween means absolutely nothing to me anymore. if i lived alone i probably would've forgotten about it altogether.

my father is urging me to DO SOMETHING and spark up my life a little (a lot) and i agree completely but it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do. beginning things is damn near impossible in my head. and that's why i don't start many things. but i really need to and would like to. i think i need to cut out some rotting portion of my life and center myself somehow and write something, a screenplay, something, and have it be really really good. and then work from there. at the least it would give me satisfaction that i'd created and completed something and give me a point to go from and at the most i could sell it to some industry type for a million dollars (that really happens, which is why i'm not laughing). so anything between there and there would be fantastic, don't you think? i jotted down a few film ideas for the distant future in my 3-dimensional journal and they are as follows: 1) that one about the mary kay lady, 2) an elderly couple runs away together, 3) girl-obsessed-with-boy-slightly-autobiographical something. but none of these sound like a good idea for a first try at a screenplay.. the first would have to have some great comedy and i very severely doubt my ability to write comedy. the second seems a little dull laying around in my head right now, even though it could be a darling movie.. i just don't have a grasp of what it's really about right now. and the third is a little too generic.. so. i need new ideas, and i'm not asking for them, i'm just stating that i need them. if i use someone else's idea it won't be fully my own work and that'll bother me forever. so then.

TIGERLAND.
go rent it. it's fantastic. it's about what happens to boys training to go into vietnam. it's very very interesting and thought-provoking and funny and gripping and wonderfully-done. colin farell is a sexy (very sexy) irishman playing a texan who is this hero among the boys because he's a rebel and he doesn't believe in what they're doing but he's smart enough not to get in too much trouble and smart enough to get who really needs to get out of the war out and gives the right advise and gets away with just enough... he's great. he's a hero. it's a wonderful wonderful film and it should be seen by everyone. so go.

i originally thought to look for it because it was directed by joel schumacher who i recently read, to my chagrin, is creating a film version (or at least trying) of jack kerouac's On the Road. well shit. that was supposed to be my great daunting task as a future film maker and i would make history or some such thing. and then he goes and takes it away from me. and i can't do it after him, because that's a remake of a remake and that's just shit. shit. so i kind of hate him, but now i kind of love him because of tigerland, so i have a little bit of a hope that his On the Road will be very good.

i bought many many sweater type articles of clothing today and i love them so i'm dying for winter now. and i got a trash can. and i've never had my own trash can. so it's a big deal. i'm very happy about it. and i finally bought a book case type thing. it's really just a tall narrow ornamental shelf looking thing but i figure i could fit all my books on it, and i can, and it's a lovely lovely sight with all my books that are not dumb, no no, they're very good. and it's a fine fine collection for the tender age of 18. and looking at them all on my new shelf thing makes me very happy. the idea of getting my own apartment or home or whathaveyou and then getting to FURNISH it gets me very very excited. so now i figure i'm probably more materialistic than i try to be.

ok i downloaded the new system of a down record and burned it on a nice little cd (did i tell you i got a cd burner? it's very convenient.. driving is that much happier now) and i like some of it a lot and the rest of it a little. the ones i like a lot are prison song, chop suey, toxicity, aerials.. and i think one more that i can't think of. oh, forest. because they have softer parts in them, more melodic parts. and the rest don't really, and that's ok, i don't get annoyed with it, i just don't care enough to listen. but of course we do get used to things. but i still would really like to see serj start some softer side project so his voice can fully be appreciated. actually just to appease me. is that so much to ask? he's grrrrreat.

"black is the light that shines on my path. black is the color of freedom." text is so fucking awesome.

if i am ever a singer i will have three buxom black ladies backing me up. they seem to complete everything, don't they?

lovemelo