went to get sausage egg and cheese biscuit at mcdonald's this morning.. so rarely am i able to get to that place during breakfast hours.. i always just miss it.. 10:30 is such a ridiculous time to stop serving breakfast. it should be 12, or never. you bastards. i was not at all satisfied with this "sausage egg and cheese biscuit"..it was actually a "sausage mcmuffin with egg", that's what i said anyway, cuz i saw the picture and it looked right, but it was on a fucking english muffin.. what the hell are those things? they are not the soft crumby biscuits i know and love. i should've known i wouldn't enjoy it, i'm all about healthy food right now.. i had a delicious philly steak sub thing from philly express and since it was unhealthy at its core i was not satisfied. i'm all about the salmon now. umm..why indulge in such conversation? it really means i think someone else cares, but that's silly.

i'll continue anyway, cuz this was all leading to this:

then went to borders to get a cd by etta james.. whose name is actually etta jones, i now find out, which is not nearly as attractive i'm afraid.. and the two cds of her's they had didn't have "at last" which is all i wanted.. i can sing that song so well and i wanted to sing along with her. if you don't know it, it's the one that goes "at last my love has come along, my lonliness is gone, and life is like a (whatever the word here is)".. it's very lovely. erika christensen, of Traffic and Swimfan (don't judge her) sang it on last call w/ carson daly and she was very very good, if i haven't already put that here. got me thinking about it. so i decided against $20 for etta JONES and i decided to further delay the o brother where art thou soundtrack yet again and get the new coldplay..which i'm listening to now..which is very good. they're a great band. it's not genius music, it's not groundbreaking, but it's great listening-to music. the singer is seeming more and more sexy, axel, but only by a very little.

west wing in TWO days...

moonlight mile in FOUR...

i have my first crush on an asian guy. yes.. also in statistics. sits in front of me.. very badass looking.. rides some sort of bike/motorcyle i see from helmet.. always listening to music in one ear.. very chisseled, crisp, dark, beautiful.

there is a reggae act that performs sometimes outside the student union and they were back today, and the lead guy has an incredible voice and i want very much to talk to him.. he could make me love reggae music.. it's not the stupid "one beat fits all" reggae, it's like sad beautiful reggae.. very nice. this could be conversation stimulator b/w tyran and myself.


today is the 47th anniversary of the death of james byron dean.

actually, alan, funnily enough, the lovely blue moon broke yesterday. i hadn't really been using it, i think it was too bright for me, and i'm so rarely in my room unless i'm reading or sleeping, so it's unfortunately not of much use to me.. but i had amanda, the girl i babysit, over for the first time and i was showing her all my cool room things and i tried to turn it on and it just broke like a light bulb does when it burns out, so, no big deal. but since you probably used your's a lot more than i did i'm guessing our two still lasted about the same amount of time.. lol. i'm sending you email now.

i love john cusack and sarah jessica parker. isn't it weird how you can so easily delete words on computers? you don't have to scratch them out, hard in times when you want to make sure they're not seen, it's all very simple and they're completely gone forever.. it's weird, these things.

time moves too fast when i need it to slow down. i'd love to get rid of the notion of time and therefore the state of rushing/hurrying to get somewhere on time. i hate, Hate that feeling more than most.

my bed is now flat on the ground, without creaking bed stand thing, and i enjoy it very much.. my room is changing slowly.

everyone go rent monsoon wedding, in stores now...

mostly martha is a sexy movie with great music. the italian leading man who breaks the uptight german leading lady.... ohhh the sex of that man.. it's very arousing in a subtle way. it is a four out of five star movie, worth watching. saw one hour photo last night.. good, scary scary scary music, very scary eyeball visual that is hard to shake that i wish i hadn't seen, other than that not nearly as scary as you think. it's a little cliche, but robin is a great scary guy.

moonlight mile in one week.. doo dah doo dah.. ohmygosh i'm so excited. and that movie with dennis quaid and julianne moore about the fifties being NOT SO PERFECT (finally) coming soon too, very exciting..

ahhh bernie mac is so hilarious.. i'm saying AMERICA! all day long. he really should've won that emmy.. damned unfunny ray romano. i don't get that show.

the west wing is fucking brilliant. i'm now completely a fan. i am no longer bitter about it beating my HBO programming.. it is wildly funny, smart, and entertaining.. it's hard to fathom. and the commercials are superb, like the superbowl. really.

woody allen is my dad.

yesterday, as my dad and i were about to turn left onto tuscawilla from trotwood, the light turned green but we hesitated to watch these two girls run across the road parallel to us on the right side. and then a white car whizzed by right in front of us, a good few seconds after our light had turned green. i'm guessing he wasn't paying attention, but at about 45 mph he would've collided right into the driver's side of our car and i would've lost my father in a sudden, random moment. driving is really much more dangerous than we let on... it's really scary to think of all the things that can feasibly happen at any given time. if you're the first in line at an intersection, always check the road before moving out when your light turns green..people are crazy.

my father.. he's a really great guy. he has his stupidness in the assigned areas conservatives have their stupidness, but really, generally, he is a wonderful, good-intentioned person. he is optimistic, he has a yearning to help everyone if he can. i go on about the need for generosity but i don't actually go out of my way much to help others because i feel i'm not in the position to, that one has to be ok themselves before going out for others.. but that's not true, really. i listen to dad go on about his cab driving experiences, all the poor, lonely, tragic people in the world that he tries to help however he can, how a lot of cab drivers hang out in the rich areas where they get bigger tips, but he picks up the ones nobody wants, and he's glad to do it. i'm glad to have known him.

alright so this seems to be the best i can do.. at least right now. just comment on the left one and it'll show up only for the post you're commenting on.. there.

new link is lovely, vist

about two minutes ago i came back into this computer lab, where i just 30 minutes ago finished spilling out 982 words on james dean for my first core paper in english (oh my g o d i'm a procrastinator still) and i found the beautiful barefoot statistics boy, and so i took the seat two down from him.. and i think he was wearing an old aerosmith shirt, i'm almost positive.. or else the black crowes or something, but i'm almost positive the emblem said aerosmith. is that how you spell aerosmith? like aeroplane? i like that better than airplane. so he's still barefoot, and he's left now, but it was nice, and that's about the fourth time today i've run into a familiar person on campus, a campus of like 80,000 kids or something? i'll go months without seeing anyone i know and then today four times there are people from my life.. walking by.. i'm afraid of them, especially the high school acquaintances, because you know each other so you don't want to completely ignore each other, but you don't want to stop and talk either cuz you have nothing to say to them and vice versa and it'll end awkwardly and it's like.. ok i want to be invisible for these little frightening moments. english is in 15 minutes and i must type speedily.. ummm oh, tyran. i'm apparently mildly in love/obsessed with tyran. he's not left my mind.. i think it's because i never resolved anything really, but now i'd very much be comfortable with having sex with him. so there you go. he could be my friends with benefits. oh yes. i had this lovely dream two nights ago where this happened between us and he was the experienced one giving up his time to do me the favor, heh, which is probably closer to real life than anything.. but anyway, it was funny because i see him as the picture of innocence.. i hope if i ever get back to him he won't have slept with all these stupid high school girls.. i want him to say "oh how sexually frustrated i am, i can not tolerate these stupid high school girls, i need an older, wiser woman.. sigh".. and then it would begin...

man..why didn't i get this template in the first place? and my comments are so much cooler now too.. wow.. this is definitely the best one. there is no cheese, it's simple, it's a little beautiful.. it has a lovely font for "melo land". i am fascinated with fonts. the font woody allen uses for the credits in all of his movies is one of my favorites.. very old-timey.. perfect for him.

so i just five seconds ago took the exam, which was 19 questions, which means i probably made around a 68.. i hate it when teachers do that. give me a bunch of questions, please. but anyway, there's this boy in my statistics class who i noticed a couple weeks ago when last i went who i think i forgot about, but then it all came rushing back to me, dramatically, yes,.. he's like a white rustafarion, however you spell that.. with that reggae looking knit cap that looks like there's a huge bunch of hair inside of it (but i don't believe there is on him).. he wears old tshirts and long khaki shorts, and, here's the clencher - no shoes. this is the second time i've seen this.. so here are my estimations about this boy.. he listens to (enter reggaeish bands here), he likes the beach a lot, he smokes a lot of pot.. but that's not what i'm drawn to. he has this air about him.. his face is.. well he reminds me of jesus. now i don't know what jesus looked like, but he reminds me of him. he's very beautiful. tan, but not too much.. very thin, 6'ish. but he's so calm and.. austere - like the eagle in that poem. and he just observes in this very lovely way - i'll catch him looking at everything and smiling a little like it's funny, these crazy college kids.. he doesn't really talk to anyone.. i'd like to photograph him, and that'll be my opening line if i ever talk to him. ok.

ohhh my.. it's 10:19am and i am at school.. which has happened before, but not involving a waking time of 6am this morning, which hasn't happened in maybe years. it did not feel like a new day, but more like a continuation of yesterday, as my brother puts it. so i had to take dad downtown for his second day of training to become a CAB DRIVER.. which is hilarious, i know, but he really is perfect for it, he's probably the greatest driver the world has ever known.. the closest to absolute perfection by my standards (which of course were formed by years of him driving me around), and he is a human road map, it's uncanny.. and good lord do we need the money, so that's good. and i had to go cash checks at the bank, which had only drive thru open and they make nonmembers come inside so i had to drive around for a while - the world has never taken kindly to my sleeping schedule, i sleep in and everything closes quickly, i wake up at the butt crack of dawn and nothing's opened yet..i want to speak to an authority about this - i had french onion soup at panera, at 8 in the morning, it's always time for french onion soup, and walked around that pretty cemetary by park avenue that i've always wanted to see.. it was interesting, lots of very old people, not a lot of inscriptions, which i really wanted to see, a few children, one four year old with my favorite inscription i found, which was "we sure did like you, boy". ; ) it had bunnies all around it, because he died on easter. one was "mothers are missed very much", there were a lot of bible verses and references to heaven. it's a very lovely cemetary. i couldn't help but think someone was going to come out and yell at me to leave, even though i'm sure it's open to the public whenever.. there's no fence or anything. there was a sign that said "Please curb your dog". i've never seen a sign that said that.

i have 3 1/2 hrs to study for a fairly difficult statistics exam.. statistics is harder than i thought it'd be. it doesn't help that i don't have the textbook, but i copied 63 pages of the instructor's manual the other day, i'll trade $96 for $6 anyday. i think i'm going to just go sit in the bookstore and study the textbook and hope no one kicks me out. who can afford this malarcky? and when they buy it back the next term you get like $4.. this bureaucracy crap is bullshit.. i was taken down from fl academic scholarship to fl merit scholarship because of my low GPA last semester, even though i appealed for grade forgiveness and was forgiven and put on probation. no one told me my scholarship had dropped down. they literally never tell you these things, you'd never know anything if you didn't have to seek it out thru 3 billion people, most of whom don't know what they're talking about.. so if i keep above a 3.0 this whole year i can get back on it next fall, so i don't get book money for the next year.. which really doesn't make things easy. "well why dontcha cry about it?"

i'm thinking about calling loveline and asking a bunch of questions, mainly about them.. i'm also thinking i need to start counseling somewhere and get all my shit sorted through.. i like that they offer it for free here. i need a wise learned woman. "no, wise learned man ejaculation."

i'd like to go see stone temple pilots at hard rock in october

i'd like to go to san diego and stay with megan flocken's family in their $5 million "house"... i dream of san diego weather, but i'd probably want it to get colder if i lived there. i'd also like to go stay with my gay uncle bob in the country outside new york.. these are dreams of mine.

i ran into brittany bernstein the other day and we had a lovely conversation about everything, telling her of my inclination towards helping beached whales and oil-spilt penguins.. she is doing a double major with a minor in something.. all i know is that one major is foreign language, for french and german, which is kind of amazing.. she's going to be an ambassador or something, that's so neat, and just what i would've guessed for her. i'm going to start calling her to have lunch with me on campus.. she is involved in a sorority, but she is still the freakishly smart, cool brittany. i just wish i didn't get trapped into eye contact with her.. i don't think it's just her, just anyone who i'm not extremely close to.. which only includes like my immediate family mostly.. i can't look at them in the eye during the entire conversation because i get this thing where the rest of them blurs and i get into this hypnotized trance thing and i'm very uncomfortable and i get worried they can tell this about me, even though i am interested in what they are saying.. dammit. i hate prolonged eye contact. so i'm going to be walking or eating or looking down the next time i talk to brittany.

ok update on the hollywood video clerk.. (axel, update your blog like your promised forgodssake)
i went there late last night to drop off movies and i just glanced in to see if he was there, and he was miraculously, i've never seen him any other day besides saturday - so i drive next door and try to see if i don't look terrible, which i kind of do, but it's the end of the day and i figure maybe he'll appreciate my low maintenance vibe or whatever.. so i go in and recite my planned speech, which is "alright, you're not busy now, so come walk around with me and show me good movies". and he said "did you say please?" and i said "s'il vous plait", which he may or may not have thought was cute, and so he came and we kept talking about woody allen movies because i'm in the midst of seeing all his movies (and reading his biographies.. i'm a biography queen now, which i said to him, and i'm even considering becoming a writer of biographies.. it might be fun) and he got interiors for me and told me to get sleeper and crimes and misdemeanors.. then he kind of lost interest and went to the back to clean his glasses, said the other girl clerk.. so.. but the crushing thing of it all, the end to all of this, was that i noticed that hanging around his neck, outside his shirt, was this large, not rapper large, but still gaudy gold cross. and it was like everything sank into "ohhh noo.." well there's always something. but he has good taste in movies.. and he loves woody allen?... what kind of christian is that? oh blah.. i'm giving up on him. there's absolutely no way to get around that. jesus christ i'm tired of religion and it making my life hell at every chance it gets. literally all it does is make me miserable, give me immense pain every time i realize it is responsible for this incredible chasm that will always be between my dad and brother and i. i mean i was thinking of getting "one wish" like they say, and for the first time i thought, maybe rid all humans of the notion of religion.. or maybe rid them of the notion that theirs is right and everything else is wrong. because i actually don't know if religion has been worth it... marx said it is "the opiate of the masses".. well yes.. the goods seem to be all selfish: it makes a person feel important and safe and good when they need to. and has it really unified more than it has divided? i mean sure it unifies lots and lots of people.. which is also selfish, all people go to church for really is to reassure themselves that what they're thinking is right.. "oh, of course i'm right, look at all these other people who think so.." but it's probably divided more than anything. and that can lead to anything from murder to just general disdain, which might as well be the same thing.. ugh, it wears me out.

and what has happened with lab boy?

i truly truly love woody allen.. he said it best, that he's an agnostic, and he "hopes there is a god", but he "doubts it." there you go. i watched stardust memories last week, and it's so so funny. he has this notorious thing about him where he doesn't really get angry, it never really comes out, it manifests itself in other things, and in the movie his anger finally got out and started running amock and killing old school teachers and nazis and when they finally caught up with it (it's this big hairy sasquach looking thing) it was flinging his mother around.. it was hilarious. my favorite of his movies is a tie actually - annie hall and everyone says i love you, which is a musical, made like 8 years ago with drew barrymore, edward norton, julia roberts and a bunch of others.. it's so fun.

comedy-dramas are the greatest genre of movies. look at my favorites of all time.. singin the rain, comedy with a little love story so sort of drama, the graduate, drama that's hilarious, and rushmore, pure comedy-drama.. they are so wonderful.


oh my i have to start studying.

cmon people - how do i set up links for my blog? if you don't know, say "i don't know".


i hope i do not have west nile virus.. ever since i started eating more fruit my body has begun to decompose.. now my body is literally rejecting fruit.. what the hell. i try to be healthier and i start dying. i have a cold again.. i just had one last month. and now here it is again. what the hell. are you supposed to change your sheets and disinfect your toothbrush and all that after you recover from illness? i've never done that before.. maybe i should start? i don't know. i thought you were least likely to get sick right after being sick. ? i'm so not used to ever waking up in the middle of the night.. the other day i woke myself up sneezing. what the hell. now i wake up and blow my nose because YOUR NOSE WAKES YOU UP.. this is proof that one's nose literally could destroy one's life. you know, most people don't even pay attention to their nose until they get sick.. and it's like "oh, i almost forgot about you, hello there". there is a very defined misery to having a cold.. you are aware that there must be things much worse out there and yet you still want to die rather than feel This.. which i guess makes you dread what else could be waiting for you... all around good times. i hate life, i hate the world, i hate my body.. all positive thinking has flown out the window and i pray for a truck to run me over.


well that's uplifting. on a lighter note, O Brother, Where Art Thou? is a fantastic movie.. i didn't realize quite so much when i saw it in the theaters two years ago, but i get it now. it's hilarious and the music is so so so good. i shared with dad and with jordan and both laughed and loved it. it was wonderful. i can't wait to get that soundtrack. it's bluegrass/folk music/gospel from the South in the 1930's.. and as much as i'd hate to be in that area at that time, when the ku klux klan was actually running every major town, and the people i'm sure would drive me nuts and i would not be able to relate to them one bit.. except for their music. and that's what's so great, it's as if here are these unlikable people, for the most part, but their music is this little lifeboat that reminds me that they're still human beings, they're still capable of all the love and pain and joy and heartache as anyone.. and here is their greatest representative. i mean, the leader of the kkk sang this beautiful song, "O Death", and for a minute there, i loved him just a little. man that's so great. the people who put together the soundtrack had to track down one of the writers of one of the songs featured, who was very old and living in a shack in the mountains of west virginia or somewhere, and out of the blue they handed him a check for $28,000.. how awesome is that?

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens?