well, life is both very good and very bad.. i have a new crush and we're going to war.

his name is greg.. he is in my existentialism class...he is my possibly third or fourth crush so far from that class..it's filled with interesting boys who pay attention to you, a very new sensation. he is smart and funny - he is the stand-up comedian who works at SAK, if i've already mentioned that somewhere..he loves eddie izzard..he's seen one more eddie izzard show than i have..his comedy thing isn't paying well so as recently as two weeks ago he was playing wolverine somewhere..i didn't ask, probably islands of adventure, and this is fitting because he looks very much like wolverine.. his head is this flurry of hair..lots of head hair and big manly sideburns.. he is slightly chubby and about one inch taller than i am.. there's this beastly quality to him and it turns me on. plus he has this habit of making intense eye contact with me and smiling at me and we have witty banter..it's very exciting. my stomach goes wild with butterflies very often now, and that's a feeling i've missed desperately..it's been a while, i've had crushes but no real butterflies, and that's one of the greatest feelings in the world.
so i realized he was this cool guy and not just this slightly dorky guy who has a weird sort of grown-up, semi-casual quality to him where he wears nicer shirts and carries a big leather bag with his iMac in it upon studying with him at denny's weeks ago with a few other boys...and i had plans to study with him again last sunday and he didn't show and only people i didn't really care about showed and i was so very looking forward to flirting with him again and so this was disappointing, but he's making up for it and showing up at my follow-up study session, to be held at noon, that's right, just a few minutes from right now..so i get to see this kid in a few minutes, and there's the butterflies. yesterday i walked out with him and a few other people and they suddenly all turned to walk towards their destinations in the opposite direction of where i was going, and i said "bye boys and girls" and they didn't seem to notice and i walked off, kind of sad, and then suddenly he flipped around and yelled bye at me and confirmed our study date..like, hey, he notices me, that's nice. so this is all very nice.

remember when saturday night live did that skit during the 2000 presidential election of what it would be like if each candidate were president..gore was leading everyone in four hour primetime technical readings..nader was very successful but had pigs flying around him, and bush, well, things were exploding in the background - we were at war. what do you know? i can laugh about this right up until the point where i realize our silly bush isn't just being silly, he's getting ready to cause death and destruction, beyond perhaps our wildest imaginations, and if it doesn't end in catastrophe, it will appear to be a victory for him and he'll gain all of this unseen power and be reelected and it's like, nbc showed this countdown from the last year of the big steps in this mess and i was reminded of all of the republicans elected at the last big election and how it was just all slowly being put into place. i have vast conspiracy theories about all of this..about intentions so hideous from so far back we'd shudder to realize them.. the point is this is much scarier than we'd imagined, i am shocked to silence every now and then - maybe it wasn't "just another powerless president".

i have a computer at home now and i'm so pleased..i'm one for three now. we'll see.