alright, i rolled over in bed to look for an index card to write down my list of hot gay sex films and i searched under my pile of books i've been meaning to read or recently read and there was my new york for dummies, and my first thought was "i'll probably never get back there", and that was depressing frank.  because life has this horrible way of batting people down and giving them false hope for the future when it really never intends to give them what they dream of.  so i don't want that to happen to you.  i know new york doesn't always equal happiness, i know you can make it here and live here forever and possibly be incredibly happy and that's maybe where you're meant to be.. but new york is the dream, so for right now at least, i don't want you to let go of it at all, i mean i can't even let go of it.  this all just makes us think of how hard it's going to be for each of us.  i'm scared shitless of going out into the world, and i don't think i have as much passion as you do, so where does that leave me?  i don't know if i'd call this failure though.  it doesn't feel like failure to me until you're dead and you know it's final.  otherwise it's just a momentary setback.  i can't wait to see you and i love that you'll be at my birthday party, really i do, it wouldn't be a party without you, but we can't settle here frank.  we're meant for bigger and better things.  and in two or three years, you me and jenn may just be back in the big apple. 
 
i'm listening to led zeppelin's "tangerine".  it's nice that almost every song i download is something i recognize and i can picture just where it is in what rock movie, most often Almost Famous, feels good.  that cameron crowe.  he knows how to make a good movie.  you know that first band he toured with at like 15 was fuckin zeppelin.. blows the top of my head off.
 
when you see me at the airport monday night, frank, i'll be fresh as a daisy from seeing the cure, so i may be wearing black lipstick.  that'll be somethin.  the cure, i mean.  wow.  i love these mini road trips to see these changetheworld bands.  it's funny when you start seeing your life as leading up to tiny little events every few weeks/months - here's a movie, here's a concert, here's a birthday.  i so often wake up or get out of a daze with an excited feeling just faintly in the background, like i'm excited about something but i forgot what it was supposed to be, but i know there's something i was looking forward to, and it can be as small as oh i'm gonna get online and check this guy's filmography, but it keeps me going.  it keeps you just out of yourself and the world enough to fly right through everything. 
 
so now there's a birthday, mine, and i'm really excited.  i'm happy to be turning the age i am and i'm happy to be around all the people i want to be around, oh but i have to call them all.  i wanted to give everyone a month's notice but that flew out the window last week so i should start soon.  the people who read this and still see me every once in a while are already invited so i won't be calling you.  i have to track down people i haven't talked to in forever though, i hope i can make contact in time.  this could be really good.  think good music and dancing and cooking and, i don't know, pin the tail on the donkey.  i need a theme, this is what i learned from emmett honeycutt tonight.. like a geisha extravaganza!  ok maybe not that, but something.  august 7th at will's parents' by the way.  if they're not gonna be out of town then we'll have to get them wrongfully arrested for the night or something.
 
why are robert plant's women always cheating on him?  do you think he seeks them out?  who do they think they are being untrue to a rock/sex god? 
 
cock.  i love that i love that word now that i've been indoctrinated with gay vernacular.  i watched some old episodes tonight to see glimpses of brian and there was the one where Rage is born and i just love the thought of a kickass gay superhero, turning gay bashers against each other with his mind ray so they think each other is gay and kill each other, healing wounded gay boys with kisses and deep anal penetration.. tee hee.  oh brian.  off to bed we go.