such a strange day and night.

last night

1. hung out with bonnie, mike, kelly, and WINNSHWE.
1a. had my first smirnoff..weird, i know..hoping to feel something but felt nothing and then they were all out. not too bad, not too good.
2. found out winnshwe is an incredibly normal homophobic, sexist, sizist, violence-obsessed numbskull.
3. he was completely put off by my interesting questions..god forbid one steps outside the norm. fuck you, winnshwe.
4. reinforces my idea of never talking to obsessions. what the hell's the fucking point? and reinforces idea of always driving myself places so i'm not stranded in places i don't want to be, waiting for my ride to feel like leaving. ughughugh.
5. came home, wrote vigorously in journal..seemed like a rejected child at the end of it, not exactly the point, but some of it. why is someone who put in so much interest about you so uninteresting? he talked around and through me all night. hugs kelly goodnight, starts walking away, startled by my handshake. yes i'm here too. thanks.
6. had traumatic dream about alan suddenly publishing a book and how happy i was for him, at some celebratory party for him at his house, and some kind of rekindling, and then seeing axel outside and in a very aloof way he says he's sort of come out to his parents, which i'm obviously very interested in, and then all of a sudden my mother shows up with my dad's car and his cell phone and i turn hysterical wondering what she's done with him and there's a screaming crying mess and i rush into alan's again and try desperately to phone dad/jordan and none of the 80 phones work, they're all futuristic with the numbers all jumbled, right when i need time on my side, and i'm causing a scene and everyone is sympathizing from the sidelines and somehow i don't make it thru to them and i fall asleep and when i wake up i try again and i'm not crying anymore and alan says "are you through with the dramatics?" and that fucking hurts. so i'm terrified when i wake up.

today:
1. i wake up too late for work and get there in forever and have to somehow cook dad's birthday dinner and cake with $14 in my wallet
2. get hysterical in the car for some reason
3. get to work and hugely sad exhausted overwhelming feeling sweeps me up and my eyes have not been working correctly all afternoon. is this the little sleep? (7 hours as opposed to my normal 10), or the alcohol (wtf?), or the shitty circumstances? my mother is moving back here on may 1st. and everything gets to start all over again, and she'll probably end up having to move back to tulsa sometime soon again because i believe restraining orders are going to ensue and my dad will not be thrown back in jail and she will not move back in here, even if he does, and... my car will become a pawn.. she's leaving a horribly unhappy place to come here to be with her children whom almost certainly don't want to see her at all (the almost for jordan, he was the favorite, he is not completely destroyed), so she'll find she has no custody and no car (unless in a rage she takes it back, wherein i'll collapse) and no job she can hold, and she'll tire quickly of her "friends" and either it'll all end then or she'll go back home and the whole cherade will end there or begin all over again forever. we'll just see how long it takes. watch out, or i may start a drinking problem.

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