my last grossly large entry hasn't shown up yet, um

this is why i probably won't tell too many people about this:

hmm.. i'm woken up at 7:30am after going to bed at 3 like a silly person by mother who insists i take her and our obese cat shadow to the vet and making sure to bitch me out plenty along the way. how many times has she tried to kick me out now? three? four? you'd think she'd give up. i don't even know if it's in her legal rights to do it.. i kind of worry, but i have no faith in the system here. after one mood swing she busts down my door and tries to hit me but when my brother and i restrain her the police take her side since we are both under 18 at that time.. hm. now in struggling to get the cds out of the car and to safety she tries to.. kick me? but there is no force and i'm not moving and she's weak and too close and so she actually just kicks off of me and splatters onto the pavement.

there's the moment where she's down and i'm standing staring outside my apartment in this darkness but frighteningly close to the street light and it feels otherworldly. some people would be concerned for their mother. i was concerned that neighbors might be peering down at us from all angles. i can't imagine how it looked.

do not jump to conclusions.

i stand for some time and then just turn and walk back inside. jordan's down with her. and then the inevitable story she concocts about how i pushed her down in trying to get my precious cds. jesus all i wanted was the cds and then i'd get the hell out of the situation. they were the only thing on my mind. that might seem cold but you haven't lived this for ten years.

dad somehow thought this situation worse than most and opted to retreat jordan and i to a friend of the family's for the night. i packed for four days. the hadaways are such good people. i never want to involve others in this mess because i'm embarrassed and for a while on their couch i felt like i had a spotlight on me when all i ever want to do when this shit happens is hide. very uncomfortable. and then rem comes on mtv2 and i find a marathon of their videos, including everybody hurts which makes me cry every time. the art of crying without those around you knowing it is a tricky one.

so now. this morning after the vet visit i'm exhausted and get in the shower and expect to go to school (another day missed) but soon get a call from her cell phone. she'd left for a doctor's appointment. what a surprise. it's the police. she's been pulled over again for reckless driving. so many drugs, so little sleep, so much chemical imbalance should not be driving. ever. she's been pulled over like this five times now in the past two years - when will the police get it and take away her license? i don't understand these things. sometimes people are given too too much leeway.

i keep imagining these amazing collisions. there is too much at stake here. jesus

what depressing subject matter. i'm tired. i need more movies. they're all i want. they're incredibly effective distraction devices.

holding on,

lovemelo