remembering thursday july 12th 2001:

Suicidal tendencies come easy. I blame them on mother. I call myself her. I sit at the table and watch with a blank stare at the people that find it so easy to smile and have a great time together and I get jealous and I feel alone and I just wish I could do that but then I think it’s because they know each other better than either of them knows me and i think, oh that should make me happy with it, but it doesn’t and I’m left to feel the outcast and I’m so very tired of being by myself because I’m so very bored with myself and I’m tired of pretention and I’m tired of big words and I’m tired of jenn even though there’s no real reason to be except for me, but for anyone else it’s just plain silly jealousy or just the sickening of looking in the fucking mirror all the time, but others don’t do it for me either. I’m am forever dissatisfied. If I were to write a book it would be called the narcissist. Sigur ros gets me there and brings me up and their ability to do both is !
astounding. But I’m in no mood for the up. There is a word for utter hopelessness and despair and pain and defeat and anger that describes what I want to say in front of this sentence that I always say “I’m just like mom”. I’ve completely earned all of it. I meant to say something besides earned but I thought earned first so maybe it’s meant to be. I’m so very tired. Things like showers become a chore.. small talk.. little things no person should be afraid to do.. I’m so very tired. Help help help I have no one. I thought I could go up to bryce with this wonderful gut wrenching speech and be completely honest and just give him my number and leave, but but… I could never. Or that thought is paralyzing me. Ya I’m so tired of alan. I have used himup. Sorry alan. He deserves so much better. They all do. I’d feel bad for them if I could just stop feeling bad for myself….. I am her. I don’t want someone to fix me.. I’ll have nothing. I want a fresh ear.. I !
want to feel like I’m not becoming a burdon on someonei want the feeling that I’m not wearing someone else out.ineed that someone help help helllpem television: they make me feel guilty what!? I’m not gung ho about going out so I am lazy? A bad person? I am the scum of the earth? Sure. Tv makes me stop thinking.. andmovies.. I think but I’m not lost in MY thought which oculd easily kill me.. I jump to the end of every sentence because I know how they all end and they’re never good and I can’t figureout how to change that.. inevitability hellphellllllllpppppp. Oh jesus. Books can’t do it anymore. I completely stop paying attention and think instead.. all the while reading the fucking words. No comprehension. I then feel bad because vonnegut deserves better.. I can’t help him.. I am never a good fan, never was. Help. I’m thinking that maybe…. Maybe I’ll just die.. no that never happpens, maybe I’ll take the year off.. no that never happens. Let’s le!
t MORE people down. YEAH! The stomach hurts so I think about thaat…. I thought physical pain wouldn’t’ be as bad but then off I ran from it.. well it’s not that it was worse, just something I could consciously stop. Yea….. jonah always spells “cuz” “cos” and I thought it was so cute and endearing but I could never bring myself to do it (self loathing) I think I’m getting the fear…. I miss jude.. all I want is jude.. his face, his voice, his lips, his eyes.. the hair.. the slender grace.. of jude. I can’t help it.. my breath catches.. it’ll never happen in reallife and I’m making myself cry because theree is the most abundant supply of self pity in me as there ever was in any human.. sigur ros is lifting up. Ami too to lift up? Is it that simple? It always has been.. what then? The length of this is comforting.. I can’t help but say comforting . oh here’s my escape.. number 7. Diving thru water and swimming forever until I happily fade away.. or sit and ask the blu!
e mother for 1000 years to make me a real boy… oh there’s such saddness. I can’t help it (you CAN) I need to change EVERYTHING and it takes so much work and I’m so LAZY and I can’t stop digging I can’t stop digging I CAN and I won’t or something I have no idea I just want to fix this.. I just want things as I know them to change.. any change will do, give me something to talk about. Love would do. Where is love? Love is everywhere but inside me.. and I think that feeling is love, and maybe the jude obsession is love.. and maybe the smile at the horses and the hills and the music and the sky and the air is love, oh MAYBE THAT IS LOVE and I’ve forgotten to call it love but there must be REAL LIVE PEOPLE love in me somewhere that I’m just not seeing.. oh how I’d die for real live people love.. help to own COOK BOOKS. To talk about inane things and just not care about all the things I care about now because I am doiong no good by caring I am only hurtin gmyself and I !
amapparently paralyzed from the top of the head down in dooing ANYTHING about anything I care about ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; what do I care? Sometimes I don’t, but I fear these times are my most real and I can’t I can’t fix this even though I could really use a fix.. I could really use some love. I could really use some lasting joy. I culd really use a month without fear or depression or weakness.. I could really use a lot of these things. I don’t see life ending by me and I don’t see it going on by nature.. I don’t see anything.. and I’m scared to death. And I just wish I could sleep forever and ever and never care again.

that's as real as i get. i can't apologize for the darkness in these past few posts. just the way it is. don't read if it gets you down.
but as there are always brighter sides - i just watched Home for the Holidays again, and it's one of my alltime favorites, directed by jodie foster, with wonderful holly hunter and robert downey jr and geraldine chaplin - and it makes me very very happy and warm feeling. see it as soon as you can.

lovemelo

alright last night i had a most wonderful dream, or dream sequence.. and i think i might've actually willed some of my action.. so woo.. but i can't be sure. the part i remember is i was walking into some room and i was this sexy woman that everyone was staring at and i saw a broken watch on the floor and i bent over and licked my finger and picked it up with the moistness on my finger.. somehow.. and then i look over at the wall and robert downey jr. is standing there about to cry because it was so sexy (i have no idea) and i think this is where i took over because it felt like i was going against the script or something and i just walked over and kissed him. really kissed him. and this is why i love dreaming so much - it almost, almost, makes up for my lack of sexual activity in waking life - because i can seriously feel this stuff.. and i woke up with that.. post-robert-kiss feeling.. can you people feel things physically in your dreams? i'm just ecstatic about it. i just felt the face.. and this passionate kiss and then my cheek and nose against the side of his face in.. i don't know, exasperation. how fantastic. i feel very blessed. i think i need to go and just make out with a bunch of people, whatdoyouthink? =)

lovemelo

a new movie obsession:

the royal tenenbaums.

ohh i'm so so so excited. rushmore was one of the best films ever.. and luke wilson is strangely yummy.. and wes anderson is another genius. i'm so glad people like that live in the world. now if i could just figure out when us other-than-new-yorker-and/or-LA-ers get to see it.

lovemelo

jordan and i went horsebackriding today. and now i want to live in the country. it's so beautiful. just open land and cities so very far away in the distance and the Cold and the Sunset - wow. and there is intimacy when standing next to a horse petting his neck. horses and dogs - all i want. we had such a great time. you know that scene in city slickers 1 where they're riding in a line and singing the "dun du-du-dun-du-du-dun-du-du-dun-du-du-dun-DUN" song - that was us. i have the fear but jordan was this virginic ball of laughter and excitement and i-want-to-go-FASTER and i was so so glad to see he loved it (after so many years saying "horses, nooo..i have external genitalia). beautiful house and beautiful horses and beautiful land and beautiful day. and here is my reminder note to myself to get eddie izzard out of my aunt's vcr. (all i want is to infiltrate everyone's thoughts with izzardisms)
hey you know what sizist department stores get? a giant middle finger.
i have two and two more on m'feet if you want to count them.
Cold cold is SO SO SO much better than Hot hot. i can't begin to tell you. and it's because i am not a Hot hot frame of mind person. i'm a Cold cold frame of mind person. and so my life in florida is completely unnatural.. and i will end up somewhere with frozen hands and ears and nose but i'll at least be natural. breath in air.. mmm.
and it smells nicer.
and i like the clothes more.
and it's romantic.
and you can help it.
why-o-why can't i escape mesquitos though? there's one on my computer moniter right now. huh
my aunt has this extremely large extremely cushiony leather couch. and you sit and can just die in it.. and never want to leave.. and it has gigantic pillows to hide under. and it's my favorite couch of all time. and the dogs here are wonderful.. i just love the relationships we have with animals - it's all centered around us touching them. imagine that with humans. that's hilarious. so i just love on these animals every second i can.. they're wonderful. isabelle the golden retriever and ellie the springer spaniel. and patches the paint with penis envy who had to be faster and then much more faster than the other horses and scared me to death a few times. i was a cherokee indian princess on him.. yes.. winding brook or some such thing. i can imagine.

lovemelo

well lessee, it was a blistery 30/45ish today.. with wind chill.. "gusting winds".. i saw my breath tonight for the first time in over a year. tonight was the annual mom-family get-together.. only at a different house now because two members went and died and the other place had too many memories. so here was this gathering of all of these people i never see and i felt more a part of them this time.. not so much "one of the kids" as much as one of the kid/adults that i always wanted to be a part of. it's funny, the heirarchies in families. the little ones were adorable and the big ones were a mix of fun and cool and too-grown up and realistic with babies and sore backs and swelled stomachs from having babies and look here at the newlywed couple who already look distant and ready for divorce. it's a scary world. my anti-kids/marriage views were reinforced over and over tonight.. though the kids thing gets iffy every now and then. they're cute every few thousand minutes, you know? little boys are so much better than little girls. i don't care what anyone says.
the flight up here was hell and hell some more.. a quick rundown:
forget cell phone
have to pack up mom hospital room quickly in crazy 85 degree heat because she's so cold
late for plane??
take wrong route to airport
no cell phone
wait, cell phone, call dad, oh dear, longest route imaginable
late for plane????
finally airport, now i'm the only healthy strong one so i must lug around all 8 pieces of luggage to three different places
here and here and here and here... oh then please lug them all over here ma'am so we can search them, thank you and have a nice day
fuck you
fine, thanks very much
melody's underwear all over the table... handfulls and handfulls of underwear
sweat
seedy eyes the searcher had.. what could he have been thinking
it's a good thing i didn't have a vibrator
no water. more sweat.. LATE FOR PLANE!?
finally done, take 80 pieces of carry-on and mom in wheelchair and run and run and wait in security line and search carry-on and get scanned for a few minutes (LATE FOR PLANE??)
search grandmother.. insulin, oh my! yes she's diabetic goddamn you
run to shuttle.. miss shuttle by a few seconds. OF COURSE
just enough time to get boarding pass and help mom go to the bathroom and HELLO start my period in the middle of all of this
flight: isle with CRYING BABY
crawling-around-kid
trash and poopy diapers and apple juice and me facing the wrong direction in the front so unable to overt eyes and lean back.. mom trying to talk to me endlessly when i JUST WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC
st.louis airport: lunch, i drop my sandwich all over floor. start mild cold. rush rush rush

and i think that's all one needs in one lifetime. and then once in tulsa everything was magically better.. mother/grandmother didn't bother me nearly as much.. new surroundings.. not so much them invading my terrority. (though fucking dad and jordan left town in the uhaul with the cat having escaped.. neighbors still haven't found him.. i fear he's gone foreverr.. i hated them for a good few hours.. such inconsiderate bastards.. later i had a dream that they took him to a vet and put him down and i sobbed hysterically in the dream. who needs this?)

ummmmm...and so everything was great for the first few days, the nice little 99 toyota avalon is mine to drive wherever and drives GREAT and that's wonderful... and then i go to our great pizza place down here with dad and jordan once they get in town and dad does an asshole thing and my mind goes nuts about what all else he does and never apologizes for and how jordan goes along with it every time and here is this utter downward spiral (and yes i kept thinking what a female i was being - it's even harder to be in a pit of shit and hate who you are in that pit) and there was no conversation and it was excrutiating and i kept looking at the door (Run Free) i had the keys.. no.. retreat to bathroom.. shit i was in that goddamn hole i get into.. and i can't see any other solution than that i have a mood disorder (i am turning into my mother more and more everyday and it scares the shit out of me and i can't do anything about it because it feels so natural) stilll haven't talked to dad much.. in a daze i drove home and screamed for something to do other than go back to the apartment.. i stopped at a gas station to get a paper, glimpsed the clerk from the window and although ugly i had this dry depressed thought of just fucking him in a storage closet or something to get away from this feeling.. what that kind of life would be like. and i go home and have a ridiculously sexual dream about alan.. watching dawson's creek and joey and dawson making out turn into me and alan making out (and so much more, jesus) and i'm not phased by these things at all anymore because they seem to happen so often. but i still wake up feeling all strange and thinking about axel's blog commentary and how simple it was.. but it's just so much more than that.. i don't know.. maybe this is obvious to everyone else in the viewing audience but things that should be there aren't there, so what can you do? and i wake up and write about it and the previous night and there is this nonstop period of hours of insanity and depression and none is showed to these people but i just can't stop running over and over this shit that i can't seem to escape from and write things like this:

"How unhappy can one person feasibly be before they just die?

These and other questions fall into the “never ask a person you don’t want to upset” category.

James Dean and Bridget Jones.

Cry and Laugh.

“Is that all there is?”

every moment today was maddening and I don’t think I’m going to end up alright. I see no way out. I see nothing happy in the future. I want to call alan. I want to die and take drugs and forget and have a lobotomy. Where is the muffin man? How far do I have to go into this desert? Where is at least an oasis?

I Keep Breaking Into Song when I’m not even happy and they are all sleeping now and I need to leave or WHAT!? I don’t know. Probably nothing.

There is a possibility that I am in some way schizophrenic. I talk to myself incessantly. I don’t know if that counts as voices or not. I somehow think all my thoughts of how normal most of my unhappinesses are will end up being totally abnormal. And one day someone will say “how did you live like that!?” and I will shake my head and say I didn’t. where is suicide when you need it? Why does it seem like such a distant but distinct option? Why can you be so close to someone yet so far away from them? Yes this is me standing here next to you but I am not at all here.. look at my eyes, not into them, you can only look At the eyes of someone who’s not there. You do not look into dolls’ eyes.

Oh dear. Everything’s changed and will again."

and then a few hours later it's all gone and that place i was when i wrote that where i couldn't imagine how anything in life could ever get better without then getting much worse turned into just kind of fluttery nothingness.. reading buddyhead and friend's blogs and talking to friends brings me back a little.. at least from my head.. i want a coma in a pill.. certain pills for certain lengths.

guys. i'm in trouble. no i'm serious. this is all bullshit. i'm just typing. i'm seriously in trouble. something has to change or one of these moods will hit at an opertune time and i'll say goodbye to everything and i'm fucking serious this is a possibility and i can't think of how to fix it.

for a moment tonight after i dropped my brother off i thought for the first time how i truly loved him to death and if i should die he'd be the one i'd really really really really not want to hurt.. so that's motivation enough. ok.. vanilla sky was very very great and made me completely forget about life for over two hours. very very great. cameron crowe is a genius.

if it wasn't so easy to Give Up.. things would be different. but it is. and i'm naturally lazy. and it's not like i have no happiness. there's a lot of happiness. moods just take over some time and i can't think outside them at all. and a person who goes to therapy and takes pills and goes to work and goes to school and lives and lives and dies is not ther person i want to be.

see the craziness that i run into in oklahoma? well tomorrow jordan and i get to take a mini road trip to a cousin's house to ride horses and have a good ole time. so there is always that.
do not take good moods for granted. or normalcy.

lovemelo

axel m'love,

online conversations are hard to decipher.. and i don't know chris personally, and it felt genuine to me but refer to point A.. how sweet though especially at the "like everything".. that's nice. and i'd go and just be as objective as possible, and have fun if you want (as i'm telling everyone to do) but only if it's just fun and not feelings.. weigh what's worse and better.. have fun. don't get hurt.

good times, noodle salad.

lovemelo

silly boy with dillusions of grandeur - don't tell him, don't tell him he'll find out soon enough

boy-love is seductively sweet

you've sold me, kristin - bring me some and we'll wipe out our lives puff by puff, i give up

anykind of boy-love, really.. boy-boy, boy-girl.. but from the boy-perspective, it's just kind of sigh-good.

that word i left out: INTERGALACTIC jazz licks - i often forget, see Slam was on hbo the other day - i enjoy saul, who i think directed as well - reminders of Winn SHWE SHWAYY - hey melt me all over boy

was it dean? was it dean moriarty? dean moriarty? jack's idol in On the Road? i think it was dean. here's how he looks: (somebody scream) - that's what he looks. he is this ball of fiery life and passion and SCREAM SOMEBODY - yes that's what he looks. that's dean moriarty.

"live and let die" - sounded like a zepplin but of course it was the beatles, of course.. "i was surprised. were you surprised? i was surprised." that's the proof (not in pudding) - not boybands of the 60s, no, true, real - a nonmusicalgenius band according to jonah but NO JONAH I DISAGREE, genius, i say, genius band - "no, MATURE...mature ejaculation.. wise, old man ejaculation.. man who does the cleaning-up ejaculation.." here's how the head is spinning - jordan saying "i FANCY you" all over town to everyone who breathes, hilarious i think. i like him. he'll do.

where is the mulberry bush they sing about? i want to find it and dance around it, yeah?

if i were to..say...suddenly decide to NOT GO TO OKLAHOMA.. i don't think it would go over well. i would say out of nowhere "ok i'm not going to tulsa" and there would be argument and then maybe i'd win or lose and if the first i'd have all of this alone time with the car and home and maybe cat before we have to give him away and and and then maybe.. no i don't see anything after that. causes too much problems.

well i guess there's nothing else

lets close our eyes and think for a second.. down with comments i said.. today we announce the birth of.. ____ oh what was it, that witty thing i said or thought i said in the car today or at the soccer game, oh, the birth of DEATH SOCCER.. throw out rules and just go at it like your life and the lives of your family and favorite friends and and little puppy depend on it..the first one to die is the ref, they say. "his ___ jazz licks.. my ears.. as i riiiiide his tongue and (?) groooove to the sound of beats no man has EVa touched." it's sexy, that way she said it.. so let's say .. let's say wait

welll..

an interesting observation of drunken people is that they finally pay attention to you (me) - "oh, melo! we should hang out!" yea hon where were you a couple of hours ago? and as false as it is, it was sort of a guilty pleasure, even though i don't plan on making a habit of it.. people are shockingly annoying when they're "drunk".. not like the movies at all. feels like half intoxication and half acting like they're intoxicated.. everything reaks of exaggeration. some more than others. kids are really dumb, aren't they? i mean, when you get right down to it..

it looks as if i'm going to oklahoma. i didn't really want to, even though it will probably be a semi-positive experience, i just hate the little things of assisting all of these sick/injured people and i apparently have to fly up there on the 18th with mom and grandmother so that should be bushels of fun. ready to jump out of the plane? YES. ohboyohboyohboy.. and dad and jordan get to drive all of mom's stuff up there and have a wonderful bonding experience while i, well i don't. can i have a whole person, ever? no? can i end it now then?
and then we'll come back the 29th (dadjordanandi) in the plane, and i'll listen to music with gigantic headphones that try to erase everything going on around me (and do so very well) and get to the point of bursting wanting to be home and away from that ugly life i just dropped off and maybe start fresh and .. spend time with friends? if i'm lucky. i need a better new years plan this year. like i need water.
i'm contemplating money.. and how i have about $700 now.. and that'll probably go quickly this month on presents and any quick fix i can get my hands on.. and then i have like $2400 coming in the end of january.. so do i even need to be saving? or worrying? should i just live off of college money and stop thinking about the future? my problem with planning for the future by things like "saving" is that there is so much hell to be put thru whilst saving to get to.. what? a larger chunk of money later on to feel a little safer? but what is money if you're not spending it? it's pointless. and this is a teenage perspective, i know.. but i mean i'm not looking to put out a mortgage on a house or anything. jesus fucking christ.
i think stress is actually being felt physically through my head now. i had a panic moment a few days ago where the car was dying and i was very hot and i wanted to dropkick my grandmother to timbuktu and dad and jordan were being dad and jordan and i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life and i could actually feel painful pressure all around my forehead and temples.. and then i was relieved for a moment with crazy singing squirrels. but crazy singing squirrels can't always help you. so i need a more lasting relaxation/stress-relief technique.. i'm thinking more along the lines of a lifestyle. or else i'm going to end up.. badly. life change is the hardest thing in the world for me to comprehend. not things that happen to you, but things that you do to change - i can't bare the thought of embarking on anything.. even if it's the best thing in the world for me. help help help

my cds are in the car which is in the shop til tomorrow. but if i had them now i'd like to listen to....

yeah i can't think.. i thought of at the drive-in/the icarus line/jonah/amnesiac at the same time.

the scene in Eyes Wide Shut where nicole kidman is sitting on the floor of the bedroom giving the monologue about the man she'd seen years before and almost left her family for - that is jaw-droppingly phenomenal. what an incredible testament to female sexuality.. and the despair that comes with it. wow

lovemelo

my head is a little swimming with "eye or mouth" thoughts that i've kind of already expressed so i'm at a loss for anything of meaning.. so i retreat to things like

i really like jimmy eat world. they're darling. i downloaded all of bleed american and songs like sweetness are really quite happy.

and

i'm very excited about Ocean's 11. take out the funny/cool/fun storyline and brad and george and matt and don and bernie and casey and julia and andy and strip it as bare as it can possibly be and i'd STILL be very excited because who's it directed by?

Steven Soderbergh, that's who.

and am i ready to tie him with kubrick? oh i don't know.. that's daunting.. kubrick is (wide eyes) but steven is.. well he's a kind of shake-your-head-and-smile type of filmmaker.. well-wasn't-that-fantastic type guy. and since he knows how to make a supremely sexy scene i added him to my list of "quite possibly wonderful lovers". which earns him points. and he gave a wonderful and moving acceptance speech for his oscar last year.. "CREATE." tears in eyes. really.

i've found that i want to be just about anything happy people on tv and movies are, occupation-wise. so i figure i should give up on knowing for sure and admit that i don't know what the hell i want to do. and admit that the only thing is to be happy. and that adding things to your life can't be the only way to get there. and self-help variety can't be the only other option.

"if i find love, then i'll be happy." yes but what til then? and what afterwards? life can not all be about that.
"if i find a job that's enriching and rewarding and entertaining and i finally feel like i'm accomplishing something and contributing something to the world and maybe helping people, then i'll be happy." that feels like years away. and you can't have that with no one to come home to, it'll mean less and less.
and how can we say happiness comes when you have both? an income that you're happy with, a person that you're happy with, a job that you're happy with, a mind that you're happy with, a family that you're happy with. well i doubt the existence of all of those things at the same time. so i suppose we never get to be happy in that "complete" sense. and maybe it's better that way, because there's only downhill to go from somewhere like that. it's like heaven - heaven that i've stopped believing in. which i might need to reconsider, because there's a lot of possibilities for what heaven is. i don't think i want to grow old. and i don't want to get married. and i don't want to have kids. and i don't need a nice home, only to live in an interesting place. i had the thought today driving that i could be very happy as that fun aunt type. my brother will be all normal and married with children and i'll visit them sometimes, though not often because i'll be that aunt in that far away, glamorous place the kids dream of visiting, and i'll spoil them when i see them and dress different and paint and have some boyfriends a very long time and others a very short time and send the kids fantastic presents that they could've never predicted.. hey that makes me very happy. and when they run away they'll stay with me and i'll teach them all kinds of fantastic things. ok.. maybe that's a future to look forward to.

i mostly get scared because i can't see myself far into the future.. it's all black.. so that makes me think i won't last that long. but maybe my insight just isn't that tuned yet.

lovemelo

you can't have extreme points of view with the church of england - the spanish inquisition would've never worked there:
"tea and cake or DEATH."
yknow, cuz "cake or death", that's a pretty easy question:
"cake or death?!"
"uh.. cake please."
"very well. give him cake."
"oh, thank you very much."
"You! cake or death!?"
"uh, cake for me too, please."
"very well, give him cake too. we'll run out of cake at this rate. you! cake or death!?"
"uh, death please - no, cake! i meant cake!"
"you said death first! ah ah!"
"no, i meant cake!"
(rolling eyes) "oh, alright. you're lucky i'm church of england. cake or death?"
"uh, cake please."
"well we're outta cake! we only had three pieces and we didn't expect such a rush!"
"..so my choice is 'or death'? ...well i'll have the chicken then, please."

i saw my first sigur ros video the other day that i forgot to mention, for track 9 which is one of my favorites, and it's so so very good and sweet - the love of two school boys. and most of it's in slow motion and it's just perfect - the transition of the family's faces during the game is priceless. ecstacy to horror. beautiful beautiful video.