it's so funny when you see a boy walk by who is not altogether fat, just has a strange sense of..well he has breasts..and my first reaction is "damn, his boobs are bigger than mine.." but this is not really true..mine are quite large..does anyone want them? i'm looking to give them to a good home. this is a much more suburban version of what i'm really feeling all the time which is: JUST CHOP THEM OFF!! FUCKING..mammary..MONSTERS! ahhh alliteration.. my brother and i had sat and wondered once if all the breast tissue in all the world was divided equally among all the women in all the world, how big would everyone's titties be? i can't figure it out..i bet there are more small breasted women than large, though, i would think.. and then you make the same wealth comparison and that's i guess the principle reason so many people are capitalists, because if we really were to divide it up equally it would make everyone po'..because the ratio of poor to rich in the world has got to be about 1000:1..and probably much more severe than that. absurd really.

ok let me...let me ramble here a while..i have casual things to talk about and serious things to talk about and the order could very well determine the predominant mood here..what you think of me when you're done reading..and i don't know what i want that to be just yet..

you know this is strange having a stranger reading here regularly..i always wonder about people who insist on anonymity..i expect this "s" person is a male in his late 20s/early 30s..and if i'm wrong about that just don't tell me so i can assume i'm right.. or do tell me, whatever. i hope this does not affect how i would write (type) normally..probably not..but it adds a weird dimension. hey ok

let me go quickly into the casual i guess, this i'm inserting later after writing the first half of all the below and realizing i can't get into the casual after that, it's just not natural, so basically it's just that this weekend i've gone to see four movies.. i know, she's out of control, yes i know..and three in one day..i know, jesus..well i had gone for like two weeks before without seeing anything as a fasting-type thing for the ny trip..so..i binged a little. damn all the movies that come out just whenever they please that i really want to see and thus take over my life completely.. so let me talk about them, let me purge.. (i'm teetering on hystrionic here..a symptom of various mental illnesses my mother suffers from..they pop up every now and then in me, watch out) so first i saw the life of david gale..and it sucked. i need to maybe stop reading the reviews before i go because lately i'm agreeing completely with them and it may be because i've set myself up to do that.. but it really was preachy and i'm so tired of kevin spacey and his..as roger moore puts it, tendency towards these "gimmicky, edgy characters who make long speeches", which is such a perfect way to put it..and the twist is more annoying that mind-blowing ladies and gentlemen..no Se7en here.. so yeah, definitely 2 star movie..and then i saw old school..and what set me off to actually seeing it was jay boyar giving it fucking 4 stars (!!) which is unheard of..but it's so worthy of that.. i loved it..i thought it was hilarious. i need everyone to see it and see if they can tell the difference between it and like the american pies and..all of those other stupid comedies that look like the american pies..because it's a very different dimension of stupid comedy..and i think the thing is it has better comedic actors.. luke wilson, vince vaughn, and will ferrell (who should get an oscar, wow) are on a completely different level from all these dumbfuck kids in these other stupid comedies... let's call them shit monkies, my new collective slang for children..so anyway, great time.. and then i saw the quiet american, which is fucking fantastic, and exactly the mood i was expecting and looking for.. that very jeremy irons in Lolita feel..it's a desperate longing..it's love and war..it's such a beautiful film, and so moving, such beautiful music.. about vietnam in the 50s, before the americans came in a fucked things up even more for those people, when the french were battling the communists and trying to set up their puppet government (sound familiar?) and brendan fraser comes in, as the quiet american, and represents the US saying they "aren't colonialists", so casually, and there was a significant laugh in the theatre..you can't imagine, none of us can imagine what it would be like to live in a place like that, war-torn and fearing for your life at every side road and shop, for like 20 years..longer actually..like the people in israel today, we can't imagine..what do you say? unfortunately now i can see that daniel day-lewis has some heavy competition with michael caine..dammit..but still, i wouldn't scream and cry if caine won. he's wonderful. and then today i saw talk to her, finally, that spanish movie everyone's talking about..the director is nominated, which is very cool, and very deserving...i saw his All About My Mother two years ago, which was good, but strangely unsatisfying..i think this is his life's masterpiece..it's really impressive..and also strange, but no still good. it moves you in the weirdest way..it's all about women, the director's love of women, which is so obvious and beautiful..you know i was thinking the other day about how so many of the predominant poets and writers and musicians etc are straight men, for so many centuries, so mostly we all get to hear plenty about how glorious women are..and we can fall in love with these idealized women so easily..they're weather-beaten and flawed in so many ways, they feel the emotional pain of the world, and yet they hold themselves just so that we can see how incredibly beautiful they are and want to touch them and hold them and help them however we can..women are a universe.. and now i want women to come up and take these speaking positions and tell the world how incredible men are, because, at least a few of them really are..they have their own beauty. ok to the serious..

i came here in a fury, on a sunday afternoon when i really should've just stayed home and stopped acting on impulses and waited til tomorrow when i'd be at school anyway so as not to waste More Gas..this whole not having a computer thing i could do without.. if i'm not careful i get really hung up on these little things that i really need (want?)..and it's about 3 fairly major things that if i had One, life would be significantly easier the other two would not be quite so pertinent, but none seem to be at all reachable right now so i'm left to just, only every now and then, sit and think to myself..if i only had a cell phone..if i only had a computer..if we only had an extra car.. it's really suffocating to think how far away these things seem.. and really, most of the time you can just live your life in a minimalist sort of way and make do with what you have and everything feels perfectly doable, but it's just those few moments where it swarms around you and you feel like you're going to explode for want of these worldly possessions.. ahh

what i'm in my fury about it my brother..something has finally gone wrong, he's lost his edge of perfection..i fear it may be all downhill from here. this has been sneaking up kind of slowly, this religion thing, that is: my brother is being swallowed up by religion..christianity, of course, and he's going to church once or twice a week down the street and getting really involved with this youth group and it doesn't help that the assistant coach on his soccer team is the youth group head guy so he's always there reminding him, offering him a ride, offering him a prayer-over-the-phone time..at first it seemed like he was coercing jordan, but now i realize this has all been perfectly within jordan's personal decisions..and i hate it so much. right when religion seemed like this monkey slowly crawling off my back, it's lept onto my head.. my dad will always have it in him, my mom will always sort of have it in her, but we don't see her anymore so that's fine, but dad hasn't been going to church of late because the cab schedule (it was bad enough when his one day off would be monday, and of course he'd have to sleep in til 5 and then i'd so look forward to hanging out with him and jordan and having dinner or something and they would spring on me that they're going to church instead..godammit) and now dad just keeps to all of his books by christian authors..even economic books..there is nothing this religion doesn't touch..he can't even read a fucking book..and i've tried to get him into these other types of books and he just doesn't hold any interest. fine. he's my father, so he's always a certain arm's length away in that parent realm where i'm supposed to have some big disagreements so that's one of them and i can't do anything about it, so fine. but jordan has been, if there have to be sides, on my side for almost a year now, perfectly on my side, we were our own little unit when we needed to be. this was of course to offset his being not on my side for the other 15 years of his life..i felt like, you know, i'd paid my dues, we'd hated each other, or i at least i'd hated him, and i'd had my suicidal rebellious years and seperated from my parents and left him by the wayside and became this nice independent person and now i was coming back to the family unit, particularly to jordan, and this all felt very grownup and relaxed and perfect. i figured this dynamic would last at least another couple of years..then i'd be out of school and i'd move out and life would start over again as it should because let's face it you can't have this umbilical thing attached forever..you can't live down the street from you family forever. i don't think you can anyway. you know, i can't stick with all these people in my life forever or else eventually everyone will be married with kids and dad will want more grandchildren, hint hint, and i'll be like this purple elephant in their midsts and i can't have that, there has to be a time when i become this myth to everyone.. oh yes, remember her, well now she's this fancy (enter title here) traveling around the world..and oh yes i heard she was dating george clooney..no just kidding, but you know, similar to that. wow, talk about pour my soul out.. what i came here to complain about was religion, and all that above is just what i'm assuming will now happen to my life as a result..see religion is the thread that holds together my whole family dynamic..it's weaved its way through my entire life and screwed me up or set me free so many times it's become repetitive and i'm just fucking sick of it. i wish it never existed.

it would be one thing if we could all have our religious beliefs and leave it at that and live in harmony and not judge each other. but it's completely the opposite of that. i imagine there are religious people in the world who can follow this way of life and i think they're probably associated with some kind of eastern philosophy because they seem to be the only ones who come close to saying they are not the absolute truth and all other beliefs are bullshit..but christianity and all of these more western religions accept no other belief..they say love thy neighbor but abhor his sin, and his sin is often breaking that first commandment and not loving their god as much as they'd like you to..i don't know if i've said this before here, but i think religion may do more harm than good in that it does one major thing all the time, and that's to divide us..it brings people together when they agree with each other, which is something that happens anyway, but when they disagree on this seemingly small notion to some, but to most who adopt these views it's everything, it's their whole life, and when they find someone who does not adopt that same system of beliefs they can not fully be comfortable around them..you can not ever really love the sinner, like they say to do, that's against human instinct, i can't just sit in a room with a member of the kkk and be his friend all his life and be fine with our differing views, that's ridiculous..and i'm convinced the only reason my dad can stand this division between us is that he hasn't fully thought it thru or he's in denial, thinking i'll eventually come back to christianity since i'm such a fan of being good and kind and striving for right and christianity, in his eyes, is the embodiment of that and he can't see any other belief or lack thereof that can accomodate that personality adequately..or he thinks that once a christian, always a christian, because it's i guess unclear in the bible as to if anything can sever god's ties to a person once they've committed themselves to him, no matter what they choose later.. but dammit i want him to think this through, because if i die before him, he'll have to sit and wonder where "my soul" went, if i'm in heaven or if the bible is right and those who do not believe jesus is our lord and savior must suffer in hell..so he'll have to choose between believing i'm a good enough person where nothing bad could come to me after death, and thus his religious views have big gaping holes in them, or the bible is fact and his only daughter is in the pit of hell.. and this might be just the jolt he needs - but a very big part of me fears he would stay in denial and not question his beliefs, or choose his religion over me, as the bible teaches to do, fucking abraham attempting to murder his son to commit to his faith in god!! what a fucking insane story that is! if god asked me to kill my son to show my faith and commitment to him, i'd say fuck off..no god i want to believe in would do something like that..ugh it drains me. that goes back to the thing of i'd die for most causes but i wouldn't kill for any..

so jordan just got back from this weekend tampa trip to go to this enormous christian concert with his youth group and he comes back all slaphappy and he takes every bit of secular music that is mostly mine from his room, but also several of his, and sets them all on the table in the living room..and there it hits me.. shit it's taking him over. i go "please don't tell me you're giving up secular music". and he says "ok i won't" which i guess means he's going to but he won't tell me..fuck. see, i can't do anything about this. he goes and these people put this shit in his mind, they say he doesn't Have to do it, but if he wants to be all the christian he can be, he should do it..and there you go and he'll start listening to all christian music and stop watching certain movies and tv shows and stop cussing and start hanging out exclusively with this one group of people that give him this one limited view of influence..FUCK. i mean, if i went off and joined a cult, not a radical one where we all end up killing ourselves, but some cult, my family couldn't do anything about it, it's my decision, i'm an adult, but they'd still be fucking pissed off and uncomfortable with it.. because like i said, this isn't just another side of jordan, it's slowly becoming him, or he's slowly becoming it, whichever, and i can't do a fucking thing, and if i plead my case it will just alienate him and he'll not trust me anymore or come to me anymore for whatever..he'll see me as an outsider. does anyone understand the gravity of this situation? first this fucking religion causes me insurmountable pain when my parents use it as an excuse to throw out all of my cds and posters and not let me watch certain movies or go to certain concerts, all of which really only makes me hate them and keeps me severred from them forever...and of course there are bible verses spat at me from crying mother who uses them to blame me for her wasted life and show how i'm evil now..and then it leaves me outside my dad and brother's little unit, because they still want to go to church and i obviously don't..fine, but now after getting so fucking close to my brother it is tugging him away slowly. not to mention just the entire damn world who has some sort of strong religious belief and announces it everywhere, alienating me and the millions of others who just don't want a firm belief in this sketchy bullshit.. it's so amazing, let me tell you, to walk thru a religious world, with 90% pretty damn sure a god exists, and it's not that you absolutely don't believe, it's just that you're trying to be realistic so you're not sure..and they make you feel evil for questioning, or like a fucking purple elephant..it's a horrible feeling, you almost want to say everyone suffers from a form of mental illness, which religious beliefs certainly constitute if you think about it. delete God insert extraterrestrial life (which there is actually physical proof of!) and you've got a certified crazy... well there you go.

ok anyway, this is what's troubling me right now, and a little bit always, boy it's exhausting. and, you know, even if you suddenly find out there isn't a god, that doesn't mean you have to lose all hope in everything...you had hope before when you thought he existed, the only thing that changed was you.. can there be no hope in humanity? in just the goodness of human beings? can you not satisfy your need for grand scale organization by looking at nature and, however the hell it got here, it works amazingly together and it will always surprise you? alright i'm preaching to the converted and to the never-will-convert.. whatever. it's a losing battle, isn't it? i'd love to give up caring altogether, but these things keep happening where it stands right in front of my face, saying "not touching you! not touching you!" and i guess i don't have to get all huffy about it, but it's pretty damn hard not to.