ohhh my.. it's 10:19am and i am at school.. which has happened before, but not involving a waking time of 6am this morning, which hasn't happened in maybe years. it did not feel like a new day, but more like a continuation of yesterday, as my brother puts it. so i had to take dad downtown for his second day of training to become a CAB DRIVER.. which is hilarious, i know, but he really is perfect for it, he's probably the greatest driver the world has ever known.. the closest to absolute perfection by my standards (which of course were formed by years of him driving me around), and he is a human road map, it's uncanny.. and good lord do we need the money, so that's good. and i had to go cash checks at the bank, which had only drive thru open and they make nonmembers come inside so i had to drive around for a while - the world has never taken kindly to my sleeping schedule, i sleep in and everything closes quickly, i wake up at the butt crack of dawn and nothing's opened yet..i want to speak to an authority about this - i had french onion soup at panera, at 8 in the morning, it's always time for french onion soup, and walked around that pretty cemetary by park avenue that i've always wanted to see.. it was interesting, lots of very old people, not a lot of inscriptions, which i really wanted to see, a few children, one four year old with my favorite inscription i found, which was "we sure did like you, boy". ; ) it had bunnies all around it, because he died on easter. one was "mothers are missed very much", there were a lot of bible verses and references to heaven. it's a very lovely cemetary. i couldn't help but think someone was going to come out and yell at me to leave, even though i'm sure it's open to the public whenever.. there's no fence or anything. there was a sign that said "Please curb your dog". i've never seen a sign that said that.

i have 3 1/2 hrs to study for a fairly difficult statistics exam.. statistics is harder than i thought it'd be. it doesn't help that i don't have the textbook, but i copied 63 pages of the instructor's manual the other day, i'll trade $96 for $6 anyday. i think i'm going to just go sit in the bookstore and study the textbook and hope no one kicks me out. who can afford this malarcky? and when they buy it back the next term you get like $4.. this bureaucracy crap is bullshit.. i was taken down from fl academic scholarship to fl merit scholarship because of my low GPA last semester, even though i appealed for grade forgiveness and was forgiven and put on probation. no one told me my scholarship had dropped down. they literally never tell you these things, you'd never know anything if you didn't have to seek it out thru 3 billion people, most of whom don't know what they're talking about.. so if i keep above a 3.0 this whole year i can get back on it next fall, so i don't get book money for the next year.. which really doesn't make things easy. "well why dontcha cry about it?"

i'm thinking about calling loveline and asking a bunch of questions, mainly about them.. i'm also thinking i need to start counseling somewhere and get all my shit sorted through.. i like that they offer it for free here. i need a wise learned woman. "no, wise learned man ejaculation."

i'd like to go see stone temple pilots at hard rock in october

i'd like to go to san diego and stay with megan flocken's family in their $5 million "house"... i dream of san diego weather, but i'd probably want it to get colder if i lived there. i'd also like to go stay with my gay uncle bob in the country outside new york.. these are dreams of mine.

i ran into brittany bernstein the other day and we had a lovely conversation about everything, telling her of my inclination towards helping beached whales and oil-spilt penguins.. she is doing a double major with a minor in something.. all i know is that one major is foreign language, for french and german, which is kind of amazing.. she's going to be an ambassador or something, that's so neat, and just what i would've guessed for her. i'm going to start calling her to have lunch with me on campus.. she is involved in a sorority, but she is still the freakishly smart, cool brittany. i just wish i didn't get trapped into eye contact with her.. i don't think it's just her, just anyone who i'm not extremely close to.. which only includes like my immediate family mostly.. i can't look at them in the eye during the entire conversation because i get this thing where the rest of them blurs and i get into this hypnotized trance thing and i'm very uncomfortable and i get worried they can tell this about me, even though i am interested in what they are saying.. dammit. i hate prolonged eye contact. so i'm going to be walking or eating or looking down the next time i talk to brittany.

ok update on the hollywood video clerk.. (axel, update your blog like your promised forgodssake)
i went there late last night to drop off movies and i just glanced in to see if he was there, and he was miraculously, i've never seen him any other day besides saturday - so i drive next door and try to see if i don't look terrible, which i kind of do, but it's the end of the day and i figure maybe he'll appreciate my low maintenance vibe or whatever.. so i go in and recite my planned speech, which is "alright, you're not busy now, so come walk around with me and show me good movies". and he said "did you say please?" and i said "s'il vous plait", which he may or may not have thought was cute, and so he came and we kept talking about woody allen movies because i'm in the midst of seeing all his movies (and reading his biographies.. i'm a biography queen now, which i said to him, and i'm even considering becoming a writer of biographies.. it might be fun) and he got interiors for me and told me to get sleeper and crimes and misdemeanors.. then he kind of lost interest and went to the back to clean his glasses, said the other girl clerk.. so.. but the crushing thing of it all, the end to all of this, was that i noticed that hanging around his neck, outside his shirt, was this large, not rapper large, but still gaudy gold cross. and it was like everything sank into "ohhh noo.." well there's always something. but he has good taste in movies.. and he loves woody allen?... what kind of christian is that? oh blah.. i'm giving up on him. there's absolutely no way to get around that. jesus christ i'm tired of religion and it making my life hell at every chance it gets. literally all it does is make me miserable, give me immense pain every time i realize it is responsible for this incredible chasm that will always be between my dad and brother and i. i mean i was thinking of getting "one wish" like they say, and for the first time i thought, maybe rid all humans of the notion of religion.. or maybe rid them of the notion that theirs is right and everything else is wrong. because i actually don't know if religion has been worth it... marx said it is "the opiate of the masses".. well yes.. the goods seem to be all selfish: it makes a person feel important and safe and good when they need to. and has it really unified more than it has divided? i mean sure it unifies lots and lots of people.. which is also selfish, all people go to church for really is to reassure themselves that what they're thinking is right.. "oh, of course i'm right, look at all these other people who think so.." but it's probably divided more than anything. and that can lead to anything from murder to just general disdain, which might as well be the same thing.. ugh, it wears me out.

and what has happened with lab boy?

i truly truly love woody allen.. he said it best, that he's an agnostic, and he "hopes there is a god", but he "doubts it." there you go. i watched stardust memories last week, and it's so so funny. he has this notorious thing about him where he doesn't really get angry, it never really comes out, it manifests itself in other things, and in the movie his anger finally got out and started running amock and killing old school teachers and nazis and when they finally caught up with it (it's this big hairy sasquach looking thing) it was flinging his mother around.. it was hilarious. my favorite of his movies is a tie actually - annie hall and everyone says i love you, which is a musical, made like 8 years ago with drew barrymore, edward norton, julia roberts and a bunch of others.. it's so fun.

comedy-dramas are the greatest genre of movies. look at my favorites of all time.. singin the rain, comedy with a little love story so sort of drama, the graduate, drama that's hilarious, and rushmore, pure comedy-drama.. they are so wonderful.


oh my i have to start studying.