"come on come on come on, get through it, come on come on come on, love's the greatest thing that we have.. i'm waiting for that feeling, waiting for that feeling, waiting for that feeling to come.."

blur. shucks. i like that band, i like that song. but i feel like Shit. i am t i r e d. i'm hot and i know any moment my feet will get cold. i feel like a headache is coming on. i'm listening to a good rufus wainwright song. i watch a little tv which laughably makes me feel better. i am beginning to turn into an anger ball. i worry about going postal. gandhi has been just hoovered out of me. i feel so little of the traces of that mentality, it's absurd, he is GONE. the walls are closing in over here. i hate hate not only the fact that this fucking screen has decided to do that thing where when i type to the end of it it takes a little scrolling action over so that i can't see a milimeter of screen to the left and THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS, ok it's fixed now but shit it's just enough you know? i don't need this. i hate how this physical exhaustion would feel good if i were spending my energy on something worthwhile, or just if i knew the money i was making was helping me to get somewhere instead of just being eaten up by bills that no one else is paying, but instead i am tired and unfulfilled at the same time. it's not like tired after a good day working the farm. i am office-space-dead-in-my-soul-sucking-cubicle tired. but it's not the jobs that make me this way, it's sitting at home and being around this force that presses down on my head, like i'm too far underwater.

oh boy i just discovered the relevance finally of taking that revolution class. we learned about this one theory of revolution that centers around relative deprivation, which is where expectations and aspirations are at their highest and achievements and opportunities are at their lowest. that is where i'm finding myself, and this is normally when a people would rise up and violently overthrow something but what the hell can i do besides wind up in jail or dead or just generally worse off? i really need to be in therapy right now but i have no money to do that and i think you have to be attending school during the semester at UCF to use one of their people and i'm not taking summer school. no opportunity. what i need a revolution in my life, maybe of the mind, i need to accept some stupid world religion but i hate that crap, i need a new person to come along and give me a different worldview, i need a dramatic life event like a car accident or a death in the family to shake me out of this mess. like they say, a good way to make your finger stop hurting is to shoot yourself in the knee. and i know it can easily get worse than this. i've probably had worse than this. everything can always always always get worse, and does. but goddammit it's relative. my silly white american problems are terrible FOR ME but if a starving african switched with me they'd be much happier, and you know maybe i'd be happier as a starving african.. it gives you less to think about. but you know i can't switch with a starving african. what exactly can i do? if i hopped aboard one of those trains on park avenue as it slowly goes through the station area, with a bag of food and water and a hundred bucks in my pocket.. could i make it? would i be happier? would i just end up home in two weeks after being robbed and raped and scarred?

this is the shittiest place to be, i once again can not see through the crap into a lovely future, i feel now like i'll never write anything worth a damn and the film industry will be too hard to make it in or i'll end up hating it, like i thought i would three years ago, and i'll have wasted all this time and energy and schooling to finally.. what the hell am i talking about, what else am i going to do? get a degree in accounting and then jump out of my office window some thirty years later? i look at these women that come in with their husbands and kids and their hair is all ratty and they don't wear make up and they're fat and tired and sometimes i wonder how many other women their husbands have screwed over the years and how he stands her and sometimes they seem happy and i can't imagine how these unappealing women have made it into happy love lives and it feels like it simply takes a dramatic decreasing of one's standards and the fact remains i simply do no know how to do that. because if it's just that perfectly normal smart kind people find and love and are attracted to one other and also aren't physically attractive, i can't seem to wrap my head around that. shit i'm really fucked up in that area. look what she's done to me. i see it a little, i am completely fucking warped there. i live in fairy tale land. i need a revolution of the mind real bad.

wasting time wasting time, here i go wasting time - once again it's too late in the evening already, i will be tired again tomorrow morning. god i just want to do something rash and selfish, or be the complete opposite of that, instead of this inbetween shit place. what am i doing? what are you doing? this isn't going anywhere. buy me a car for my birthday and then i'll make like will hunting and disappear and you can just smile and know that i've made it.