one of the worst few weeks of my life is maybe over.. the car is home again, she's fixed, she's passed her 300,000 mile mark, which was probably with a mechanic and not us who could've sprayed champagne on her.. she's been around. she is freedom and security, and before i didn't realize that those two things were so closely linked. when she is away bad, very bad things happen to me, i almost get fired from jobs, i can't stop crying, i almost kill myself, i almost full-on scream at my dad, i hyperventilate, i walk out of class, my friends and neighbors are inconvenienced, i begin to completely lose my faith in humanity, i almost rob 7-11s and/or auto mechanics.. bad, very very extremely bad few weeks, worse than i could've possibly imagined, and if it should happen again i may do one of those things i almost did, so here's hoping life doesn't fall apart all over again, at least until i gain more life experience and actual emotional maturity that i really thought i had before, i really thought i could handle anything because i thought i "understood life" and its ups and downs, but i now know i'm not strong enough. my entire life philosophy fell through and complete hopelessness set in and i really thought it was all over. i couldn't see anywhere past it. all the movies and gandhi quotes and animals and pretty weather and damien rice songs could not distract me from the utter desparation. wake up call.

i have slightly new insights about damien.. i like eskimo a lot now, because it's chipper, and that's needed sometimes, and i can't get over the wonderful placement of that perfect cymbol crash when prague gets loud. i can listen to this now and be better.