wipe out - i've wiped out - i'm going under. shit

dad just told me tonight about mega-tsunamis, yea, i guess they hit every few hundred thousand years and we're due in for another here in a few hundred or thousand years. or maybe next wednesday. from the canary islands will fall whole sides of mountains, enormous land masses several kilometers in diameter, sending waves hundreds of meters high towards the east coast of the U.S. - these waves are many kilometers in length, 1,000 or maybe 1,500 meters tall, they race at about 500 miles an hour towards us, reaching us in around 8 hours, and there we will be devastated.. the waves will destroy maybe 12 miles inland, maybe more. and in 8 hours you simply can't get everyone to get the hell out of florida and on hard land up above us. we're all doomed. i'm drenched just thinking about it.

i've had an amazingly bad week despite the goodness, it completely slammed me over the head, i was caught all unprepared for the same old fucking shit. i really just want to hibernate for months, let no one see me, or go off and join another clan for a while and make them wonder what the hell happened to me. or maybe disappear for years and come back 100 pounds thinner and no one recognizes me and they all hit on me and then maybe i'll cut their eyes out. yeah. "where did that come from?" it's always there. it is Always There. i don't need mom to tell me anymore because my friends tell me every time they see me, when they don't see me. listen to me listen to me there is nothing that seperates us but bodies, i am inferior in no other way, why does that have to mean so much? how can there be the smartest funniest kindest most interesting fat girls and no one in the goddamned world sees them? shit. this all happened five days ago but it took about five hours to hit me and now it's taking a while to wear off. i've created a monster. not that i want any of these people, because i don't. one has a vagina, one is not terribly smart, and the other is - cruel. but as that song says "i want you to want me". yknow i'm blowing this whole thing way out of the water because this is completely not the same scenario and never was and my comparisons are all offbase but i was just smacked over the head with these feelings: he would never uproot and move anywhere for me. never in a million years. when i dug around this idea of you and her i was not digging for a replacement, who the fuck am i kidding, i've already been replaced several times over probably, but those girls never bothered me because in my head i was always smarter or more interesting in some way, yea i'm a complete bitch, but this is an entirely different thing - she may be my match, and she has that one other advantage as well, so this is a completely different ballgame. my ego can not in any way be stroked by this arrangement, i can only feel like less because of this, the wave is headed right for me. and would you believe, as smart as i am, it never occurred to me that i would react this way? i can't believe it either.

hey i know this is all so stupid and i know you're crinkling up your eyes in a grimace after every line and thinking "melo, melo, no, you have no idea", and maybe i don't but this is how it's all hitting me and i feel like complete shit. there was really only that one other time that i felt so used up and worthless and disgusting. and so i get angry at you, all of you, because i blame you for making me feel this way even tho it is merely my reacting to all of you in a way that maybe isn't necessary. there's a piece of me that feels very strongly that there is a majority of the world out there that is completely different, sees things completely different, wouldn't even notice the pink elephant because pink elephants are old news and beautiful just like all the other safari creatures! so i jump to: i need new people around me, i want to start fresh, i want new eyes that have a completely different view of things. i may get to go camping with them next month. i was there with them and i was still the pink elephant in the room but i didn't feel like i was, and it didn't seem like anyone else noticed it - NEW EYES DIFFERENT PEOPLE - and i love these people that have been here for years, i do, but i fear that it's my self-loathing side that draws me to them. oh you know what

this has gotten too complicated. basically something that wouldn't make most people blink has capsized me and i'd love to not bother telling anyone because it just reveals what a depressing psycho i am but then i wonder if i just didn't say a thing for about a month until it went away and i went back to the parties and everything was great, wouldn't it all show up again in a year or two? the very same thing? not that it won't. but now at least you know a little. the tsunami show says "it's not a question of if, it's a question of when". i kind of hate you, but, i can't seem to leave. i'm not back in that place, don't worry, i'll probably never be, but it still manages to hurt like hell.