i've just rediscovered a ridiculously cool song, the first nine inch nails song i ever liked: the perfect drug. what a fuckin awesome song. this was a single in 8th grade, i saw the video, which simultaneously creeped me out and turned me on, apparently, and i've been hooked on this song ever since. though i haven't heard it in literally years! here i had gotten all into nin a while back and completely forgot about the song that started my interest in them in the first place! remember it was on the lost highway soundtrack? man..remember the little boy in the suit in the video and the violins? those guys make good videos. they're so um..i'm not a musicianship expert at all, but i just love all the great effects they throw into this song, they're very technologically interesting.. ooooooo and i want you (those breakdowns = best part) and they sound so good live, from the point of view of that lovely new live cds of theirs.. what an interesting band. i like them. i can finally (6 years after everyone else) see how trent is really extremely sexy - well how can you not want that after hearing a song like closer?

completed portion of 10-12 page existentialism paper due friday at 2pm:
title page (though title may change)
works cited (about 3/4, may need editing)

ha

Wow

big surprise oscar night. this post is addressed solely to frank, as he is the only one who cares as much about this silliness as i do and he actually reads this now (!)

let's all have a moment of silence for daniel day-lewis' loss...

.....

oh but adrien brody was so wonderful and gracious and he kissed halle berry like he was dying tomorrow (how great) and he was genuinely surprised, as was i, and you know, he really was great in that movie. and what he said about the war was great and i'm very happy for him. there's always one big surprise! i was amazed, looking at the best actor nominations again, about how great all the guys are - daniel is of course mindblowing, jack was the best of his career maybe, michael caine was brilliant and moving, so was adrien, and i've forgotten the other one... oh my gosh...wait - shit i'm going to have to look it up (1 minutes later) NICOLAS CAGE..jesus.. well yes in that group he is the most forgettable, but he was still awesome. i wish charlie kaufman had won for best adapted screenplay. the pianist half-swept! it was practially a chicago/the pianist tie! wow

i'm sooo very happy catherine zeta-jones won. and nicole too. and chris cooper of course.

AND MICHAEL MOORE!!!! oh i was laughing and laughing. the only disappointment is he gave that exact same speech last night at the independent spirit awards where he also won (to a much more welcoming audience). oh how they booed him! damn those balcony people. it was hilarious though, i just figure, everyone is thinking similar things but tiptoeing around it, michael just cannon balled into the celebrity pool! ha!

ummm...chicago was a dead ringer but was about the third best movie..wait, lord of the rings was a little better than it too.. i'd still say the hours is the best of those nominated.. and the pianist is a little better than chicago, and what's the other?...gangs of new york, yeah i was more satisfied at the end of gangs than chicago too..lol.. chicago has a little bit of a weak end, that brings the whole thing down. but it is a damn good time.

roman polanski! ha! i liked that. you could feel it in the air. it's a shame he can't come back to the country.. if you didn't hear, he was accused of statutory rape of a.. very young girl.. 11, 12, 13, 14, i'm not sure, never convicted, the judge at the last second betrayed their arrangement and he left the country, so if he ever comes back in he can be arrested. craziness. so on top of that, he survived a concentration camp which he escaped from in WWII AND his then wife sharon tate was brutally murdered by the manson kids! what an insane life! he deserves this damn oscar!

ok goodnight.

well now that i've got a computer i've gone download crazy. i've downloaded 30 jeff buckley songs that i'd never heard before, and there are still 10 or so more, and some fiona apple (remember her? i'm remembering), and, finally, after much trouble, the chicago soundtrack. it's so fun. some soundtracks you should buy and some you shouldn't (hedwig and i didn't click really). so now i get to hear "all that jazz" and "we both reached for the gun" and "when you're good to mama" and "mister cellophane" whenever i like, that's nice. and i've got this handy dandy cd burner so i'm just going to not buy anymore cds. not really.

yeah i'm getting back into fiona, and she is wonderful, and she's been trivialized on sex and the city but i like her all the same. last i heard she was lucky enough to be dating sexy paul thomas anderson, by the way. he is an incredibly good looking man and a very interesting director. she is great, bluesy, piano music and i was thinking, alan, if you like those other piano girls - michelle, vanessa, norah, etc - you would really like fiona. i know you know her, but do you know her well? download some of her stuff, it's very wonderful. go with "a mistake" and "pale september", that should give you the start of a well-rounded fiona perspective. she's not as poppy as vanessa and michelle and she's not as jazzy as norah, but she's just as sultry, and just as easy to listen to. and she's about 50 bazillion times sexier.

here's an interesting snippet of uncomfortable information courtesy of my race class: ever notice the racial make-up of the military? see, most of these kids, the vast majority, enlist for the money. so that means mostly poor people get into the army. and that means there's a lot of minorities. our government waves a lot of money in front of their noses and secures them college tuition for a better future if they'll only serve their country, and they probably won't die, but if they do, the government is most willing to sacrifice them. the draft is even worse - sounds good: if you're in college you're safe, but who can afford to go to college? who is more inclined to go to college? there are people who deny this correlation, like my father, and you've got to shake your head and wonder why. well it's an ugly truth i guess.

i'm getting depressed. you get selfish for a minute and get wrapped up in being a part of history and suddenly you realize what kind of history is happening and it weighs on you, on your shoulders, and you don't really smile all day. god. this could go on for a while. i went to borders this afternoon to just forget about this and sit for hours and read silly entertainment magazines. there wasn't even a strange air, it was as if everyone was practicing being oblivious, and some of them are: i've been watching mtv a lot today, for some reason it's comforting to me, like, people my own age voicing their own opinions about this, and mtv seems to be taking a smart angle here, and gideon yago seems to be very upset under his emo glasses, he was squirming after they showed a video of kids completely apathetic to all of this, one of whom didn't even know we were at war. so yeah, some people are oblivious. i'm now strangely attracted to gideon. i want to rant with him. i know he wants to.
throughout bush's speech the other night, i think the monday night one where he gave the ultimatum, he kept using language like "we have the right to protect ourselves from terrorist threats.." "we must not let this evil dictator carry on his regime of terror.." and i just kept thinking, saddam could be giving this same damn speech to his people, only replace "saddam" with "bush" - we've gone crazy under the guise of helping these people and without any control over what bush does, we are sending our people to kill their people. and they call this "shock and awe", which hasn't even started, "you'll know when it has started" - the casualties are Really going to start then! 77,000 body bags ordered. 250,000 troops.. are these body bags just for our side? and if so, do the troops know congress is estimating 30.8% of them are going to die? these kids are my age, or younger than me, or a couple years older than me, and they're silly so they're already married with kids, a lot of them, and here they are in the desert with M16's, waiting to possibly kill their first human being. most people never kill a person during their lives.
i just hope we get some sort of impeachment trial after this. what was worse, lying about a blowjob or getting us into an unjust war? i'm so scared this thing is going to go down in some way where it looks like a victory so it doesn't matter if it was wrong in the first place, or it's going to end in some attack on us where people are going to ignore that if we'd never messed with the middle east in the first place they wouldn't be messing with us and instead think "we should've attacked them earlier so we could've thwarted this tragedy!" ughhh the iraqi officials are already speaking out against bush, saying he's broken international law, they're going to go to the security council. i hope so much someone at the UN kicks bush's ass for this. he can not get away with this. jon stewart said something interesting: we're defying the UN by going to war without their approval to show that the UN works and its resolutions should be followed... wow.
ok i don't know how much more tv i can watch of this - i keep sneaking a look in nervous anticipation that i'll see a huge carpetbombing on the live-at-baghdad cam - we keep waiting for this, but it's going to be hell when it gets here, and it's going to give us cold chills. and we, like the iraqi people, can only sit here and wait. an anchor said last night something like "and we've got to be careful what kind of damage we do because we're going to own that place in a short time!" this is all so fucking creepy. i don't know what to do.

sorry to talk endlessly about this, but i figure you guys might be invested now, so i should update: greg called this afternoon : ) "i feel like a school girl again!" oh boy. um, so yes i acted all aloof, "who's this?"..he apologized for not being there today, i called him an asshole in jest.. umm..i told him about eddie izzard being on tv last night, he said he stopped being able to pay for tv, then we got into how it sucks to be poor and he can't find work in his area and he sounded pretty depressed, actually, but we had some playfulness, maybe i sounded too casual, though i did my best to drag on the conversation..he's opening in some comedy club on tuesdays but won't tell me where because he wants to make sure it's good before people show up, but i'm eager because spring break is Next Week and that would be the appropriate tuesday to go dammit.. um, i half-invited him to see winged migration with me on sunday, but it's essentially an extended nature special all about birds, so i don't know how much anyone but me actually wants to see that. it's been nominated for an academy award for best documentary though! and it will lose to bowling for columbine. (bowling for columbine is going to get an oscar. how fucking cool is that?) (that movie willard got a good review from orlando weekly. how fucking weird is that? i don't understand that movie.) so..we had pleasant conversation laced with serious undertones, maybe we can have a heart to heart on poverty one day, that would make him realize we are soulmates.. ok i joke - here's a neat twist. he called Twice. yes. once and missed me and he didn't just dismiss it an decide to see me at school the next day, like most people on earth including specific people who may read this blog, Ahem, but he called AGAIN later.. this could mean something..maybe just that he is a considerate person. how refreshing! alright this is fun.

anybody watching the guest hosts on letterman? so far it's been whoopi, vince vaughn, elvis costello, and will ferrell..i freaking love guest hosts, they're hilarious. vince was spectacular. he's about two feet taller than everyone else, it's hilarious. and he had paul simon and paul is literally like 5 feet tall and vince is 6'5, it was outrageous. that can't feel good for paul.

well dammit he didn't show up. this is the second time, and i'm going to kick his ass, and he's going to apologize profusely. dammit. three times a week for an hour is not enough for me here. i want to see several people in that class more often, outside of school, i want to hang out with these people, it was so nice the first time we studied together, and, you know, i don't have a lot of friends on campus so i'm maybe a little over-eager.. i just don't want this to turn into a ny people thing where i got to spend all this time with these incredible people, who really i have much more in common with than a lot of my older friends anymore, and then i just don't get to see them again when said event or class is over. this is sad. i need more friends. friends that are in town and that i can see on a regular basis. not that i have much free time to see anyone. yknow that's a cop out, i do have time, most weekends and mondays are completely free, and spring break is coming up - you know what, i'm getting greg's cell phone number tomorrow before the test and i'm going to hang out with him and whoever else in class over break. i am. that was another nice thing, he asked for my number..tho this may just have been to confirm any info about the study session that was today.. he's not called it to my knowledge, i should've asked for his then, it's very useful to have these people's numbers when they're not showing up somewhere you expect them. i've called and play-yelled at this kid ryan numerous times, he gets times mixed up, i have a slightly flirty/competitive relationship with him, it's interesting. he has an iMac as well..it's philosophy kids, i swear. ok wish me luck with my endeavors, including my big scary existentialism essay test tomorrow afternoon. goodbye.

oh and axel, i'm listening to coldplay over and over again, thank you so much for that cd, i love all the new songs, especially such a rush and superstition.. did they play superstition at the show? there's something familiar about it.
i'm listening to a rotation of coldplay, jeff buckley, and led zepplin right now, exclusively, well and classical/NPR (LISTEN TO NPR) - so this means my libido is going crazy. jeff buckley and led zepplin music is extremely sexual, you wouldn't believe. get into it. quick note about the jeff buckley documentary i saw monday: it was so wonderful but so devastating to think he died and there's that huge "what if" air all over the theatre, like what it feels like to think about james dean, what could these people have become? i can only imagine. here's the incredible thing: jeff idolized led zepplin since he was 4 (the last song he was singing in the mississippi river before drowning in it was "whole lotta love", wow) and then jimmy page was interviewed a few times on the video, saying jeff is possibly the best vocal talent of the last twenty years, and his only released album was maybe his favorite of the decade.. how fucking amazing is that? isn't it every musicians dream to grow up and have your idols idolize you? that's incredible to me. go listen to jeff buckley. and led zepplin.

well, life is both very good and very bad.. i have a new crush and we're going to war.

his name is greg.. he is in my existentialism class...he is my possibly third or fourth crush so far from that class..it's filled with interesting boys who pay attention to you, a very new sensation. he is smart and funny - he is the stand-up comedian who works at SAK, if i've already mentioned that somewhere..he loves eddie izzard..he's seen one more eddie izzard show than i have..his comedy thing isn't paying well so as recently as two weeks ago he was playing wolverine somewhere..i didn't ask, probably islands of adventure, and this is fitting because he looks very much like wolverine.. his head is this flurry of hair..lots of head hair and big manly sideburns.. he is slightly chubby and about one inch taller than i am.. there's this beastly quality to him and it turns me on. plus he has this habit of making intense eye contact with me and smiling at me and we have witty banter..it's very exciting. my stomach goes wild with butterflies very often now, and that's a feeling i've missed desperately..it's been a while, i've had crushes but no real butterflies, and that's one of the greatest feelings in the world.
so i realized he was this cool guy and not just this slightly dorky guy who has a weird sort of grown-up, semi-casual quality to him where he wears nicer shirts and carries a big leather bag with his iMac in it upon studying with him at denny's weeks ago with a few other boys...and i had plans to study with him again last sunday and he didn't show and only people i didn't really care about showed and i was so very looking forward to flirting with him again and so this was disappointing, but he's making up for it and showing up at my follow-up study session, to be held at noon, that's right, just a few minutes from right now..so i get to see this kid in a few minutes, and there's the butterflies. yesterday i walked out with him and a few other people and they suddenly all turned to walk towards their destinations in the opposite direction of where i was going, and i said "bye boys and girls" and they didn't seem to notice and i walked off, kind of sad, and then suddenly he flipped around and yelled bye at me and confirmed our study date..like, hey, he notices me, that's nice. so this is all very nice.

remember when saturday night live did that skit during the 2000 presidential election of what it would be like if each candidate were president..gore was leading everyone in four hour primetime technical readings..nader was very successful but had pigs flying around him, and bush, well, things were exploding in the background - we were at war. what do you know? i can laugh about this right up until the point where i realize our silly bush isn't just being silly, he's getting ready to cause death and destruction, beyond perhaps our wildest imaginations, and if it doesn't end in catastrophe, it will appear to be a victory for him and he'll gain all of this unseen power and be reelected and it's like, nbc showed this countdown from the last year of the big steps in this mess and i was reminded of all of the republicans elected at the last big election and how it was just all slowly being put into place. i have vast conspiracy theories about all of this..about intentions so hideous from so far back we'd shudder to realize them.. the point is this is much scarier than we'd imagined, i am shocked to silence every now and then - maybe it wasn't "just another powerless president".

i have a computer at home now and i'm so pleased..i'm one for three now. we'll see.

so i saw The Pianist yesterday afternoon - and pronounced it "PEE-anist" instead of "pee-AN-ist"..and i'm still mad at roman polanski for making us do things like that. there are so many unnecessary grievances.

the pianist was great..not as unfeeling as some reviews have said, though he is a strange protagonist, there's something you don't like about him, but not as much as i'd expected. frank was right in saying it "showed more" than movies like schindler's list..i think it might have..i liked how it showed the little moments of jewish life even before they were moved into the ghetto. i still think everytime i think of the holocaust if they'd taken a civil disobedience approach like gandhi and just refused to do what the germans wanted..their sheer number would've changed everything, many would've died but not nearly so many, yes? but what an impossible thing to ask of someone..we are followers at our core, it's so hard to take a stand. the pianist tells a beautiful story, adrien brody is, as always, very wonderful, i am very attracted to him..though it's hard to tell he had lost 30 lbs..he is always skinny and the starving moments have him with much unkempt facial hair and big baggy clothes, so you can't tell..i question if it's a hoax, or if it was necessary if it's true. the music is beautiful. go see it.

my existentialism class requires a huge 10-12 page paper due by the end of the semester and we're turning in our paper topics today, which i suddenly remembered at 1am last night..but i have a good one: i want to discuss nietzsche's views that christian morality is against nature...and this i could easily ramble on for 10 pages about, and of course it is summarized very nicely in a few of nietzsche's chapters and this is something i've even been thinking a lot about lately, so i'm actually kind of looking forward to delving into this. this is what i've been thinking: as much as i love the teachings of gandhi and, to some extent, jesus, there is something about nonviolence at all costs that is against human nature...i say i would be willing to die rather than kill someone else, but i'm sure in a moment of sheer terror with someone rushing towards me with intent to harm me, if i had a gun at my side, i would not hesitate to pick it up and shoot them, hopefully in a place that would not kill them. and what of situations where someone you love is at risk? i don't think gandhi ever had the lives of his wife or children at stake, having to choose between their lives and his ideals.. what a terrible decision.
and then there's the side of me that doesn't want to destroy all the evil in the world, that knows that evil is necessary to balance with the good and that life should just be taken all in that way and appreciated.. and yet we strive to eliminate the evil in ourselves? we try to smother out things like hate and revenge and envy and pride, when these things are all very much in our nature to do..so is it right to do that? well i'll be getting into that, won't i? i like these questions.

"s": i read a little of your blog, and i'm going to find time to go back and read more.. i realize now that my mistake on your gender was silly..i only read some things from june 2002, wanted to start at the beginning, so i'm not sure if you're married or not.. i'll comment there later on all that. and what do you mean you were on my first blog?

i am resolved with frank's engagement.. (axel, btw, frank is engaged to girlfriend of 3 or 4 months, lauren)...they're not planning anything until may 2005 and they of course have no immediate desire for children and if something's going to go wrong with them it will probably happen before 2005, and if not, maybe they're meant to be together and that's just fine. still though, someone is going to need to tell him, if this is all going to happen, at some point before it does happen, that the lot of you do not like lauren.. unless you feel like you're getting used to her slowly. but i think that needs to be addressed, tell me what you think alan.

and oh my the florida film festival is next week, which i don't understand because it's usually over the summer but i guess they're looking for better weather..which is smart..but it's just a horrible time for me financially. every damn movie is $8 and i want to see like 15 movies.. well that's not going to happen, hopefully i can get in at least 3 or 4. the one big must-see-for-me: a documentary on the life of jeff buckley...oh my g o d.. i freaked out when i saw this, i'm so excited. i wish alan and jenn could come and see it with me but they don't live here and it's playing on a saturday afternoon, the 21st weekend, but the showtime that's probably best for me is next monday night...and that doesn't work for other people. so many of the films don't come out on video later either..i hate that. i'm still waiting on seven and a match. so there's that.

i'm rereading the sirens of titan, finally..i'm about to launch back into one of the most serene feelings in the universe..i can't wait. here's a cute little review of it by a random guy found over at amazon.com:
"When I read or reread Vonnegut, I often wish to weep: someone so wise, so funny, so irreverant yet reverant, so eloquent, managed to write fifteen to twenty wonderful works after surviving the bombing of Dresden. Hoorah!

SIRENS OF TITANS is startlingly mature for a novel written in 1959 (...). The insights about life and reality which one finds all the way through TIMEQUAKE already are fully developed here.

What insights? The ones obvious to those with ears to hear: that life is governed by accidents rather than the will of divinity; that the concept of "hell" is hideous and wrong; that humans are capable both of great kindness and great depravity; that irony seems to rule the universe with an iron fist; that despite the pains and hardships of life, there still is an astonishing richness of beauty, of wonder, and much to laugh heartily about. When one finds these last three, one might do best by paraphrasing the words of Vonnegut's dad: "If this isn't nice, what is?"

The novel's plot is, as with all classic Vonnegut novels, remarkably serpentine, ingenious, pyrotechnic, comic, and irrelevant. The core of the book is the worldview--but one cannot understand the worldview without experiencing the plot. Form equals content. A neat trick!"

it's calling you, alan..it's calling you...listen to the sirens...