"it's just love"
-Get Real, a lovely little movie i just watched about a boy coming to terms with being gay.

I’ve already had this conversation with marianna this evening, and I don’t know if she has access to this blog, so if she does it’ll be tedious for her. Oh well
i've been a little obsessed with seeing a few movies that have come out over these past years. not just anxious, but convinced that they’re going to be the end-all-be-all. first I think was american beauty, which knocked me over the first time axel and I saw it in the theatre. i somehow hate to admit it, because it’s a bit mainstream and recent and attached to lots of I suppose teenage things, but it seems to be in my top ten favorite movies of all time. maybe even top five when I’m honest with myself. i don’t tell people that. then there was moulin rouge. hey, come to think of it, i saw that with axel too. though not the first time for me ;) moulin rouge was disappointing, not a fabulous movie, completely not what i expected it to be, but exciting when it was meant to be exciting and great music, and avante-garde.. sort of.. and just different. so that's nice. but not fantastic or anything.
well now there's L.I.E.
i'm very intrigued with L.I.E. the previews give me chills (that's the sign), something like "you thought all taboos were revealed in the 20th century.. welcome to the 21st century" - includes "great humor, scenes of shocking violence, unique moral commentary regarding pedophilia, wonderful performances, and moments of truly inspired film-making".. hmm, i say. of course previews are an art form all to themselves..and as we've seen with moulin rouge, sometimes portray a far better film.. and the writer and director are newcomers.. and those that have seen it also recommend KIDS and Happiness - i've never seen KIDS, but i've seen Happiness. um.. it was a bit too much for me. there was this overlying sexual dirtiness, whether it be next door neighbors or a father's lust for little boys. not funny enough, yet still tried to create humor out of.. pedophilia? i'm not sure that works. in fact, it didn't. it was disturbing, at best. of course L.I.E appears to be different in that the boy is consenting.. which might make it interesting. i certainly had no problem with Lolita, i own it now. something about consenting.. not necessarily adults. a strange topic i think might get me into trouble one day. more i'm not honest with even myself about. anyways, go see L.I.E on the 19th, if only for the experience.

aaron from dear ephesus is a changed man. this once pinacle of good-christian-manhood i had him built up to be for four years is now.. perhaps drunk? a little crazy. a little disheveled. maybe broken, i'm not sure. now.. a mix of country and blues and rock 'n roll that i don't seem to respond to at all. but what's more, i don't respond to him anymore. i can't look at him or think about him the same. the man shook a bottle of beer on stage, for chrissake. it's a little sad, but maybe it's just another step in my breaking down this religion for what it really is. not this religion, maybe, but the people behind it. i'm so tired of religion, though. "once again, we are hungry for religion. that's a strange mistake to make, you should turn the other cheek." maybe it's not everything. maybe it's just another part of life that doesn't need to be obsessed over. maybe we don't need to concern ourselves. maybe we're better off without it. a clue: religion is not God.

another night at sapphire without seeing bryce. i'm taking this as a sign. fucking give up. you lost your chance. maybe this will remind you someday. walking out of citywalk last night to look up to the walkway overhead where i had an epiphany once with kristin and axel and bonnie and gimpy and michelle having a good time around me and me there thinking about him and whatthehellamidoing and finally i said we needed to go over there. i was going to talk to him then. and we went. and i saw him. and things stopped and got quiet and i still didn't do anything. i hate to think of failure as something that looms over our heads the rest of our lives.. or at least 'til we overcome it one day. so i guess...

remind me never to go out with a group of people where i am the sole of my gender. oh i'm sure it'll happen again. i'm attracted to it at first and it always ends the same. it wears me out. maybe i'm just to stop seeing male friends i could possibly be attracted to alltogether. it's too complicated. i want to get away from these people. i want girl friends and perfectly perfectly platonic male friends - where is that!? i'm so fucking tired of sexual-ANYTHING with people i do not want to be with. i don't even want to think about them. i don't want to remember anything that might trigger any fucking feeling i don't want to think about it all damn day long i don't want to run into it in my journal and in my emails and in my "keepsakes bag" i don't want it anymore. i've been a slave to it for years and years and years and it represents the past and i want to dropkick the past and meet something new and start over and either forget (right) or make some peace with it so i don't get all goddamned frustrated like this when i think about it. oh lord i'm tired. why can't i just not feel it when people say certain things that come so naturally to them and shouldn't make me feel a damn thing?



ok. there's my teen angst section. put that in your nu-metal pipe and smoke it.

lovemelo