well i just made a quiz to send to all of you, so that was fun.. jenn's was nice, professional, mine not so much. i made a measly 50 on her's. shameful. mine has some curve balls, watch out.

i have a big crush on owen wilson. to the point where i rented armaggedon to see him in it. what a terrible movie.

jimmy eat world's Clarity is a really great album. those of you, and you know who you are, who own bleed american or really like them and pretend to be a fan, go out and buy it, and static prevails is really good too. clarity was so perfect for me for that two year span of 10th and 11th grade. it's so nice to go back to these albums that make you sing that you still remember the words to (well sort of) after so much time spent away from them. my brother, much to my surprise, found our mindless self indulgence tape the other day !!!! i couldn't believe i remembered every cranny of those songs.. how crazy were they? i'm seriously wondering now if they're some secret messengers from the KKK.. listen to all those white people going on about nigger this and nigger that.. there's something about niggers hanging by their necks.. watch out. i'm curious. either way, it was hilarious running into them again.

so alan i am tres mad at you - you do not call, not for all the money in the world, when a good friend needs to reach you. you need to learn to call. you really do. even if it's just to say you can't see me, that there's no time in the world for little old melody.. that at least is respectful. i could've used someone this weekend. i really wanted to see you. the following is going to make me seem much worse off than i actually am, but i still would've liked to talk to you.

i could start this off with a grand title and everything:

drew carey's mother once told him, "any problem that can be solved with money is not a real problem".

i've been running that through my head all week, like a mantra, only i'm not sure i can believe it. my dad is in jail, since thursday. he needs $5,000 to get out or he's spending 60 days there. that's january 21st, the day of the coldplay concert. we really didn't think this would happen again. again: he spent 30 days in jail two summers ago for the same, failure to pay alimony. that was the worst time i think i've ever had. i was living with my mom, who was particularly crazy and cruel right about then, i had no job, so no money, and no car of my own, and all she did was try to make me as miserable as i could be, taking away everything that made me happy, making sure i knew i had no way out because if i ran away i could be taken in and sent to juvi for being a runaway. i was 17 so i had no rights whatsoever. we had no support system of friends then, there was nowhere i could go, and my only salvation, my father, was completely out of reach and unable to help me. i was this caged animal and i can't explain how terrified i was. this, thank the vast empty darkness, is a completely different situation, as was seen today. she showed up at our door, insisting we talk to her, that she was going to contact child and family services and see if it's legal for a 16 yr old to be staying alone with a 19 yr old. our friends the hadaways called the police, tho i don't really think they needed to, we didn't ask them to, but i guess it was good, because now i know for sure what my rights are. it's so nice finally being an adult. as long as dad is away i am temporary gaurdian of jordan and in charge of our home and who comes in. i have full legal authority. this is such a relief, i can't tell you. the police were very nice and on our side, even though three of them showed up and the neighbors, i'm sure, are in a gossip frenzy. it must look so scandalous from far off. i had to apologize to our upstairs neighbor, i think he understood, he's very kind. our grandmother has threatened to come down and "get in our faces" until we let our mom back into our lives.. in which case i'm giong to have to get a restraining order against them, which sounds like fun.

the second day, the day after, friday, i got into a panic. i feel so terrible for my dad. i hate that he has to go through all of this shit again, it's so ridiculous. i can't believe we put people in jail for things like this. i wish i could take his place. i didn't know what to do at first.. it's not like last time where i just sit idly by - i'm an adult, i'm in charge here, i should be going and getting and finding help.. i wasn't sure who to ask for money or if i should ask them for money. finally i got a hold of his sister, worth millions, and she weaseled out of paying like last time.. somehow i forgot about that from last time, but i won't forget this. i am so angry at these people. what happened to grotesque generosity? $5000 would be like $100 for them. if all we had in the world was $5000, we'd give it to them, in a second, if something like this happened. she uses the excuse of "it'll go straight to your mother and she's crazy". bullshit, what the fuck does that matter? your brother is in jail, he could be attacked or raped or worse, and you sit there on your money and offer me "anything you need". meanwhile i ask barbara, my employer, who struggles to get by waitressing for disney for the last 30 years and she says she's getting her mortgage on the house on tuesday, $10,000, and she'd be glad to give me the money, knowing that whatever house repairs that have been waiting for years are much less important than dad getting out of jail - this just makes your heart scream, doesn't it? it's like the richer you are, the less generous.. and vice versa. "there are no rich communists". so i immediately backed away from barbara's offer, this before knowing patti (dad's sister) wouldn't be offering - but now i'm wondering if we should take barbara's money, and i'll just work for free for a few months and give her my pell grant money when i get it for this and next semester, even though i can't believe sometimes how much we need another car. gandhi says "poverty is the worst form of violence". so i have all these other thoughts - setting up a donations table in front of a grocery store like a girlscout, standing in turn lanes with jars like the firemen, calling a radio talk show and inspiring community support.. i envision these romantic "it could happen to you" endings, but the thing with nicolas cage and bridget fonda was, they didn't ask for it. it just happened. you lose all the dignity when you ask for it. and i hear about friends of friends who sit on $500,000 and are thinking about helping, but no word yet.. and it's amazing to look around and see money literally all around you, just not right there with you, the only place you really need it to be. but i'm still trying to concentrate on drew's mom's saying. i'm just not sure if it's true. i'd really like dad to be out by thanksgiving. i talked to his parents tonight, i didn't think anyone would tell them, i couldn't tell at first if they knew, because they didn't sound so upset, just worried about how we were doing - but when i realized they knew, and they offered to help with rent, but not with the purge amount.. i really didn't expect that. maybe they don't have it, but they must have something. they must have the ability to convince patti, something. they didn't sound like they would do anything of the sort. there may be a thinking on his side of the family that "he's made his bed..." and it just disgusts me. he tries so hard. he drives a cab 70 hours a week and i work enough and we still barely sqeak by. what is left over that we could've given my mother? there's nothing left. money, money and christianity, i've decided, are the bain of my existence. i tried to schedule visitation yesterday and they said i could see him that night and then an hour later i called to confirm and it was a mistake, his visitation time was earlier that afternoon, and now i have to wait another 4 days. these fucking people. but maybe he'll be out by then somehow. i could take barbara's money and go down there tuesday, though i really don't want to. she works so hard. life is so fucked up. but hey, it could be a hell of a lot worse. we could be younger and have no rights, we could have no car, i could have no income.. we could lose our apartment that way, but i think we're safe from all those things. there are people this time that won't let that happen. if you pray, pray for my dad, and on thursday, be thankful for what you have.