"come on come on come on, get through it, come on come on come on, love's the greatest thing that we have.. i'm waiting for that feeling, waiting for that feeling, waiting for that feeling to come.."

blur. shucks. i like that band, i like that song. but i feel like Shit. i am t i r e d. i'm hot and i know any moment my feet will get cold. i feel like a headache is coming on. i'm listening to a good rufus wainwright song. i watch a little tv which laughably makes me feel better. i am beginning to turn into an anger ball. i worry about going postal. gandhi has been just hoovered out of me. i feel so little of the traces of that mentality, it's absurd, he is GONE. the walls are closing in over here. i hate hate not only the fact that this fucking screen has decided to do that thing where when i type to the end of it it takes a little scrolling action over so that i can't see a milimeter of screen to the left and THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS, ok it's fixed now but shit it's just enough you know? i don't need this. i hate how this physical exhaustion would feel good if i were spending my energy on something worthwhile, or just if i knew the money i was making was helping me to get somewhere instead of just being eaten up by bills that no one else is paying, but instead i am tired and unfulfilled at the same time. it's not like tired after a good day working the farm. i am office-space-dead-in-my-soul-sucking-cubicle tired. but it's not the jobs that make me this way, it's sitting at home and being around this force that presses down on my head, like i'm too far underwater.

oh boy i just discovered the relevance finally of taking that revolution class. we learned about this one theory of revolution that centers around relative deprivation, which is where expectations and aspirations are at their highest and achievements and opportunities are at their lowest. that is where i'm finding myself, and this is normally when a people would rise up and violently overthrow something but what the hell can i do besides wind up in jail or dead or just generally worse off? i really need to be in therapy right now but i have no money to do that and i think you have to be attending school during the semester at UCF to use one of their people and i'm not taking summer school. no opportunity. what i need a revolution in my life, maybe of the mind, i need to accept some stupid world religion but i hate that crap, i need a new person to come along and give me a different worldview, i need a dramatic life event like a car accident or a death in the family to shake me out of this mess. like they say, a good way to make your finger stop hurting is to shoot yourself in the knee. and i know it can easily get worse than this. i've probably had worse than this. everything can always always always get worse, and does. but goddammit it's relative. my silly white american problems are terrible FOR ME but if a starving african switched with me they'd be much happier, and you know maybe i'd be happier as a starving african.. it gives you less to think about. but you know i can't switch with a starving african. what exactly can i do? if i hopped aboard one of those trains on park avenue as it slowly goes through the station area, with a bag of food and water and a hundred bucks in my pocket.. could i make it? would i be happier? would i just end up home in two weeks after being robbed and raped and scarred?

this is the shittiest place to be, i once again can not see through the crap into a lovely future, i feel now like i'll never write anything worth a damn and the film industry will be too hard to make it in or i'll end up hating it, like i thought i would three years ago, and i'll have wasted all this time and energy and schooling to finally.. what the hell am i talking about, what else am i going to do? get a degree in accounting and then jump out of my office window some thirty years later? i look at these women that come in with their husbands and kids and their hair is all ratty and they don't wear make up and they're fat and tired and sometimes i wonder how many other women their husbands have screwed over the years and how he stands her and sometimes they seem happy and i can't imagine how these unappealing women have made it into happy love lives and it feels like it simply takes a dramatic decreasing of one's standards and the fact remains i simply do no know how to do that. because if it's just that perfectly normal smart kind people find and love and are attracted to one other and also aren't physically attractive, i can't seem to wrap my head around that. shit i'm really fucked up in that area. look what she's done to me. i see it a little, i am completely fucking warped there. i live in fairy tale land. i need a revolution of the mind real bad.

wasting time wasting time, here i go wasting time - once again it's too late in the evening already, i will be tired again tomorrow morning. god i just want to do something rash and selfish, or be the complete opposite of that, instead of this inbetween shit place. what am i doing? what are you doing? this isn't going anywhere. buy me a car for my birthday and then i'll make like will hunting and disappear and you can just smile and know that i've made it.

goddammit - dave chappelle is coming and it's sold out.. somebody try to win tickets on 102 Jamz. may 7-9 at the improv.. crap

completely forgot major moment in kill bill evening.. the best action all night was not in the movie, sad to say, but in the preview right before the movie... HERO. oh my god. jet li. OH MY GOD. i have no strong opinion about jet li, but this may start one.. this, um, this may be the greatest action movie of all time, not sure, but, wow, i'm amazed.. fucking august 20th it comes out! it was released in 2002! it's been to denmark already for chrissake! and where the hell is shaolin soccer?!!? i'm desperate to see that. i'm searching frantically online for the correct trailor for hero to show my skeptical brother but i keep getting french ones or ones that start with someone painting with red paint and then going on in a stupid "in a land.." type way, showing how it's a big epic love story or some shit when the trailor i saw was BAD FUCKING ASS where it's like the greatest warrior of all time fights whole armies by himself and crap like that and it's amaaazing - where is this trailor online!? someone find it.. it's the one that starts with him breaking all of these boulder things around him with one quick move that was actually too quick for me to catch in the theatre, and there's lots of masses-of-arrows-raining-down-on-him shots.. i need a downloadable one preferably in quicktime cuz streaming is for shit on my shitty connection computer, i think we all know by now.. frank, you must know what i'm talking about! help a sista out!

i am a tired person. i've had to wake up at 6:15 the past two days and i'll be up at 7 tomorrow because it takes pain to earn money! i hear that. there's nothin like gettin peed on at 8 in the mornin. still, it's so much nicer working with animals than people. does anyone out there understand how much more i love getting peed on and handling poo than getting talked down to and worrying about catty drama? is it any wonder that i've set up a fantasy for myself of retiring at some young age in some isolated ranch in wyoming or montana with hundreds of animals to care for for the rest of my days?

even with the early wake up i opted to see kill bill last night at 10, because movies are things i make sacrifices for, four hour night sleep type sacrifices. i hold the torch. so it was good. i enjoyed it. i guess don't read the rest of this until after you've seen it.. i was surprised by the lack of action, though, i knew there would be a lot more talking but i didn't realize this much. it was kind of a problem because i was there with the 13yr old amanda and i was expecting to blow her away with another action-packed kill bill but that wasn't so much the case, tho the available action was of course wonderful. the buried alive sequence scared the shit out of me, i almost hyperventilated. i loved pai mai, and his swishing of his beard - i loved the blaring homage to 70s stuff in that sequence, more so than the rest of both volumes i thought, even tho there is of course 70s everywhere. it's fun. everything was very fitting.. everyone got the right thing that was coming to them, it was neat and tidy. elle's fate was great, and i wished i hadn't seen the bill fate coming a mile away.. dammit, the second he told her about that around the camp fire i'm like "ok well that's how she's going to kill him", i was a little disappointed by that, even tho wao what a cool technique. what a fucked up relationship they must've had. he's an interesting character. i thought the pregnancy test scene was a little cheesy, even tho i loved seeing her act all normal in the bathroom beforehand. uma was great in this one.. there was a much wider range of emotions, the whole mother-daughter theme in all of kill bill is interesting, i think she deserves a nomination of some kind for this, at least golden globe. what was really interesting in the beginning was how perfectly quentin provided suspense and incredible dread.. when she meets bill at the chapel and you know what's going to happen and she has no idea i'm just saying "shit" over and over to myself.. "you overreacted!?" was hilarious at the end. there was a really interesting dynamic to the whole thing really... like changing the mood so dramatically when she first sees her kid, and you're conflicted about whether you should be overwhelmed like her or amused at how light bill is making the whole thing.. that was a cool move on quentin's part. so it was fun and i liked how i got to know more about the characters and it ended well, even tho i kept expecting disaster and am looking forward to a sequel years down the line where uma's all grey-haired and relaxed and vernita's daughter comes a'callin. in the end tho, i was expecting a blow-me-away kill bill movie, like the first one, a movie that could stand on its own if the first one hadn't existed, which was what the critics who liked it all said.. but i didn't feel that way at all. if the first one hadn't been, this one would just be a weirdly amusing random adventure..you wouldn't really know what to think. i'm gonna have to say the first one was a hell of a lot better.. the action was to die for (ha ha), the music was so perfectly used.. it was the surprise of something i'd never experienced before really. i guess this is the fate of all trilogies and volume sets etc, the first one always seems to captivate more. and it's so obnoxious because the filmmakers can get away with anything.. either they can ask us to judge them all as seperate movies if we like them, or if we don't like the others as much they can say it's all really one movie.. so that's sneaky and i think we'll see a lot of that for a while. it's not all that bad, it's just a different kind of movie-going experience. oh and uma really didn't look like that good of a fighter in those exercise sequences with pai mai.. lol, was that just me? she's too tall! still, i hope she gets some recognition as the most beautiful woman in movies today this year sometime, cuz she was hot to trot in these movies, she kicked ass and she looked great and she ever so briefly turned a BURIED ALIVE scene into something sexy as we see her stomach in those low pants. so that's some skill right there. give her something. i love you, uma.

one of the worst few weeks of my life is maybe over.. the car is home again, she's fixed, she's passed her 300,000 mile mark, which was probably with a mechanic and not us who could've sprayed champagne on her.. she's been around. she is freedom and security, and before i didn't realize that those two things were so closely linked. when she is away bad, very bad things happen to me, i almost get fired from jobs, i can't stop crying, i almost kill myself, i almost full-on scream at my dad, i hyperventilate, i walk out of class, my friends and neighbors are inconvenienced, i begin to completely lose my faith in humanity, i almost rob 7-11s and/or auto mechanics.. bad, very very extremely bad few weeks, worse than i could've possibly imagined, and if it should happen again i may do one of those things i almost did, so here's hoping life doesn't fall apart all over again, at least until i gain more life experience and actual emotional maturity that i really thought i had before, i really thought i could handle anything because i thought i "understood life" and its ups and downs, but i now know i'm not strong enough. my entire life philosophy fell through and complete hopelessness set in and i really thought it was all over. i couldn't see anywhere past it. all the movies and gandhi quotes and animals and pretty weather and damien rice songs could not distract me from the utter desparation. wake up call.

i have slightly new insights about damien.. i like eskimo a lot now, because it's chipper, and that's needed sometimes, and i can't get over the wonderful placement of that perfect cymbol crash when prague gets loud. i can listen to this now and be better.

man.. i really thought he'd go and do something less interesting like Cannonball to please the masses but no, damien is different and wonderful, and I Remember was such a fantastic surprise.. i wish he hadn't rushed through it, but i don't care, my mouth was gaping and it was glorious.. what's her name sounded amazing. that's such a fabulous quality, that pure, clean, perfect voice, dead-on at every turn.. whilst american idol stars must train and rehearse i get the impression that she could show up anywhere at any time and sound perfect.. fiona apple can do that, she recorded a bunch of her second album lying on her back in the studio.. can you imagine sounding amazing lying on your back like that? wow. ok the sleeping pill is kicking in now. great performance.

DAMIEN RICE ON LETTERMAN WEDNESDAY

look at this picture

i wore a skirt in public today for the first time.. and to offset that i pushed my newly cut hair into a little mohawk, it was a success i think. it was about as high fashion as i get. i missed you today, frank. the party was kinda fun, good enough food and slap happy cup slapping (i showed it to my bro tonight at like 1:30 in the morning and he got it down quick and we were slapping away in a round and woke up my dad who came out and screamed at us and then we entertained him with a show.. good times).. it's nice when after the initial period at a party when everything feels awkward you get relaxed with all the people that you may not even know just because you've all been inhabiting the same space for a few hours, you no longer feel all eyes on you, just comfort to be among them. i like our group of friends, they're cute, we have a good time together. yes, most of them are in couples, but it's really ok, there's nothing really offputting about that, no threat, the girls are nice girls. i'm very glad will is finally with a cool girl again. who has a cool sister. that's a big relief, let me tell you. i don't think heather or amy read this so my compliments will be lost on them, and i hope meghan doesn't read this because she'll surely take offense but that's just how i feel about it. i didn't hate her or anything, we got along, she was cool sometimes, but there was a lot of unhappiness in her and drama and it wears you out. but that may have been just will's silliness so now i hope she finds a nice someone and becomes happy and lives that way ever after. send us a postcard from joy and write "i'm happy now! screw you all!" that would make me happy.

i'm starting email correspondence with my astronomy professor who is so great. we line up completely on our take on science vs. religion and he's answering all my random questions and sending me cool pictures and i love it. if anyone ever wants to take astronomy at UCF and wants the class to be cool with no math, take it with steven davis. he's not one of those fun eccentrics like you see in movies, he's an ordinary guy, youngish, talks straightforwardly about all this great stuff he knows. the packaging doesn't have to be pretty when it holds the gift you've always wanted. the information itself is more than enough entertainment.

i feel like i haven't gone to see a movie in forever.. i think it's been like 15 days. *shudder* i've gone longer, but i hate it. there's like 5 movies out somewhere that i want to see but with either no time, or if time no money, or if time and money now no car to see them. i shouldn't be seeing anything tho, i have three 10ish page research papers to write within the next two weeks with only saturdays and sundays to complete them unless i want to stay up to all hours of the night.. i am such a phenomenal shit when it comes to procrastinating, i sometimes can't believe it. it's so stupid and i keep doing it over and over and over. jesus.

i watched About Adam on tv tonight, i love love love that movie, mainly because stuart townsend is so sexy... i wrote about it here once. it's about a guy who starts dating a girl and then starts wooing and sleeping with her other two sisters and possibly brother.. it's such an interesting take on relationships and what they should be. in the end he's not malicious or sex-crazed at all, just eager to give people what they want. it's really lovely, i recommend particularly that will see it because it's very much like him only much nicer and smarter, but maybe he could learn a thing or two. at the very least he's going to change his twin from colin farell to stuart townsend by the end of it. fun.

thanks for saying those things, i sometimes miss talking to you too.. you know, when i'm not completely not thinking about you (brushes shoulders off) - i got caught at work tonight too late to call you back and now i'm just listening to damien and putting off showering. i'll try you tomorrow maybe. so this may sound completely crazy, but i was thinking of going to new york in early may anyway because i'm off of school by then and that's pretty weather time probably, and i wanted to be seperate from the rest and all cool, but so now damien is playing the beacon theatre there on monday may 3rd. yes. so i'm seriously considering doing that. i understand that's less than a month away and thus damn nearly impossible, but i'm wrapping my head around it. wouldn't that be nice? we should do that. but if not he'll probably be in our neck of the woods sometime later that month... i can't imagine having missed him in the past year, i must have.. i refuse to think about it. i had a dream about it. ok later i'll tell you. elton john was on american idol! ok

OH MY GOD

(just listening to I Remember again)

and i love those chants in Cold Water... man.. the "o" sound just wraps around you.. i've read a review saying something about how emotionally acute the lyrics are.. and that is really it.. how does he get it so perfectly? how does he say it so perfectly? i can't get away from the computer because i'll have to leave him... i've run out of blank fucking cds. i really wish i could record over cds... a lot of that crap i have in there seems unimportant now.

ok, here's what's great:

i had to wake up at 6:30 to start training at the tuscawilla vet which was stressful and tiring and then i had to walk half a mile to blockbuster and interview for a job there because it looks as if i have a few hours left of free time in the week (the car was picked up and then died again and they couldn't figure it out again and now we have it again but i can't take it to school tomorrow because it could die again so it just looms over us like that) and then i had to be a little late for lake howell vet job because eileen is always always late, i hate depending on other people, they are not at all enslaved by my priorities, and then i've done enough walking and standing but no i need to do a bunch more and get dog poo on me and ok so i get to play with dogs and i don't really mind any of it that much, but it's a LOT, remember 6:30, 11 hour work day, it's a LOT. so then i'm waiting for my other looney, late ride home at about 6:15 and i feel dirty and my feet ache and then i suddenly remember who i completely forgot about all day: damien rice. and i smile, and i know that i get to come home to all these new songs i downloaded overnight and i hum delicate to myself and everything's fine. so here i am listening to more. i've fiiiinally gotten the blower's daughter so i can listen to that again and forever.. i've gotten all of O, and also covers of still haven't found what i'm looking for and creep - and toffee and lonelily and baby sister and weatherman and woman like a man and be my husband and moody monday, tho i'm not entirely sure that's him - about half the "other songs" i downloaded were other people.. and kazaa has given this all to me, i have no idea what's up with bit torrent, i don't have time for that crap, kazaa can give me immediate gratification right now and that's all that matters.. now let's talk again about damien rice. the "other songs" are nice, but they don't have the wonderful sweeping beauty of the O stuff.. ooohhh my it's so good, i'm most partial to delicate, the blower's daughter, cannonball, older chests, AMIE - god i love AMIE, cheers darlin, cold water, i remember, prague.. ohh my oh my... i love this, the beginning of the relationship.. he's all over the U.S. this month, may dates yet to be announced, he may be coming soon... he's like jeff AND jonah.. he could complete my holy trinity.. wish his name started with a "j", but still. i feel like i'm getting another chance with jeff, like if he'd lived and i could've followed him, he's not better than jeff, but it's like a reincarnation of sorts. this is wonderful.

UGH - "CHEERS DARLIN'"

oh my god, that's it exactly

i love everything,

i love everything

"I'm Sorry"


i love rufus wainwright, you know, and i just read this great interview elton john did with him in my first sent-to-my-home copy of Interview magazine where rufus just seems so.. like a musical genius. and i've always loved the songs i've heard so today i go on a quest to download his albums, but of course Kazaa has sold its soul to the devil and i can get no more use out of it really, so then i search frank's archives for the name of that damn other "better" music downloading source, right right, bit torrent, so i'm downloading that for the second time now, we're about 35 minutes away, and i go to amazon.com to find all of rufus' song titles in case it works that way and sure enough, there's his name on the "if you like rufus, you might like.." list..

so two months later, i click your link. i can't be irritated that you were right even because my heart is swelling with damien rice songs. oh damien.. ok so you were right. you were so... so very right. i watched all the videos. i heard volcano first, which was good, then i heard the blower's daughter, which i've heard on a DAWSON'S CREEK EPISODE and loved at that moment of hearing it even as joey falls into the arms of the obnoxious eddie in episode #618, "Love Bites" where joey and pacey go to the little kids' prom and then break up because she's stupid.. (don't worry, i had to look it up to know all that, www.dawsonscreekmusic.com is a splendiforous tool). sigh sigh sigh sigh is all i'm doing over here.. so i love that song.. and then i think i started crying while i first listened to delicate. and he's irish! i saw his interview last and it kind of sealed the greatness of everything, he seems like a lovely boy, after my own heart.

so i love him. it's been an hour, and i am full on in love with him. i really didn't expect that, that's why i never clicked the link. ohhhh he's kind of perfect.. ok i'm going to go finish downloading bit torrent and then download his album and then come back and do this again. the last time this happened so much so quickly was jeff.