this gigli thing.. this has got to be a huge psychological experiment, right? it's a big joke that ben thought up or something, right? everyone who's hip in hollywood is in on it and they're all bombing it relentlessly so it will become this huge deal that it's so BAD and then EVERYONE will go see it and it will become a cult phenomenon... watch. i'm right here.

and arnold is running for governor of california, which sounds cool, and for a second i'm swept up in it and i'm thinking "this is something that is funny and ridiculous and great about this country, it'll be an 80-20 type landslide i'm sure of it", and he says this great thing on jay leno about how no one can buy him off because he's got too much money and i like that a lot, but then look though: he is already a politician. look at him. he's finally acting. he's making speeches, he's reaching out to "the people", he's trashing davis like a muthafucka, he's QUOTING TERMINATOR LINES AND GETTING APPLAUSE FOR THEM IN RELATIONSHIP TO HIS BUDDING POLITICAL CAREER... guys. this is freaking scary. i mean maybe this is all very appropriate, but i can't trust this guy now, there's something too orchestrated about the whole thing. maybe he's the antichrist. he is a republican. he's one of those republicans though that can take over the world because liberals don't see him as a republican but give him the benefit of the doubt because he's from a foreign country and they just assume he's so swelling with patriotic americanness that he can be anything he wants.. this is all too much.

the 11 o'clock hour of comedy central is my hour. the daily show is funnier than ever and i revel in it.. and now this wonderful tough crowd, which kills me and makes me appreciate all of this comedian-dynamic and there is something slightly effiminate about colin quinn that i never noticed and he kind of turns me on now, which i mean of course i could have never expected.. i thought the other day, 'i could fall in love with that guy', there is a warm nice funny flirty badassness about him. i am oh so looking forward to denis leary's roast, i've fallen for denis too, though not sexually, but he finally stopped annoying me with his i'mtheassholewholovestosmoke thing, so the world is happier around this hour.

i need air conditioning in my car and then my quality of life will raise about 2 notches, out of 10. i am getting too little sleep, like right now when i should be in bed or reading don quixote but here i am ranting to you people because it gets me off and i feel i'm not living up to my end of the bargain with being this model blogger. i keep coming home from work in a terrible mood, tired and not wanting to deal with jordan or dad's gleefulness and this is a lack of sleep thing, like yesterday with alan and juan which just freaked the hell out of me and i was on edge the whole time tho i faked it well.. alan says it's hard for him to keep up with this blog because it's "not linked on my blog" as if he doesn't know how to type and "melo" is very hard to remember - well just link it then why don't you - so i can assume i'll just type away without him reading this which will switch everything around.. i miss him now, i wanted very much to talk to him this evening and get out of this mood and of course voicemail clicks in, this is what always happens. frank too. i'm hearing all of this big news about frank and i want very much to talk to him and hang out with him one on one and we can never seem to reach each other. my job is getting in the way of my relationships with people. it fertilizes my inherent laziness and gets me in this fixed nothing position and tho i know how unhealthy this all is, i can't help recently but have a near panic attack thinking about how this girl is going to grow out of babysitting needs here in a couple/few years and then i'm going to be out of this horrible perfect job and then i'll need to go out and find something real that scares the shit out of me.. i hate this, i hate this real world stuff. i read alan's self help book he gave me, how to be happy for cynical people, it's kind of a joke, but still, and it said what i know already including "in order to get different results you have to try something different" and this is the crux of my problem here, i can't seem to move in any direction but i'm still expecting different things. my recent boy issues have been with the same boys that have always been around, no one new, and the same kind of things with those boys, and what am i supposed to do about this? i guess you let enough time go by and the same thing is again exciting, which it was, it was all very nice for a moment, but dammit when do new people enter my life? i guess i'm doing things slightly different, acting more bold, and receiving very few but still noticable different reactions, expand on that then? how do i think about people when i have money to think about? that's absurd. people are the only thing that matters, i know that. but still, i apparently can live without people but not very long without money. dammit.

blahblahblah etc etc wipe the files blahblah forget everything blahblahblah i'm throwing in the towel