i'm listening to lover's spit just over and over.. it's by broken social scene if you wanna download it.  felt nice to have poetry back in my life for a brief moment.  that was the first "poem" to come out since poetry club days.  i like them sort of.  i'm thinking lately of writing conversations.  trying out some different nuances people have in their speech.  usually the thing i love the most about movies is the way people talk to each other in them.. because they have these perfect conversations a lot of the time, whether it be perfectly pleasant or perfectly funny or perfectly terrifying or perfectly awkward, it's all just perfect and it always makes me so envious that life doesn't end up so perfect like that.  but then it feels so good when you have moments of conversation with people where words come out easily and end up exactly how you want them.  joy is all in the comparisons.
 
"all these people drinking lover's spit..swallowing words while giving head"
 
brian kinney sexually propositioned me last night in my dream and then ran away and the car we were riding in turned into a horse.  "my grandmother was chasing me with a spoon and my brother was made of jam and his buttocks explodes..!!"

what a shit i am.  i had my first throwing-up-from-alcohol experience last night at chris'.  fucking shots.  they completely don't hit you until an hour later so you have no idea you've had too much.  no more shots for me.  i can't tell if the rest of the night was worth the end.. probably, there's nothing like public drunkenness.  stairway to heaven on the fucking piano man.  amazing.  i can do this again without shots.  unnecessary.  i sure felt grownup tho.  i got my first drinkin bracelet.  : )  lil premature.  noodle salad.

"all these people drinking lover's spit.."
head in my hands, i sink into this
how do i reconcile
what i love and what i need
what gets me off and what means anything
nothing i ever touch will be as good as this
who i am and what i want to be
who he is and what he'll never be
a magnet on my refridgerator door
so embarrassing
lean my head back and the music washes over everything
freedom like nothing before
and then he closes the door
we weren't supposed to see
it's better when they don't talk
and they didn't
there was everything i could ever want
how can it be so sexy and also meaningful?
never felt farther away than when i looked at it
he'll back away when i go to reach for him
don't tell me bittersweet

from hollywoodreporter.com:
July 23, 2004
Law to take on Burden of 'All the King's Men'
Jude Law has signed on to play protagonist Jack Burden in Columbia Pictures' remake of the triple Oscar winner "All the King's Men." Played by John Ireland in the 1949 version, Burden is a journalist who falls under the spell of Southern populist politician Willie Stark, whose tale is at the center of the story. Ireland received an Oscar nomination for his performance. Sean Penn is in negotiations to play Stark. Steven Zaillian is on board to direct from his own adaptation of Robert Penn Warren's novel. Phoenix Pictures chairman Mike Medavoy and president Arnold Messer are producing together with Zaillian and former Columbia executive Ken Lemberger.
 
 
mike medavoy is the guy i went to see at the film festival a few years back.. i could never find his name on anything he said he worked on and i wondered if he was bullshitting us, but here he is.. neat.
 
i'm so very excited about my tampa weekend, kicking off in like 5 hours and returning tuesday morning, woohoo!  the cure and jenn and gay sex and new apartments, oh my! 
 
"Holy porkchop!"

this is all i can seem to think about anymore. brian ravages justin in my dreams. it's really quite lovely. thanks for the help by the way.. NOBODY - yer all assholes. and for that i give you some cock up the ass..

am i not able to search blogger for specific people to find out if they have blogs?  like i went and made the effort to make a whole big profile for myself, can i not search for other profiles?  it seems like you just have to come across a blog or a name and that's the only way to find that stuff..  help.  and no one continues to tell me how to post a picture on these things.  help there too.
 
i'm making a list of movies jenn needs to see.  and there's a lot.  i think i may start ending every post with a brian kinney quote for a while..
 
"I'll be glad when Pride's over, so we can all go back to being ashamed."

ok can i just tell you that when i looked and saw i had an extra comment my expectation that is would be MARCUS SOBERING were about as high as say.. Wayne Newton.  wtf.  i honestly don't believe it's really him.  and here's why:

who was i to marcus sobering in high school that he would feel at all inclined to look me up and find me out somehow?  i don't think i ever registered with him as a significant anything.  sure, he always stuck out in my mind.  a brief crush there for a minute, and then a brief but blaring "holy shit what an asshole" moment, but mostly just good times.  he's been mentioned here a few times in relation to my obsessive dreams about brian lacey.. so hm.. can you search these things for mention of your name?  i have no idea how shit works.

so that seems good enough reason that it's not really him, but there's enough reason that it is too, this is troubling.. for one thing, what he said sounded exactly like what marcus sobering would say.  i recall the most meager, to-the-point messages in yearbooks, etc.  and who in sam hell would come here and impersonate marcus sobering?  i don't think i've ever mentioned him to anyone so who would know that they could come and impersonate him and fuck me up?  my feathers are ruffled anyway.  jesus!  so please comment again and tell me if it's really you and what the fuck you're doing here man, not like i want you out but just like.. wuh..huh..what?  also, i'd love to talk to you about brian lacey. : )  my email's melojyellow@juno.com if you're interested.  btw, you're invited to my birthday party, august 7th, and if you can bring brian lacey you'll become my personal god.. i've gone off the deep end now, i feel like i'm talking to no one.

ok back to normal fare.. fan fiction has exploded all over me like some fresh brian kinney cum.  because that's what it is.  and more of course.  but where would i be without the hot brian kinney sex?  a dead, dry heap of sexless nothing.  if you can't fuck in your head, where can you fuck?!  see i start talking like him.  hehe, kinney cum sounds like a product.. or like how little kids would pronounce "candy corn" for a while.  hahhaha

so fan fiction.  queer as folk fans are apparently, some of them, also fantastic writers and so they've given me the greatest little short stories that blow my socks off.  and they're fuckin hot.  bjfic.net is all about brian and justin and "maps & legends" is just about the greatest thing i've ever read.  there's a ridiculously sexy scene in each chapter pretty much and the story as a whole is startlingly true to the characters, i almost wonder if the show could send out scouts to check this stuff out and hire some new writers for the show because it could definitely improve.  i wonder about writing my own fan fiction.. i'm worried tho because the two chicks that wrote maps&legends are fuckin amazing and i don't think i could measure up.  i have to get in the mood and i may take a shot tho.  i think the steps one must take to enter into a writing profession need to be a little smaller for me.  i think big first - screenplays - and get scared shitless and then just do nothing.  but i was watching Amelie tonight and saw how she rewrote that old love letter for that lady downstairs, and that made me think there are tons of little writing projects like that that could be really interesting.  it doesn't have to be for something, but i could just give myself an example and just try it.  letters sound like a good place to start.  make it from someone else's point of view, be creative.  of course if we're talking things that may really get me writing it's got to be a letter from justin to daphne or somebody about how amazing his last fuck with brian was.. hey now.

alright, i rolled over in bed to look for an index card to write down my list of hot gay sex films and i searched under my pile of books i've been meaning to read or recently read and there was my new york for dummies, and my first thought was "i'll probably never get back there", and that was depressing frank.  because life has this horrible way of batting people down and giving them false hope for the future when it really never intends to give them what they dream of.  so i don't want that to happen to you.  i know new york doesn't always equal happiness, i know you can make it here and live here forever and possibly be incredibly happy and that's maybe where you're meant to be.. but new york is the dream, so for right now at least, i don't want you to let go of it at all, i mean i can't even let go of it.  this all just makes us think of how hard it's going to be for each of us.  i'm scared shitless of going out into the world, and i don't think i have as much passion as you do, so where does that leave me?  i don't know if i'd call this failure though.  it doesn't feel like failure to me until you're dead and you know it's final.  otherwise it's just a momentary setback.  i can't wait to see you and i love that you'll be at my birthday party, really i do, it wouldn't be a party without you, but we can't settle here frank.  we're meant for bigger and better things.  and in two or three years, you me and jenn may just be back in the big apple. 
 
i'm listening to led zeppelin's "tangerine".  it's nice that almost every song i download is something i recognize and i can picture just where it is in what rock movie, most often Almost Famous, feels good.  that cameron crowe.  he knows how to make a good movie.  you know that first band he toured with at like 15 was fuckin zeppelin.. blows the top of my head off.
 
when you see me at the airport monday night, frank, i'll be fresh as a daisy from seeing the cure, so i may be wearing black lipstick.  that'll be somethin.  the cure, i mean.  wow.  i love these mini road trips to see these changetheworld bands.  it's funny when you start seeing your life as leading up to tiny little events every few weeks/months - here's a movie, here's a concert, here's a birthday.  i so often wake up or get out of a daze with an excited feeling just faintly in the background, like i'm excited about something but i forgot what it was supposed to be, but i know there's something i was looking forward to, and it can be as small as oh i'm gonna get online and check this guy's filmography, but it keeps me going.  it keeps you just out of yourself and the world enough to fly right through everything. 
 
so now there's a birthday, mine, and i'm really excited.  i'm happy to be turning the age i am and i'm happy to be around all the people i want to be around, oh but i have to call them all.  i wanted to give everyone a month's notice but that flew out the window last week so i should start soon.  the people who read this and still see me every once in a while are already invited so i won't be calling you.  i have to track down people i haven't talked to in forever though, i hope i can make contact in time.  this could be really good.  think good music and dancing and cooking and, i don't know, pin the tail on the donkey.  i need a theme, this is what i learned from emmett honeycutt tonight.. like a geisha extravaganza!  ok maybe not that, but something.  august 7th at will's parents' by the way.  if they're not gonna be out of town then we'll have to get them wrongfully arrested for the night or something.
 
why are robert plant's women always cheating on him?  do you think he seeks them out?  who do they think they are being untrue to a rock/sex god? 
 
cock.  i love that i love that word now that i've been indoctrinated with gay vernacular.  i watched some old episodes tonight to see glimpses of brian and there was the one where Rage is born and i just love the thought of a kickass gay superhero, turning gay bashers against each other with his mind ray so they think each other is gay and kill each other, healing wounded gay boys with kisses and deep anal penetration.. tee hee.  oh brian.  off to bed we go.

"i really do feel that i'm dying.
i really do feel that i'm dead.
i saw it in your eyes, what i'm looking for.
i saw it in your eyes, what'll make me live."
ok you now have 24 hours to download rufus wainwright's "the tower of learning" and comment on it or i'll never speak to you again.

i have spent something like 10 hours total putting together my ultimate party mix for my birthday party.. five cds and something like 6.5 hours of musical marvels, glorious. i'm excited about the education. ok so i could be a teacher. but it would have to be an off the wall subject like that, music education, movie education, and i just make them listen to and watch all my favorite stuff so i can infiltrate their little brains and take over the WORLD!! mwahaha. because i'm right about everything, you know. it's a burden that i alone bear.

so hurray for john edwards, go two johns. they could be a rap duo. 2-Jonz. here's your daily headfuck: johnny depp is 40 years old, tom cruise is 50, wait, fuck, imdb.com says he's 42 like four days ago.. (happy birthday, tommy), ok that's not sensational - but johnny, cmon, ok but here's the kicker ! - john edwards is, somehow, according to his website mind you! FIFTY-ONE!!! 51! HOW CAN THIS BE!??! he doesn't look a day over 15! we all thought he was too young and innocent to be president but it turns out he's older than clinton was! so now we have to deal with the idea of john edwards - possibly maybe - that's right, i'll say it, dying his hair. my dad thinks he's keanu reeves' character in the devil's advocate. i see it, without all the "satan's my papa" stuff. good luck boys.

if someone knows of a close-by, well-paying job where i can get a bit of a workout let me know so i don't have to get up at 5 to make bagels or get robbed at a gas station. somebody.

marlon brando died. shit. i know that was days ago but it was right after my probably last kennel job fell thru and i was not too bummed because i was only there for one day and then i heard about brando and i couldn't stop thinking about james dean and everything just sank. godammit marlon. such a self-indulgent bastard. but so entertaining, and jesus he like set the bar for all film actors to come afterwards, he changed the whole style from dramatic to natural. he was thought to be the greatest screen actor of last century.. man. so i stayed in all night watching E! true hollywood stories and stuff like that about him, he was probably a crazy jerk but so was james dean and i always get sad thinking about what james could've been, and now what marlon could've been if he lived differently. who cares, he made an unbelievable splash in his first five years - being nominated for best actor three years in a row!! did you know he started the black leather jacket rebel look? that's lasted a bit. my last impression of him was dancing on the tropical island with faye dunaway in the adorable don juan demarco, he looked happy. so now i really need to see the godfather.. and on the waterfront. but you know i truly loved his scenes in apocalypse now, great movie, freaky ending, it's really powerful. he was mesmorizing. wouldn't it be fun to run into him in heaven and he's back to his sexy 50's self, riding around on a motorcycle in his black leather jacket like in the wild ones, grabbing hot dames and throwing them on back. makes me smile. i miss you, marlon brando.