i'm at school. the library. what a terribly long day at ucf, i can't believe i've been here since 11am and i'll probably be here until 9ish. wow. is that legal?

well not a lot of productive activity has gone on. the first three hours were just me sitting around reading and waiting to meet professors at their offices to get exam scores. this was the test of "am i to continue hardly going to school?" and i'm afraid i failed. i got an 88 on the sociology exam and an 82 on the human species one. hm. not quite good enough. if i'm taking fucking easy courses i should be acing these tests. and that's just what i did on the finite math one. 100. woo. given the difficulty level i should've gotten a 213. whatever. this is all kind of sad. so i'm going to continue to not go to math, it's the earliest anyway, but i figure i'll start going to soc and h.s. regularly.. why not.. only 3 hours total time here. 1-4pm. no early waking. fine. classes, here i come.

well while i was waiting i was mainly reading this local i guess politically-minded newsletter/paper thing called Impact. i enjoy Impact. they have a lot of interesting articles written by, mostly, interesting people. they have a good sense of the world. etc etc etc. i think i've just worn myself out with them though. i mean they fall under.. i guess.. radical left? not exactly left. not radical in any kind of nonsensical way. just kind of.. counterculture thinking. they're big green party advocates. ok that's all well and good but lately it just seems like they're stating the obvious. yes the wealth distribution is ridiculous, animal testing/eating is cruel, the world trade organization needs to die, capital punishment is absurd, we need more equal rights, blah blah blah blah blah. ok. i'm tired of it. there are things we can fix and there are things that are never going to go away and it's almost useless to worry about them even though it IS a form of denial but jesus look at the world, we're not all that bad.

well that's my opinion today anyway.

most other days i get all riled up like the rest of them. an interesting term i learned in art of cinema is doppleganger. double personality. i'm thinking most humans have multiple personalities. subtle, but far-reaching. they're there. they're our real struggle. who do we want to be? fuck if i know. political activist? artist? romantic optimist? lazy teenager? monotonous student? rebel? what? i have no idea.

dear moby is the same way Impact is. same issues. same good intentions. same inevitable failure. i've taken to reading his updates, or journals really, on his site moby-online.com. i just read a bunch of his "essays" he puts in his cd booklets. good idea before i read them. it's the same obvious world problems. where are truly intelligent people in the world? who are they? what do they do? how do they live? there are truly good people everywhere. i know a few. that's great. and goodness i'm quite certain is far more important than intelligence. but when there's a severe lack of one thing you tend to crave it more. and there's my rationalization.

i keep typing words that end in "ion" wrong and putting "ino". it's like the words are becoming italian. so i think of drew and laugh.

the sopranos, my friends. the sopranos is some good programming. i'm currently renting the entire first season from movie gallery/blockbuster. i can not explain the joy of being able to continuously watch episodes you have never seen of a show you are butt-crazy in love with. first i did it with sex in the city. man that's some good stuff. and i keep hearing entertainment is not what life is all about. and yet that's all i crave really. well i'll be the first to tell you my priorities are all out of wack, but how can something that feels so good be wrong? :)

can you imagine how good heroin must be for people to destroy their lives for it?

alright this is why i'm a dork:

i watched a very attractive boy/man walk towards me and enjoyed that and was stunned just a moment ago when he sat down at the computer next to me. kind of caught me offgaurd. and now instead of talking to him, because, a. i don't know what to say b. he's busy online c. i'm busy online - i type it here in hopes he's one of those nosey types who reads what people are typing next to him.

ha

also i think i discovered a girl in my human species class who i used to be very good friends with in 5th grade before she moved to lakeland.. i visited her twice down there, once to go to a 311 concert where we had a lovely time. now i find her here. and for the first few days i thought i'd just wait and make sure it was her but the more i think about it, how could it not be her? i mean if it wasn't, it'd have to be her twin. alicia doesn't have a fucking twin, that's soap opera stuff. and at this point i've waited so long and i believe she's seen me and either doesn't recognize me (she looks as if she's taken several varieties of drugs since last we spoke, i could be wrong) or is in the same boat as i am and we're both lost in this mode of um.. paralysis. right. i know what to do here, i just can't seem to do it. i believe i've spoken before on this problem.

damn i want to talk to this boy. i've already done one of those "act like you're looking behind you and kind of peer at him throught he corner of your eye" things.

oh the games we play.

granted, if i could have any one super power it would be to fly, but i can certainly see the benefits of being invisible too.

jesus he just looked over here to point out something for a guy and i got a better look at him and he's gorgeous. good god. but he's a m a n not a boy. he's probably a senior or something. hmmm ok sorry

because if i were invisible i could watch people all i wanted without worrying about them seeing me. because that's something i don't realize is my favorite passtime but actually is. yknow. they're fascinating. it's like watching animal planet. i could do that all day. the same damn lions in the same damn safari. but they're fascinating. we need more programs about bears, i think.

shit, what can i say here... i can't ask for the time, it's right down on the fucking screen. i could ask for a pen... hang on.. oh boy..

ok i rustled around in my bag and asked him and he said "sorry, no" with a cute smile and now my hands feel kind of trembly. ha.. what is this power attractive people have over us? wow

not very attractive hands, though.. hmm.. hands are very important. thus is chino. plus other stuff of course..

could i give up meat? i think i might could, but i'm not sure.. i've read so many arguments for no-meat diets lately it's seeped into my brain. i've never been proud of my meat eating. i've never really held it as a belief. i've just always been lazy. well laziness is not what makes the world go round. i've been hearing how good fake meat products are.. i could try it as an experiment.. but then if i decided months down the line that i wanted some actual meat again i'd have a bad reaction since my body would've built up a resistance.. hmm. i guess that doesn't matter. bonnie ate shrimp for the first time in years the day she chopped my hair off.. i haven't talked to her since so i don't know what it did to her. i need to hunt her down.

not like what our president claims to do to the arabic "monsters".

conan came back last night with a new show for the first time since tuesday.. it's so strange to see a man who is never serious about anything give a quite long, obviously emotional, utterly humorless monologue. and you could tell there was his heart. you could tell it wasn't staged. the sighs were real. the pain was real. and it was kind of chilling. he remains my favorite. if i were closer to his age i'd date him. yes i would.

the funny thing about moby is that he tries incredibly hard to be unpretentious and kind and compassionate and tolerant but he's kind of broken his face this week a little. tuesday, after all, was his birthday. i can't imagine. but he's very angry. he's very hurt someone would want to do this. understandable. well i have this strange condition. i'm not angry. i never got angry. i got sad. i forgave and worried. and that's all i did. and i worried more for the arabic-resembling members of our communities than the people trapped in the world trade center. but that's just me.

lovemelo