Identity was very cool, i'm not sure how cool yet, but it's better than most. go see it.

lol.."post-shower" would've been the operative word to use in the beginning of the below post. oh boy.

so i heard the deftones' minerva in full tonight on the radio as i was laying on my bed naked under the fan trying to un-moisten. cool air on naked body + deftones = goooood. they are a stupendous band and i am so glad i met them and have stayed a fan over the years. i can not wait til the new album - when is arrival date again?

i bought and played UNO today for the first time in years - i was obsessed with getting it since sunday and now i've played myself out and am tired of it. there is something to be said for delayed gratification. i did that with dawson's creek today (well actually i just was more anxious to play UNO first) and it was damn good. i think maybe no one reads this thing anymore except people who hide in the shadows.

i still miss tyran. all these years later. he still floats in my head with this holy glow, i've completely idolized him, he is flawless in this blurry memory i have of him. everytime i pass winter springs blvd on tuscawilla i glance down and see the corner of his house. i always look for that giant beat-up SUV on the road that i saw him driving away in at that metalfest a couple years or so ago at rumors. he's graduating high school this year. ; ) i know. i want to go to his graduation, or maybe stand outside after it's over and bump into him. or send him a letter of congradulations with a "call me sometime". or knock on his front door. "hey, now you're legal." and we'd laugh. i tried apologizing to him at rumors but he wouldn't hear it, he said all was done and forgotten and he quickly changed the subject. apparently he's still uncomfortable and shy. though i shudder to think how much innocence he must've lost now, 4 years after our little escapade. he's probably not a virgin anymore. he told me he smokes pot a lot now. but i desperately want to know what he's like with girls now, what he's done, how many he's been through. he seems untouchable, i wonder if anyone's made it through - and then i'd like to talk to that girl. how did you make it through? i'd ask. i wonder if he's hairy now.. he was so smooth and tan and perfect, a boy, he's still a boy, Adonis, his last name is donis, i still can't believe that. he's like.. michelangelo's David. that's what he's like in my mind. i can't believe how close i came to kissing him, that i didn't do it, those half a dozen times i had the real opportunity, to think, he was interested even slightly in ME, me, of all people, i still can't fathom that. bonnie said that one time he said to her out of nowhere "melody's really pretty" - but now i think maybe she made that up. how could he think that? i looked slightly different back then i guess. but still - i'm afraid to ask her if it's not true because a large part of me lived off that comment for a long time afterwards. do you have any idea how few straight guys, even my closest friends, make complementary remarks about my appearance? and yet, to these friends, even if it's not true, it would do so much for me to hear things like that. i can't tell you. i know it's harder to do this with me, i don't blame you, but, you know.

i have a plethora of sexual issues, but one is that i seem to only be able to take part in some sexual activity with another person if it's in secret, if i have to act like i'm doing something else during, so i can be completely detached from the activity.. like i'm deathly afraid of intimacy or something. like the old teenage habit of indiscretions under pillows and blankets with a roomfull of people. and, say, if i was to be confronted by this person after this detached experience in a place of solitude, where we actually had to acknowledge each other and look at each other, i would not want to do this.. what the hell is that? i mean, first i thought i was just freaked out that it would go farther than i thought i wanted, but it was really that i just seem to only be able to function with detachment in these situations.. and what of these bizarre deviant sexual fantasies turning me on in my head but if ever faced with them in real life i am immediately disgusted and repulsed by them? i have questions.

what's more important?

-feeling smart
-hanging out with people who are smarter than you

because you can't have both, you know? i can either feel smart and hang around people who i think aren't as smart as i am, which in itself is a sort of tragedy, or i can have my ego crushed and constantly doubt my intelligence by hanging around people who feel smarter than me who i can probably learn a thing or two from.. this is why people go searching for people who are just as smart as they are, yeah? it's complicated. i guess more complicated for people like me who place such a high value on intelligence in people...

and, as it turns out, dogs. the thing with me and my dog..Ed.. see, my father says to me, "do you dislike him just because he's your dog?" (here's a tie with why, again and again, i should not be a mother) but that's not why i dislike him. i'm convinced that if we'd gotten most any other dog, i'd be very happy and love that dog to death. see, my dog is very stupid. Ed is very stupid. and he's incredibly needy. and he smells really bad. but here's what he is: he's a simple-minded creature. if he were a person he'd like dubya, you know? and my dad responds well to simple-minded creatures. he doesn't want things complicated or in contrast to himself if he can help it. my dad feels comforted by guys like dubya because they're good 'ole boys, from the south, white, christian (but not catholic!), they may don a cowboy hat, they believe in wholesome family values and they've raised a beautiful little white family.. right, these are norms to my dad and he likes them and this probably won't change. so Ed is very much like that, only a dog. now i'm not saying these other dogs i hang around with are these complex minds, these secret geniuses.. but they are significantly smarter. they do what i tell them to do. they sense what i want from them and do it in advance. they respond well. they just act smarter. and if they're not so smart, they at least seem to respect and obey me. Ed wants every drop of love and affection i can give him - every time i sit down he immediately wants to get on my lap - but it feels like he's using me.. because he doesn't cooperate other times and he does little things just to spite me. i just took these dogs at barbara's out tonight and they were phenomenal.. they walked out only when i walked out (let me be clear, these are not trained dogs at all, they've just gotten to know me over the past year and we get each other), they did their business and came right back and sat next to me and waited for the other.. and so on. i take Ed out and he does his thing and when i want to go back in, sometimes i'll be kind enough not to just forcibly pull him through the field, and i'll try to call him back and get him behind the idea and he'll just stand there, i'll tug, and he'll stand firmer. "no." he seems to say. i do not appreciate this. i know i haven't taken any measures to train him, but these other dogs, as i've said, haven't been trained either and well, you get the drift.. i'll tell you what it is: it's that Ed is a purepred, i'm not sure if he has papers, but he is a one-breed dog. these other guys are mutts. you've heard the thing about mutts being smarter because they're not the product of cousins or something.."spread the genes apart.."..well let me tell you, it's true. you want a dog? go get a weird half-breed. you know how not so pretty people have had to develop personalities so they're generally more interesting than pretty people and they can better balance natural selection and all that? well it's the same kind of thing. it'll come back and bite you if you go for the pretty people.. i mean dogs. alright so you could construe that this whole thing is just about my resentment of pretty people.. well anyway, i'm sick of my dog.

the thing about being a good person is this: doing good has never been selfless, as Friends has ascertained. we all do good, to some extent, because it makes us feel good. we can't get around that. so it's just a matter of whether you're the type of person who wants to make yourself feel good by doing things for yourself, or doing things for others. go do something good for somebody. it'll make you feel good.

all this dawson's creek is making me a creek fan again.. i'm so smitten. axel, this must be addressed to you, i apparently missed like two seasons between like the 3rd or 4th episode and whenever joey and pacey get together for the first time.. man. this new andie story line may make me hate her less. i remember really being annoyed with her back when this was all first airing. are you watching these reruns? tape them and watch them later, it's a lot, but it's so fun - TBS m-f 8am-12noon. oh boy. and that roswell guy you like so much is in some of these early episodes! he has incredibly slanting shoulders and his ears are too pertruding for me, but other than that he's lovely. and we have scott foley too (noel from felicity), who has also recently split from wife jennifer garner.. cover me, i'm going in.

trent reznor says he wants to fuck everyone in the world.. and he wants to fuck me like an animal.. so i'm like, "ok trent, cmon over". the fragile is a fantastic little (2 disc) cd.. alan you need to get into them. you like all other forms of angry whiny metal type music, and these guys are better than most of those other bands, so you must like them. and they're so musically interesting. and sexual. it's fantastic music. it's nice because now that i'm more emotionally mature than, oh, 9th grade, i can enjoy all this depressing music and not become a depressed teenager. hootie hoo. (does anyone remember hootie hoo?) i don't remember if i told you this already, but that nin song "we're in this together" (which you may remember was a single in like 9th or 10th grade) sounds very much like stabbing westward, so you may want to download it and slowly get into them.. it's all a part of my plan.. other fantastic songs include, but are not limited to, ruiner, eraser, reptile, starfuckers (obviously), mr. self destruct, somewhat damaged, where is everybody, no you don't, i do not want this, and the wretched. hootie hoo.

i'm thinking lately that i want a rabbit. i saw one on mad about you last night. that was a really good show.

everytime i go to city hall to pay the water bill i can never find a parking space, but the damn mayor's spot is always open... one day.

this is a fantastic article that had even my dad thinking a little bit: http://www.citypages.com/databank/24/1164/article11140.asp

Today's Headline:

KINDNESS CAN PREVAIL!

just moments ago a spider the size of a buick caught me, as always, very offgaurd and in a vulnerable position and, though i at first panicked, i managed to collect myself, thwart jordan from sending a "flame thrower" his way and realized suddenly the quickest, easiest, kindest, most effective way to remove a spider: the cup and piece of paper method. soon, the spider was safely on the front porch and absolutely no contact was made between he and myself, making both he and i as safe as we were before this incident.. and people, i am scared shitless of spiders, it is not by choice, and if I can do something like this, that means everyone can do something like this, so i don't want to hear anymore "but"s - there will be no more excuses for not doing the right thing! this can be applied in all areas...

my gerbil is so much cooler than my dog.

i know the disappointment of going on kid's blogs and finding no new updates and i don't want you kids to go through that, it's hard enough in this world. i need to put more little things, and not call it just filler, just little thoughts that have been passing thru me, like:

isn't it nice how perfectly hands fit together? it can be your's and someone else's, or your's together, hands are just nice and meant for each other.

i'm listening to kenna. and in the car it's nine inch nails every day. and in the bathroom it's jeff buckley. and my brother recently downloaded that chevelle album we all freaked out about a few years ago so i got to reminisce (i want blogger to have spellcheck), but i don't really like it much anymore. i used to think their new stuff wasn't nearly as good as the old, but it's really very similar to the old, so they're not that special, but it's ok, i had a good time with them for a while. so are the guys in chevelle christian or not? didn't juan discover them on rock night on 88.3? i feel like i remember that, and that's the only story that's gotten my brother to listen to them, because i told him they're like a christian tool, and jordan really misses tool, so this is his way to listen to an albeit kind of shitty tool, but at least he gets a taste. i saw the first, self-titled foo fighters album, used, at park ave cds at ucf today for $8.. i may go back for it. they're a great band, but a lot of their new songs aren't very interesting. that new single they have, the 'it's times like these..' song, that's a pretty...unoriginal song, it's flatly life-affirming, everyone makes songs like that.. but the guys aren't quite so sex drugs and rock n roll anymore.. the drummer isn't a heroin addict anymore and most of them seem to be with steady girlfriends/fiancees/wives..it puts an understandably different spin on things. the beauty of the foo fighters is that they can make these seemingly simple rock songs that don't seem to fall under any category other than general rock, and they're simple, but they're strangely great, they're catchy and a lot of people go for them, they make you feel good, but they're not dumb. like "my hero" or "everlong". they're a nice addition to the music world.

you know what's sad? all the cds i lost in my early teens. i had so many cds that were thrown away/destroyed by my mother and not all of them were great, it was like less than jake, reel big fish, goldfinger, but then i had all of 311's first five albums, and i'd like to hear some of that every now and then, and i had pearl jam's ten, and i didn't get into that at all, i picked it as filler with one of those columbia house 15 cds for a penny deals (which we never paid, oops) but i'm getting into pearl jam a little now and it would've been helpful. and one of my first cds ever was the bodygaurd soundtrack which i was thinking about the other day, i don't think she destroyed it, i think she maybe just stole it.. whitney is awesome on that thing, i listened to "queen of the night" all the time. that and celine dion's power of love were the very first cds i ever got, for christmas right after i got my first cd player. 3rd or 4th grade. good times.

let me tell you a story from that apartment, in tulsa, the place was called..starts with a b.. i'll ask my dad when he walks out here in a minute.. benchmark. it's still there, the code to get in the gate used to be 911, but i doubt it is anymore. it had a pool that felt a million miles away walking, it was a big place, hills, a creek with cat's somethings..those tall weeds near the water with the bushy brown soft things at the tip of it.. they're so soft, i used to go down there and touch them all the time. we built a snowman down there once, and my brother and the boys in the neighborhood had sled races, i guess the hill was far enough away from the creek or they would've flown straight into it. we had two turtles there, shelby and shelby 2, i don't remember what happened to shelby 2, but shelby ran away and days later, after not giving up hope, we found him clear on the other side of benchmark, almost to the gate to exit in the front, we were way in the back of that place. we saw a squashed turtle in the middle of the road and looked down to find it was shelby. we knew it was him because we had put a mark on his back with pink nail polish. it was a sad day.
my closest friend there was a boy a year younger than i was that lived next door, he had a little black weener dog, his name was aaron colby, he was a fantastic gymnist. he could do aerials, which i thought was amazing. he was a little chubby, full of life, he would hang out with my brother and i and we'd fight over his attentions. i had a crush on him apparently. one day, to my heart's delight, we were playing some mission impossible type game that involved hiding and running and we were crouched down hiding and when we had to set off running, he grabbed my hand and we fled across the street. i was on fire. later my cousin lesli and i, who at that time was fatter than i was, were walking around and around the block and aaron apparently had a crush on her, or me, he kept making fun of us, finally he called her fat, or me fat, i can't remember now, and my brother, who was wearing this big fuck off pair of cowboy boots, kicked him real hard in the balls. aaron made a silent scream and fell to the ground, grabbing his crotch. it was really terrible. we were worried there was serious damage. still though, the lesson learned was my brother cared enough about us that he defended us in our hour of need.. it was bizarre. this is during the period where i hated him. i lost interest in aaron a little while after that and about two years ago i found out lesli still knew him, they went to school together, and she was going to call him and we were going to meet up.. a most bizarre situation if there ever was one. so we met up. he looked similar. he was not so much into gymnastics now as much as theatre. yes, aaron is gay now. i feel like we asked him and he denied it, but he definitely is. i can't remember what exactly happened. it was very strange seeing this kid for the first time in 9 years. we brought him back home with us and played trivial pursuit with my brother, who apologized once again for kicking him in the balls, we all laughed. it is a strange world.