wow the donnie darko site is so cool - smurfs, yeah. have i mentioned how in lust with jake gyllenhaal i am? but The Good Girl is a horrible movie, don't see it, jennifer aniston is reduced to a whore who just goes along with her miserable life and jake, in the end, is immature and obnoxious. it is depressing. i long to see lovely and amazing, which sounds a little bit like my life. and perhaps is not so depressing. i rented donnie darko again because i really felt like watching it again.. and it is so so good i want to buy it but i can't find it.. definitely in top 15 or so. have since bought the graduate, so one favorite movie down, two to go. (plus bought life is beautiful, which haven't revisited yet, but looking forward to it.. what a happy movie that hopefully won't give me a nervous breakdown again)

an american in paris, a gene kelly film, is pretty great. i didn't know it won best picture and choreography and screenplay and costume and such that year.. wow. the costumes really are amazing. great dance routines. gene kelly - who could ask for anything more?

in the middle of fourth james dean book. it is not a hysterical infatuation, no not at all - it's well beyond physical attraction, which has not increased, but if anything dwindled just a tiny bit now that i know him like the back of my hand. i'm sure if i'd met him the words "get over yourself" would've come out of my mouth.. but i still have a motherly affection for him. he is much less a mysterious sexual being and much more a complex, if childish, young man. he's inspired my english paper this term, which is to be on any culture from any time period i think, to be on american teenagers in the 1940s and '50s. i want to lift the idealistic veil and show it for the confused, violent, myopic time it was - teetering on the edge of an amazing change in the country.. and then there's james dean. i look forward to writing this paper.

my english class is amazing. my professor, mr. fleming, is incredibly smart and interesting.. i called him riveting and i hope he heard me. it's so refreshing after plain boring - to - overly sarcastic, into-themselves professors. my god, my humanities prof, of the second type, is completely unfunny even though he really thinks he is, he wears gold chains and hawaiian-esque shirts and features a homosexual mustache a la magnum P.I./70's era. wow. what a goofball. so is neil diamond, but i love "sweet caroline". HANDS, touching hands.. reaching out!.. touching me!... TOUCHING YOU!!!!! hahahah

ucf is still evil and the drama has not yet ended, but at least i see the light at the end of the tunnel... thru hell there is redemption.

a good quote from Rebel: the life and legend of james dean by donald spoto: " 'Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.' Jean Kerr"

well i was wrong about james a little.. i succumbed to the lazy gossip of other authors, darn it. his early mentor was not a predator - he was a good person and james had a real relationship with him, sexual and all, and a year later another simultaneous real relationship with liz sheridan, complete with love, and the balance of the two was unbeknownst to both of them and i'm sure fairly stressful for him - and thus, afterwards, he made a point to keep a distinct line between all of the people in his life lest they should overlap and reveal different sides of james to each other.. what a tangled web. i urge you all to rent East of Eden as quickly as possible.. a great great movie, and he IS Cal Trask.. so you can feel like you know him a little after you watch it too.

after so much walking and waiting, i am tired, and need to rest before venturing out to english in 20 minutes. goodbye.

could someone tell me how to add links to my site here? i'd finally like to. thank you.

Tadpole is a really great movie.. i am in love...with it and with star aaron stanford.

UCF can eat the shit off of roadkill on a very fast-moving patch on I-4. they are the biggest bitches i've come across in my life and they may be responsible for an anurism i'm developing. put it on my tombstone. i am seriously so mad right now i have to resort to humor to save my life and the life of this computer sitting in front of me.. which is not mine..

if i wanted to be buried, which i don't, i'd want on my tombstone something that was ludicrous and hilarious, like on gene hackman's in the royal tenenbaums (another really really wonderful movie, the more i see it) - it was something like "killed while heroically saving tiny children from a sinking battleship". hahahaha

FUCK I HATE YOU UCF i'm getting a twitch. why does no one answer calls on weekends? are people not ALIVE on weekends?? are people not in need of ANY SERVICE WHATSOEVER ON WEEKENDS>!!?? do people not change their minds about their careers and need to redo entire schedules you fuckers who may give me less pell grant money for stepping over the allowed amount of changes to schedules and thus dealing me a crippling blow, more crippling than you can fathom in your tiny little heads you assholes who have no brain to speak of and what's left of it throbs every day, dying to relieve itself of supporting such a RIDICULOUS WASTE OF HUMAN FLESH>>>> AHHHH


does anyone in the world know how to help me enroll in more classes now that the add/drop/withdraw deadline has apparently passed or some shit? i emailed for an "immediate" answer and it says it'll get here "within 2 business days", well thanks, charlie, but by then the dumbfucks at financial aid could assume something entirely different than WHATS GOING ON and screw up a little piece of my life for me, but thank you anyway for responding in such a speedy manner, going out of your way on an obvious work holiday that appears each week that we call "weekend".. thank you so much.


christ.

what is it about James Dean?


he's a phenomenon.. like capri pants. the guy only starred in three films, where he was good but sort of mimicking brando, his idol, said most people around him then. he was a troublemaker, he was egotistical, he was tortured.. he had the weirdest death.. he was crazy about racing cars and was said to be a great driver, winning three trophies even though he'd never raced before - and then on a lost highway in the middle of nowhere he zooms down with a mechanic friend and an intersecting street has another car who sits, doesn't go, but sits there at the stop sign, aware of dean, and then as dean approaches closer the other car creeps out into a left turn.. dean collides into him and is killed almost instantly, the other two walk away. what? this was not suicide, though i suspected at first. this was a ridiculous little event that happened to change everything. and now girls have his poster on their walls, his calendars sell out, his picture is in a frame in the women's bathroom at enzian.. he is this mysterious cult icon of rebellion and beauty.. it's hard to wrap my head around. why are we still talking about him? why am i so interested in him? i'm finishing my third book on him so far, and they've all been very telling.. by people who knew him and made love to him and all that. he was said to be gay by a lot of people.. but he wasn't really, he loved a few girls very much, one of them wrote a book about their love, liz sheridan, who plays jerry seinfeld's mother. i know. but he slept with a few guys too, his early mentor who was more of a predator than a friend, a few people to get up in the business, (he seemed to only care about getting ahead in the industry, he used just about everyone, they didn't hate him, they got what they wanted, he got what he wanted), this friend of his for a while in '53, two years before he died, who wrote a book about it, which i'm reading now.. but that wasn't for the industry or pressure or anything, james even suggested it.. he thought it was like going to the extent of a friendship, or going right beyond, having a moment with a person without really being a homosexual.. it was experimentation that came in waves.. never really talked about between them, there would just be this rush of energy between them and it would happen. the guy is happily married now.. i don't know what to say about that. and i don't know what to say about james. everyone who knew him called him jimmy but i can't stop calling him james. james is a very beautiful name, the more i think about it. he was only 5'8. he was nuts about bullfighting. he spent his entire $21,000 salary from Giant to buy his death car, a porsche spyder. his name became famous only a few months before his death.. two of his only three films weren't even released when he died. the first was rereleased, it having suffered horribly at the box office after first opening.. it was East of Eden, still my favorite. he's great in it. all three Rebel Without a Cause stars died mysteriously.. Natalie Woods' pallbearers were Rock Hudson, Elia Kazan (director of Eden, On the Waterfront, and A Streetcar Named Desire), Gregory Peck, Fred Astaire, and a two other huge names i've forgotten. how bizarre. she had a huge crush on james but he treated her like a little girl (which he called liz sheridan) so she had a simultaneous affair with the director, nicholas ray, and then unknown talent, dennis hopper, who was in two of james' major films and wrote a very interesting introduction about him in the second book i read called James Dean: Behind the Scenes, a book mainly of pictures and old western union messages, production notes, telling me interesting details like Elizabeth Taylor got $175,000 for Giant.. that was the $20 million salary of yesteryear.

but it still blows my mind that james has woven himself so completely into our culture after having done so little.. is it just something we award anyone who dies young? i don't know, but i don't think we can shake him.