i'm babysitting drew's sick sister now. have you ever had a moment of shared something with a cashier at a grocery store? i had one of those today, thankfully. dr.warner wanted to take me out to lunch but i felt i really needed to get away because i'd probably freak out again and i do not have a nice calm PC way of crying.. i either tear up or i cry.. and my body does this seizure type thing that looks like hiccups and i can't control it, it takes forever for it to die down - like a little kid who's coming off of a tantrum. i looked for her for an hour and saw ms.howerton, just cuz i felt she was semiclose to dr.overbay and she could talk about it, but she so quickly dismissed it as very sad and then started advising me about career plans and college experiences, all of which seem too fucked to discuss right now, they're all very unsettled, i'm going to start counseling at school on april 16th and they'll be torn apart then. why is everyone obsessed with fixing my college/career problem? as if that is the most important thing? dr.warner said i was reacting so emotionally at something that wouldn't normally get me so worked up because of the stress piled up, which must be true, the straw that broke the camel's back? i've been waiting for that. it's not pleasant, and in front of fucking a class of high schoolers who i didn't face so i'm not sure if they noticed - i love that dr.warner has her own little office, but there's all the windows too - just paint over the goddamn lot of them. it felt really good after a while to see her classroom and see her interact with her students who all love her.. i said "don't you love your profession?" and she said she did and then that turned into "you should teach, melody". ugh

my stomach has felt achy and sore for days, the kind of feeling you get after doing a thousand crunches, which i obviously have not done, and i had fantasies last night of spontaneous internal bleeding and a sudden death like dr.overbay's and how WELCOMED that would be. just pray reincarnation is not real and hell is not real.. i don't feel like coming back and doing this shit all over again. i do not have an appreciation for life at this particular moment in time. what a relief death would be, i can't tell you. i have no desire to continue this cherade - school-work-career-home-mom-30-new career-death of someone-dating disasters-body clock stress-guilt-weddings-sex-economics-politics-growing old-retirement-dental care-body image-shit. i'm not in the mood. i don't want this. i want to be swept up in a completely bizarre lifestyle unlike anything i ever imagined. i do look forward to dogs though. and living by myself with a giant dog and decorating and reading books and finding close friends that i could sit in coffee houses with all day. i need to stop watching television.

my dad and i had a 45 minute conversation about whether or not halle berry overaccentuated the race card in her acceptance speech. i had no problem, dad had a problem for the people that have a problem. which is mildly racist. which he doesn't agree with. and i was so on the ball for the first twenty and then i died or something and the wind was ripped out of my sails and i could no longer think of words and it was if this demon had come in and gripped my neck and made me doubt myself and give up. which i ended up doing. now thinking i'm not sure if political career is right for me because all of these debates never end and i am so sick of intolerant people but that is just me being intolerant and i don't know how to stop that. and in politics you must pick a side, which means you must be against another side. but they are human too and believe just as strongly as you. it's like debating religion. is this why adults always say steer clear of religion and politics? i always liked to talk about it. but now i think i'm changed a little. i ended very quietly in our debate, because i was starting to cry a little as i always fucking do, and i mentioned a little to him about his limited love, and how my love is apparently limited too, but it doesn't bother him, and it bothers me. he didn't say anything and i didn't say anything. there's not really much to say i guess. he had mentioned that our difference of beliefs doesn't make him think less of me, but i knew i thought less of him. and i just want to sit down with ghandi and work all this out and have him tell me what needs to happen. i am intolerant person. i don't have an inner peace. i can not sit quietly and accept and be satisfied. this is another problem i don't want to live with.

i'm really exhausted. jordan's birthday is today and we have no presents for him and i'm never getting my nearly $2,000 back from dad probably and i'm going to volunteer to walk dogs at westminster and try not to think about money because when i have it i spend too much. so maybe tiny bits won't be to harmful. who cares about going to movies anymore? or renting? or eating out? or bowling or miniature golf or pool or what? i don't much anymore. my thought, when looking for calm and peace and tranquility, is always of god's hand made of water going over me from the top of my head down. and it doesn't rush off me, but it goes through me, and there is that cool sensation in my head and chest - the feeling of water is unlike anything. once i said multiple orgasms were the greatest feeling - now, and for a long time, i know that's not true.