i still miss tyran. all these years later. he still floats in my head with this holy glow, i've completely idolized him, he is flawless in this blurry memory i have of him. everytime i pass winter springs blvd on tuscawilla i glance down and see the corner of his house. i always look for that giant beat-up SUV on the road that i saw him driving away in at that metalfest a couple years or so ago at rumors. he's graduating high school this year. ; ) i know. i want to go to his graduation, or maybe stand outside after it's over and bump into him. or send him a letter of congradulations with a "call me sometime". or knock on his front door. "hey, now you're legal." and we'd laugh. i tried apologizing to him at rumors but he wouldn't hear it, he said all was done and forgotten and he quickly changed the subject. apparently he's still uncomfortable and shy. though i shudder to think how much innocence he must've lost now, 4 years after our little escapade. he's probably not a virgin anymore. he told me he smokes pot a lot now. but i desperately want to know what he's like with girls now, what he's done, how many he's been through. he seems untouchable, i wonder if anyone's made it through - and then i'd like to talk to that girl. how did you make it through? i'd ask. i wonder if he's hairy now.. he was so smooth and tan and perfect, a boy, he's still a boy, Adonis, his last name is donis, i still can't believe that. he's like.. michelangelo's David. that's what he's like in my mind. i can't believe how close i came to kissing him, that i didn't do it, those half a dozen times i had the real opportunity, to think, he was interested even slightly in ME, me, of all people, i still can't fathom that. bonnie said that one time he said to her out of nowhere "melody's really pretty" - but now i think maybe she made that up. how could he think that? i looked slightly different back then i guess. but still - i'm afraid to ask her if it's not true because a large part of me lived off that comment for a long time afterwards. do you have any idea how few straight guys, even my closest friends, make complementary remarks about my appearance? and yet, to these friends, even if it's not true, it would do so much for me to hear things like that. i can't tell you. i know it's harder to do this with me, i don't blame you, but, you know.

i have a plethora of sexual issues, but one is that i seem to only be able to take part in some sexual activity with another person if it's in secret, if i have to act like i'm doing something else during, so i can be completely detached from the activity.. like i'm deathly afraid of intimacy or something. like the old teenage habit of indiscretions under pillows and blankets with a roomfull of people. and, say, if i was to be confronted by this person after this detached experience in a place of solitude, where we actually had to acknowledge each other and look at each other, i would not want to do this.. what the hell is that? i mean, first i thought i was just freaked out that it would go farther than i thought i wanted, but it was really that i just seem to only be able to function with detachment in these situations.. and what of these bizarre deviant sexual fantasies turning me on in my head but if ever faced with them in real life i am immediately disgusted and repulsed by them? i have questions.