god i've just been cryin all over the place this week. cryin cuz i'm happy, watching the making of almost famous thinking about purity and youth and rock n roll when it meant something and really actually doing the thing you love. watching all kinds of great movies lately, got a job at blockbuster and five free rentals a week is what i'm eating over here, a job that feels good but pays nothing, no money lying around for nothing, oppressive but not enough to make you cry. cryin at good love for movie screens, dying next to each other kind of love, walking hundreds of miles to be with you and take you in for ten minutes of a lifetime kind of love. cryin thinking about what i'm going to need to do to get off the treadmill of my life and really go somewhere, move somewhere real, do something bigger. i was completely convinced for a week that i was moving to new york to become a dog walker and break into the film business and live with frank. it's a fantasy and maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't and maybe it'll turn out terribly and maybe it won't but it looms over me as a beacon egging me out into the world. fear of film school next semester and trying to be creative for the first real time in my life. SHIT. cryin because the weight of the world crashes onto you when you watch an iraqi woman sobbing and screaming at god and at the americans that destroyed her village and killed her people, i quieted my breathing as much as i could, i tilted my head up and back against the seat so my neighbors couldn't see me, i wanted relief from that so bad, i'd just begin to handle myself but she just keeps wailing and i can't hold back that kind of shame, incredible shame, no matter how much it's not my doing, just being affiliated with that makes me nauseous and i can't come to terms with it. that's not a lie, he didn't make that up, he didn't exaggerate that, fuck all the rest. cryin when i think in that theatre what would happen if bush won in november, the defeat of it, the fear of that and what it could bring and how vulnerable and lost everything would feel, would make me just break down. now cryin to think how many people saw this movie this weekend, how many will keep seeing it, how well it's doing in red states (!), how some theatres are advertising they're not "enforcing the rated R policy" for it, how it could really maybe affect this election and for that michael moore can be forgiven all his past wrongs and the ones in the future because this is a priceless thing he's possibly given us. here's to hope for the future. here's hoping for my future.