yesterday:

the armrests here say "diet pepsi" - huh? i'm writing on a napkin in the Altamonte 8 movie theatre because i have 10 minutes before Dogville starts and i've already taken 5 to walk around and around this empty theatre and sit in a dozen seats to test different views and find one that won't squeak - a daunting task! i am at home here. this is my church, this is my sanctuary, my god lives here. when i write like this, impromptu like a lunatic, i feel like a writer, that this is what they are, this is what they do, my brethren, and maybe that's it for me. writers are supposed to be snobby and better than everyone else. i'll fit right in. and they won't fire you for it! they may not buy it but at least you can chalk that up to subjectivity and never fully believe you're shit. so i, the academic overachiever used to being the best at whatever i try hard to do, have now been fired twice in under a month for jobs that idiots around me seem to excel at - cut to anthony michael hall's shop class horrors in the breakfast club - and i can't scream at them that they're morons who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them in the face and i'm going to be IT one day! because i don't know that, and really i'm too busy being crushed because maybe, just maybe, i deserved it and there's a curse following me around that says i'll be between complete shit and just good enough at everything i do, failure is out there waiting for me to lap it up, boys waiting to reject me, to laugh in my face, gag behind my back - people are just waiting in line to hurt me, to disappoint me, to punish me for all the terrible thoughts i've laid way to. and there will be just enough good to give me that blessed false sense of security, he smiled, he called, just enough to give me the hope to start all over again and again but that's just hilarious to whoever's pulling the strings to head me towards my end. no one really, a cold universe that feels warm sometimes but only because someone peed in it. dammit. goddamn good memories always colored black by what happened afterwards. but here i go again.