so frank reminds me of poverty and what it's done to me and how it's been this spine of my life, always there, hardly noticeable, but sometimes blaringly obvious. you just get used to these things. i've never gotten into detail about it with anyone i don't think.. it's a strange embarrassing taboo.. i feel like if someone knew the extent they'd start a charity for me or some ridiculous thing and try to get me out of it and get this pitiful look on their face whenever they thought of me "oh, that poor, poor girl.. sigh" that's just weird. and sometimes i get overwhelmed with it.. when i think about it really and how different it is from most other people.. when i think of how it would be to be "normal" in that sense, whatever that is. to have parents with incomes over $20,000 a year, together, who have savings accounts with over $2,000 in them, who never borrow their children's money, who go out to dinner every once in a while. jesus i can't count how many times they've, together, had under $500 to their names.. maybe less, surely less. (i read that and am not shocked and i wonder if secretly lots of people get to that point and never talk about it.. maybe that's how hypnotized i am) and yet we've gotten by - and i have no idea how. merciful landlords/bill-collectors, generous friends, my new income. so right now i have about $750, which i'm fairly sure is more than both of my parents have, so i'm paying for gas for both of their cars and buying food and paying for cable and for the storage stuff to not be auctioned off and for of course everything for myself.. what world is this? i'm lulled to sleep with all of this to the point that it becomes perfectly normal and then every now and then i'm snapped awake and it's just jaw-dropping. what's going on? oh what's it matter.. there's no such thing as normal. if this way works for us, then it works for us. who cares? so what if the end of every month is nerve-wracking, mainly only for mother anyway.. i think i've gotten so used to it, so used to that last-minute fear of everything shutting off and then to have it all saved suddenly, that i no longer fear it. it's all perfectly normal. and so that's my normal. fine then. i hope i'm not growing a tumor or anything. ha

lovemelo