jesus axel, what are the reprecussions of missing your final? is everything ok? i've missed a few midterms this semester, but at least i didn't miss a final.. did you oversleep? try not to care too too much. this is all undergrad school and therefore paddy cake. so i'm told. i have no idea when the next time is i'll be able to come to gville.. but it's summer now, so maybe you're all down here the whole time, which will be L O V E L Y. i may get a job being a petsitter tomorrow..for $10-15/hour, so that's nice. play with dogs for money? ok.

this summer may not include a luxurious vacation to alaska..seeing as how a car is now my top priority and i must work work work to get a good enough one. but if you hear of anyone giving away free tickets to a week-long alaskan cruise, please let me know.

i can't believe school is over so soon..even after taking finals, i feel like we should have another month of classes. i can't believe we have almost four months of summer. my brother only has a little over 2. i feel for him. next fall i have tons of classes MWF...none T or TH, but i'm still nervous that it's going to be grotesquely hectic. ugh i don't want to write another 12 page paper in MLA format with parenthetic citations. jesus.

countdown is.. 2 days til mother's return, 3 days til maybe indefinite goodbye to the only car i've ever loved. i never even gave her a name.

lovemelo

tried to post this yesterday and it hasn't shown up..sorry if it comes twice:

such a strange day and night.

last night

1. hung out with bonnie, mike, kelly, and WINNSHWE.
1a. had my first smirnoff..weird, i know..hoping to feel something but felt nothing and then they were all out. not too bad, not too good.
2. found out winnshwe is an incredibly normal homophobic, sexist, sizist, violence-obsessed numbskull.
3. he was completely put off by my interesting questions..god forbid one steps outside the norm. fuck you, winnshwe.
4. reinforces my idea of never talking to obsessions. what the hell's the fucking point? and reinforces idea of always driving myself places so i'm not stranded in places i don't want to be, waiting for my ride to feel like leaving. ughughugh.
5. came home, wrote vigorously in journal..seemed like a rejected child at the end of it, not exactly the point, but some of it. why is someone who put in so much interest about you so uninteresting? he talked around and through me all night. hugs kelly goodnight, starts walking away, startled by my handshake. yes i'm here too. thanks.
6. had traumatic dream about alan suddenly publishing a book and how happy i was for him, at some celebratory party for him at his house, and some kind of rekindling, and then seeing axel outside and in a very aloof way he says he's sort of come out to his parents, which i'm obviously very interested in, and then all of a sudden my mother shows up with my dad's car and his cell phone and i turn hysterical wondering what she's done with him and there's a screaming crying mess and i rush into alan's again and try desperately to phone dad/jordan and none of the 80 phones work, they're all futuristic with the numbers all jumbled, right when i need time on my side, and i'm causing a scene and everyone is sympathizing from the sidelines and somehow i don't make it thru to them and i fall asleep and when i wake up i try again and i'm not crying anymore and alan says "are you through with the dramatics?" and that fucking hurts. so i'm terrified when i wake up.

today:
1. i wake up too late for work and get there in forever and have to somehow cook dad's birthday dinner and cake with $14 in my wallet
2. get hysterical in the car for some reason
3. get to work and hugely sad exhausted overwhelming feeling sweeps me up and my eyes have not been working correctly all afternoon. is this the little sleep? (7 hours as opposed to my normal 10), or the alcohol (wtf?), or the shitty circumstances? my mother is moving back here on may 1st. and everything gets to start all over again, and she'll probably end up having to move back to tulsa sometime soon again because i believe restraining orders are going to ensue and my dad will not be thrown back in jail and she will not move back in here, even if he does, and... my car will become a pawn.. she's leaving a horribly unhappy place to come here to be with her children whom almost certainly don't want to see her at all (the almost for jordan, he was the favorite, he is not completely destroyed), so she'll find she has no custody and no car (unless in a rage she takes it back, wherein i'll collapse) and no job she can hold, and she'll tire quickly of her "friends" and either it'll all end then or she'll go back home and the whole cherade will end there or begin all over again forever. we'll just see how long it takes. watch out, or i may start a drinking problem.

45925256

such a strange day and night.

last night

1. hung out with bonnie, mike, kelly, and WINNSHWE.
1a. had my first smirnoff..weird, i know..hoping to feel something but felt nothing and then they were all out. not too bad, not too good.
2. found out winnshwe is an incredibly normal homophobic, sexist, sizist, violence-obsessed numbskull.
3. he was completely put off by my interesting questions..god forbid one steps outside the norm. fuck you, winnshwe.
4. reinforces my idea of never talking to obsessions. what the hell's the fucking point? and reinforces idea of always driving myself places so i'm not stranded in places i don't want to be, waiting for my ride to feel like leaving. ughughugh.
5. came home, wrote vigorously in journal..seemed like a rejected child at the end of it, not exactly the point, but some of it. why is someone who put in so much interest about you so uninteresting? he talked around and through me all night. hugs kelly goodnight, starts walking away, startled by my handshake. yes i'm here too. thanks.
6. had traumatic dream about alan suddenly publishing a book and how happy i was for him, at some celebratory party for him at his house, and some kind of rekindling, and then seeing axel outside and in a very aloof way he says he's sort of come out to his parents, which i'm obviously very interested in, and then all of a sudden my mother shows up with my dad's car and his cell phone and i turn hysterical wondering what she's done with him and there's a screaming crying mess and i rush into alan's again and try desperately to phone dad/jordan and none of the 80 phones work, they're all futuristic with the numbers all jumbled, right when i need time on my side, and i'm causing a scene and everyone is sympathizing from the sidelines and somehow i don't make it thru to them and i fall asleep and when i wake up i try again and i'm not crying anymore and alan says "are you through with the dramatics?" and that fucking hurts. so i'm terrified when i wake up.

today:
1. i wake up too late for work and get there in forever and have to somehow cook dad's birthday dinner and cake with $14 in my wallet
2. get hysterical in the car for some reason
3. get to work and hugely sad exhausted overwhelming feeling sweeps me up and my eyes have not been working correctly all afternoon. is this the little sleep? (7 hours as opposed to my normal 10), or the alcohol (wtf?), or the shitty circumstances? my mother is moving back here on may 1st. and everything gets to start all over again, and she'll probably end up having to move back to tulsa sometime soon again because i believe restraining orders are going to ensue and my dad will not be thrown back in jail and she will not move back in here, even if he does, and... my car will become a pawn.. she's leaving a horribly unhappy place to come here to be with her children whom almost certainly don't want to see her at all (the almost for jordan, he was the favorite, he is not completely destroyed), so she'll find she has no custody and no car (unless in a rage she takes it back, wherein i'll collapse) and no job she can hold, and she'll tire quickly of her "friends" and either it'll all end then or she'll go back home and the whole cherade will end there or begin all over again forever. we'll just see how long it takes. watch out, or i may start a drinking problem.

45925256

i'm about to leave to buy dinner somewhere..tempted to go to a sit down restaurant type place, there's a bennigan's near here, i've never been there... it would be too much money i'm sure.. damn panera and their hours - closing at fucking 8 on sundays. wtf is that. i bought an aphex twin cd today. note, aphex twin, not apex theory. can we get rid of all the theories? i've been seeing that AT song on M2 - window licker, such an awesome song, video, and song/video collaberation - and then there's that little kids running around evil video with the monster guy screaming at the old woman that's one of theirs, from long long ago, that's still the freakiest video i've ever seen. i can't get that face out of my head. try to catch the window licker video, the guy's dancing is cooler than MJ

so i started my "therapy", i talked at this woman, i hesitate to call her that, she is more of a girl. i liked the fact that she was 29 when i heard about her, but now i realize that was very very wrong. she is like an older peer. a typical female student. i realized then that i need to talk to someone Wise. she is not Wise. i'm taking a test to determine if i have any mood or personality disorders. yippity doo dah.

i saw Y Tu Mama Tambien friday night. it's good. there is a very excellent moment where the two boys kiss each other for the first time, in their excitement about starting this threesome with this older woman they've taken on a road trip to an imaginary beach. it's a funny moment.. it takes a while, it's a climactic moment. i wanted to say loudly "hell yeah", but i would've been drowned out by the many people around me saying "eww" and recoiling. and then when i left the theatre i saw this gay couple sitting together in the front, who looked practically like the same person - both slightly muscular and blonde - and i wanted to say something to them like "how do you stand it?" but i didn't. and i walked out and past them again at the bathrooms, and then at my car i pulled out to see they'd been behind me and were just getting in their car. i turned around one last time and saw that they were kissing in the car - the second they'd shut the door. it was like.. "finally". it was a moment.

i have to go eat now.

it's not SLUM manifesto..it's SCUM manifesto.. literally. and it sounds very interesting.

i'm reading this book called Female Perversions by Louise Kaplan, which i heard Dr.Drew talk about on Loveline - and it's nonfiction but somehow being turned into (has been turned into) a movie with tilda swinton, that chick who's in the deep end and the island leader gal from The Beach. i like her. she's exotic. so this book is very interesting.. i'm not reading straight thru, i'm skipping around to subject matters that are more interesting.. such as female pornography, which apparently doesn't exist untouched by the male ideas of pornography.. there are so many interesting details that i feel an urge to quote them here:

"the aesthetics of male pornography are developed around a denigration of women and a fear and hatred of the female body. pornography is a male invention, a literature of harlotry designed to detoxify and repair the actual female body. thus, with the avowed aims of arousing erotic desire in men and freeing women from the bonds of sexual repression, female bodies are stripped, bent over, spread apart, twisted. labia are pierced. breasts are lassoed till they swell to an abnormal size. nipples are pinched with clothespins. breasts of pregnant women are shown expressing streams of milk. buttocks are branded. the genitals of prepubescent girls are licked by dogs. nymphomaniacs are sated unto death. lesbians suck one another off. virgins are subjected to exotic practices that turn them into groveling nymphomaniacs."
"the effects of male pornography depend on the wearing down of resistance and the gradual dehumanization of human flesh. whoever the body and whichever the way, pornography entails a deadening of otherwise living, breathing, and therefore dangerous and unpredictable flesh."
..after the initial publication of Playboy in 1953, "before anyone knew what was happening or just why it was happening, these tame, some would complain conventional, respectfully dull masturbation inspirations shifted to brutality, violence, exploitation, and blatant misogyny. even hardened porno models - the ones who had already traveled the route from pretty porn to masochistic porn to Emperor Crown lesbian porn to animal porn and child porn - were alarmed by this growing trend in the porno industry. 'the hating way in which women are portrayed has escalated so fast. they used to be afraid to portray it at all, but now you see everything - women being skewered, women being killed.'
the pinnacle achievement of this shift from clean-cut porn to blatant woman-hating porn was the snuff genre [have you guys heard of this? jesus], so named for films in which porno actresses were purportedly murdered, snuffed out, as the cameras were rolling...they were meant to cater to a select audience of well-to-do men whose jaded sexual palates could be revived only by watching the dismemberment and mutilation of a female body. for the denouement, a man dismembers a woman's body piece by piece. the screen is bathed with images of chopped-up fingers, sawed-off arms and legs, blood oozing from every natural and newly created orifice.."
[pornography's essential deception is that it makes hate through the disguise of making love]
"valerie solanas decided to fight back against penis power by snatching the sun from the sky and burning up the phallocentric universe. she brought forth SCUM Manifesto, the platform for her one-woman Society for Cutting Up Men. In this, Solanas proposes that the male was a biological accident. the male Y gene is an incomplete female X gene. 'the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion.' maleness is an organic deficiency. the only honest males are transvestites and drag queens, for the central desire of every male is to grow into his true self by becoming a woman. a male's genetic destiny is confirmed in his early and complete erotic dependence on his mother. nature and nurture conspire to tie a male to femaleness for life. as solanas summarizes the plight of the male, she gives a personal twist to some contemporary ideas on the developmental dilemmas faced by most little boys: 'every boy wants to imitate his mother, be her, fuse with her.' 'it never becomes completely clear to the male that he is not part of his mother, that he is he and she is she.' to exist as a person, the male throughout history has overcompensated for his shameful feminine strivings with his sexist patriarchal philosophy that eventuates in war, submission-domination politics, money, prostitution, mental illness, high art, and culture.
[SCUM women] will devote their lives to the destruction of the male sex and paternal power. as a temporary measure, the women will use sperm from sperm banks to reproduce among themselves and produce only females. after a while, when old age and death have been conquered, there will be no need at all for reproduction. soon every living being will be an XX and the human species will have fulfilled its true destiny. some men, those who have been clever enough to survive, will come to their senses. they will want to become female. they will conduct biological research and then 'by means of operations on the brain and nervous system', they will be 'transformed in psyche, as well as body, into women.' the few remaining men, those who are too stupid or frightened to achknowledge their desire to be female, will be allowed to go voluntarily to a suicide center, where they 'will be quietly, quickly, and painlessly gassed to death.' SCUM is a parody of what feminine pornography might be if it modeled itself on masculine pornography."


whew. ok. well obviously that is all quite crazy.. but there a few good points hidden in there. i'd like to read SCUM manifesto. sounds interesting, hm?
i'm worried now that all of my basic beliefs would never truly rid the world of a few of its major problems (not that that should really be a goal..that's like saying there will be no more pain in life..what the hell is that..). overpopulation, for example. since i believe that all killing is wrong..in hate crimes, in abortions, in executions, what have you (still haven't decided on suicide) - yet if we didn't have these things, abortion in particular, our planet's overpopulation problem would be growing even faster than it is now.. that is of course what people say, but then you think..well jesus the earth has lasted 80 billion years, what makes us think WE could really destroy it..but then sometimes it seems logical that that could be possible.. i know it's kind of creepy, but i kind of agree with china's policy about a 1 (or is it 2?) child limit.. maybe two would be better. then mandatory vasectomies and hysterectomies? i know most women (including myself) would gladly welcome a hysterectomy because it eliminates menstruation = paradise. the second i heard that i planned to one day bribe a doctor to give me one one day (because you can only get one now if there's some sort of problem, like ovarian cancer or something, since the ovaries are removed completely). otherwise any old person can just get their tubes tied, but that doesn't get rid of your period..so what the hell use is that? umm..i think of getting something like this sometime soon so i won't have to worry about accidental pregnancy during sexually active years to come.. then i worry that i may somehow change and want kids one day and that the fact that i can't GIVE BIRTH to them would be somehow devastating..which is silly, i hope i never think that..adoption, while inconvient (2 year waits), is far better for the world, plus you get out of the torture of child birth. i certainly would never want to accidently get pregnant and deal with having to decide what the hell to do..which i hope to jesus the christ that i would decide to have it and give it up for adoption, even though that is the hardest possible thing to do, but definitely the most morally lovely if you don't want a kid. it would almost be a good experience because (jesus i hope) i'd stick to my principles when they were least conveniant (the only time they mean anything) and do this ridiculously hard thing for the sake of not killing a human being.. i can see how easily i might fall into abortion states of mind..it's so so easy..(as easy as a thing like this could be) but jesus is it ever horribly horribly wrong. on all sides. ok so you see why i don't want an accidental pregnancy. obviously. but again, getting your tubes tied is like an extreme version of a tattoo, which i said i'd never get because i'm so ever-changing that i'd almost certainly not like it after a year or two..and then for the rest of my life. it's a statement that you must continue making for the rest of your life without fail. i'd never sign up for anything like that. religion, philosophy, music, film, anything. i don't hold anything as forever. so ok i wouldn't do this.. i'll just stay on the pill and hope like hell. or maybe i could have a screening process for all men that i'd have sex with that they must get a vasectomy beforehand! ha! lol. whatever.

i've officially signed up for my fall 2002 classes, i'm taking intro to computer science and english composition II (to get them over with), and then for lots of fun, existentialism, and sex, gender and culture. i was going to sign up for this class all about AIDs, which would've probably been excellent to know all about, but it wouldn't let me in because it's not in my assigned major..which is bullshit. i need to change my major to undecided like yesterday. ugh

well this has been extraordinarily long.

lovemelo

i just saw Human Nature.. which is kind of good, not as pointless as most critics are saying.. i know it says something.. but i, like them, just don't know what exactly.. i love how comfortable that blonde guy rhys something (from notting hill) is with being naked, blatantly naked, on film. that's great. go for it, rhys. and patricia arquette is fairly comfortable with it too. and i think that's just great. it seems she is about 5 feet shorter than tim robbins, who is 6 ' 4 1/2. a modern day giant. she is 5 ' 1. usually directors would think fast and not include any wide shots with them standing next together...but this one didn't think that fast.

i finally read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Chbosky or something like that last week. it's a great book. i've been wanting to read it since like 9th grade. i loved charlie a lot. it's a great book.

i really like to have a book to read every night before i go to bed.. and hopefully finish within two weeks. next i'm looking for Public Sex, an axel recommendation, and then something called Naked, and Slum Manifesto, both jessica recommendations. i'm looking forward to all of them.

axel,
are you caught up on queer as folk? cuz whenever i come up i'll trade you for the second eddie izzard tape. very funny. i may not be coming up the weekend of the 19th like we said.. because it seems everyone and their mother will be coming up the same weekend. and i'm sorry but i just don't like them when they're all together like that.. maybe if juan and frank are going.. but still i'm not sure.
damn people.

still no sign of bruce. movie gallery said they have "one, maybe two" openings, so i hope he hasn't left. i need to talk to drew about all of this. i'm going to do that now.

lovemelo

so eddie izzard was very funny on craigers last night, but he seems to do the same gag over and over again.. but no one is perfect. (this as he actually mentioned that slapping the bald guy routine of benny hill's was monotonous..) it's hilarious that so many of our talk show hosts are such giants when so many stars are such midgets..you'd think something would've changed there.. you'd think the stars would've complained or something. the other night nathan lane was on conan and it was like a mouse and goliath. freaky. for the past month i've been checking hundreds of celebrities' heights on imdb.com, which usually lists them. i'm obsessed. did you know angelina jolie is 5 ' 7? and amazon woman famke janssen is only 5 ' 11 when she looks more like 6 ' 3? i'm still hesitant to believe that one. ewan is actually Shorter than jude, which is interesting and unexpected.. 5 ' 10, 5 ' 11. hm. benicio is 6 ' 2. a glorious height. conan is 6 ' 3. craigers is 6 ' 5 and used to play basketball. whoda thunk it? white men can jump..

i've recently decided that ben kingsley is the greatest living actor. and i've thought long and hard about this. and it's definitely true. please please please catch him on inside the actor's studio if you can..he's wonderful and full of joy and life and education and wonderful shakespearean speeches - and he impersonates his past characters and past people he's run into and the voice is so immaculately right-on, just out of nowhere, it's amazing. i want him to be all male roles in my life.. i'm in love with him in a wife sort of way and in a mother sort of way and in a daughter sort of way.. it's very interesting. he is truly exceptional.

i watched To Sir, With Love last night, an old sidney poitier movie, and it was great. i like him a lot. he's a "man behaving nicely" as the oxygen channel keeps saying..or was it WE? i have a new show called the isaac mizrahi show on oxygen, and he's this gay man who's so funny and kind and he has these wonderful singers and actors and friends on the show..pretty much all women, and he's very fun to watch. it hasn't nabbed a secure time slot yet, i'll keep you posted.

in just a moment i'll watch army of darkness in film. for the first time. woo

lovemelo

and the funny thing is, i didn't touch nothin.

axel,

right before you said that thing about intelligent minds being sexy and dating me thru andrew (which i involuntarily laughed outloud at in the middle of a crowded computer lab at school) i was thinking of telling you to use smaller words cuz i can't understand half of what you're saying anymore. dur. (neoteric? bibulous? cmon)

lovethruandrew to you,

melo

axel,

go for it. connect four. or in this case, two. that was cheesy. things don't seem to be going so well with billy, and things seem to be going well with andrew. and you're 18 years old. this is not the time to settle down for life. go with your instincts. what feels best? i know you know.. and i know you know i know you know.. ta.

speaking of starving african nations and emotionally abused ghetto children, my HBO might be taken away from me soon. so i get to say goodbye once again to the sopranos, sex and the city, six feet under (!), the occasional good movie (such as shadow of the vamp which i taped at 3:30 last night.. i'm so glad), and the occasional good documentary story..which really are very good..such as the execution of Wanda Jean. i'm realizing more and more just how wonderful tim robbins and susan sarandon are. they're so green party. they're activists and they're smart and they make and star in great movies, like Dead Man Walking. everyone should see that movie. i fantasize about tying dubya to a chair and pinning his eyelids back and making him watch it..like in a clockwork orange.. i'll administer the drops.

i've not yet decided on my favorite kubrick film. dr.strangelove, clockwork orange, full metal jacket, eyes wide shut and the shining all kind of lump together in their greatness. does anyone absolutely know if you put a comma in front of "and" at the end of a list of things? i could've sworn you didn't..so i've not done it in years..but i do it all the time by accident and then have to correct myself, which makes me think subconsciously our minds are trying to correct our standards of grammar.. do you think the mind would resort to such tomfoolery? i love that word. an actual word.

i'm alone in the hadaway office, everyone's gone home.. the whole building's practically empty. it makes for good horror movie or a good porn. there is this strange slightly uncomfortable sexual tension between myself and mr.hadaway's son, a man of around 30, who is vying for the position of most unattractive man ever...but i feel like i have some power over him.. very odd and probably very bad thoughts of this happen all the time. he was the last to leave and after token smalltalk he was in the door frame and just stood and said nothing as he looked at me.. and there's an awkward silence and then laugh and then, "well have a good weekend". strange strange strange.. i don't know what to do. i'll leave it to the imagination.

and bruce is nowhere to be found.. i went to movie gallery twice in the past day and he wasn't there and i need to ask him about what he DOES now instead of watching movies all the time.. and subtley turn that into good conversation and an invitation out.. close friends? fuck buddy? real nice boyfriend? we will see. did i mention how good he's looking? i'm going to go home and look him up in my 8th grade yearbook. teehee.

umm.. over and out.

here's something interesting:

Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man’s sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven… Luke 6:22, 23a


lately NIN's Still is blowing me away, consistently.. and opera music from la boheme. and a movie that just came out on video called Donnie Darko, which is fantastic and should be seen right away. about a delusional boy and an evil rabbit (very scary) and time travel and all kinds of bizarre things that are both scary and very very interesting.. and donnie is sexy. let not the sexiness be thine only incintive. An Affair of Love, also, a french movie that's been out for a while that i just finally picked up a few days ago.. really interesting take on sex and love, very insightful..beautful movie.

if Italian For Beginners is playing in gainesville, go see it quickly. it's very wonderful. i'd really like to learn italian now.

i can not believe how angry i am, i have strong running-into-oncoming-traffic tendencies. my mother gets me this $30 victoria secret bra which i do not need remotely as much as $30 so i go to return it with its receipt. she paid in credit card so i have to then run and call her long distance from a pay phone to get the number and expiration date. you may already know how this story ends. i get back and they give me a receipt with "-$34" on it and i'm like wah, huh, who? and they say it's now credited to the card. so i am without bra and without money. and mother is up $34. and i was really very much neeeding to spice up my wallet, decorated with only $2 - and i so much wanted to buy this opera cd that would provide much needed escape for at least a few days..i was looking forward to this tremendously. and now i have nothing. i'm very upset. semi late to class as well. fuck.