WELL cowboy dan's a major player in the cowboy scene... he goes to the reservation, drinks, and gets mean. he goes to the desert, fires his rifle at the sky and says "GOD, if i have to die, you will have to die"... [modest mouse]

i really enjoy this alicia keys song "fallin".. she's bout it.

that modest mouse song always got me at that "god.." line.. what a strange thought. God/god/G-d dying. well i figure God can't "die" by any means other than himself, if that.. so then i think of what a sad state everything must be in for God to kill him/her/itself (i hate our language where we must give God a gender or even a name)... then i think of Bob. Bob is my dad's friend who's very Christian, but he's educated, he's an intellectual, he majored in philosophy. i swear i could debate theology with him all day. he had said something to illustrate another concept and it was this: "if God can do anything, can he create a rock he can not lift?" and that always stuck with me and i didn't remember what it was supposed to mean so i asked him the last time i saw him and i don't hardly remember now, but it was something about how he CAN do anything, but WON'T do that which compromises who he is or what he stands for. ok. well of course that's the biblical interpretation of God. which i don't mind so much because it shows him as more human than we'd take him to be.. of course i'm not sure if that's good or not.

i've created a different definition for him since leaving Christianity. and it seems to be just the being i strive to be. and we all have different ideals, so therefore we all have different images of God - so as much as large groups of people pretend to go directly from a book and all agree on one concept, i'm thinking we all make him whatever we'd like him most to be. and i don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that. i just wish we'd admit it, is all.

i've thrown out the good vs evil mindset. but that's not exactly what made me leave Christianity.. it started with a (very strong) disagreement with the "policy on homosexuality" as i now call it.. then a general dislike and finally a disbelief in the concept of heaven and hell, which lead to the dropping of the good vs evil thang. i don't feel the need to differentiate, because hell, it's all life, it's all existence, and, in the words of jude in Immortality - no one really wants to destroy all the evil in the world, because it would mean destroying a part of every human heart. let's not pretend we can wipe it out or that it's all centered in a few areas or embodied by one being. "satan" is nothing but a scapegoat, in my humble opinion. the guy that does things we don't like is being influenced by satan. our collective struggle is against satan. i guess we need a face to fight against. and an excuse to kill.

i hope as many people in the world who are against capital punishment are against the killing of osama bin laden and other terrorists responsible for these heinous acts. because it's the exact same thing. i'm sorry, but ghandi was right. there is no excuse for violence. bin laden and others attacked this country because they did not believe in our system of values, politics, and religion, but not only that - we attack their interests, support their enemies. our efforts in the middle east kill their people and/or harm their cause. and now we want to kill them for doing the same thing back to us. and we call ourselves different.

and maybe we are. in fact, yes, we are. but killing is killing is killing, my friends. and we never have to. i said above that there's no excuse for violence. i changed my mind. if someone is attacking your country, your friends, your children, you attack to the point where they are out of harm's way. but you never. have. to. kill. bin laden made that mistake first, we don't have to make it again.

and george w stands up there and in the speech writers' most powerful moment, demands that the taliban give up all the terrorists. and all i can think is what terror could follow that if it happens. what a horrendous act and horrible example for the rest of the world it would be if we, say, lined them all up and shot them. and yet there is a vast amount of people who want that. am i the only one who's appalled? i can't stress this enough: I LIKE PEOPLE. I VALUE LIFE. that's why i'm so very against any kind of discrimination, abortion, capital punishment, war.. and whatever else kills or harms human beings. and other people also claim to have this belief, yet are proponents of one or more of the above listed.. and i just don't understand. some things are black and white, it's not such a scary concept.

alright that's all.

i'm going roller skating tomorrow night with niko, becca, and possibly brittany and jill. i expect plenty of laughter (at me falling on my ass because i never learned how to skate). and these are the things that matter, melody, not tenacious d. (i missed them) it's not what's missed, it's the efforts that are taken to finally get nowhere. ugh.. see? these earth-shattering events happen and we all are still completely wrapped up in our own little lives.. whattodo..

man i completely rambled off and almost forgot what made me want to write one of these things in the first place:

last night i had the most sexual dream i've ever had with fucking alan. what the hell man. why does this continue to happen? this is bizarro-world. i was visiting his dorm for the first time because either his uncle or grandfather had just died.. and i walk up the stairs to see the freaking casket lying there outside the door.. somehow it becomes a bed looking thing.. it's way oversized, like 3/4 of a full-sized bed. and suddenly it's in his.. bedroom? but it feels more like his house.. because it's his waterbed on top of this casket and there's a tv we're watching and i'm in pajamas for some reason and he's lying there watching tv and i just kind of plop down next to him and that some how makes us end up very smooshed together and our hands kind of find their way to each other and there's this kind of touching thing that all happens very casually. and it's not like we'd done anything before, even in the dream, suddenly what's been put off for years is happening and i'm kind of falling asleep and he's getting annoyed with me and storms out of the room and i get up and yell something like "oh just accept the situation.. you're finally horny and i'm tired so i'm not really caring" lol. i'm telling you. bizarro-world. alan i have no idea why this keeps happening. you probably think i'm in love with you or something. fortunately or unfortunately, that is not the case. well i guess when i'm not being consciously obsessive i'm being unconsciously obsessive, hm? and so fucking random.. where does this come from? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?

jesus christ carrot top is so ugly and obnoxious and he needs to get off those goddamn at&t commercials.. oh my god

whenever there is a spare moment of no thought in my head i begin singing "yellow submarine". one of my fondest memories was when bonnie, liz, and i think gimpy or rachel or natalie and i went to oveido marketplace and liz started singing it and i caught on rather quickly (i'd never heard it) and began singing this echo thing with her and she laughed so much. good times, noodle salad. unfortunately, she's cursed me for life. :)

liz, one more in a long list of friends i treasure but never call. and i wonder - why? she lives near me in the apartments next to winn-dixie on 434 and i think instead of calling i'd rather show up and surprise her.. all i have to do is look for her car which she named gabriel and which i've had more than a few wonderful trips in, even if it was just to and from school. remember when riding in cars driven by teenagers was the best feeling in the world? i miss that.

in the town where i was born, there lived a man who sailed the sea, and he told us of his home, in the land of submarines..

we all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine! ahh!

lovemelo